I’ve Just Been Hacked

By Karen

Hackers were assaulting my checking account from Sunday, August 28, to Friday, September 2, and it’s taken me this long to recover. I’ll tell you what happened as a cautionary tale.

Two Sundays ago, my bank emailed me a Security Alert. In part, it read [verbatim]:

On 8/28/2022 12:46 AM, there was the forgot password process was attempted for your login ID… If you suspect fraudulent activity, please contact us… Please do not reply to this message.

The bad grammar and absence of contact info looked like spam. I knew my little community bank doesn’t do weekends, so I was helpless until Monday.

But that afternoon at 4:50 p.m., a quick succession of more Security Alerts arrived about: 1) forgot password, 2) change to secure access code contact information, 3) added a Tempia Otey (??!!) to account, 4) a process was started to add an external contact.

At 5 p.m., my landline rang. Caller ID showed my bank and its local number, so I answered. Mistake ONE.

It was “Jacob” from the “Fraud Department,” following up since they hadn’t heard from me (how?).

Jacob was a criminal newbie with Swiss-cheese story he kept having to “check with his supervisor,” which kept dropping the call. Once, he called back from 843-474-1626 in Beaufort, SC, stammering that that line was “more secure” than the bank’s. (If this doxes you, Jacob, tough. The bank and the FCC have this number now, too.)

MAJOR POINT: You know two-factor authentication, where they phone or text a code number to you so you can access a website or account? To “verify” me, Jacob somehow sent one of those to my landline, and it actually came from my bank. I’m still kicking myself for telling him what it was, but I hadn’t yet realized he was a hacker. Mistake TWO.

Jacob’s real mission was to “verify” (i.e., steal) my debit card information.

When I refused to tell all (I did give some, like a dummy) Mistake THREE, Jacob transferred me to his “supervisor” Jessica. She’d only say, “We need your debit card number,” so I hung up on her.

The next day, Monday at 7 a.m., this Security Alert arrived…

On 8/29/2022 6:54 AM there was your security alert preferences were changed.

I called the bank as soon as it opened and we found the bogus Tempia Otey online withdrawal and another one. They totaled $500 and luckily had been blocked by Zelle, a third-party money transfer thing my bank has. So, I changed my password and drove to the bank to close my debit card.

At 3 p.m. Monday afternoon, the hacker phoned again, spoofing the bank on Caller ID, calling himself “Jonathan.” I answered because the bank had promised to call back about the Zelle situation. Once again, not knowing it wasn’t the bank, he sent an authentication code to my cellphone this time (so he had both my phone numbers), and I told him the code. Mistake FOUR.

I think this call sealed my fate.

As soon as I realized it was Jacob again, I hung up. A few minutes later the Security Alert emails started rolling in…

On 8/29/2022 3:11 PM, there was an invalid password for your login ID was submitted.

…forgot password process was attempted…

…security alert preferences were changed…

Since Zelle had blocked suspicious activity, bank customer service was on the case, and I’d notified my branch there was a problem in person, I thought they all had my back and we were done. Mistake FIVE.

Beginning Tuesday, the hackers siphoned daily increasingly large amounts from my checking account into another account they’d opened in my name somewhere until I was out $14,000, which I’d set aside for some major bills.

I discovered these thefts Friday, September 2, after I was locked out of my online account trying to get my monthly checking statement.

Hair ablaze, I dashed back to the bank to close the checking account and file a fraud report. (When they printed my statement, the daily theft withdrawals were screamingly obvious.)

The bank said it might take “months” to research and recover my “disputed” $14K. And they said it was now in MasterCard’s hands. WTF? Who ever said anything about MasterCard? The debit card was closed BEFORE the withdrawals started.

This crime began within days of the bank launching a new app. I think the app has security issues a cruise ship could sail through. The bank employee who helped me had been getting the same Security Alerts on HER account and blowing them off. And she said other customers had been making similar reports (presumably also being blown off).

With a new checking account, all my online bill-paying information, automatic drafts, the direct deposit arrangements with clients got obliterated. I’ve spent most of this week piecing my finances back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

BUT THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING: Instead of months, the disputed $14K was restored to me within 24 hours — but it was deposited in the now-closed account. ANOTHER trip to the bank got the funds over to the new account. I’m a familiar (if masked) face at the bank now.

LESSONS LEARNED: I can’t trust my bank. Their “security” is nothing but useless ungrammatical emails. They’re unable to detect a multi-day theft in progress. And if I hadn’t been proactive, my $14K would STILL be sitting in a closed account.

I’ll take your questions now.

FINALLY! Garland Gouges Trump’s Teflon

By Karen

They say payback is hell, and Trump’s finally tasting what the January 6 Capitol ransacking felt like to the rest of us – just without the broken windows and feces on the walls.

Yesterday morning, FBI agents executed a search warrant for hours in Trump’s personal residence at Mar-a-Lago while Trump’s security detail twiddled and watched. The resort itself was closed for the summer, so no golfers were harmed in the raid.

“They even broke into my safe!” Trump whined from the safety of New York, where he’s apparently holing up in Trump Tower for his deposition for AG Letitia James’ civil investigation into his shady business.

(Ivanka and Junior have already given their depositions after a temporary postponement to ditch their mother Ivana’s corpse on Trump’s Bedminster golf course so Trump could get a cemetery exclusion and evade property, sales and income taxes.)

The FBI doesn’t convince judges to allow search-and-seizures without a firm belief they’ll find crime. It’s public knowledge that Trump stole documents on his way out, some so top-secret that the National Archives, which had already repoed 15 boxes from him, couldn’t even describe them.

This happened just as Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort admits he was not helping Trump, but fostering his own future business deals with Russians when he gave sensitive campaign data to his buddy Konstantin Kilimnik.

Hmm… Selling secrets to Russians. And Trump happened to steal some from the White House. Connect the dots?

Remember when Trump was kvetching about how toilets take 10-15 flushes? He wasn’t lying but engaging in his second favorite fact-bending, projection. New photos just surfaced of paper with Trump’s 2^nd grade Sharpie printing in various toilet bowls. Here’s one…

Naturally, Republicans are furious over the FBI’s outrageous invasion of a former president’s privacy. But over Hillary’s emails, they spent five years screaming “LOCK HER UP,” and would have been dancing jigs had the FBI raided a former First Lady/U.S. Senator/Secretary of State.

With two grand juries and now this residential raid, it seems like Merrick Garland is finally taking a sharp nail to Donny’s Teflon, and it’s not a moment too soon.

May the unfamiliar sense of impending doom cause Trump to stress-eat more junk food, sleep even less and lose the remaining fragments of his mind — preferably in public.

Then when he announces he’s running for president — it will be soon, because he fantasizes it makes him untouchable — the laughter of the 81 million who voted him out in 2020 (and new converts who have finally had enough of his shit) will ring in his ears like a bad case of tinnitus.

Speaking of Trump’s addled mind, his faithful dead ferret apparently leaped from his head and into Ivana’s golden casket with her. Trump appeared at a rally in Wisconsin last week in what looked like a poorly matched, Hitler-style toupee from the George Will collection…

Nancy Pelosi’s Democracy Hypocrisy

By Karen

So, this week, Nancy Pelosi deliberately provoked China by traveling to Taiwan — to do what, exactly? Collect an award for showing up? Check out the nifty sash.

In her acceptance speech, Pelosi actually said this with a straight face…

“Today the world faces a choice between democracy and autocracy. America’s determination to preserve democracy here in Taiwan and around the world remains ironclad, and we are grateful to the partnership of the people of Taiwan in this mission.”

Notice that the United States isn’t included in that statement. Perhaps because “the world” knows U.S. promises about democracy are ludicrous while we turn a blind eye to this decrepit man-baby in a diaper openly plotting his next coup.

If Pelosi had kept it real, here’s how she might have described America’s “ironclad” commitment to preserving democracy…

“We in the United States look upon Taiwan’s struggle to remain free with great envy. Those who seek to oppress you are in China, about 1,300 miles away.

“The aspiring dictator seeking power over us is our former president, Donald J. Trump. He lives in freedom, with Secret Service protection, at his resort in Bedminster, New Jersey. He holds rallies regularly all over the country to undermine democracy and foment insurrection.

“We give Mr. Trump every protection under our First Amendment to the Constitution, which guarantees freedom of speech — even if the speech is all lies.

“In addition, our current president, Joseph R. Biden, allows many, many employees hired by Mr. Trump to remain in highly sensitive positions throughout our government. Their continued obedience to Mr. Trump poses a grave, ongoing threat to our national security, but what are you going to do?

“Each day, I try to be a role model by working cordially with my Republican colleagues in Congress, whom we know helped Mr. Trump’s attempt to remain in power forever. These people would have danced around the Capitol with glee on January 6 if the mob that invaded and ransacked the building for Mr. Trump had murdered me and other Democrats in cold blood.

“I will defend until my last breath their ability to serve in Congress while openly committing treason — because I know they would do the same for me if circumstances were reversed.

“America’s democracy hangs by a thread. Rest assured that my colleagues will never stop gathering mountains and mountains of proof of sedition and treason. Yet we will bring no charges and arrest no one who ever served in our government because their payback would be hell.

“My faith inspires me in the knowledge that God will protect America as it descends in willful blindness into the valley of the shadow of death, lifting barely a finger in time to save our democracy from oblivion.

“But, don’t worry. We’ll help you save yours.”

Let’s Pretend Trump Did Go to the Capitol

By Karen

We’ve heard that Trump wasn’t allowed to accompany his armed mob to the Capitol on January 6. But what if he had? Let’s imagine…

The White House and Capitol are 2 miles apart, about 1.995 miles farther than Trump’s ability to “march” anywhere, so he had to be driven. In this tale, his SUV had loyal Secret Service agents, guys Trump could count on to wipe their phones and obliterate all incriminating texts around 1/6.

After his speech at the Ellipse, when Trump barked, “I’m the fucking president and I can do whatever I want. Drive me to the Capitol,” he didn’t have to grab the steering wheel or strangle anyone.

[By the way, Trump driving himself to the Capitol might have been a crime in itself because his New York driver’s license expired in June 2020.

In the heat of his reelection campaign and daily coronavirus briefings, do you think he renewed it?]

His Secret Service detail said, “Yes, Sir, at once, Sir!” (They knew he loves being called “Sir.”) The SUV inched through the rag-tag crowd filling the street, so the usual 10-minute drive took longer. But that gave Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, who’d already spent hours crashing through the Capitol Police’s first lines of defense, more time to smash the unreinforced windows, which they’d located thanks to Trump’s sycophants giving them tours to case the place.

The SUV took Trump right to the Capitol steps to spare the germophobe from having to walk through the unwashed masses he loved precisely because of their poor hygiene. Just climbing those steps in shoe lifts and a girdle would be taxing enough for Trump.

Trump was anticipating his High Noon showdown on the House floor with Speaker Pelosi when he declared all vote-counting over and told that bitch, “You’re fired!”

A phalanx of more Secret Service agents materialized to form a human V in front of Trump to clear his path up the stairs, yelling, “Stand down, but stand by!” When rioters glimpsed the dead ferret on Trump’s head, they hailed their leader’s arrival, stepping back and holding their flag-spears aloft in salute.

Once inside the Capitol, Trump strode to the House chamber expecting to find Nancy Pelosi in hysterics and Democrat cowards bouncing off the walls in terror. But it was empty except for vagrants ransacking desks and a bare-chested nut wearing face paint and horns standing at the Speaker’s chair.

Enraged that Pelosi had eluded him, Trump screamed, “Fuck you, Nervous Nancy!” and stomped out.

In the underground garage where Mike Pence and his family were hiding came word that Trump was in the building. “Oh, Mother, he’s come at last to save us!” Pence exclaimed as he headed for the stairs.

From the top of the Capitol steps, Trump ordered some SS agents to lead “his people, but only the armed ones” to where Congress was hiding, because he wasn’t about to squander this opportunity to rid himself of Schumer, Pelosi and their Democrat scum.

Looking over the mob, Trump was inspired to deliver an impromptu speech (which would have come out as, “Stop the steal, rigged election, fake news, witch hunt, hoax, fight like hell, shifty Schiff, Hillary’s emails!” on endless loop). But Mike Pence ran toward him, with Mother waddling in his wake.

“Praise the Lord, Sir! My prayers have been answered. You’re here to deliver us from evil and make America great again!” Pence cried, dropping to his knees at Trump’s feet.

Trump looked down and replied, his voice dripping with contempt, “Mike, are you going to do the right thing or wuss out and be a pussy?”

Panicked and confused after fleeing from the mob, Pence momentarily forgot what Trump was asking about. That nanosecond of hesitation cost him everything.

Trump gestured to an obese, bearded clot of knuckle-draggers standing nearby and said, “Proud Boys, you know what to do.”

Trumps goons grabbed the still-kneeling Pence and dragged him screaming down the Capitol steps. When Pence saw the gallows, he went limp and the Proud Boys easily threw him onto the platform. Trump and Mother Pence had caught up and watched, but only one of them in horror.

As the noose fell around Pence’s neck, TV cameramen in trees a safe distance away broadcast worldwide his lips babbling a final prayer. The next moment, the Proud Boys yanked the rope.

Trump heard the satisfying snap of his VP’s neck as he struggled in midair. When Mike went still, Trump gave his signature thumbs-up.

“Mike got what he deserved.”

The mob roared and began chanting, “Nancy Next, Nancy Next!”

But Pelosi was on the phone with General Mark Milley, who deployed the U.S. Army, which arrived to find Trump smirking amid general jubilation and dancing around Mike Pence’s dangling corpse.

As the troops landed, Trump’s SUV whisked him away because he didn’t want blood splashing on his black cashmere winter coat.

The rioters, now finding themselves leaderless and under deadly threat from highly trained soldiers armed for combat, lunged at the army with their flag-spears. Concealed weapons came out and began firing, including AR-15s, of course.

Screams filled the air as heads and body parts flew all over the Capitol grounds, soaking everyone in unspeakable gore. Both sides suffered so many casualties, the epic Civil War confrontation at Antietam will henceforth be remembered as a garden party.

Since it was all broadcast live, the whole world watched the U.S. president lead a barbaric attack on the government he’d sworn a sacred oath to protect and defend.

Trump, now safely back in the White House after a quick stop at a McDonald’s drive-through, watched TV as he scarfed down three Big Macs and two large orders of fries swimming in ketchup. When he flung his porcelain plate against the wall, as 1/6 Committee witness Cassidy Hutchinson later described, it was not in rage, but celebratory.

Trump reveled in his self-made “American carnage” all afternoon, flipping from station to station. He replayed many times favorite moments when his people blew U.S. Army troops to smithereens.

It wasn’t until dusk, when his people were too hungry and exhausted to continue fighting, that Trump called a press conference. His message was simple and from the heart:

“You’re all very special people and I love you, but you can go home now. Thank you for your hard work. You are true patriots. I am going to reward you by giving you what you want more than anything in the world. I declare Donald J. Trump president for life.

“As of this moment, I’m dissolving Congress and firing all the Joint Chiefs. All branches of the military, including my most brilliant Space Force, now report directly to their Supreme Commander, Donald J. Trump. I declare martial law throughout the land. The 2020 election never happened, and we’ll never need an election again. Thank you, and good night.”

Trump took no questions.

As the rioters packed up, Congress returned to find their building in shambles, including urine in every corner and human feces all over walls, paintings, and statues.

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer stood together, looking through a broken window at the silhouette of Mike Pence framed by moonlight, hanging from the gallows. If they still had jobs, they would have drawn up a list of possible members for a committee, which would then decide if the events of 1/6 needed to be investigated to determine if it was even remotely conceivable that Trump or anyone with him had possibly committed any crimes.

Mitch McConnell finally felt safe enough with all the Democrats gone to poke his head out of his shell and Kevin McCarthy pulled his thumb out of his mouth. Even though now also unemployed, they chanted in unison, “All Hail our Glorious Leader!”

Trump left the Supreme Court and Justice Department intact because he needed them to enforce his will and persecute his enemies. In an odd twist, he appointed Merrick Garland his new attorney general because he knew Garland would never dare to make a political fuss by charging anybody with anything. And he never did.

Pence’s killers faced no punishment. The rioters who slaughtered Capitol Police and Army troops were exonerated by Trump’s next executive order, which stated, “Since the United States loves the Second Amendment more than life itself, everyone must own a gun and murder is no longer a crime.”

Nobody lived happily ever after, including Trump. After about a year, dementia had reduced his mind to such mush, he couldn’t remember he’d ever been president. But the damage he’d been allowed to do wiped the United States of America right off the map.

Jan. 6 Committee, Please Stop Teasing Us

By Karen

What I’m sick of seeing, besides Trump’s putrid orange face and Mitch McConnell’s animated rotting corpse, is certain members of the January 6 Committee giving “interviews” to cable news talking heads who seem to have a boundless propensity for flinging themselves against brick walls.

I’m looking particularly at you, Adam Schiff and Zoe Lofgren.

At least Jamie Raskin will slip us decent teasers, such as the public hearings are going “blow the roof off the House.” Do tell!

This past weekend, Adam Kinzinger graciously confirmed that White House attorney Pat Cippollone’s testimony on July 8 didn’t contradict anything other witnesses had already said. So, White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson wasn’t committing perjury for 15 minutes of fame. Nice to know.

And every time Liz Cheney opens her mouth and the word “Trump” comes out, it’s like watching her father Dick shoot his best friend in the face all over again — but this time in the best possible way.

But Schiff and Lofgren, didn’t your mothers ever warn you, “If you have nothing useful to say, don’t go on TV and pretend you do”?

Here’s how these faux interviews typically go…

Interviewer: Mr. X was spotted going into the committee hearing room this morning and he seemed to be in there all day. That’s enough time to ask a lot of questions. Can you tell us how it went?

Member: Yes, we had invited Mr. X to come and speak to us, but I’m not at liberty to confirm that he complied, nor what might have been discussed if he did.

Int: Will we be seeing Mr. X testify under oath at a future televised public hearing?

Mem: Out of deference to my colleagues who will be chairing future hearings, I must refrain from divulging the names of their potential witnesses.

Int: Can you give us any idea of the themes your future hearings will tackle?

Mem: I don’t want to get ahead of our esteemed chairman, Mr. Thompson, who is ably steering the course of our investigation. But I can say we have gathered a wealth of evidence on a range of topics.

Int: Can you tell us how many more hearings the committee plans to hold, and might they extend into August?

Mem: New information is coming to light daily as new witnesses come forward, so the duration and number of any remaining hearings is not something I’m able to speculate on at this time.

Int: Can you tell us where these new witnesses are coming from? It’s been reported that you’ve already interviewed over 1,000 people.

Mem: The hearings so far have inspired others to contact us and share facts they possess which they may not have realized were relevant until now. We are grateful for their cooperation.

Int: Will your committee be making criminal referrals to the Justice Department?

Mem: It was never our intention to determine whether any criminal acts ever actually occurred. We are merely putting information we’ve gathered before the American people so that they can decide.

And there goes five minutes of all our lives we will never recover, and we learned absolutely NOTHING. Watching these media whores do their coy little minuet around substance — enabled by so-called cable “news” hosts — is enough to make anyone’s hair spontaneously combust.

Just give us more hearings, and if you can’t tell us anything more in between, then shut up.

Thoughts on Jan. 6 Hearings So Far

By Karen

We’ve had four hearings to date. I’ve watched every minute because this is too important, and I don’t trust TV pundits’ recaps’ accuracy.

Photo: wmur.com

I feel as if Trump’s gaslighting is now coming from journalists (I’m looking at you, Maddow and Reid) who keep using words like “shocking” and “bombshell” to describe the hearings. Have they forgotten their reporting since 1/6, or are we watching different hearings?

This cognitive dissonance spreads like a fungus because with the hearings foolishly held during business hours, working people rely on pundits, who regurgitate only what they consider highlights. That is, viewer bait, not necessarily important stuff.

The baseline fact is that Trump & Co. committed sedition by trying to overturn the election through coercion and insurrection. It was as illegal as it appeared. These hearings are just gilding the lily, dumping on us and the Justice Department an additional mountain of actionable evidence that should send Trump & Co. to prison forever.

As for the hearings themselves, I’m so over-saturated with Trump and his crimes, I absorb all information through the filter of, “Is this something I didn’t already know?” The answer is mostly no.

From the first prime-time hearing, my major takeaway was that the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers arrived at the Capitol hours early and skipped Trump’s speech so they could begin the rampage while Trump whipped reinforcements into a frenzy.

Bottom line: The insurrection was planned and coordinated with the White House, not spontaneous.

A subsequent hearing revealed that Trump has bilked $250 million from his cult for a nonexistent “Defense Fund.” He probably continues to this day because no one’s stopping him. He’s already stolen millions from his Inaugural Fund, gifts from foreign leaders, boxes of top-secret documents, and overcharged the Secret Service for profit, so why not?

Every hearing reiterates that Trump was told ad nauseam the election wasn’t stolen. They’ve also confirmed that Rudy Giuliani is a washed-up drunk, Jeffrey Clark and John Eastman plotted treason, and they’re all low-hanging, rotten fruit, but Merrick Garland coulda-shoulda-didn’t arrest them all months ago.

A truly sickening unintended consequence has been the glorification of Mike Pence and other Republicans who have testified. The truth is that Pence scoured every possibility to proclaim Trump the winner. But since he and all these witnesses had the sense to see prison looming if they obeyed Trump, they “did the right thing,” a.k.a, their jobs. Period.

Also, as the plot unfolded, with the exception of Arizona’s House Speaker Russell Bowers, who issued a press release no one saw, they all publicly said NOTHING to alert the country to Trump’s coup attempt.

Any other day, they’re still greedy, selfish, polluting, misogynistic, gun-loving, child-hating racists who want only to see white men owning and running the entire country again.

One huge takeaway from Georgia’s Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger: 28,000 ballots had NO vote for president, but did vote for Republicans down-ticket. Had all those voted for Trump, it would have been 173% of the 11,780 Trump demanded Raffensperger “find.”

Bottom line: Georgians didn’t want Trump reelected.

Why hasn’t this been a huge headline, media?

Raffensperger also told questioner Adam Schiff that Georgia found only four instances of votes from dead people. I expected Schiff to ask, “And who were those votes for?”

We’ll never know because Schiff let it drop. I’m going to take a wild guess and say Trump, because most of the few fraudulent votes anyone has found were for Trump.

That’s one small nail in the coffin, but a crucial one in driving home the point that the MAGA cult’s moral bankruptcy matches Trump’s own, and is even more dangerous by sheer numbers.

Yesterday’s hearing featured two black female Georgia vote counters. Trump and Giuliani have repeatedly named and reviled them with false accusations of vote tampering, which has stirred up the MAGA cult to have them living in fear for their lives.

This is a dot the media is doing a poor job of connecting. Trump’s continued freedom to spew lies is still inspiring bottom-feeding, brainwashed, armed scum to commit violence for him. Like the 1/6 insurrectionists, these people need to be tracked down now, arrested and dealt the most severe consequences the law allows, because nothing else is getting through to them.

Which brings me back to Attorney General Merrick Garland. I was incensed to see him almost giddy when asked if he’s watching the hearings…

Yeah, he’s watching, but is he DOING anything? Well, just yesterday, Garland hopped over to Ukraine to promise them he’ll deliver justice to their war criminals.

Bottom line: When the 1/6 hearings end, Garland had better deliver justice to the traitors in his own country who his inaction is enabling to STILL plot a coup, or he and the rest of us are all fucked.

Dems, Enough with Gun Control, Go After Bullets

By Karen

Guns don’t kill — bullets do.

–Cats Working

After yet another senseless slaughter of elementary school children and their teachers, Democrats are outraged and heartbroken. They howl that something needs to be done. Yet by doing NOTHING to punish or expel their seditious Republican colleagues in Congress — many still publicly trying to overthrow the government — Pelosi and Schumer allow a treasonous minority to block all gun control.

While clutching their nonexistent Second Amendment right to personal armories, Republicans love to deflect the blame to mental illness.

This is the only point where I agree with Republicans. You certainly do have to be severely mentally ill to want ALL fetuses born so they can grow up to be blown away at school by your guns.

As a sign where Republicans’ addled heads still are after this latest carnage, an NRA convention begins May 27 in Houston, a mere 278 miles from blood-soaked Robb Elementary School in Uvalde. But no Texans are telling the NRA, “Bad timing. Take your death-loving freak show somewhere else this year.”

Since Democrats will never whine themselves to a win on re-banning assault weapons or reducing the 400 million guns currently out there, they need another angle, like…

AN EXORBITANT FEDERAL TAX ON BULLETS

Make each bullet cost $100. All the sniveling little punks plotting killing sprees under their oblivious parents’ noses might even have to get a job to save enough for ammo. The delay could maybe make them grow out of the idea — or give a parent time to realize they’re harboring a psychopath.

Upon turning 18, the Uvalde killer bought himself the mass murderers’ weapon of choice, an AR-15 and high-capacity magazines. He also had a handgun.

This page from the Bushmaster Operator and Safety Instruction Manual says the gun can fire 45 rounds (i.e., bullets) a minute.

So, Congress could set a deranged killer back $4,500 for each minute of fun pretending a school is a video game.

Tax the hell out of ammunition so it’s far beyond the reach of all the low- to middle-class wannabe mass murderers and MAGA cultists itching for Civil War II. Then they can play with as many empty guns as they wish.

BONUS FROM THE CATS WORKING ARCHIVES: We’ve been gun control advoCATs for years. Our late colleague Cole was passionate on the topic, and here are links to some of his memorable posts.

Cole, 2015

In 2018, after the Washington D.C. Navy Yard mass murder, Cole suggested …

“If we won’t stop people from buying guns, let’s declare every person who tries to buy a gun insane until they can prove beyond a doubt otherwise.” If No Gun Control, Then People Control

Cole in 2013 linked people’s compulsion to own guns and SUVs to the same evil intent…

“The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license. Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.” Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV

After the Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary in 2012, Cole shot down former Republican Governor Bob McDonnell’s not-so-novel idea to arm all the adults…

“So the teacher keeps the gun locked in his desk. Then a gunman suddenly walks in and starts spraying the room with bullets. Before the teacher can get to his gun, he’s dead.

“And since teachers can’t be in their classrooms 24/7, what’s to keep an enterprising little lock-picker from getting to the gun and wasting the classmates who just bullied him in the lunchroom?” Virginia’s Redneck Response to Newtown

Also after Newtown, Cole offered a smorgasbord of ways to curb gun violence, while expressing his dismay with the state of things…

“Every time we have a Columbine, a Virginia Tech, an Aurora, a Newtown, and people do nothing but light candles, cry, and pray (and re-elect politicians who’d rather have regular massacres than give up their right to carry double-barreled penis extensions), Americans show the world what a bunch of craven, ignorant barbarians we are.” Response to Newtown Incomprehensible — Yet Predictable

Taking a Pass on 2022 Kentucky Derby

By Tony

Here’s a confession for all my peeps: Try as hard as I might, I’m just not feeling excited about Triple Crown season the way my predecessors Adele and Fred did. I’m sorry.

A month before I was born, back in 2019, the Kentucky Derby winner was Maximum Security. But he was disqualified for bumping into another horse in the stretch and they gave the win to Country House instead.

I joined the Cats Working crew that October. Roc and Max drafted me to fill Adele’s considerable paw pads as the 2020 Triple Crown prognosticator. But COVID screwed up the order of my first Triple Crown season and the Derby ended up being the LAST race, run in September, instead of the first one. My pick came in second, but he’d already won the longest and hardest race, the Belmont, so I couldn’t claim to know what I was doing.

Not like amazing Adele did back in 2011 when she picked Animal Kingdom and HE WON!

So, I tried again in 2021. When my top pick came in 16^th, I began to wonder if I’m really cut out for horse racing. The winner of that Derby was Medina Spirit. But then HE was disqualified after they found some banned substance in his system after the race.

Sadly, Medina Spirit unexpectly dropped dead during a workout on December 6, 2021. But he died a winner, never knowing he was disqualified, because the humans took their sweet time and didn’t reach their verdict until February 2022.

As a result, Medina’s trainer, Bob Baffert, has been banned for two years from tracks on both coasts for doping horses. But for today’s Derby, Baffert managed to skirt the ban by transferring two of his horses, Taiba and Messier, to one of his former trainer associates, who was able to enter them.

After two Derby disqualifications in three years, I think The Triple Crown is morphing into more a series of rigged elections than fair races. It doesn’t matter how powerful or fast the horses are. Some human bastard with an agenda will be waiting like a spider at the finish line, hoping for some sign of “fraud” with which to take out the winner.

You can’t get excited or trust what you see watching these races anymore. If they don’t turn out the way some backroom gang of thugs planned, they’ll throw the thing into dispute until they get what they want, the horses be damned.

I feel really bad for thoroughbreds who train hard and run themselves ragged in qualifying races for the Derby. In the end, none of it matters. Their reputations and fates are in the hands of sometimes deceitful, greedy people who will dope or drag any horse’s good name through the mud to win.

Cats Working wishes all the horses a safe trip today, and we’ll be watching. But nobody’s got paws crossed for a winner, because any horse’s “victory” may be just a temporary illusion.

Abortion: Only the Tip of the Real Problem

By Karen

A draft opinion by Justice Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court’s still-pending decision on Roe v. Wade has leaked and reveals the expected. The conservative majority (Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Coney Barrett, maybe Roberts) will allow states once again to force women to carry unwanted pregnancies, or risk death trying to end them.

Meanwhile, sadistic state Republicans across the country are passing draconian laws to severely restrict or ban abortion altogether.

The nightmare is here, so, will women stop whining and start demanding an eye for an eye? Or, a dick for a uterus?

(NOTE: I use “dick” instead of the proper term to avoid an avalanche of porn spam.)

While Republican men have wet dreams about torturing expectant mothers and then starving, neglecting, abusing and using their toddlers for target practice, women seem to be repeating Democrats’ mistake by playing nice. They express outrage on cable news and hold marches and peaceful protests.

Women, wake up. We need to scream and do something about the root cause of abortion: men’s dicks.

Dicks exist only for sperm delivery. OK, sperm and urine. Dickless men would have to sit down to pee like ladies. No biggie.

If not for dicks doing their sperm thing, abortion would be unneeded, legal or otherwise.

Every abortion now in question started with a dick attached to a man.

[“What about in vitro fertilization?” you cleverly ask. Stay focused. Women who get in vitro (Latin for “without dick”) are desperate. They don’t get abortions unless something goes terribly wrong. Those tragic terminations should have another name and are excluded from my discussion.]

Sicko Republicans paint women as inherently evil baby-killers whose lives must be destroyed — even if they were rape or incest victims. Whereas, the real evil is men’s unfettered dick freedom. Nobody’s suggesting the first fucking remedy for that. Not even male birth control.

Female legislators need to grow a pair and write counter-legislation.

How about bills mandating stiff penalties for men who impregnate women against their will, even if they’re married? If the child is born, the woman can sue to ensure financial support for herself and the child for 18 years, even if there’s a divorce.

Or, how about enabling a woman to sue for $10,000 any man who hits on her for unwanted sex that could result in pregnancy?

Call this one #MeToo on Steroids, or a Bounty on Indiscriminate Dicks. If Texas can put a bounty on uteruses, why not?

Men who try to skip out on the court’s ruling against them for any reason are reported, arrested and given the option of vasectomy or chemical castration (their choice) so they can’t offend again.

This is basically TNR (trap-neuter-release) used on feral cat colonies to reduce their numbers, only applied to human men. If enough men skirt their financial penalties, they get neutered, the birth rate drops and abortion eventually becomes moot.

Seem harsh? Think about this:

Most men think of their dicks as instruments of pride, pleasure (or power) over women, not baby-makers. To exterminate men with this attitude would admittedly be extreme, but we can certainly curb their dicks.

While this female-friendly legislation gets debated, women could exercise options some currently ignore, if the numbers fleeing Texas for abortions are any indication. For starters, keep your legs together. If you feel frisky, you can do the job quicker and better yourself and, unless your man has no hands, so can he.

In extreme cases, remember Lorena Bobbitt. She became famous in 1993 for cracking under sexual abuse (and a forced abortion) and castrating her husband. The world would be a lot safer for all women if more wives trained their husbands to sleep with one eye open, or risk waking up looking like a Ken doll.

Women need to get real and get loud about dicks. In addition to legal penalties, we need to ban Viagra, Cialis and whatever other dick-inflating pills they’ve got, as well as pumps, implants and any other pervy devices they use.

If women can’t have abortions, then men need to take responsibility for their role in pregnancy and be punished to the fullest extent if it’s unwanted.

And may every dick on the Supreme Court (including Amy the c*nt) who doesn’t like this solution be damned.

Some Days, I Just Can’t…

By Karen

Does anyone else feel like they can’t handle one more scandal, disaster or war?

First, we had to endure four years of Trump’s firehose of lies and gaslighting — now five years+ and counting because the DOJ must secretly worship Trump at a shrine they’ve erected in the basement.

Bad as that was, it was overlapped by two years of coronavirus pandemic, which virtually wiped my memory of my existence during 2020 and 2021.

Those two slow-rolling nightmares made my hair thin and my skin break out in a full-body rash I’m still dealing with. (I took up meditation and the skin is much better, but scalp psoriasis persists, thanks for asking.)

Photo: New York Post

Today, you turn on the TV and it’s wall-to-wall coverage of Putin’s unjustified, illegal Ukraine invasion. I can watch only about 10 minutes of CNN before I have to turn off. That’s because I freak out knowing the world is just WATCHING — helpless to stop it — while Putin tries to obliterate a country and murder its entire population.

I abandoned MSNBC completely after Rachel Maddow swanned off to make the movie nobody’s waiting for about a forgotten asshole, Spiro Agnew, just when we need her to keep connecting dots and nailing Republican traitors until they’re brought to justice or voted out (or retire or die).

If I hear one more talking head say Putin “may have” committed war crimes, my own head will explode. We have laws defining war crimes. How many demolished civilian homes and public buildings, and bodies being dumped into mass graves, do we need to see before the gutless media admits and unequivocally states…

PUTIN IS A WAR CRIMINAL WHO MUST BE PUNISHED

Yesterday I heard Secretary of State Antony Blinken say the U.S. has determined that Russian forces “have” committed war crimes and they will be held accountable.

So, we round up and prosecute all the small-potato soldiers? Crush the little guys perpetrating death and destruction on the orders of a homicidal megalomaniac?

Why does this feel familiar? Oh, right. Merrick Garland’s massive “crackdown” on MAGA 1/6 rioters who stormed, vandalized and shit all over the U.S. Capitol.

Our leaders are essentially saying we must NEVER go after power-hungry madmen who launch heinous assaults against humanity to stroke their own egos and make their dicks feel bigger. It might upset them.

I feel like I expend all my energy trying to maintain my sanity while the people who are supposed to uphold justice twiddle. I’ve got no capacity left to cope with earthquakes, floods, mudslides, tornadoes and new COVID outbreaks.

I’ve deliberately kept SCOTUS developments off my radar since Biden confirmed his pick would be a black woman. I knew he’d pick someone vastly more caring and competent than Trump’s cruel, subversive ideologues, Kavanaugh and Barrett. I don’t need to watch the confirmation hearing to know Republicans will act like the hateful, ignorant, misogynistic, racist hypocrites they all are.

As with Putin and Trump, we already have mountains of evidence proving beyond doubt that many Republicans in Congress are corrupt, treasonous scumbags with zero regard for decency or human life. What we don’t see is anyone who should be confronting and punishing them doing it.

That’s what’s depresses me most. The brave Ukrainian people will succeed in repelling Putin from their country because defeat is not an option for them. But victory will come at the steepest imaginable cost.

Meanwhile, the U.S. sticks to its goal of letting all the bad guys win — at least, the ones who are politicians.