I love when Donald Trump goes abroad because he becomes somebody else’s problem. When he crosses many time zones, we don’t wake up dreading to see on Twitter the fruits of his potty sessions.
I think Trump’s first (and probably last) jaunt through Asia will wreak such havoc on his mind and body, no one will ever mistake him for a world leader again.
Tonight, Trump sleeps in Hawaii, which is 6 hours behind Washington. If his usual bedtime is midnight, it will be 6 p.m. there. He could use the extra time to meet those investigators he hired there who supposedly uncovered bombshells about Obama’s real birthplace.
When Trump leaves Hawaii for Japan, his watch hops ahead 19 hours.
In Tokyo on Sunday, local time will be 13 hours ahead of DC. So, if it’s noon at the White House, it’s 1 a.m. the next day for Trump. He may start showing cracks then.
Tuesday, he flies to Seoul, enjoying the same time zone as Tokyo. Then on Wednesday in Beijing, Trump gains an hour. So, 6 p.m. in China is 6 a.m. that day in DC.
Next he’s off to Vietnam, gaining another hour in Da Nang and Hanoi on Friday.
Sunday, he flies to Manila and loses the hour he gained in Vietnam as he meets his soulmate, the Filipino despot Rodrigo Duterte. Trump should be a babbling idiot by then, so it promises to be an interesting conversation.
Heading for home on Monday, Nov. 13, when it feels like noon for Trump, it will be midnight of the previous night back in DC.
If you don’t think all this time-hopping isn’t going to drive our Man-Baby-in-Chief bat-shit, you don’t know Trump.
Holding Trump’s leash the entire time will be his nannies Rex Tillerson, H.R. McMaster, and John Kelly. Ivanka isn’t going, and CNN reports that Melania and Jared Kushner are only scheduled for a portion of the trip.
If the time changes weren’t bad enough, Trump must also navigate Asian cuisine. His caretakers hope to keep him on shoe-leather steaks slathered in ketchup with two scoops of ice cream on the side (hold the chopsticks).
But banquets are planned. China’s president, Xi Jinping, wants to “treat Trump almost like an emperor,” according to CNN. Xi knows the more gold-plated and vulgar he can make Trump’s reception, the warmer their relations will be.
Vietnam also plans a big welcome for Trump and hopes he will explain why he shits on them every chance he gets.
It seems highly unlikely Trump can refuse every Chinese, Japanese, Korean, or Vietnamese dish he’s served without offending someone. On the bright side, more toilet time to catch up on tweeting.
Trump was a gauche boor in Europe earlier this year, where the cultures aren’t such a stretch. In Asia, his potential to be a world-class ass is infinite.
Meanwhile, will Kim Jong Un in North Korea feel like the snubbed kid in the ‘hood and start lobbing missiles in Trump’s direction, just for attention?
Will Trump throw a hissy about “Little Rocket Man” and get Seoul vaporized?
Trump thinks the Mueller investigation is bad, but he’s now got 12 days to tip-toe through a minefield of diplomatic issues he doesn’t understand, while his already-addled brain gets raped by jet lag. And his handlers can’t control Trump’s most deadly weapon — his mouth.
This trip may actually beat Robert Mueller in causing the big orange couch potato’s inevitable and total meltdown.