Ken Cuccinelli Builds a New Cuckoo Nest

March 3, 2014

By Cole

Ken Cuccinelli was most recently Virginia’s attorney general, a misogynistic, backward-leaning Republican who was replaced last year by Democrat Mark Herring. Cuccinelli also ran for governor last year and lost to Terry McAuliffe, another Democrat.

You could say that Cuccinelli has done his fair share to turn this red state blue.

But in his newest job, he’s trying to correct that perception. With 3 fellow lawyers, he has opened a firm called Virginia Self Defense Law, whose tag line is…

Defending those who defend themselves.

By that, they mean defending people who aspire to be like George Zimmerman (who provoked a confrontation with and killed an unarmed black teen named Trayvon Martin in Florida) or Michael Dunn, another Floridian who recently dodged a first-degree murder rap after he provoked a confrontation with and killed an unarmed black teen named Jordan Davis by firing 10 bullets at the van Davis was riding in as it sped AWAY from Dunn.

These guys would be Cuccinelli’s dream clients.

For as little as $8.33 a month — “less than half the cost of a hunting license” — wack jobs with violent tendencies who think they might someday shoot inappropriately can have this firm on retainer to defend them at no extra charge when they follow through.

On one hand, you’ve got to admire Cuccinelli’s sheer brilliance at tapping in to the irrational paranoia of his conservative ilk, creating a stream of cushy, mostly-passive income for himself and his cronies while providing nothing in return to most of them (let’s hope).

He’s become the perfect parasite, sucking cash out of wannabe killers by giving them a sense of security while they pursue their dream of ridding the world of everybody who, in their eyes, deserves to be dead.

On the other hand, what kind of bottom-feeding scumbag builds a business on coming to the aid of limp-dicked bigots who use guns to make bad situations worse? When the facts come out, these guys usually deserve to spend the rest of their lives under the jail (as we say in the South).

To address this concern, Cuccinelli offers this caveat: He will only represent a client if the defense can be self-defense or a violation of the client’s second amendment right to bear arms. If any weapons charge is related to a crime like robbery or drug dealing, all bets are off.

Virginia is already famous as the premier supplier of deadly weapons on the East Coast. Now Virginia offers the services of Cuckoo Cuccinelli & Co. to get shooters off the hook for murder — for less than $10 a month.

Can it get any sicker than that?


Florida has Worn Out its Welcome

July 14, 2013

By Cole

Enough’s enough. First, they were too stupid to read a ballot and we ended up with Bush, Cheney, and two pointless wars.

Then they decreed it A-OK to whack inconvenient kids who cramp mom’s social life. They wasted big taxpayer bucks pretending to care about missing Kaylee Anthony while mom Casey lied and lied. And after all that, the jury said, “Screw the kid. Sorry to have bothered you, Casey. Live long and prosper!”

And NOW they’ve given overzealous Barney Fife types like George Zimmerman carte blanche to chase down and kill anybody they ironically deem “off” and call it self-defense.

It’s time to let Florida become the lawless frontier it aspires to be. Let them elect their own village idiot (Zimmerman, perhaps?) to preside over them killing each other into extinction.

The “not guilty” verdict delivered in the George Zimmerman trial was jaw-dropping, but unsurprising. It’s precisely the kind of stupid we’ve come to expect from Florida’s residents.

How on earth, when given this scenario…

  • Man trolls neighborhood with a loaded gun, looking for trouble.
  • Man spots black kid on foot and assumes he’s up to no good,
  • Man recorded by police lumping the boy in with other “f**king punks” who have caused trouble, although he doesn’t know the boy from Adam.
  • Man disobeys police dispatcher’s request not to follow the boy.
  • Man gets out of his truck anyway and somehow comes face-to-face with the boy, who turns out to be taller and stronger.
  • Man shoots boy to death.

…did they decide Zimmerman did absofuckinglutely NOTHING WRONG??!!

And now Zimmerman can go back on the streets — with the very gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. They’re giving it back to him.

Every armed racist must be strutting a little bit taller. Getting away with cold-blooded, unprovoked murder just got a lot easier.

This country has its problems, but letting Florida lower the collective IQ and become the poster state for mayhem shouldn’t be among them.

I say, cut Florida loose. Let it become North America’s sovereign mecca for murderers, child molesters, pornographers — you name it. Let them flourish under the vast protections afforded by Florida’s joke of a judicial system.

Let every George Zimmerman wannabe flock there and prowl Florida’s streets in search of blood to shed. Murder can henceforth be called “keeping the peace.”

And heaven help any innocent souls who don’t have the sense to flee. Sooner or later you’ll do something Barney finds heinous, like buy Skittles, and end up dead like Trayvon — and rotsa ruck finding anybody to give a damn.

Happy hunting, George!


Is Paula Deen a Racist?

June 24, 2013

By Karen

Paula Deen’s upbringing finally caught up with her. In a deposition for a $1.2 million lawsuit filed against her and her brother Bubba for creating a hostile work environment at their restaurant, Paula answered yes, “of course,” she had used the N-word in the past, as if to say, “Well, hasn’t everybody?”

Paula’s career is built on being a proud product of the South, parts of which are still butt-hurt over the Civil War. Being compelled to stop owning what they lovingly called “N-words” still rankles. And with good reason.

TODAY’s Richmond Times-Dispatch published 3 articles with “Civil War” in the headline. In fact, one of them is a DAILY feature that re-reports the Confederacy’s glory days.

But all bigots aren’t Southerners. My Italian grandmother, who spent her life in Massachusetts (and later years in Florida), always called blacks the N-word. She also hated the French and Jews, although I seriously doubt she ever knew any of them in any meaningful way.

She must have picked up all that racist bullshit from her parents. Just like Paula Deen probably did.

Back in 1972 when I moved to Virginia, I worked at J.C. Penney’s. Forty years later, I still vividly recall a white-haired Paula Deen type who, upon seeing a cute young white girl come up the escalator with a black boy, turned and whispered to me, “I’d like to push her right down those stairs!”

Over the years, black men have asked me for dates a few times, but I always turned them down. It’s just safer. I don’t want anybody feeling tempted to push me down an escalator.

So now Food Network isn’t renewing Deen’s contract, and her advertisers are having second thoughts.

Where was all this outrage after we found out Paula was flat-out trying to kill people with recipes SHE, as a closet diabetic, knew could be lethal?

All these entities turning on Paula now should be ashamed of their belated shock. Anyone can take one look at Deen and her whole redneck family and see you probably don’t have to scratch deep to find some festering Southern ugliness.

But I don’t think Deen would ever choose to be a racist. She’s been conditioned by her culture.

Paula reminds us all that, in spite electing a black president TWICE, racism still thrives. Republicans out to sink Obama no matter what the consequences for the country, and Deen’s loyal fans who are screaming, “What’s the big deal? Bring Paula back!” are just further proof of it.

This country can’t be cleansed for at least a few more generations, and only then if our leaders and people who should know better stop spewing mindless poison.

A few weeks ago, a Southern friend told me how a drunk woman in a bar hit on my friend’s husband, assaulted my friend, and then got herself arrested.

My friend called the woman the N-word.

Later in the conversation, my friend was incredulous when I mentioned I’d worked on Obama’s campaign. Yet she couldn’t give me any good reason she preferred Romney (other than, I suspect, his color).

This was a side of her I’d never really seen before — in 30+ years. But it’s there.

We all have it, to some degree, I’m sad to say. I bet there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t at some point avoided someone “other-looking” because that stranger made them uncomfortable.

Right now, George Zimmerman is on trial in Florida for killing a black teenager named Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman’s defense team has been dredging up dirt from Trayvon’s life to make the case that Trayvon needed killing for something. That way, Zimmerman’s a hero, not a gun-toting weirdo trolling for trouble.

This is how racism thrives.

BONUS: Watch Paula’s attempts to muster a sincere apology to her fans.


Breivik, Zimmerman: Birds of a Feather

April 18, 2012

By Cole

It’s an unfortunate bit of timing for Florida gunman George Zimmerman that Norway’s most infamous mass-murderer, Anders Breivik, is on trial now. Breivik is claiming he killed 77 people in “self-defense.”

Scandinavians on the whole tend to be more open to abstract notions like mental illness — and other concepts that involve tolerance for human frailty — like healthcare for everyone, helping the poor, accepting homosexuals, and not letting every nut own a gun.

So after they’ve given Breivik the opportunity to deliver his unapologetic, long-winded rant about his reasons, which he hopes will prove that he’s not crazy, the Norwegian court may rule that anyone who arms himself to pursue strangers going about their business who have never harmed him or anyone he knows, and mows them down on the mere chance that they someday might harm him, is indeed crazy.

Breivik apparently thinks he was protecting Norway from a Muslim invasion, justifying his killing on such a grand scale.

Zimmerman thinks he was protecting only his gated community, so he killed just one teenager — Trayvon Martin.

But the rationale behind both men’s behavior was EXACTLY the same.

Given the U.S.’s lack of gun control, under the right circumstances and delusions of peril, could any Zimmerman type go “Breivik”?

I say yes.

If Zimmerman isn’t found guilty of 2nd-degree murder, at the very least he should be deemed insane for thinking he needed a gun at the grocery store — his original destination.

To all you shooting enthusiasts out there (Cheney and NRA members, I’m looking at you), you might want to get a better grip on the difference between “defense” and “offense” before you point your ill-gotten, yet constitutionally-protected, weapons at your next victims.


Will Justice Turn the Tables on Zimmerman?

April 13, 2012

By Cole

Going rogue this week didn’t work out so well for George Zimmerman. He’s finally where he’s belonged since killing Trayvon Martin on February 26 — in jail.

Zimmerman has a new lawyer, Mark O’Mara, and they’ve actually met. Wisely, upon Zimmerman’s first appearance in court yesterday, O’Mara refrained from trying to get Zimmerman sprung on bail. Apparently, O’Mara realized how a quick bounce in and out of the slammer for George would go over with everyone who’s been watching this outrageous case unfold. But Zimmerman does have a bail hearing tentatively scheduled for April 20.

The option of lamming it to Peru is probably looking better to Zimmerman by the minute.

Trayvon’s mother said on the Today Show that she thinks the killing was an “accident.” That upset some people, so she clarified that the accident was really Zimmerman and Trayvon crossing paths at all.

I don’t think Zimmerman planned to shoot Trayvon when he ignored the dispatcher, left his SUV, and pursued the kid. I think Zimmerman just wanted to give his undersized cojones a self-esteem boost. He intended to bully and scare the bejesus out of a black kid to make him an example for the others he believed had “gotten away.”

What Zimmerman mis-estimated was Trayvon’s reaction, which apparently was to instinctively “stand his ground” and fight back. And that’s when Zimmerman lost control of the situation and things turned deadly.

Since Zimmerman was indisputably the instigator (proven during his 911 call) of a confrontation with an unarmed boy who was committing no crime, I hope the tables turn in court and Zimmerman finds that pre-arming himself and engaging in unwarranted pursuit of a minor made Trayvon the one protected by the Stand Your Ground law, fully justifying any injuries Zimmerman claims Trayvon inflicted on him.

Maybe a nice long prison sentence for Zimmerman will make the next gun-toting Barney Fife wannabe think twice.


George Zimmerman Goes Rogue

April 11, 2012

By Cole

What would you do if the world thought you shot an unarmed kid in cold blood and the police let you get away with it?

Go on the lam, of course.

And that’s apparently what George Zimmerman has done while authorities try to wrap their heads around the facts that it wasn’t a crime for 17-year-old Trayvon Martin to walk to 7-Eleven — but it WAS a crime for an armed Zimmerman to pursue Trayvon for no reason and ultimately kill him.

As it turns out, Zimmerman’s so-called “lawyers,” who have been staunchly proclaiming “their client’s” innocence all over the media, have never actually laid eyes on him. And now that Zimmerman’s stopped returning their phone calls, texts, and emails, and seems to have left Florida, they’re “withdrawing” from “representing” him.

If this case has brought out anything besides a bad rash of racial tension, it’s media hounds seeking 15 minutes of fame as Zimmerman apologists.

Apparently, Sean Hannity got first crack at a phone interview with Zimmerman, but nobody knows what they talked about. Hannity’s saving it for his show — as entertainment. Gotta love Faux News.

Zimmerman also tried to contact Angela Corey, the special prosecutor who has decided to single-handedly decree the next step (to bring charges or to say “let’s just forget it”) because she thinks grand juries are too fickle. But she required George have representation, which he apparently never did.

Meanwhile, Zimmerman’s on the loose. He presumably has relatives on his mother’s side in Peru, so I bet he gets a second chance to start over — which is WAY more than Trayvon got.

PS: If you’re interested in helping to finance Zimmerman’s new life, visit his website. He’s soliciting donations for living expenses and legal fees for lawyers who were working pro-bono whom he refused to meet.

HILARIOUSLY, Zimmerman included this easy-to-miss quote by Edmund Burke, partially obscured by the American flag background…

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men do nothing.

Apparently, he thinks Trayvon or all the people now wanting justice in his memory are “evil.”

So let’s set Zimmerman straight on that concept. “Evil” is…

1) When nuts with itchy trigger fingers are allowed to walk among us armed.

2) That the Sanford police apparently believe there’s a legal hunting season for young black males and don’t question their killers.


Anyone Believe Zimmerman’s Innocent Yet?

March 29, 2012

By Cole

More than a month after shooting Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman’s best strategy might be to ask his lawyers, family, and “friends” to shut up already.

Early on, Zimmerman played the victim card, alleging Trayvon jumped HIM. It just doesn’t make sense. Trayvon’s girlfriend was listening on Trayvon’s cell and heard him ask, “Why are you following me?” and then she said the phone sounded like it dropped and went dead. I believe her story because talking to his girlfriend is exactly how a kid walking down the street would occupy himself.

If Trayvon was stalking Zimmerman to jump him, don’t you think he’d first stop yakking and put his phone away so he’d have both hands free?

Zimmerman’s father Robert (a retired judge) claims Trayvon said something like, “You’re gonna die tonight.”

Every new version from Zimmerman’s side makes Trayvon sound thuggier.

Now there’s video of Zimmerman with the police that night. He claimed Trayvon beat his head against the sidewalk and broke his nose, yet refused to go to the hospital. At the station, his clothes look tidy, he doesn’t seem in pain, nor are blood or wounds evident. Hmmm…

Somebody has tried to smear Trayvon by leaking he was on suspension from school over marijuana crumbs found in a baggie in his backpack. Nobody knows if he smoked it.

If Trayvon was a user, it only works in his favor. Potheads are known for outbursts of violent aggression — NOT.

Also leaked was that Trayvon had been suspended 3 times this past year, and may have been involved in a robbery or burglary, as if perhaps he deserved killing. But that didn’t give Zimmerman the right to be his executioner.

Zimmerman’s past includes trouble for assaulting a policeman and once had a restraining order taken out against him by an ex-fiancée.

Zimmerman’s lawyer, Craig Sonner, crazily fled before an interview with Lawrence O’Donnell (to ensuing hilarity), but Trayvon’s family’s lawyer stuck around and raised 2 excellent points:

1) Did the Stand Your Ground law cover Trayvon while he was being pursued by a gun-wielding stranger, making it OK to strike back in self-defense?

2) Can the instigator of a fight claim “self-defense” once he loses the fight, to justify whatever harm he inflicted on his opponent?

And then there’s Joe Oliver, a black guy who’s been making the rounds defending Zimmerman, when it turns out they’re barely acquainted. O’Donnell ripped Oliver a new one, revealing him to be another publicity hound who might say anything.

Lead investigator Chris Serino has said he didn’t believe Zimmerman’s story and wanted to arrest him, but was told to back off.

Trayvon may be dead and unable to defend himself, but nobody’s helping Zimmerman, either.

It’s just a shame that this has morphed into a big racial thing. Strangely enough, the 2 white people who best seem to “get it” are Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann. And the point is…

No kid of ANY race or color should have to worry about getting shot. Crazy guys who shoot kids without provocation need to go to jail. Period.


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