Florida has Worn Out its Welcome

July 14, 2013

By Cole

Enough’s enough. First, they were too stupid to read a ballot and we ended up with Bush, Cheney, and two pointless wars.

Then they decreed it A-OK to whack inconvenient kids who cramp mom’s social life. They wasted big taxpayer bucks pretending to care about missing Kaylee Anthony while mom Casey lied and lied. And after all that, the jury said, “Screw the kid. Sorry to have bothered you, Casey. Live long and prosper!”

And NOW they’ve given overzealous Barney Fife types like George Zimmerman carte blanche to chase down and kill anybody they ironically deem “off” and call it self-defense.

It’s time to let Florida become the lawless frontier it aspires to be. Let them elect their own village idiot (Zimmerman, perhaps?) to preside over them killing each other into extinction.

The “not guilty” verdict delivered in the George Zimmerman trial was jaw-dropping, but unsurprising. It’s precisely the kind of stupid we’ve come to expect from Florida’s residents.

How on earth, when given this scenario…

  • Man trolls neighborhood with a loaded gun, looking for trouble.
  • Man spots black kid on foot and assumes he’s up to no good,
  • Man recorded by police lumping the boy in with other “f**king punks” who have caused trouble, although he doesn’t know the boy from Adam.
  • Man disobeys police dispatcher’s request not to follow the boy.
  • Man gets out of his truck anyway and somehow comes face-to-face with the boy, who turns out to be taller and stronger.
  • Man shoots boy to death.

…did they decide Zimmerman did absofuckinglutely NOTHING WRONG??!!

And now Zimmerman can go back on the streets — with the very gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. They’re giving it back to him.

Every armed racist must be strutting a little bit taller. Getting away with cold-blooded, unprovoked murder just got a lot easier.

This country has its problems, but letting Florida lower the collective IQ and become the poster state for mayhem shouldn’t be among them.

I say, cut Florida loose. Let it become North America’s sovereign mecca for murderers, child molesters, pornographers — you name it. Let them flourish under the vast protections afforded by Florida’s joke of a judicial system.

Let every George Zimmerman wannabe flock there and prowl Florida’s streets in search of blood to shed. Murder can henceforth be called “keeping the peace.”

And heaven help any innocent souls who don’t have the sense to flee. Sooner or later you’ll do something Barney finds heinous, like buy Skittles, and end up dead like Trayvon — and rotsa ruck finding anybody to give a damn.

Happy hunting, George!


Florida Welcomes Disposable Children

July 6, 2011

By Adele

If you’re a young adult whose wild and crazy unprotected sex resulted in a pesky child to raise — YEARS before you were ready to give up drinking, partying, and sleeping around — Florida wants to help.

Just tell the kid you’re taking him/her to meet Mickey Mouse at DisneyWorld. Pack light. A roll of duct tape fits easily into a carry-on.

As soon as you arrive in Orlando, take the child to McDonald’s for a Happy (Last) Meal and keep the receipt. It will come in handy later if you ever need to show anyone what a devoted parent you are.

Before you check into a hotel, slap a few strips of duct tape over the child’s nose and mouth, then throw him into the trunk of your rental car before too many people see him.

For the duration of your stay, you can enjoy all of Orlando’s attractions and nightlife, unfettered by a cranky brat with poopy diapers whose insistence on eating and sleeping would only cramp your style.

When it’s time to head home, dump the kid in the nearest empty lot. If the car trunk smells funky from a corpse rotting in Florida’s heat, not to worry. The rental company has chemicals to take care of that.

Back home, if anyone in your family happens to notice your child hasn’t been around for a while and raises a “stink,” just accuse them of molesting you and threaten to sing like a canary. That should shut them up.

And never fear being caught or convicted. If a remorseless killer and pathological liar like Casey Anthony can get away with it, rest assured that the same morons who couldn’t read a ballot in 2000 and handed the White House to George W. Bush are still going strong and likely to be on your jury of “peers,” if it ever comes to that.

But, thanks to the Anthony “not guilty” verdict, the Orlando ‘burbs will soon be strewn with the remains of so many unwanted kids, they’ll look like above-ground catacombs. The chances of your departed darling ever being found and linked to you are slim to none.

Now, don’t you feel better?


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