Royal Wedding Secrets Revealed

May 2, 2011

By Adele

Thank goodness, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding went off without a hitch. You’ve seen it all, but I’ve uncovered a few tidbits you won’t find anywhere else. I’m tardy reporting them because I had to wait for confirmation through our network of well-placed sources (don’t ask; I’d have to shred you). Let’s just say that a Portuguese Water Dog and a few Corgis were “in the loop.”

It was a miracle Kate managed to keep her wedding gown a secret, but a handful of insiders know the dress spawned a mystery that tracks back to the White House.

It seems that Michelle Obama sent Kate a secret gift, accompanied by a handwritten note. A smeared draft was found when a wastebasket got knocked over during a game of Fetch. It said…

Dear Miss Middleton,

Barack and I offer congratulations to you and Prince William. While I’m sure your wedding dress will be lovely, I’d like to offer my assistance and a foolproof fashion tip.

You’ll find that the accessory I’m enclosing will complement any outfit — casual or formal — and make your waist look TINY! And since it’s a vintage piece from my personal collection, it will qualify as “something old” on your wedding day!

Best wishes,

I know you and William are trying to stay on a budget, so if your gown needs a certain “
je ne sais quoi,” my designer suggests crumpled dryer sheets. Worked GREAT on my inaugural gown; people said I looked just like a bride. Bonus — They smell heavenly!

The package contained a 3” wide, black leather, metal-studded belt. Maybe this one.

Well, Kate’s gown wasn’t belted and her dress had no Bounce detailing. And since Kate and William left Buckingham Palace, the official response to media inquiries has been, “What belt?”

The day after: Where's Michelle's belt? (Photo - John Stillwell, WPA Group/Getty Images)


While William was showing Prince Charles how to do marriage right at Westminster, Charles was taking notes. Either Camilla’s on thin ice, or Charles must think he’ll need to give Harry “the talk” some day.

Whenever he thought the cameras weren’t on him, Charles pulled a keychain Sharpie from his sleeve to discreetly scribble on his palm. By the end of the ceremony, he’d run out of skin and used one of Camilla’s hands. An eagle-eyed source who received some petting from the couple back at the palace was able to make out this list…

1. Be in love with who’s walking down the aisle.

2. Don’t lie about your intentions for her to the bishop.

3. 2 billion witnesses are watching.

4. Her name — remember it.

5. The vows apply to both of you.

6. Today gives her first dibs on your bed.

7. Don’t let them see you’d rather be fishing in Scotland.

Kate couldn’t have been a more perfect, classic bride. Her dress will be considered elegant and stylish 100 years from now. I hope all the strapless, backless Bridezillas out there now realize how sexy sleeves can be.

And if Diana’s example taught her sons anything, it’s how to treat a woman right — or else. I think William will make a great husband and father, and I hope we’re all around to see the next next king and his bride take the throne.

PS: Monday’s usual Bourdain report is postponed until tomorrow. Tonight’s No Reservations is a rerun of Haiti.


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