Janet Napolitano Needs to GO

February 19, 2010

By Yul

Now Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has blessed the TSA to read palms. Under the fancy name of “Explosive Trace Detection,” or ETD, they’re swabbing random passengers’ hands to see who forgot to wash after playing with bombs.

How many shoe bombs have they found since they made everybody remove their shoes? NONE.

Combustible jackets? NONE.

Exploding laptop computers? NONE.

Incendiary lip gloss? NONE.

In January, Karen, traveling with her parents, was subjected to the naked body scan “at random” in the Richmond airport. Random my phantom tail! The woman wears a DD bra. You know they singled her out hoping she’s an A cup trying to smuggle cannonballs onto the plane.

They found no explosives, but the guy watching the scanner got his big jugs fix.

Yet it’s OK for passengers to stuff their checked luggage with guns, sabers, and meat cleavers. The TSA doesn’t give a damn what murder and mayhem people intend to commit at their destination.

Karen’s father has an implanted heart device that TSA agents could easily feel under his skin. Yet they subjected this 70+-year-old man to the naked scan, wanding, frisking, and even feeling the bottom of his stockinged feet.

What’s the thinking there? He’s got a bum ticker so he’ll probably want to skip his vacation and blow up the plane?

Instead of honestly evaluating and discontinuing their pointless procedures, Napolitano just keeps piling on more layers of bullshit. What next, Janet? Armpit sniffing gerbils?

Having a “Heckuva job, Janet!” moment, Obama earmarked $39 million to buy more ETD devices, on top of $15 million already spent.

Obama, do you remember where you buried your common sense? It’s probably near the finger you refuse to point and the blame you never assign. Rather than buying her more new toys, you need to fire Janet Napolitano NOW and appoint someone who’s serious about finding real threats.


“Profiling” is Not a 4-Letter Word

December 29, 2009

By Yul

Inept “Tighty-Whitey Bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is lucky he didn’t try to blow up a plane full of cats. Rather than being escorted to First Class, he’d have remained in Coach, a hunk of bleeding meat with a smoldering crotch and his eyeballs rolling down the aisle.

When faced with such a threat, a cat’s instinctive reaction is, “Shred now, ask questions — never.”

But thanks to the kindness of human strangers who did American taxpayers no favor by not snapping this punk’s neck, Umar is sitting in a nice cell, getting 3 squares and his burned nether regions tended to, while the wheels of justice spin aimlessly.

Meanwhile, in airports worldwide, innocent people are being stripped of their possessions and dignity to ensure they’re not the next Umar.

Airlines almost banned carry-on bags — like they need more checked bags to damage or lose. Some flights were making everybody sit still and idle in their seats for the last hour, like zombies.

They’re one small step away from declaring airports nude zones, banning luggage altogether and making everybody fly naked. Or, for maximum security, flying the planes EMPTY.

I’ve been watching sheeple on TV who are willing to tolerate any delay (“To avoid missing your flight, arrive the night before and sleep on the floor at the security checkpoint.”) or any indignity (“Spread ‘em, Grandma!”) to make flying safer.

To that I say, “Hairballs!” Enough’s enough. You’re missing the point.

Airlines and TSA, review the rogues’ gallery of past terrorists. Is there one woman, child, infant, or guy named Joe Smith among them?

Instead of worrying about offending nut jobs by singling them out, the only sensible way to deal with them is to profile like mad, and don’t stop with strip searches. Probe EVERY orifice.

Maybe if the next terrorist wannabe knows for certain that a Doberman will fixate on his naked crotch while a burly security agent named Bubba jams a broomstick up his ass, he’ll just stay home.


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