Why We Can’t Fix Iraq

June 25, 2014

By Cole

ISIS is having a blast rampaging through Iraq, seizing buildings and oil fields, and showing everybody what badass al-Qaeda rejects they are.

But what will they do with Iraq once they’ve got it? When they realize how tedious running a country is, will they decide to stick with their strength and go off to conquer the next weakest link?

The Iraqi government would love for the U.S. to swoop in and kick ISIS’ butt so Iraq’s so-called leaders can keep their own skirts clean and their money in the bank. And why not? We’ve been willing before to pour limitless blood and money down that rat hole.

But this is the same government that wanted us completely OUT in 2011 and forced Bush to agree, leaving that clean-up job for Obama so Dick Cheney can now blame Obama for doing it.

Sadly, it’s the innocent Iraqi people who pay for our stupidity. Saddam Hussein understood Iraq better than that useless turd we left in the punchbowl, Nouri al-Maliki. We have only ourselves to blame for giving ISIS a reason to exist.

We abhor Koran-misquoting nuts who grasp at any flimsy reason to start “holy” wars, yet we tolerate our own Bible-misquoting nuts who can walk down almost any American street armed to the teeth, blow away innocent people on deluded pretenses, and then walk free to do it again.

“Gun rights” is our euphemism for terrorism in the U.S., and it’s legal. We’ll even defend people’s right to commit it on a mass scale. So what right have we to claim moral superiority over ISIS or any other terrorists?

Hell, we give national face time to blood-thirsty lunatics like Cheney, who scream the loudest for war every time people in the Middle East start killing each other over silly stuff, just like we do here, as if THEY’RE the only ones with a problem.

So, as a token, 300 of our soldiers are being sent back into harm’s way to play Dear Abby in combat boots, dispensing priceless “advice” to the American-trained Iraqi army, like…

“Keep your clothes on. No war was ever won by soldiers running away in their skivvies.”

“When ISIS attacks, instead of giving them your gun, aim it at them and pull the trigger.”

I say, Iran is much better situated and equipped to sort out the Iraq mess. We should leave it alone. America needs to gets its own house in order before it can preach peace to the Middle East. Our hypocrisy just makes things worse.

Massive Terrorist Plot or Face-Saving Device?

August 6, 2013

By Cole

How fortuitous that mere days after Putin flips us the bird by granting asylum to Edward Snowden, our crackerjack domestic spies can announce their over-the-top surveillance techniques work because they’ve uncovered the extremely high likelihood that al-Qaida is hatching a massive plot in the final stages.

They caught two top dogs (we have to take their word on rank, since they’ve killed the No. 1 and No. 2 al-Qaida operatives, oh, about 187 times) chatting by phone. One of them said it’s time to step up the plan against U.S. targets.

Those guys were spilling their guts like a pair of teenage girls because they never pass coded or encrypted messages, and had no idea anybody might be listening.

But our trusty spies can’t tell us where, when, or what the plan is. White House spokesman Jay Carney said

“What we know is that the threat emanates from, and may be focused on, occurring in the Arabian Peninsula. It could potentially be beyond that, or elsewhere. We cannot be more specific.”

Yikes! There could be a bomb in my litterbox! Or under your sofa!

So now we’re going into more debt to stage this international extravaganza of stepping up security by closing or evacuating embassies and posting more guards at home around New York City, in airports, and at big events.

But the average American citizen has been given no clue as to how to keep out of harm’s way.

Just trust Big Bro, little people. He will protect you.

And they must figure if they throw a few sensational nuggets of nothing to the media, rampant speculation will ensue (and it has), and many inattentive people will be fooled into thinking they’re hearing actual news updates. Works like a charm every time.

But here’s the real beauty of this whole thing: When nothing happens, the U.S. will declare triumph over terror. That buys instant justification for any more crazy spying the NSA wants to do.

Meanwhile, from the comfort of their fetid caves (or wherever those people hang out), al-Qaida biggies will be watching CNN on their iPads and going, “WTF? WHAT plot?”

The timing is all just too pat. The Obama administration has cribbed from Dick Cheney’s playbook. “Keep the pants scared off of everybody and there’s no limit to what we can get away with. Hell, they’ll even THANK us for keeping them safe.”

Just color me highly skeptical. Me and the New York Times.

Undy Bomber Just “Alleged”? It’s an Outrage!

January 9, 2010

By Yul

We’ve seen the Tighty-Whitey Bomber’s toasted underwear. His potential victims on Northwest flight 253 have told what they witnessed. Yet Umar Abdulmutallab has become an “alleged” suicide bomber. Why?

Do they think he was packing powder for jock itch? Did that brave Dutch passenger burn his hand extinguishing an imaginary fire in Umar’s crotch?

With Obama’s help, it’s getting more surreal by the minute. Umar appeared in court — with free legal counsel — to plead “not guilty” to six counts that include attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction, attempted murder (nearly 300 times), and willful attempt to destroy or wreck an aircraft.

Worst case, if Umar’s jury isn’t as stupid as the suits running the CIA, TSA, and Homeland Security and he’s accidentally convicted, he’ll be fed, clothed, and housed by American taxpayers for life.

In the meantime, everyone should presume Umar did NOTHING wrong. Bought a one-way ticket with cash, packed no luggage, just planning to see the sights when his underwear spontaneously combusted and he was rudely manhandled by fellow passengers.

Our justice system seems hell-bent on turning this incident into a big comedy of errors. After all, the only serious damage was probably to Umar’s ‘nads. Wasn’t that punishment enough?

Obama says the buck stops with him, so why didn’t he bitch-slap Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano for declaring “the system worked?”

Yeah, if your “system” depends on innocent bystanders because our vast security bureaucracy is too busy feeling up Grandma and ignoring warnings from terrorists’ FATHERS.

Bush and Cheney wanted to kill everybody and hoped they got a few of the bad guys. Obama has swung the pendulum completely the other way.

There’s talk about a plea deal with Umar in hopes he’ll provide information. Why? So they can ignore or bury it until some intrepid journalist uncovers it after the next attack — which may succeed?

Why not just give Umar a talk show and make him a celebrity? I hear Leno’s time slot is opening up. Maybe he’ll book some of his al Qaeda buddies.

What disturbs me most is that Obama sees nothing wrong with bestowing on those who attempt to kill Americans a permanent, worry-free, all-inclusive vacation here.

It’s an open invitation to every other inept terrorist to try it, just for the perks.

Move Over Lawrence, it’s Laura of Afghanistan

June 10, 2008

By Adele

Laura Bush must think there’s blockbuster potential in braving the wilds of Afghanistan in nothing but a pantsuit and pearls. Over the weekend, she made her third unannounced visit.

“Oh, no. Not again!” you can almost hear President Hamid Karzai wailing.

To keep al Qaeda and the Taliban off-guard, the crafty White House claimed Laura was some lowlier official. That way, it wasn’t too embarrassing that lots of taxpayer money was wasted protecting her when nobody even considered her worth a bomb or a bullet.

When she went to Bamiyan Province about 100 miles west of Kabul, they put her in a flak jacket and flew her in a nondescript Chinook chopper that dutifully bobbed and weaved over “suspicious” areas while machine-gun-toting soldiers lobbed flares out the doors to deflect nonexistent heat-seeking missiles.

That macho show must have thrilled Mrs. Bush, but it was lost on insurgents who were too busy negating her claims that the country’s making fine progress. They killed 3 British soldiers and 11 policemen, and made a kidnapped journalist turn up dead.

But nothing could wipe that glazed look or pasted-on smile from the First Lady’s face, a familiar expression that appeared in virtually every photo taken of her – with our troops, Afghan women, and children.

Speaking of children, she handed out tote bags in an orphanage to kids who’d probably be glad to trade “stuff” for living parents.

Still incognito, Laura flew out in a cargo plane specially fitted with a 60-foot RV for her comfort.

They never heard of seat cushions?

She and George met in Slovenia for a European Union summit, then they’re heading to Germany, Italy, the Vatican, France, England, and Northern Ireland on one last all-expenses-paid summer spree to visit leaders who are most likely counting the minutes until the Bushes leave the White House.

%d bloggers like this: