Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

January 14, 2013

By Cole

Everyone in the gun control debate seems to agree that crazy people shouldn’t have guns. But Senator John McCain thinks assault weapons shouldn’t be banned.

I think McCain’s opinion is symptomatic of mental illness. Anyone who believes private citizens should have the means to commit mass murder in a minute is a sick bastard.

Similarly, hunters who think they should, need to, or just enjoy shooting innocent animals for sport have mental issues (and probably really small penises).

Also of questionable sanity are those who think they need arsenals in their homes from which crazy people can steal (see Nancy Lanza, the gun nut who facilitated the Newtowne massacre and found herself dead, thanks to one of her own guns).

This may surprise you, but I’m OK with private citizens owning one small gun that fires one bullet at a time — that’s all they need to stop an intruder. BUT, they should have a license, a thorough background check showing no history of violence or crime, AND they should complete periodic, mandatory gun training to earn and renew their license.

Some guns are called “assault weapons” because victims have no chance against them. By the same token, SUVs are “assault vehicles” and instruments of death.

The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license.

Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.

But SUVs are as impractical for citizens as home arsenals. They hog EVERYTHING — the materials they’re made of, gas, roads, parking spaces. They’re an utter waste.

But you see SUVs everywhere because enough nuts initially bought them to make sane people feel compelled to do likewise — IN SELF-DEFENSE.

Gun sales spike after each massacre in a self-defensive response. (Nuts jobs use massacres as excuses to bulk up their arsenals.)

The only way we’re ever going to stem this country’s rising tide of mayhem is to forcibly insist on civility for all.

People need to scream for bans on assault weapons and ownership of multiple weapons. Limiting the type and number of firearms people can have violates NOTHING in the Second Amendment.

The government can take another baby step back from the fiscal cliff by taxing the hell out of bullets to make them prohibitively expensive. It can also tax the hell out of SUV sales to make regular cars all most people can afford.

Want the answer to my riddle? A gun is like an SUV because NOBODY, besides active military in a war zone, needs to have either one.


Response to Newtown Incomprehensible — Yet Predictable

December 17, 2012

By Cole

Twenty little kids and 6 adults get mowed down by a deranged punk, giving 26 families the gift of burying their bullet-riddled loved ones at Christmas, and it only takes 2 days for Republicans to say the way to end the senseless butchery is…

MORE GUNS.

Former Education Secretary Bill Bennett thinks schools should be armed.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) “wished to God” that the principal had an M-4 assault rifle so she could have taken Adam Lanza’s “head off” before he killed her.

I bet the NRA is raining bribes on its Congressional lackeys to advocate target practice for kindergarteners so they can learn to defend themselves (and grow up to be gun-owners).

The irony is lost on them that Adam’s mother, Nancy, collected guns and taught her son to shoot so he could pump Mom’s head full of lead with her own weapon before he traipsed off with more of her guns to commit a massacre.

Yes, it certainly makes sense to put more guns in homes. NOT.

The FBI reports gun sales at an all-time high, yet gun ownership is in decline, which means Nancy Lanza types are on the rise.

President Obama seems sufficiently shaken up by this latest atrocity to confront this problem head-on.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) intends to introduce legislation to reinstate the assault weapons ban.

Even the NRA’s darling Democratic senator, Joe Manchin (D-WVa), is willing to consider banning assault weapons.

It’s a start, but the country needs a seismic culture shift. In addition to choking off the free flow of weapons to anybody who wants one…

The media can stop glorifying murderous scum with 24/7 coverage of their carnage.

We need to recognize that young adults are oblivious to violence. They see it on TV (real and scripted) and in movies. They practice mass murder in video games. Horrors of greater magnitude than Newtown happen daily around the world — and American kids have no clue. Just like Mom and Dad.

ALL adults need to regain their sense of outrage at violence — for sport or otherwise — and start doing something about it.

They need to gather up and destroy as many weapons as they can. They need to lock up the bullets — or tax the hell out of them so to shoot anything means missing a mortgage or car payment.

People need to put down the smartphones and stop ignoring or shrugging off the potential killers and their copycats. The signs are almost always there. These nuts need to be taken out of circulation.

Every time we have a Columbine, a Virginia Tech, an Aurora, a Newtown, and people do nothing but light candles, cry, and pray (and re-elect politicians who’d rather have regular massacres than give up their right to carry double-barreled penis extensions), Americans show the world what a bunch of craven, ignorant barbarians we are.

Without drastic gun control NOW, Washington may as well can the debate over the fiscal cliff and the future of this country. It won’t have one.


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