Larry Craig, Your 9 Lives are Up

December 3, 2007

By Fred

In addition to the police officer in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport’s men’s room in June, eight more men have told the Idaho Statesman they had sex or fielded passes from Idaho Senator Larry Craig over a span of 40 years, back to his college days. Their stories can’t be concretely proved, but Craig’s documented travels seem to coincide with the dates.

Statesman file photo

Statesman file photo

Talk about a guy looking for love in all the wrong places.

Craig still insists the world’s lying and he’s terribly misunderstood. He has yet to give a “straight” answer to why he goes to gay clubs and says and does so many gay things.

He had a bizarre dress code during some of his little trysts – he kept his pants on. Probably to keep from getting caught with them down. But did Monica Lewinsky’s stained blue dress teach him nothing? All it takes is one cell phone camera to catch him with a wet crotch. And he can bet all eyes are trained on his crotch, since he’s made it the focus of his existence.

This guy who’s so afraid of getting caught, according to one of his eight boy-toys, allegedly tried to score a quickie in the Denver Airport men’s room during a layover for a flight to DC – while he was flying with his wife.

But the real irony is that Craig himself made his ex-lovers sing like canaries. They had no problem servicing a closeted gay senator. What set them off was finding out he’s a liar and a hypocrite.

The way I see it, Craig’s got nine turds in his litterbox and no pooper-scooper in sight. The only way out is OUT.

Can the First Amendment Save Larry Craig?

October 28, 2007

By Fred

First, a correction: Larry Craig has never fathered children. He adopted his wife’s litter.

In Craig’s quest to be a red-blooded stud, he’s got the ACLU saying that foot-tapping and hand-waving are protected by the First Amendment.

Yeah, and so are whisker-twitching and tail-swishing.

Craig’s also floating the argument that charging him with disorderly conduct is unconstitutional, which must mean he thinks hassling the guy in the next stall was orderly conduct.

I caught Matt Lauer’s interview with Craig and his wife Suzanne on Dateline recently and learned a lot. For instance, Larry’s been leaving a trail of men since college. And when he was a new congressman in 1982, there was another congressional page scandal and he was the only one involved who tried to deny it.

Once, a man tried to prove Craig’s gayness by describing his private parts. Suzanne scoffed that the guy got three things wrong. I wondered how she’d know, if they’re really God-fearing conservatives who only “do it” on their birthdays with the lights off. She’d need better eyes than a cat to catch a glimpse of Larry’s jewels from missionary position.

My ears perked up when Craig said he’s been in that particularly well-known gay “hot spot” in the Minneapolis airport many times but, “to his knowledge,” has never been solicited for sex.

To his knowledge? Was he implying that guys have hit on him, but he just didn’t get it?

Note to Larry: If you have nothing to hide, weasel words don’t help.

As California’s wildfires are tragically proving, where there’s tons of smoke… The more Craig protests, the gayer he sounds.

OK, Larry. Enough’s Enough!

October 5, 2007

By Fred

It’s clear to everyone but Idaho Senator Larry Craig that his political career is kaput. He should take up ballet next because his pirouettes are breathtaking.

Unfortunately, the judge refused to throw out Craig’s guilty plea. He didn’t believe Craig was in a Minneapolis-induced panic two months later when he tried to minimize the alleged gay incident in the airport men’s room.

It sure doesn’t take my tail two months to bush out when I panic.

Who knows why Craig really wants to stick around Washington? His Republican cronies think he’s the dog who rolled in a dead skunk. They’re not going to slap his back with an, “OK, never mind,” and give back his committee seats. They’ve got too many years of judgmental shunning precedence at stake.

He’ll be excluded when they hatch their next harebrained plot to pass senseless laws discriminating against yet another harmless group many of them secretly belong to – like maybe denture-wearing seniors.

Craig’s family aren’t swine. They won’t enjoy wallowing in the mud he’ll be trailing until he shuts up and gets out of public life.

But wait a minute! Maybe this whole thing is bigger than Craig. Maybe he’s another White House fall guy, chosen because they know a sleazy scandal is the surest way to divert our attention from the Iraq fiasco. They’re predicting public hearings in an ethics investigation will be juicier than giblets and gravy. C-Span must be drooling.

It appears “Larry’s Senate Sideshow” will run until Idaho voters give him the hook. If they’ve got any self-esteem left, they should be sharpening their pitchforks right now.

Will He or Won’t He (Craig, Resign)?

September 6, 2007

By Fred

I’ve got a morbid fascination in the mess that Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig has made. Every time he opens his mouth, he squanders what remains of his nine political lives faster than a cat in the middle of a superhighway.

After agreeing to resign his Senate seat a few days ago, Craig apparently had one of those cartoon lightbulbs flash over his head: “Hey, wait a minute, guys! If I can beat this rap, I can stay!”

You should have thought of that before you pleaded guilty, Buddy-Boy. Even if Bush were to pardon you, your career on Capitol Hill is toast. Like Scooter Libby’s. Why drag your family through any more humiliation?

Like Craig, I wrestle with my own demon. Peeing in unseemly places. I can deny my puddles all day, but to Yul, Adele, and Karen, I’ll forever be “the cat who forgets the litterbox.” I have to live with that.

Craig seems to keep forgetting he’s gay. He got married, had kids. Oops!

His occasional lapses into gay mating behavior that don’t result in “getting lucky” don’t make him a heterosexual. They make him a gay wannabe who forgets he has a female wife at home.

Larry Craig, wake up and smell the dirty kitty litter. Males who aren’t gay don’t act gay by accident and get arrested. They never feel compelled to plead guilty to lesser charges – because there are no charges.

This is one pile you’re never going to cover up. Instead of digging your hole any deeper by continuing to protest that being gay is worse than death, why don’t you just shut up, go find yourself a boyfriend, and sort yourself out in private?

Of course, if you choose to stop being a hypocrite, you’ll probably have to switch political parties, too, because Republicans don’t like honest homosexuals, either.

A Cat Explains What the Craig Fuss is About

August 30, 2007

By Fred

“Let me be clear. I am not gay. I never have been gay.”

As a red-blooded American domestic shorthaired tomcat, I could have said that, but I didn’t. Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig said it.

I must dip a claw into politics here because this hairball is just too juicy to ignore.

If I ever waved my paws around and played footsie with Yul while we were using our respective litterboxes, he’d be wearing my tail as a trophy on his collar. Real men just don’t do that stuff.

What I don’t get is all the suits on talk shows saying we’re making a big deal over Larry Craig just because he’s a Republican.

Hello? Haven’t the Republicans made it mandatory to stick your nose into everyone’s personal business and judge what behavior is acceptable?

If Republicans’ relentless curiosity about all things sexual didn’t put cats to shame, what Larry does in the privacy of public restrooms would be irrelevant.

This all reminds me of Bill Clinton, that hero of tomcats everywhere. He, at least, did his deeds in the relative cleanliness of the Oval Office with the opposite gender, and now he’s living happily ever after, no worse for wear.

Mom cats tell their kittens, “When you make your bed, you better lie in it.” To avoid being hypocrites, Craig’s conservative buddies have no choice but to condemn and shun him and destroy his career. It’s only the same level of courtesy he and they would extend to any gay stranger.

Once all the perverts on Capitol Hill fall out of their closets and end up on the receiving end of the disgust and abuse they so gleefully dish out, maybe they’ll be more inclined to live and let live. That would end some wars and make the world a much better place for the rest of us.

The only thing wrong with Larry Craig is that dirty public bathrooms seem to turn him on. I hope his wife gives him a good bleaching and a flea bath before she lets him curl up beside her in bed again.

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