Putin Finally Spits in Obama’s Eye

August 2, 2013

By Adele

It’s not like we didn’t see this day coming. I don’t know if Putin’s a racist, or if he’s just had it up to here with America’s sanctimonious deceit, but he must have some thrill at lucking into the opportunity to give asylum to Edward Snowden, that geeky little secret-spewer the feds all want a piece of.

But my unflattering description of Snowden is not to say I think he’s a bad guy. Bush and Cheney (and to varying degrees, leaders before them) gave that government overreach snowball a strong push down the hill. Largely unchecked by Obama, it’s been gaining size and momentum ever since.

The American people have a right to know that Big Brother can’t get enough of their personal business.

But the same can be said of collection agencies, the TSA, the IRS, insurance companies, even freaking WEBSITES. The list is endless.

It’s not like the U.S. hasn’t been building up to a world-class smack-down. Probably more than any place on earth, we’ve got more offensive nutbags per square inch who don’t believe in global warning, evolution, life-saving vaccines, women’s rights, civil rights, gays, yada, yada.

At the same time, these so-called “lovers of life and liberty” embrace guns, war, lethal injection, and “stand your ground.”

The world is just damn sick of us and our empty-headed BS.

It’s just ironic that Putin, of all people, was the one to deliver the coup de grâce, leaving John McCain foaming at the mouth and calling for retaliation just shy of declaring war on Russia.

Apparently, Snowden’s already got a Russian job offer, and he’s not prohibited from spilling more dirt on U.S. covert operations.

You’ve got to wonder about the government stooges running our stinking spying system who allowed some rookie outside contractor like Snowden to get his mitts on so much damaging poop. I haven’t seen any of them doing the perp walk for breaking the law and then letting Snowden expose it.

While Obama wipes Putin’s saliva from his face, it would be a good time for the holier-than-thou crowd in Washington to just STFU and get its own house in order.

The U.S. has been behaving like it’s in a bad James Bond movie and calling it “national security.” We got caught. Parading Snowden through our joke of a justice system isn’t going to change that — because he’d probably get acquitted by some idiot jury anyway.

Our politicians need to pull up their big-boy pants and move on. We have nobody to blame for Putin winning this round but ourselves.


Obama’s Second-Term Theme: Enough is Enough

January 30, 2013

By Cole

If you were disappointed by President Obama’s first term, you had to love his second inaugural speech, where he focused on fixing what ails THIS country. He made scant mention of foreign policy or matters most dear to Republicans — namely, screwing anyone who isn’t rich and white.

Michelle was kind enough to toss Boehner & Co. a symbolic bone by dressing both the kids in purple.

After the ceremony, John McCain whined, “I would have liked to see some outreach.”

Yeah, for what? So you could spit on Obama’s extended hand and turn your back on him again?

Now that he has no more elections to win, Obama seems fresh out of cheeks to turn with Republicans. They seem to get the message.

Or perhaps a few Republicans heard about the recent Public Policy Polling survey where people ranked the 112th Congress below head lice, cockroaches, and colonoscopies, among other odious things.

Or maybe they got embarrassed watching themselves trying to rip Hillary Clinton a new one over the September attack on the Libyan Embassy. Beating Hillary over the head with the corpses of 4 murdered Americans for political show was exactly what we’ve come to expect of them. It was predictably pointless and disgusting and had Hillary exasperated.

Obama’s new calls for gun control, immigration reform, and gay rights have got the Republicans scurrying for cover, and led their standard-bearers, like vice presidential loser, Paul “Lyin’” Ryan, to tell his cronies they’d better start “picking their fights.”

In so many words, they’re admitting they’ve been hell-bent on sinking Obama just for spite, no matter what a mess they made of the country.

Isn’t that called treason?

This week, they’re allowing progress on immigration, and are letting women go in to combat.

Even the Boy Scouts are pulling their heads out of their asses to consider co-existence with gays (which they’ve probably been doing all along, just refusing to acknowledge).

Mitt Romney’s 3-million vote defeat proved that backward, conservative thinking is not the country’s preference. We hope Obama and Biden continue to drag Republicans into the 21st century.


Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

January 14, 2013

By Cole

Everyone in the gun control debate seems to agree that crazy people shouldn’t have guns. But Senator John McCain thinks assault weapons shouldn’t be banned.

I think McCain’s opinion is symptomatic of mental illness. Anyone who believes private citizens should have the means to commit mass murder in a minute is a sick bastard.

Similarly, hunters who think they should, need to, or just enjoy shooting innocent animals for sport have mental issues (and probably really small penises).

Also of questionable sanity are those who think they need arsenals in their homes from which crazy people can steal (see Nancy Lanza, the gun nut who facilitated the Newtowne massacre and found herself dead, thanks to one of her own guns).

This may surprise you, but I’m OK with private citizens owning one small gun that fires one bullet at a time — that’s all they need to stop an intruder. BUT, they should have a license, a thorough background check showing no history of violence or crime, AND they should complete periodic, mandatory gun training to earn and renew their license.

Some guns are called “assault weapons” because victims have no chance against them. By the same token, SUVs are “assault vehicles” and instruments of death.

The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license.

Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.

But SUVs are as impractical for citizens as home arsenals. They hog EVERYTHING — the materials they’re made of, gas, roads, parking spaces. They’re an utter waste.

But you see SUVs everywhere because enough nuts initially bought them to make sane people feel compelled to do likewise — IN SELF-DEFENSE.

Gun sales spike after each massacre in a self-defensive response. (Nuts jobs use massacres as excuses to bulk up their arsenals.)

The only way we’re ever going to stem this country’s rising tide of mayhem is to forcibly insist on civility for all.

People need to scream for bans on assault weapons and ownership of multiple weapons. Limiting the type and number of firearms people can have violates NOTHING in the Second Amendment.

The government can take another baby step back from the fiscal cliff by taxing the hell out of bullets to make them prohibitively expensive. It can also tax the hell out of SUV sales to make regular cars all most people can afford.

Want the answer to my riddle? A gun is like an SUV because NOBODY, besides active military in a war zone, needs to have either one.


Arizona Scandinavians Should Worry

May 3, 2010

By Cole

Arizona’s new “reasonable suspicion” law to crack down on illegal immigrants spawned protests all over the country this weekend, even though Arizona governor Jan Brewer disingenuously claimed after signing the bill that she doesn’t even know what an illegal immigrant looks like.

Since about 30% of Arizona’s population is Hispanic, we’re supposed to believe the governor can’t tell a Mexican from a Swede.

The only way police can possibly deflect accusations that they’re picking on Mexicans in droves is to do the opposite.

So, all you blond-haired, blue-eyed Nordic types, make sure your papers are in order because the authorities will be gunning for you. Maybe you should laminate your documents and wear them around your necks like rabies tags.

And I’d stay away from that IKEA in Tempe. They must know it’s a hub for your kind and may organize a sting to send you packing, along with your streamlined, highly functional furniture.

Almost as if addicted to scorn, Arizona is also working on a “birther” law that requires presidential candidates to provide proof of citizenship to get on the state’s ballot. Arizona apparently doesn’t recognize Hawaii as a state, and they’re determined to shut out Obama in 2012.

To avoid potential legal challenges asserting Hawaii’s statehood, I suggest amending the legislation to require all candidates to come from states not separated from Arizona by water.

John McCain must be bursting with pride that Arizona has gone rogue. All he needs is a few more visits by Sarah Palin and his re-election by a plurality of paranoid bigots in November should be in the bag.


Will Sarah Palin Ever Run Out of Scapegoats?

November 18, 2009

By Adele

Short answer? No. And Oprah Winfrey walked on eggs trying not to become the next one. Sarah Palin’s book, Going Rogue, began polluting bookstores yesterday, blaming everybody for everything. Now she’s whining to Rush LimpPaw, Barbara Walters, and anybody else who can listen to her with a straight face.

(Photo - AP/Harper)

Oprah seemed unusually subdued for most of their chat, carefully lobbing softball questions as if she’d been ordered, “Don’t try to make Sarah ad lib an original thought or say anything she can’t readily quote from the book.”

Oprah did dare to replay the infamous clip of Katie Couric asking Palin about what she reads. Palin’s still oblivious to the fact that she’s the only one who detects malice or a hidden agenda — and she still can’t name a title.

New York Times book reviewer Michiko Kakutani has pegged Going Rogue as “part cagey spin, part earnest autobiography, part payback hit job,” and hinted that Palin’s co-author, Lynn Vincent, features editor of an evangelical magazine called World, did Palin no favors by not cleaning up nonsensical imagery like this sentence from the first paragraph:

“I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier.”

Oprah only seemed to thaw out when she got Palin to say Levi Johnston has an open invitation to Thanksgiving, right after she trashed him by claiming he aspires to a porn career because of his relatively modest Playgirl spread.

Speaking of trashing, Palin also did a number on John McCain’s key campaign staff, especially manager Steve Schmidt, who calls the book “total fiction.” McCain has only said he’s “disappointed.”

So the dimwit thinks she gets the last word by putting her delusions in print.

The Associated Press did some fact-checking and, not surprisingly, found Palin’s facts lacking.

I confess, like President Obama, I will probably never read Palin’s book because Karen won’t let me. But the buzz tells me if you’re looking for reasons Palin would make a good president, they aren’t in Going Rogue.


Bush Finally Shows Some Class

November 23, 2008

By Fred

Beyond anybody’s expectations, George and Laura Bush have been gracious to the Obamas, even having Barbara and Jenna give Malia and Sasha a private tour of the White House.

Republicans are usually such sore losers – like Sarah Palin blaming McCain’s loss on everybody but herself – is it possible that Bush realizes how deep in the ditch he’s plowed this country and he knows Obama is our only hope?

If McCain had won, we’d have seen a lot of self-satisfied smirking and good ole boy back-slapping on the steps of the White House as Bush and McCain put their heads together to figure out how McCain could keep Americans teetering on the brink of financial collapse and terrified of unemployment and marauding terrorists while he pretended to be improving things.

But with Obama, it’s all different. After he survived the slings and arrows shot at him from all sides with super-human grace, for Bush to diss Obama now would be a new low, even for Bush.

I think Bush secretly hopes Obama will repair the damage Bush has done so in hindsight he can claim, “See? It wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t the terrible president y’all thought I was.”

That’s why 20,000 people in Baghdad just threw a big block party to beat and burn Bush in effigy on the former site of that big statue of Saddam Hussein.

By being nice to Obama, Bush may be rehearsing his return to the role of lovable Uncle Georgie, the Bush family idiot everyone wants to have a beer with.

And Obama optimistically steps into the worst job in the world – cleaning up Bush’s mess.


Reality: Republicans’ Final Frontier

October 23, 2008

By Yul

Republicans are now fixating on who’s “real.” Sarah Palin recently told North Carolinians that certain parts of the country are more “American” than others. She meant small towns like Wasilla and wide-open spaces like the Alaskan tundra. Anywhere the inhabitants are sparse, live simply, and may be poorly educated.

It’s those evil city slickers with diplomas who read books and newspapers (and can name titles) and care about the world around them who aren’t “real” Americans.

They think too much and ask too many questions.

North Carolina’s Representative Robin Hayes, while campaigning for McCain, recently added that “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.”

The McCain campaign has declared Northern Virginia “not real” because it leans Democratic. McCain’s brother Joe went so far as to jokingly call it “communist country.”

For a party that side-steps facts like the cast of River Dance – on the reasons for invading Iraq, stem cell research, healthcare, teen sex, evolution, global warming, Palin’s qualifications, you name it – their sudden zeal for real is truly bizarre.

Columnist Leonard Pitts asks, if they’re real, what does that make the rest of us? Fake?

Well, you can dress a Barbie Doll in a $150,000 wardrobe (Mrs. Joe Six-Pack should be so stylish) and program her to chirp platitudes when you pull her string, but that doesn’t make her a real choice for VP.

Palin still doesn’t even fully understand the job.

Unable to bring himself to play the court jester for his party (again), Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. I guess that makes Powell fake, too.


Still Undecided? Then Let Cats Vote!

October 22, 2008

By Fred

Some voters must be waiting for Barack Obama or John McCain to levitate or cast a spell over them to help them make up their addled minds. These two men couldn’t be more different in temperament, style, and ideas, yet polls by Gallup, Hotline, and Rasmussen show 5-12% of voters are still undecided.

Could it be that, after devoting entire forests of trees and rivers of ink to recording and analyzing the candidates’ every word, gesture, and facial expression for nearly 2 years, the media hasn’t yet revealed enough to make a decision? Had 60 Minutes aired Dan Rather’s special in-depth investigation of how each candidate organizes his sock drawer, might that have done the trick?

I think undecideds simply crave attention. Their faux confusion gets them invitations to attend the debates and join focus groups. Reporters clamor to capture their quotable nuggets of doubt so they can make the candidates lose sleep wondering what else they might do to win the wafflers.

Who cares? We’ve reached the point where undecided voters should be barred from casting their feckless ballots. This election is too important. Rather, let’s study the feasibility of shipping them to another planet because their witless existence wastes precious resources on Mother Earth.

Cats have been watching this campaign from the beginning and our minds are made up. Let us have the undecideds’ votes. We’ll see that America doesn’t fall prey to an out-of-touch geezer who pals around with a blood-thirsty former beauty queen who would shoot and eat us and turn our pelts into throw rugs, given half a chance.

Cats for Obama!


Palin’s Poison

October 15, 2008

By Adele

Sarah Palin’s visit to Richmond, Virginia, this week drew roughly 3 times the population of Wasilla. Unfortunately, she mistook some people in the back for hecklers and reminded them how American soldiers had proudly fought to preserve their right to yell for the sound to be turned up.

People with Down Syndrome have been drawn to the altar of Palin. It makes me wonder if she ever has any pangs of conscience over trying to kill Trig, her similarly-challenged infant.

When she’s doing her devoted-mother schtick, parading Trig around the stage, she could add some truth to her stump speeches and boost McCain:

“Back in April, Trig here broke my water – a month early, dagnabbit – to say, ‘Mommy, I’m ready for my birthday!’. But I went ahead and gave a speech in Texas anyway. Then I flew all the way from Texas to Alaska before I went to the hospital. We already knew Trig was ‘special,’ but we really had no idea just how special he is. That day in spite of my best efforts, my son survived and showed me he’s a real fighter, doggonit, just like John McCain!”

Now Palin’s slam-dunking Levi Johnston, her son-in-law-to-be. She let Bristol start dating Johnston as a freshman, apparently without telling her about the birds and the bees or birth control. Johnston just told reporters he has dropped out of high school to work on the oil fields. He must hope to give himself and Bristol a jump-start as teen trailer trash with a baby when they’re married next summer.

Oh, and Johnson didn’t register in time to vote for Palin.

Palin uses ignorance like a weapon to screw up the lives of those closest to her, but it backfired with her former brother-in-law, Mike Wooten, the state trooper she tried to have fired.

Wooten’s still on the job, and Palin’s abuse of power has been exposed, with possibly more to come, because the ethics investigation has been expanded.

As they say, paybacks are hell.

I only hope Palin’s ever-lengthening trail of poison doesn’t lead to the White House.


Town Hall Format Backfired on McCain

October 8, 2008

By Fred

John McCain showed us last night just how petty he can be. He refused to even look at Obama in the first debate. This time, he was able to actually turn his back while Obama was speaking.

And when it was all over, McCain tapped Obama on the shoulder, but then ignored Obama’s outstretched hand, leaving the “dirty work” of shaking it to his wife Cindy.

Obama, in contrast, paid attention and listened politely whenever McCain was speaking. In return, McCain referred to Obama dismissively as “that one.”

McCain even twisted Teddy Roosevelt’s famous statement, “Walk softly but carry a big stick,” to make it “talk softly” and imply that Obama’s a loud-mouth when it comes to Pakistan.

Overall, many of McCain’s comments seemed peevish, and his referring often to the audience as “my friends” rang hollow. Pacing around the open floor, McCain at times looked like a stooped geezer tottering around on aching feet.

It was like watching a stiff old Bassett hound trying to get the best of a sleek, young, black cat.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Polls are indicating a clear win for Obama, but still some undecided voters. Are these people all deaf and blind?

After watching Palin and McCain’s flippant disrespect toward their opponents in the debates, does anybody really think they’re capable of gaining the trust of any other leader they don’t personally like? Can’t the undecideds see that we’d be facing 4 more years of the world’s contempt if that pair gets into the White House?

The choice to me is as clear as the whiskers on my face. If cats could vote, Obama would have nothing to worry about.


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