Romney Finds His Soulmate

August 13, 2012

By Cole

In Hollywood parlance, I’m not sure if the new Republican ticket is Ryney (to rhyme with “whiny”) or Roman (pronounced like the cheap packaged noodles 99% of Americans will be eating if this pair wins).

On August 11, Mitt Romney continued his grand Foot in Mouth Tour with a visit to Virginia, standing in front of the battleship USS Wisconsin (because Republicans apparently need their symbolism that size to get it) and introducing to the world “the next president of the United States,” Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

You could almost hear foreheads being slapped off-camera as Ryan took the stage and began to speak, while Romney’s handlers turned Mitt around, saying, “YOU’RE the next president, REMEMBER??!!!”

Then Romney rudely interrupted Ryan by popping back into frame to explain with a nervous chuckle that he (Mitt) sometimes makes mistakes (ya THINK?) but, “I didn’t make a mistake with this guy.”

I predict that moment will be replayed widely on November 7 after Obama’s re-election, as Romney’s famous last words.

Paul Ryan is Sarah Palin in pants. Young (42), eager, ambitious, attractive, and rabid to spout off whatever the nuttiest fringe of the base wants to hear.

Granted, Ryan is intellectually leap years ahead of Palin because he does his homework, but the results are so far out in left field, he might as well be an idiot.

For starters, Ryney claim they can cut taxes and reduce the deficit simultaneously.

It sounds great in campaign-speak, but in plain English they’re saying, “We’re going to take in less money but pay more of the bills.”

And do this while increasing defense spending. In prep, perhaps, for yet a 3rd Republican-instigated war — tag-teaming with Israel to make Iran a parking lot?

The only way they can possibly do all this is to brutally slash programs that actually help people, like Social Security, Medicare, infrastructure maintenance (roads, bridges), and education for starters.

It’s said Romney feels totally comfortable with Ryan, a red flag right there. Also, both men have kept their hookup under wraps since August 1, and Ryan intends to divulge only 2 years of tax returns. That should tell us something about how open and transparent a Romney administration would be.

The only comfort in all this is knowing that the vice-presidency is the world’s biggest non-job, and you can’t believe ANY candidate’s promises. Once they’re faced with Congress, all bets are off and it’s every greedy crook for himself. All these 10-year projections of deficits, savings, and surpluses are baloney because these guys won’t be around to see them through.

Romney took a bold chance picking his veep. He should ask John McCain how that worked out in 2008.


GOP, Face It: You’re Stuck with Romney

April 5, 2012

By Cole

As if Republicans can’t give us enough examples of their refusal to face reality, now we’ve got Rick Santorum. This man has a loser stench that he alone seems unable to smell, and he still will not admit that Mitt Romney sewed up the nomination this week with a clean 3-primary sweep.

Voters have finally noticed the tide, and not even Santorum at his most sanctimonious has the power to turn it.

No, he’d rather subject himself to the humiliation of the upcoming Pennsylvania primary. This is the state that most recently flung him out of the Senate with an 18-point loss.

And now he thinks those same voters would MUCH rather see him in the White House? And this guy’s kids are home-schooled — to be the next generation of village idiots, one must assume.

Even nutty Newt Gingrich has had the good grace to fold up his campaign and fade away.

It’s sad that the best person the GOP could find to pit against Obama is a creepy guy who probably sleeps in a bed with a lid on it. But it’s time for them to face it.

I won’t go so far as to say yet that they’re probably handing Obama a second term, but I think we can see where this is heading.

Conservative craziness seems to finally be hitting the wall.

The most constructive thing Republicans could do until they hold their pep rally to make Romney’s nomination official would be to stop spewing their mostly-fact-free vitriol, stop blowing money on moot campaigning, and give everyone’s ears a break.

Then in the fall, we can shake Romney’s Etch-a-Sketch to forget what a total phony he is, and let the real campaign begin.


GOP Virginia Primary is Toast

January 3, 2012

By Cole

The stink over the Virginia GOP primary ballot gets ranker by the minute. Virginia’s Attorney General, Ken “Cuckoo” Cuccinelli, was in favor of letting Rick Perry bully his way in with a lawsuit — until he was against it. Now Cuccinelli thinks it would be unfair to Romney and Paul, who followed the rules for getting 10,000 valid signatures, to change the game midstream so the slackers can join them on the ballot.

Republicans call this “flip-flopping” and consider it a mortal sin. Let’s hope the Tea Party remembers that when Cuccinelli runs for governor next year.

But it gets even better: Now Gingrich, Bachmann, Huntsman, and Santorum have asked to be on the ballot — and the last 3 never even submitted the first signature.

One Republican screener who witnessed the signature validation process has reported it was entrusted to untrained boobs who tossed names for reasons like the signers didn’t stay on the lines.

At this point, the whole process is so corrupt, Virginia’s Republican voters are beyond screwed. The party should stop wasting money churning this mess and forget it. A primary doesn’t elect anybody anyway.

State Democrats already canceled their primary because Obama’s unopposed.

A GOP ballot with Paul and Romney on it is only slightly less absurd. They’ll be lucky if anybody shows up at the polls March 6 to participate in this farce.

But if they cave and let the motley crew on the ballot without making them do the work, the qualification requirements for next time can be reduced to having a pulse.

(And the rules aren’t that crazy. Virginia residency is required to discourage candidates from bringing in their flying monkeys to collect signatures. The 400 names per congressional district is to make candidates canvass every rural corner of the state, not just hit the dense condo jungles of Northern Virginia and get 10,000 names during one rush-hour gridlock.)

The bottom line is that the GOP destroyed its own primary. Half the candidates didn’t bother to enter. Now they’re wasting good money trying to salvage something whose results can’t fail to be so bogus, they’d embarrass Vladimir Putin.

Why isn’t the Tea Party screaming, “Enough is enough”?


Herman Cain STILL Doesn’t Get It

December 4, 2011

By Adele

As a presidential candidate, Herman Cain’s greatest distinction has been that he’s not only clueless about foreign countries, he totally doesn’t get half the voters in America — women.

Consequently, Cain “suspended” his campaign yesterday. He may have succeeded in blowing off multiple reports of random ass-grabbing a few weeks ago, but the latest revelation of a 13-year affair with a woman living near Cain’s doorstep in Georgia FINALLY caused his campaign contributors to head for the exits.

But why did Ginger White decide to come forward? She and Cain were apparently tight until she did, if the volume of texts they exchanged recently is any indication.

White said she decided to speak out after seeing Cain totally trash the other women, claiming they were ALL lying, unstable, doing it for money out of desperation. White must have thought her more current, solid claim of his infidelity would get him to come clean.

Cain’s now calling White’s story “garbage,” and she says going public has been “humiliating.”

Yet, Cain admits he’s been helping to support this “troubled,” garbage-spewing liar (unbeknownst to his wife) out of the sheer goodness of his heart.

If nothing else, Cain’s proven a magnet for unbalanced babes who harbor a maniacal urge to bring him down, no matter how much mud they’re dragged through.

It must be the current political climate, where so many people prize ignorance above diamonds, that emboldens guys like Cain and Jerry Sandusky to think their pathetic attempts to bury their stinky business and shred their victims’ characters will vindicate them.

But it’s best that voters see this side of Cain now. If he crumbles under the “lies” of a few “unstable” women, what would he do in a REAL crisis? Hide under the bed?

So Cain’s campaign is kaput. “Suspended” my foot. When you make Newt Gingrich look good, you’re toast. Cain ends up on the trash heap with Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, Paul, and Huntsman (who always seemed too qualified and sensible to have a chance.)

Cain claims he’s now at peace with God and his wife. I can’t speak for God, but his wife was probably standing behind him at gunpoint while he made his drop-out speech — just in case he decides to try again in 2016.

But I don’t think it will surprise anyone if, after the Secret Service and TV cameras pull out, Herman wakes up one morning to find his clothes in a bonfire on the front lawn.


Why the GOP is Like the 4th of July

November 14, 2011

By Cole

Here’s a riddle: What do the misfits and intellectually-challenged opportunists vying for the Republican nomination have in common with Independence Day?

Fireworks. One by one they have been catapulted by their gullible followers to the heights of the polls. They hover for a time, all sparkly and beautiful and full of promise, and everybody “Oohs” and “Aahs” at their brilliance.

But then their flash is exhausted, they’ve got no substance to keep them aloft, and they fall back to earth.

Last week it was Rick Perry’s turn to flame out. After making an ass of himself almost every time he opened his mouth until he swore off debates altogether, they pulled him back in. That tells you right there he’s not cut out to tangle with whichever foreign despots we haven’t killed off.

And Perry obliged by really stepping in it. Herman Cain owes him a big one for deflecting the heat.

Don’t you just love listening to buffoons bragging about all the government agencies they’ll unilaterally wipe out — and then in the next breath reveal they have no idea what they’re talking about?

Poor Herman seems to be showing signs of early-onset dementia in his inability to remember any of the women who clearly remember him groping dissing them.

And now Rick Perry’s making George W. Bush look like Demosthenes.

And yet Perry and Cain act like they should get a pass for their inability to convey articulate or honest thought. After 8 years of Bush, and the U.S. declaring open season on heads of state we don’t like, it’s hard to imagine the rest of the world taking yet another mush-mouth in the Oval Office in stride.

Next up in the fireworks display: Newt Gingrich. He’s been one of those stealth types, but they’re running out of options so he’s he’s approaching his zenith and will have to show us what he’s got. It’s almost a certainty that some news hound will drag yet another skeleton out Newt’s walk-in closet, and he’ll end up on the ash-heap with the rest.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney quietly lies in the shadows, waiting for his party to put away the garlic and the crosses, open his lid, and beg him to suck the life out of Obama.


Christie Lets the Loonies Churn

October 5, 2011

By Cole

What part of “I’m not running for president” don’t the Republicans understand? New Jersey governor Chris Christie has told them for the MILLIONTH time he doesn’t want the job.

If Republicans hadn’t humored Tea Party wackos, they wouldn’t have ended up with the motley collection of fools and misfits who have risen to the top of the party like swamp scum.

Now they’ve got to live with it.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin in her garish bus is popping wheelies in Walmart parking lots all over Nowhere, USA, trying to get somebody’s attention and praying for the Tea Party to come and beg her to be the savior who drives Obama out of office.

Her requirements for the job are simple:

  • No participating in debates
  • No interviews or Q&As she hasn’t scripted
  • No running in pesky primaries

If Palin had it her way, there would be no election, either. She’d just be anointed — and probably get bored and quit 2 years into her term.

I have no idea how good or bad a governor Chris Christie is (I’m sure reader MorganLF can fill us in), but his refusal to let himself be talked into running seems like a sign of integrity, which is unheard of in a politician.

Of what remains, here’s my feline take …

  • Michele Bachmann – Talked herself into oblivion, thank goodness.
  • Rick Santorum – Invisible Man.
  • Mitt Romney – Sleeps in a coffin.
  • Newt Gingrich – Senile.
  • Rick Perry – Keeps letting his mouth shoot him in the foot.
  • Ron Paul – Flake with a few good ideas.
  • Jon Huntsman – My favorite, but reason and common sense doom him.
  • Herman Cain – Hmmmm…

Cain’s star is rising, but could the Tea Party ever stomach a race between 2 black cats?

I suspect TPers would stay home in droves on election day, finally dispelling any doubt they’re a bunch of racists. If it came down to casting a vote for ANOTHER black man (I mean, where’s it going to end?), they’d just let Obama stay in the White House.


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