Boston Rats Meet the Feline Verminator

May 4, 2009

By Yul

When Harvard University began a “Big Dig” for a new science complex, they sent hordes of rats scurrying to the ‘burbs of Allston and Brighton, where they’re terrorizing everybody but a black cat named Klondike.

The "Verminator" with owner Linda Osgood (Photo - Matthew Healey, Boston Herald)

The "Verminator" with owner Linda Osgood (Photo - Matthew Healey, Boston Herald)

Harvard officials deny they caused the sudden infestation because they tried to gas or trap all the rats on their site before construction began. Then they installed 90 rodent-monitoring stations around the perimeter.

Hello?! That explains everything. The smartest rats escaped alive, and the monitoring stations are keeping them away. You’d think the geniuses at Harvard would recognize Darwinism at work.

The hardy survivors are raiding trash cans in their new ‘hood. The food must be good because one resident joked that the rats are “big enough to put saddles on.”

Circumstances have turned 4-year-old Klondike, who lives in Allston, into the Verminator. He bags anywhere from 1-3 rats a day, leaving their lifeless carcasses in people’s yards as a warning to any rats he hasn’t met yet.

Klondike recently brought a wounded rat into his own house for experimentation while his humans were at work to make sure he was operating at peak efficiency. Borrowing a page from Dick Cheney’s playbook, he tried “enhanced interrogation techniques” on it all day, but gleaned no useful intelligence on enemy activities.

The classic feline approach, “Kill now, Ask questions never,” is still far superior.

I urge all Boston cats to follow Klondike’s example and get to work. They say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, so it’s up to us to remind the vermin who always wins when it’s Cat vs. Rat.

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