White House Should Listen to Major Biden

April 8, 2021

By Max

You’ll find no dog-lovers here at Cats Working, but since we all share Major Biden’s backstory as shelter animals who made good, we’re unanimous in our opinion that he’s getting a raw deal over two alleged “biting” incidents.

We were shocked after the second one when that two-faced, closeted Trump-lover Joe Scarborough on MSNBC called Major “Cujo” and a “werewolf,” and had the NERVE to suggest that Major be put to sleep and “meet Dog Jesus”!

(At least Mika and Willie Geist took Major’s side.)

Even César Millán, the famous “Dog Whisperer,” called in to defend Major when Fox “News” was trashing him.

Let the record state that neither time did Major break skin or draw blood. Joe Biden himself confirmed that when Major first “nipped” a Secret Service agent. The second time, Major’s nippee was a National Park Service employee who got medically checked out at the White House and immediately returned to work “without injury.”

So, Mr. Scarborough, if you step on toes twice in a crowded elevator but don’t break any, should we take you out back and shoot you so you can meet “Douchebag Jesus”?

Let’s step back and consider this rationally. Major, who’s 3 years old now, went from anonymous shelter mutt to living with a former vice president — who then became president and promoted Major to Second Dog (his bro Champ, who’s 12, is First Dog) in the White House.

That’s a LOT of change for a doggy brain to process…

After the first nip, Major was sent home to Delaware for training, but he was only back at the White House for about a week when he got nippy again.

Major may be trying to tell Joe Biden something about the White House; he may smell lingering Trump cooties on people. German Shepherds tend to be very protective, and Major looks like he knows his job is keeping Biden safe…

Perhaps the best way to resolve this is to line up all the White House staff and the Secret Service like luggage at the airport and let Major do an inspection. Anyone he doesn’t pee on or nip gets Top Canine Clearance. The ones not so lucky need to be put on leave for more thorough background checks because something’s clearly not right with them. Dogs (and cats) know these things.

Or maybe Major senses Trump’s demented hatred of dogs and the White House needs an exorcism.

PS: Tomorrow is my 10th birthday and I’m celebrating with presents for EVERYONE! Roc and Tony are in for surprises. Stay tuned…

BONUS: Speaking of douchebags, Randy Rainbow has struck again with a classic parody from Oklahoma


Your Cat May be Poisonous

April 17, 2008

By Adele

The Hanover Animal Hospital in Mechanicsville, Va., recently did a scary study that made news. They revealed that cats (and dogs) are basically hazardous chemical dumps.

They only tested blood and urine from 35 dogs and 37 cats, but what they found was pretty disturbing. The cats had 23 times the amount of brominated flame retardants (BFRs) in their bodies than humans.

BFRs replaced PCBs in furniture, fabrics, carpets, and plastics used in electronics. Greenpeace has been campaigning to get them banned.

Now I guess we’re taking our 9 lives into our paws when we lounge in our favorite places: on the couch, the carpet, in the laundry, or on top of the TV or computer.

But even more disturbing than that – they found 5 times more mercury in cats. Now our love of fish is working against us.

Researchers think the high mercury is due to the fact that once our owners find a brand or flavor of food we like, they’re afraid to switch it and piss us off. They probably haven’t considered that mercury-laced fish might just taste better.

Overall, they found 46 suspicious chemicals in cats, but only 35 in dogs. I see that result as testament to dogs’ lack of creativity in getting into things they shouldn’t.

They think we pets get more exposure to chemicals, pesticides and other nasties because we’re lower to the ground.

Well, DUH!

Scientists are worried about these findings because they say animals can be harbingers of problems in humans. But I’m waiting to hear what the hell this means for CATS and what they’re going to do about it.


Dog Forced Into Arranged Marriage

November 13, 2007

By Adele

In the U.S., some humans abhor marriages between men or between women. But in India it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to marry a dog he’s just met.

When Selva Kumar was 18, he murdered two dogs while they were mating and strung up their bodies in a tree. Then he had a stroke that left him partially deaf and paralyzed in his left arm and legs. He blamed it on bad karma from the dog incident. Now he’s 33 and apparently tired of getting around on a crutch.

A village astrologer told him he could break his self-inflicted curse by marrying a dog. So Kumar’s family found a 10-year-old female stray they named Selvi, bathed and dressed her in a fetching orange sari, and held a big Hindu temple wedding.

Kumar and Selvi

The happy couple.

Kumar vowed, “I will take care of it till its death.”

Selvi said nothing; she was obviously in shock from being called an “it” by her new husband.

The groom’s family treated the bride like a dog at her own wedding feast. She nibbled a crumby bun while they pigged out. I just hope her bridegroom didn’t completely ruin her day by trying to consummate the nuptials later.

If Kumar’s not back on his feet again soon, according to Indian law, he’ll be free to marry another dog without even divorcing Selvi. I guess in the excitement leading up to the wedding, Selvi didn’t insist on putting her pawprint on an ironclad pre-nup.

I can’t see a cat ever participating in such a farce.

A ritual cleansing bath? Forget it!

Parading around in people clothes? Ditto.

Sitting in a corner waiting for table scraps? More likely up on the table grabbing all the good stuff.

Letting a man think he’s the boss? Don’t make me laugh.

I guess that’s why you don’t see more cats at weddings.


%d bloggers like this: