What Would be Worse Than President Newt?

January 30, 2012

By Adele

First Lady Callista, or “Cally Lou,” as she’s known to family.

You can sling mud all day about Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton (I have). But when it comes to sheer repugnance, NO ONE competes with Callista Gingrich:

  • 6 years as Newt’s mistress before becoming Wife No. 3 after he got around to divorcing Wife No. 2, whom he had married after cheating with her on his first wife, the mother of his 2 daughters.
  • Younger than Newt’s daughter Kathy by 3 years, same age (45) as Newt’s daughter Jackie. I bet Newt’s itching for them to call Callista “Mom.”
  • Beneficiary of Newt’s $500K line of credit at Tiffany’s.

And anyone wonders why Newt lags in polls with female voters?

Callista’s on the campaign trail a lot, although she rarely speaks. Rather than supporting her husband’s ambition, don’t you get the feeling she’s there to make sure Newt doesn’t start stepping out with Wife No. 4?

Desperate Republicans who can’t embrace that morally squeaky-clean Mormon, Romney, now claim serial cheating is A-OK and, “It’s between Newt and God.”

They’re apparently good with rank hypocrisy, too, since Newt was going full-steam after Bill Clinton for Monica while he and Callista were making wet spots on the sheets.

Before Callista met Newt, she reportedly dated a single, age-appropriate guy for a few years, but broke it off when she found another girl in his apartment.

But Callista’s got Newt’s immortal soul covered. She persuaded him to convert to her faith, Catholicism. You can just imagine. “Oh, Newty, Wooty, you’ll love it. It’s GREAT! You can break every Commandment whenever you like. Then you just step into this little phone booth and give the priest the gist — it’s all ANONYMOUS. You say a few prayers, and your soul is good as new!”

Have I been making Callista sound like a dumb blonde? Sorry. As First Lady, she has said her pet cause would be MUSIC EDUCATION. She studied music and plays piano and French horn.

Somehow she missed the part where Republicans want to strip education to its bare bare bones, cut silly electives like art and MUSIC, kill artsy-fartsy Public Television and Broadcasting because nobody needs opera, and eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts and anything else that has the slightest whiff of culture.

And Callista’s greatest contribution to fashion as First Lady would undoubtedly involve a renaissance for peroxide and the helmet-head hairdo. (Sorry, honey, Barbara Bush beat you to the pearls.)

Politics hasn’t seen such a golddigging bimbo since a cute little blonde named Eva sank her claws into Juan Peron.

Is this REALLY who you want standing behind the leader of the free world?

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