Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

January 14, 2013

By Cole

Everyone in the gun control debate seems to agree that crazy people shouldn’t have guns. But Senator John McCain thinks assault weapons shouldn’t be banned.

I think McCain’s opinion is symptomatic of mental illness. Anyone who believes private citizens should have the means to commit mass murder in a minute is a sick bastard.

Similarly, hunters who think they should, need to, or just enjoy shooting innocent animals for sport have mental issues (and probably really small penises).

Also of questionable sanity are those who think they need arsenals in their homes from which crazy people can steal (see Nancy Lanza, the gun nut who facilitated the Newtowne massacre and found herself dead, thanks to one of her own guns).

This may surprise you, but I’m OK with private citizens owning one small gun that fires one bullet at a time — that’s all they need to stop an intruder. BUT, they should have a license, a thorough background check showing no history of violence or crime, AND they should complete periodic, mandatory gun training to earn and renew their license.

Some guns are called “assault weapons” because victims have no chance against them. By the same token, SUVs are “assault vehicles” and instruments of death.

The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license.

Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.

But SUVs are as impractical for citizens as home arsenals. They hog EVERYTHING — the materials they’re made of, gas, roads, parking spaces. They’re an utter waste.

But you see SUVs everywhere because enough nuts initially bought them to make sane people feel compelled to do likewise — IN SELF-DEFENSE.

Gun sales spike after each massacre in a self-defensive response. (Nuts jobs use massacres as excuses to bulk up their arsenals.)

The only way we’re ever going to stem this country’s rising tide of mayhem is to forcibly insist on civility for all.

People need to scream for bans on assault weapons and ownership of multiple weapons. Limiting the type and number of firearms people can have violates NOTHING in the Second Amendment.

The government can take another baby step back from the fiscal cliff by taxing the hell out of bullets to make them prohibitively expensive. It can also tax the hell out of SUV sales to make regular cars all most people can afford.

Want the answer to my riddle? A gun is like an SUV because NOBODY, besides active military in a war zone, needs to have either one.


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