Donald Trump’s To-Do List

November 11, 2016

By Max

Right out of the gate, Donald Trump has set a “Do as I Say, Not as I Do” tone for his administration by insisting that his job applicants disclose all their financial dirt while he continues refusing to reveal his own. But there’s way more on his plate if he hopes to make good on all he’s promised. So, instead of composing nasty tweets when he can’t sleep, he’d do better to work on his to-do list…

  • Day 1: Start construction on the “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful wall”
  • Repeal Obamacare — replace w/ “something terrific”
  • Launch investigation to convict & jail Hillary Clinton
  • Send roses to FBI Director James Comey — owe him one
  • Invite Vladmir Putin to tea
  • Tear up trade agreements, incl. NAFTA
  • Withdraw from TPP
  • Hire deportation force to kick out 11 million immigrants — humanely
  • Inspect all mosques — MUST be hiding something
  • Ban Muslims from entering country — terrorists
  • Suspend Syrian refugee program — mooches
  • Order more Stop & Frisk — profiling prevents crime
  • Get torture gear out of storage — need child sizes for terrorists’ families
  • Eliminate crime — shows my concern for everybody
  • Sue New York Times
  • Sue all women I never groped
  • Clone Antonin Scalia at least 2X — 3X just in case
  • Fire & replace most of the generals
  • Bomb ISIS, seize the oil
  • Bring back all manufacturing jobs
  • Place hiring freeze on all federal employees — except ones I’m hiring
  • Revive coal industry — black gold!!!
  • Cancel Paris climate agreement — who needs polar bears
  • Cancel every executive order Obama ever signed — disaster!
  • Cut off payments to UN global warming programs — winter’s coming
  • Pass biggest tax cut since Reagan — wealthy deserve YUGE break
  • Pass amendment for congressional term limits — get rid of bums who didn’t endorse me

But all work and no play will soon exhaust Trump’s tiny attention span, so let’s add in some spice…

  • Defund Planned Parenthood
  • Repeal same-sex marriage
  • Grab a bunch of pussies

Women should line up for that last one, since Trump’s now so much more than a tacky reality-show star.

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