We Will Be Well Rid of John Edwards

May 2, 2012

By Adele

You never thought you’d read this here, but George W. Bush’s 2004 re-election was a blessing in disguise. If the John Kerry-John Edwards ticket had won the White House, and Kerry served 2 terms (which he would have, since the alternative was McCain-Palin), VP John Edwards would be running for president today against Mitt Romney.

And Barack Obama would still have us thinking he offers hope and change.

But instead, Edwards is on trial, and we’re learning he’s not fit to pick up after dogs, let alone run a country.

I’m not getting into the obvious guilt of opportunists Andrew and Cheri Young. The court gave them immunity in exchange for squealing on Edwards. But they agreed to jeopardize their own marriage to help Edwards keep his mistress Rielle Hunter and their love child under the sheets during his 2008 presidential run.

Real patriots, that pair.

I just wonder what kind of boundlessly ambitious, scheming cad lets his wife campaign for him while fighting a losing with breast cancer while he sleeps with an opportunistic bimbo. And then calls HER a “crazy slut” when she turns up pregnant.

Not content with betraying just his dying wife, Edwards pressured Andrew Young to claim he was Rielle’s baby-daddy — and then had Rielle MOVE IN with the couple.

And instead of using his own fortune to pay off the crazy slut, Edwards persuaded two wealthy supporters to cough up $1.2 million. The Youngs apparently spent most of it on themselves as compensation, one would assume. Rielle got the rest to maintain her new life of leisure.

And they all claim they thought soliciting sizable donations to pay off blackmail was perfectly legal. On what planet?

The only proper place for Edwards is a jail cell. He couldn’t keep his pants zipped and hurt everybody around him — most of all, a little girl who will grow up to learn that Mom is a home-wrecking gold-digger and Dad is a dirtbag who would have happily denied his daughter’s existence forever if he could have gotten away with it.

And to think he could have been our president.


A “Rielle” Class Act — NOT

March 17, 2010

By Adele

I know I’m being a blog hog, but I can’t let John Edwards’ brain-dead mistress pose half-naked and blather to GQ and not say something catty about it.

To dispel any doubts that she’s a flake, Rielle did a photo shoot sprawling all over a bed wearing nothing but a manly-looking white shirt, pearls, and panties, then called Barbara Walters and wailed she was “repulsed” by the result. What did she expect GQ to do? PhotoShop overalls on her? She sat there with her “See You Next Tuesday” barely covered and thought the photographer was taking head shots.

In the interview, she claimed she didn’t know who Edwards was when they met, like she’d just crawled out from under a rock. They hopped in the sack that same night, and then he decided to persevere with this presidential campaign because Elizabeth had him so pussy-whipped, he was afraid not to.

Johnny Boy, I hope you’re investing your millions wisely, because your witless Twinkie just put the last nail in the coffin of any chance you had of holding any position of authority again.

Rielle is not only stupid, but doesn’t hesitate to bite the hand that fed her. She lived with Edwards’ staffer Andrew Young‘s family to hide her pregnancy in 2007, but is now suing Young for invasion of privacy after she allegedly dismantled and discarded the sex tape she idiotically made of Edwards while he was running for president, and Young reconstructed and watched it.

The woman is without equal in the sh*t for brains department. And with Sarah Palin as competition, that’s quite an accomplishment.

Young thinks John Edwards is financing the litigation because Rielle was a penniless gold-digger until Edwards and his campaign began sparing no expense to support her. And Young has also revealed that while hedging her bets to snag SOME rich guy, she was seeing actor Jeff Goldblum on the side and led him to believe that her baby might be his.

Rielle doesn’t know if she and Johnny will live happily ever after, but claims that he now wants to parent his new daughter, Frances Quinn, full-time.

I guess it’s her way of telling Elizabeth Edwards that she and her 2 young children can go pound sand because Daddy would rather be with a skank.


John Edwards Comes Clean. Now What?

January 22, 2010

By Adele

Two years too late for the innocent toddler who’s had no dad, John Edwards has finally admitted that 2-year-old Frances Quinn Hunter is his love child. Not that anybody cares.

What is surprising is that a guy who fostered such an open, squeaky-clean, boy-next-door persona could turn out to be such a duplicitous douchebag.

Elizabeth Edwards has reportedly come to her senses and split from the rat, now that he’s settled his new family in their own house in Charlotte, N.C., reportedly worth more than $500K.

Rielle Hunter’s shameless scheme to bag a rich, powerful man actually helped the country dodge a bullet. Edwards didn’t hesitate to pile lie upon lie to cover his slimy tracks. He risked wrecking staffer Andrew Young’s marriage by having Young claim he was the baby daddy, he asked Young to get some quack doctor to fake DNA results, and then to steal a dirty diaper so Edwards could do his own secret testing.

If Edwards suspected that Hunter was sleeping around, that makes him a liar with execrable taste in tarts, and you have to wonder if, as president, he’d have routinely resorted to such idiotic, juvenile machinations to deal with the nation’s problems.

And now Edwards is belatedly babbling the truth (maybe), trying to upstage Young’s new book, The Politician, which is probably contains lots of juicy details.

Edwards seems on on track to marry Hunter once Elizabeth is history. It’s bound to be cheaper than forking over nearly $18K a month to the home-wrecker, who apparently thinks her destructive skills should be richly rewarded.


Democrats Have a Dream Team, Now Don’t Blow It

January 16, 2008

By Fred

He may be getting trounced in the primaries, but between catnaps last night, I watched my man, John Edwards, in the Nevada debate. He was the breath of fresh air, injecting reality into a lot of empty rhetoric.

Unfortunately, the media has already declared Edwards the loser. He’s just one step away from being “Kuciniched” out of future debates.

Obama’s a good man, but he strikes me as a kitten fluffing himself up, trying to play tough with the big cats.

Since we have three smart, articulate candidates to choose from, the best outcome would be either a Clinton/Obama or an Edwards/Obama ticket. Then Obama could get some vital OTJ training while being groomed for the presidency in 2016.

I think Edwards can’t run as VP with either Clinton or Obama because 1) He tried it before and failed, 2) Clinton won’t want a loser on her ticket, and 3) If Obama picked him, everyone would call him Obama’s training wheels.

Clinton won’t be anybody’s VP because she’s come too far to play second fiddle now.

We Democats are lucky to have so many excellent choices. If they could just put their egos and bickering aside, two of them in any combination could be a dream team, capable of beating whichever religious zealots or war-loving hawks the Republicans nominate.


John Kerry: The Man With 2 Faces

January 13, 2008

By Fred

John Kerry endorses Barack Obama for president. My only problem with that is that Kerry’s former running mate, my man John Edwards, is still in the race.

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(Getty Images, 1/10/08)

On a Sunday morning talking-head show, I saw Kerry flatly refuse to tell George Stephanopoulos what’s up between him and Edwards, while swooning over Obama like a groupie.

Go ahead, play coy, Kerry. Your actions trump your mouth.

By why? It would have been so easy to just keep quiet for a few more weeks until Edwards rides out the upcoming primaries. Surely, Kerry can’t think voters give a damn about his seal of approval. Humans have the political attention span of gnats. They’re probably asking, “John Who likes Obama?” followed by, “Who cares?”

As Democats, Yul, Adele, and I supported Kerry/Edwards in 2004 and thought they conceded Ohio too soon. In both of George Bush’s “wins” by a whisker, we smelled the pungent aroma of rats. Not that Bush himself cheated (not smart enough), but crooked people worked on his behalf to create hard-to-trace irregularities. He was happy to be their stooge.

Now I’m wondering if we were wrong about Kerry. Some say if the ticket had been flipped in 2004, President Edwards and VP Kerry would be running for reelection this year. Others say he’s steamed because Edwards decided to run again before Kerry had made up his mind about trying. Either way, he comes off pretty small.

Kerry’s spin is that he’s only got the country’s ultimate good at heart, and Obama offers our best hope. Maybe that’s true. But what good is the word of a cat who’ll spray his own running mate right in the face?


Obama Proves Working Like a Cat Works

January 4, 2008

By Yul

I’m trying not to gloat and make Adele feel worse that her pick for president, Hillary Clinton, came in third in the Iowa caucus. But it’s not easy.

Fred’s feeling pretty cocky, too. I don’t think he really expected his candidate, John Edwards, to bring in more votes than Hillary.

Adele’s been under the bed since she heard the outcome.

As cats, we don’t really get the nuances of caucuses, primaries, and elections, and we don’t understand why there have to be so many. But we do understand winning and losing.

Cats win. Rats lose.

You have to admire Obama’s feline grace and skill. He avoids ugly cat fights even when provoked, and he never takes his eyes off his goal. His cat-like demeanor attracts attention and inspires others. Young people showed up in force in Iowa, many voting for the first time, and Obama won 57% of the under-30 vote.

obama-austin.jpg

His triumph proved that people have had it with the old dogs in Washington. They want a change and they’re willing to adopt a political kitten to stir things up.

I can’t speak of the other side because they always told me at the shelter, “If you can’t meow something nice about someone, shut up.” All I’ll say is that it’ll be raining kitty litter before we ever have a president named Huckabee. In some languages, just pronouncing it produces so much phlegm, foreign heads of state would be regularly spitting in his eye.

I just think we’ve already had enough of that.


Cats Choose Their Presidential Candidates

September 27, 2007

By the Cats

Yul’s Pick

Let me be first to go out on a limb and announce my human candidate. My pick will come as no surprise if you know me. It’s Barack Obama. We have a lot in common, beginning with being black males of mixed parentage (I’m said to have a streak of Siamese).

I like the way he’s been working like a cat in Washington, rather than going to the dogs like the rest of them. If Barack would drop by for a quick photo op, I could instantly boost his credibility because no one has ever accused me of not being black enough.

Adele’s Pick

We need an even bigger change than Yul envisions. To keep from losing interest after five seconds, men have to approach everything like it’s a team sport. That’s why they started these endless games: “Us vs. Terrorists,” “Repubs vs. Dems,” “Bush & Cheney vs. Sanity.”

The situation in Washington today is more foul than a litter box that hasn’t been scooped in seven years. That’s why my choice for president is Hillary Clinton. As always, a female needs to take over and clean up the men’s mess.

Fred’s Pick

I like Kucinich because he’s a guy I can look in the eye without standing on a chair, but I’m betting my cat treats on John Edwards. Like me, he’s a true Southern gentleman, and we’ve both gone through rough times. You can’t lose a son and help your wife cope with life-threatening illness without learning something.

Under Edwards’ attractiveness and perfect hair (both feline traits, by the way), you’ll find a sadder but wiser man. We’ve had our tails repeatedly stepped on for seven years, and it’s long past time we started yowling. We need a president who will sincerely care about the well-being of all Americans – not just the fat cats – and that’s Edwards.


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