Sarah Palin™

By Adele

Just when you think Sarah Palin can’t get any more ridiculous…. Her latest harebrained scheme is to trademark herself.

Yes, Palin thinks she deserves to be a household name, like Sara Lee, Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima, or Mrs. Potato Head.

In her application to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, Palin cited the reasons for the trademark as her website and educational and entertainment services, including motivational speaking in politics, culture, business, and values. OK, I’ll buy entertainment, but education? The only “knowledge” she has about the 4 topics she listed is stuff she makes up.

The Trademark Office has given her until May 29 to come up with better reasons.

You know where this is going, don’tcha? If Palin gets her trademark, she’ll use it as a weapon, claiming trademark infringement whenever a media outlet makes money by airing or printing uncomplimentary items about her.

She could tie the courts in knots for years.

On the other hand, this trademark move lays bare Palin’s plan to put profit above the presidency. When’s the last time this country elected a President™?

But now that she’s going commercial, nobody should feel bad about tuning her out like any other Mad Ave. gimmickry.

Bristol is also trying to trademark her name for motivational speaking, as if, “Keep your legs together until you’re legal,” is her own original concept.

I’m kind of surprised Bristol hasn’t applied to Lloyd’s of London to insure her dancing feet.

Note to Palin admirers: It’s become all about the money, and she intends to make her profit off YOU.

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Palin’s Pawns Get a Reality Check

By Adele

When Bristol Palin seemed deeply disappointed she didn’t win Dancing with the Stars, she revealed an appalling sense of entitlement. Just because she managed overcome utter ineptness after 3 months of intense dance training, she seemed to think the other far superior dancers deserved to get the shaft.

Palin fans undoubtedly cheered when Bristol said that winning would “feel like a big middle finger to all the people out there who hate my mom and hate me.”

In other words, her dancing was irrelevant. She was out to prove that most people love Palins.

Mom wasn’t there for the finals to share Bristol’s chagrin and comfort her. Sarah left that duty to whomever she’d paid to be there because she had a book to launch. From early reports, America by Heart sounds like a rambling, pointless, snipe-fest, a big “middle finger” to anyone she holds a grudge against.

Spite is now the name of the game.

“Sorry, honey. Wish I could see you dance one last time, but I’ve got scores to settle.”

I’d also bet my treats that Sarah’s absence was calculated. She couldn’t afford to be there if Bristol didn’t win. Who would vote for the mother of a loser for president?

Fortunately for DWTS, the results, such as they were, turned out exactly as they should have. Jennifer Grey’s superior technique and string of perfect routines deserved to win, and Kyle Massey’s showmanship deserved runner-up.

I’ve gone on record saying Bristol is the smart Palin, but she has set me straight. All I want now is to see her return to her brainless receptionist job, raise her son, and stop being her mother’s tool.

Everyone who voted for anybody but Bristol showed Sarah, her Mama Grizzlies, the Tea Party, and other neocon nut jobs that fair and reasonable people can still say “Hell, NO!” to rewarding blind ambition and stupidity.

Now, let’s try to channel that momentum from reality stars to elected officials.

DWTS is a Tea Party Tool

By Adele

Sarah Palin sits there gloating in the audience, tacitly reminding her Mama Grizzlies to prove she’s got clout by calling in and shredding what’s left of Dancing with the Stars’ credibility.

There’s NO WAY IN HELL Bristol Palin should be one of the top 3 dancers in the finals next week. For 7 WEEKS OUT OF 9, she has been at or near the bottom of judges’ scores, including this week. Yet Brandy, who has danced better than Bristol since Week 1, got the boot, narrowing it down to Bristol, Jennifer Grey, and Kyle Massey.

Granted, dancing has made Bristol more outgoing, but her routines are still beginner stuff, and she has remained chubby. Either rumors she’s pregnant again are true, or she’s not working at it very hard. Many past contenders have lost weight and gotten into shape, and it shows. Not so with Bristol.

Bristol rationalizes that her popularity is due to ordinary people identifying with her. Sorry, kid. Mom and her Grizzlies are trying to buy you a trophy you simply don’t deserve, and they’re shafting much better dancers to do it. You guys are fooling nobody.

DWTS has always been a toss-up dance/popularity contest. But after this flaming fiasco, future contestants might as well skip the aches and blisters. Dancing well has nothing to do with the outcome.

Bristol’s partner, Mark Ballas, undoubtedly knows they don’t belong in the finals. In Bristol’s paso doble “solo” bit, he just had her stalk the floor like a giant bat. Even on a good night, Bristol’s footwork is sloppy, if she remembers it.

The judges have probably been ordered to ignore all her shortcomings, because instead they gush about how much Bristol has “blossomed.”

The Tea Party has an undeniable death grip on this season. They’d vote for Bristol if she fell on her face and crawled. Palin proudly told People magazine she’s been paying for people from Alaska to fill the audience and cheer for Bristol.

ABC can bask in their high ratings now, but selling out to Palin this season may spell the beginning of the end of DWTS.

Something’s Rotten on “Dancing with the Stars”

By Adele

It’s hard to believe that anyone thinks Bristol Palin is a better dancer than the last few who have been voted off DWTS.

I have a couple of theories: 1) Sarah Palin’s Mama Grizzlies are doing her evil bidding and voting in force, or 2) The producers are rigging the show to milk the Palin connection.

I’m not the only one who thinks they’ve struck some back-room deal with Sarah on Bristol’s behalf.

Sarah’s smirking mug has been noticeably absent from the audience, now that the remaining contestants can pretty much dance circles around Bristol, yet they keep getting the hook while Bristol remains safe.

Sarah even let it “slip” in Houston the other day that they asked her husband Todd to be on the show, but left unsaid whether he was their first choice. She couldn’t resist getting in that little dig at Bristol, probably as payback for giving Levi a second chance, even as she angles to help Bristol win in case the truth ever comes out. God forbid she should be exposed as a bad mother.

I basically like Bristol, but in 6 weeks, she hasn’t advanced beyond basic steps in any dance. Last night’s tango was her best, but only because the judges kindly overlooked how mushy it was. Tango is supposed to be crisp, staccato. Bristol did get her head right (better than Florence Henderson, in fact) but Mark led her like they were waltzing. See for yourself:

Meanwhile, Audrina and Jennifer, who have worked like dogs from Day One and are far better dancers than Bristol, landed on the bottom, and Audrina got booted.

We didn’t see the whole show. Karen turned off the TV, saying, “A night of rock’ means everybody dances to bad music.” And the results drove another nail into its coffin.

Bristol & Levi Wedding Off — Again

By Adele

Can’t seem to shake my fascination with that redneck Alaskan douchebag, Levi Johnston. Let’s hope Bristol Palin has let him play her for a fool for the last time, but now he’s free to write the memoir promising to fling more dirt on her family — and he’ll probably add a chapter to have the last word on her.

As soon as their spread in US magazine announcing their re-engagement had safely hit the newsstands, Levi casually mentioned to Bristol that he might have fathered a child with a former girlfriend.

The girlfriend denied it, but I can understand Bristol being upset to learn that Levi STILL has unprotected sex and Tripp may yet have half-siblings.

If that weren’t bad enough, Bristol found out Levi lied about the reason for a trip he took to Hollywood. After semi-apologizing for trash-talking the Palin family, he turned right around and shot a music video mocking Bristol and Sarah.

So Bristol broke off the engagement, and let’s hope she means it this time. Tripp does not need Levi Johnston as a role model.

Bristol is said to be heartbroken, but she should be thrilled she dodged the bullet of becoming legally bound to that loser.

Levi is not in mourning. He’s busy trying to sell himself for a TV reality series.

Hey, he milked Bristol for a few magazine covers and maybe some make-up sex, spent a few minutes with the kid. It was all good, and now he’s moving on. No regrets.

I hope Bristol communicates with Levi in the future only through her lawyer. She can’t be trusted in the same room with him.

Now that Levi has dashed any hope of joining the Palin family, and Sarah is treating the mid-term elections like her personal puppet show, it will be interesting to see if Levi soon ratchets up his attacks to grab some of her limelight.

Did Levi Lie About Palin Then — Or Now?

By Adele

Hmm… Sarah Palin seems on the fast track to becoming a bigger redneck celebrity than Minnie Pearl, so Levi Johnston has decided Bristol Palin, the teen mother his son, may not be so bad after all. He’s sort-of recanting all the nasty stuff he has said about his almost-mother-in-law, although not going so far as to praise her.

It’s too bad Levi didn’t see this Forbes piece before he hopped back on to what he undoubtedly thinks is the Palin gravy train. Apparently, Sarah’s doing well, but not quite pulling in the bucks everyone thinks she is, and her star may even be on the wane. (We should be so lucky!)

But back to my initial question. As recently as late April, Levi was still bad-mouthing Sarah to New York Magazine, quoted as saying, “I know everything there is to know about her… She’s so fake. But she’s so good at it, too. She’s amazing at it. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t know the difference. She’s gifted. She could do movies because she’s so gifted.”

But now he’s doing a 180. So when was he lying? Then or now?

I’m thinking it’s now. Everything he said about her before has meshed too well with the money-grubbing fame-hog Palin has shown herself to be.

Levi also told NY Mag he’s working on a memoir that would tell the truth about the Palins, but I guess that won’t be happening. Or at least it won’t be the truth.

In May, Levi was planning to file for joint custody of Tripp. Here’s what I think went down: The Palins offered Levi a deal. If he’d agree to lay off St. Sarah, he’d be allowed to see his son and have sleepovers with Bristol. So he caved.

Sarah couldn’t win the race for the White House, but she’s no match when her opponent is a dumb kid.

Kid Keeps Getting Sarah Palin’s Goat

By Adele

Still think Sarah Palin looks presidential, bickering endlessly with her teenage daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston? Me, either.

Palin’s relentless idiocy is finally paying off. CNN’s latest poll revealed only 29% now think she’s qualified to be president.

Levi’s revelations have the unmistakable ring of truth. But you can’t really blame Palin. Levi knew her as a rural housewife working in the relatively rinky-dink Alaskan political machine who killed large animals for fun. When she called Trig her “retarded baby,” she had no idea John McCain would become her fairy godfather, clean her up, and send her to the ball.

It was Palin who took her sweet time seeking help after her water broke with Trig, flying from Texas to Alaska. Calling him retarded after she tried to kill him seems mild.

And let’s back up on her complaints about Levi’s current notoriety. Palin’s whining that he’s just “selling his body for attention,” apparently referring to his upcoming Playgirl spread.

Sarah, who put him out there in the first place? Would anybody know Levi if you hadn’t trotted out him and pregnant Bristol during your failed VP campaign? You built this Frankenstein yourself, girl.

Levi has proudly proclaimed himself a “f**king redneck.” He had few prospects in Alaska, so he’s unapologetically seizing opportunities that come along now — exactly as Palin is doing.

Levi says he’s withholding truly damaging information on Palin, but I’m guessing if she keeps sniping, or tries to trash him in her upcoming book, Going Rogue, he’ll unload on her with both barrels. Her presidential dreams will be as dead as that bear pelt on her sofa.