Cats Working Welcomes “The New Kid”

By Max and Roc

Roc: Since we lost Adele on September 12, I’ve made Max’s life hell. I didn’t realize how much I depended on Adele for company, even though I annoyed the shit out of her most of the time. Max was taking the brunt of my frustration and loneliness.

Max: Karen was devastated to lose Adele, who’d been here over a decade before I ever showed up, which was the very day after Adele lost her BFF Yul to kidney failure. I think she wrongly connected dots on those two events and always blamed me for Yul’s departure.

It was hard to live as Adele’s prey. Once she was gone, I finally felt free and loved it. Then Roc started hounding me constantly to wrestle, which we haven’t done since he was tiny and couldn’t beat me.

Roc: Karen put up with our scrapping for about six weeks before she found me a new friend going by the name Kappa, but whom we’ll call “The Kid” for now…

Max: The Kid and one brother were six weeks old and half dead when they were brought from Northern Virginia to the Richmond Animal League. There was no info on what happened to their mother. The Kid was malnourished, dehydrated, underweight, had ear mites, an upper respiratory infection and a heart murmur. The works.

RAL got him better and neutered him before placing him in a couple of foster homes. Then blood started coming out of his butt for no reason they could find.

Karen had hoped for a younger kitten; this one was nearly five months old now and on the verge of becoming a hard-to-place teen. But he was extroverted like Roc, so Karen decided he deserved a shot at a better life.

Karen had the Man Cave upstairs equipped for the slow introduction new cats are supposed to get. But once in the front door, The Kid shot out of his carrier and explored every inch of the house while Roc and I sat there going “WTF?” The Kid even ventured out on the beams!

To impress on you how dangerous this is, here’s our living room. For us big cats, it’s routine to leap from the beams to the kitty perch or the bookcases. It’s an Evil Knievel move for a kitten. (The Kid did fall off the middle beam soon after, but miraculously missed the furniture on the way down and didn’t miss a beat.)

Roc: The Kid and I were hanging out and playing within an hour of his arrival…

Max: With the heat off me, I could watch those two knuckleheads roughhouse from my comfy chair…

Roc: The Kid did spend his first night in the Man Cave just to calm him down. I spent the night camped outside his door to make sure he was OK. Who could resist this face?

Max: The next day, he wasted no time checking out Karen’s desk, where he learned how fascinating a cursor can be…

Roc: He jumped right in helping us keep tabs on the neighborhood from the big kitchen window…

Max: I even let him help me with squirrel patrol on the deck…

Roc: It was nice to have company at meals again…

We were getting along great, but I’ll admit I was surprised when The Kid followed me into the “locker room” to watch me do my “business!”

Max: Halloween night, Karen let him try a little ‘nip. I think he liked it…

Then we all joined him on the kitchen table to get in on the action…

Roc: The Kid soon revealed an intense interest in all things culinary. Karen can’t keep him off the counter. He has no fear whatsoever of the stove, on or off…

The Kid’s first Sunday, Karen made a big pot of chili, which he had to inspect…

He was also desperate to try her homemade beer bread. That’s right. Beer…

Max: The Kid can devour a 5.5 oz. can of Friskies Shreds in about two minutes (which means stealing Roc’s half). Karen hasn’t had a plate of food he hasn’t attacked since he got here. This morning he went after her breakfast…

I know it looks like a puke on a plate, but Karen said it was Potatoes O’Brien with a couple of eggs thrown in and it was delicious.

Roc: After breakfast, The Kid stole Max’s food (Max eccentrically eats in a mine field of Karen’s junk, the coffee table)…

Max: Karen bought The Kid “Da Bee,” a stick toy which was his favorite in his second foster home. He’s already on his second bee after demolishing the first one. This is Karen’s attempt to capture him playing cute with it…

She also tried for a nice portrait of him, but he preferred to look like he’s in Witness Protection…

Roc: He’s claimed the late Cole’s favorite teddy bear. The teddy seems happy to have a kitty again…

Max: The Kid’s got salt-and-pepper fur, a long, lanky physique, a daring and adventurous spirit, and a love of the kitchen, booze and cuisines feline and human, so we’ve named him…

Tony Bourdain

Cats Working Says Good-Bye to Adele

By Karen

I’m deeply saddened to report that Adele passed away on Thursday, September 12. She was 19 years and 5 months old, the last of the original Cats Working team who inspired my book, How to Work Like a CAT.

Without missing a beat in her routine until the very end, Adele became yet another victim of chronic renal failure, which she lived with for over two years. In her lifetime, she watched four “brothers” who were her world also succumb to CRF — Rex, Fred, Yul, and Cole.

Adele and Yul

This past spring, Adele also began developing a tumor on her neck. It didn’t hurt or bother her and seemed comparatively the least of her ailments, so she didn’t undergo any aggressive diagnosis or treatment for it.

Cole and Adele

Adele drove the daily agenda around here until her days slowly became more bad than good. When most foods lost their appeal (and we tried them ALL) and her meds weren’t helping, and even sleep didn’t bring much relief, we knew it was time to let her go while she still had her dignity. Her death was very peaceful.

Max and Roc are adjusting like a couple of rebels without causes to the newly quiet house and Adele’s empty favorite spots. They’re facing life for the first time since kittenhood without their etiquette coach and disciplinarian. They are better cats thanks to Adele’s tough love.

Max and Adele shared a bed

I’m missing my Delly so much, feeling the weight of accumulated grief from losing another decades-long companion to a scourge of epidemic proportions that veterinary medicine inexplicably seems to NEVER make any headway against. It’s taken me days to bring myself to write this and I’m in tears as I type.

Roc and Adele

Michelle Wolf Deserves Thanks, Not Dissing

By Karen

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and comedian Michelle Wolf’s serving of it at the White House Correspondents Dinner was as frosty and satisfying as her joke about Fox “News” defector Megyn Kelly…

“Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC, then NBC didn’t let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She’s so white, cold and expensive, she might as well BE the Winter Olympics.”

Republicans are crying “Foul!” They claim they were verbally punched in the face while refusing to admit Dear Leader Trump’s bullying and insulting tweets and lie-laced rants on Fox and at rallies have made it open season on mean.

Like all passive-aggressive bullies, Trump himself was too gutless to be there and face journalists he insults, threatens, lies about, calls the “enemy of the people,” and says he’d like to jail. Instead, he had Sarah Huckabee Sanders take his place on the dais.

Sanders has been shoveling shit down our throats since her first day in the White House press briefing room. Wolf logically homed in on Sanders’ incessant lying, and I thought her take-down about how Sanders creates her signature “smoky eye” look from the burnt ashes of facts was pretty mild, considering.

If Wolf had stooped to Trump’s level, she’d have gone after the lank, style-free hair, the dumpy figure that makes a dandy Trump repellant, the lifeless, monotone delivery that makes Mike Pence seem like a court jester, and the pearls inspired by Marge Simpson.

Instead, Wolf went high. She let Sanders know what decent women think of her as Trump’s mouthpiece…

“And I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders? Is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.”

And now even the dinner’s sponsor, the White House Correspondents Association, has turned on Wolf, saying her speech wasn’t in “the spirit” of their mission.

Really?

Then why were they all there, to pay homage to the bloviating buffoon who keeps them scrabbling after tweets like street urchins chasing pennies tossed by a passing “noble” who otherwise kicks, taunts, and spits on them for having the gall to exist?

“Thank you, sir, may we have some more?”

If there’s ANYWHERE those representing the media should get up in Trump’s face and tell him…

“Enough’s enough. You may fool Fox and your brainless base, but we know bullshit when we see it. We’re going to call it out and continue to uncover the facts about your ignorance, bigotry, misogyny, corruption, and crime.”

…the WHCD is it.

Michelle Wolf spoke truth to the idiot squatter in the White House and did their job for them. Their thanks is to feign the vapors over her crudeness and throw her under the bus.

That’s gratitude, Trump-style.

Trump’s Strange Lack of Curiosity About Russia Explained

By Karen

Melania may have a hard time tucking Donald into bed tonight in Hamburg on the eve of what’s believed to be his first face-to-face with his idol, Vladmir Putin, at the G20 summit. It’s hard to know for sure if they’ve ever met before because Trump’s been lying for several years about their acquaintance.

By all reports, Putin’s done his homework and is well-armed with facts and intelligence. Trump goes in with the mostly blank slate he calls his “good brain.”

Trump has never asked about how Putin interferes in U.S. elections. I think it’s because Trump already knows. During the campaign, his flying monkeys verbally kept him informed on how they coordinated Russia’s efforts on Trump’s behalf.

The White House couldn’t get Trump up to speed on Putin because Trump’s puny attention span allowed only a series of tweet-length bullet points. He’s incapable of absorbing any more.

Putin also has an agenda, which likely includes getting back those two spying bases in the U.S. that Obama seized on his way out the door, and probably the lifting of financial sanctions.

Trump’s attitude seems to be, “Ask not what Russia can do for you, but what you can do for Russia,” because Trump requested a list of “deliverables” for Putin. Hey, why not? The man helped put Trump in the White House.

No one expects Trump to bring up Russia’s meddling as a bad thing. Rather, Trump may drop to his knees before Putin in gratitude and ask him how he likes his blow jobs.

Nah, I go too far. It wouldn’t be presidential, and it would take a crane to get Trump back on his feet. Maybe that’s why he brought Melania.

As for the rest of the summit, it remains to be seen how gauche and boorish Trump will be this time. At least the other leaders know to expect some scolding and shoving.

Angela Merkel has made it clear she has no use for the arrogant man-baby, and Emmanuel Macron has already played Trump’s childish alpha-male games.

When Trump’s BFF, Chinese President Xi Jinping, strolls in, wanna bet Trump goes all sweet and gooey like chocolate cake, instead of ordering China to bring North Korea to heel, like he’s been demanding in speeches to everyone else?

I don’t see how Trump can possibly survive this summit with his ass intact. After Putin chews him up and spits him out, the other 18 leaders can steer around his bloated orange carcass like roadkill. On too many fronts, Trump has not only abdicated leadership, but his right to express an opinion. CNN did a succinct run-down on the major conflicts Trump has created with the other 19 18 countries. (Correction: One of the G20 members is a representative of the EU.)

It’s sad that I actually want to see a president of the United States disrespected and demeaned in an international forum. But maybe being publicly bitch-slapped by other leaders will get his attention. Nothing will make him humble, but if the world stops listening to or believing him, it may minimize the damage Trump can inflict

What’s in a Name? Trump Defies Description

By Adele

Since we finally see the light at the end of this election tunnel and it may NOT be the Trump Trainwreck coming, I’m sharing my collection of ways people have tried to capture the putrid essence of Donald Trump.

We’ve got all paws crossed that the only name appropriate for Trump on November 9 is…

Biggest. Loser. Ever. YUGE! Unbelievable!

He’s also been called…

National disgrace and an international pariah. —Colin Powell

Two-bit racist arsonist. —Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)

Unwitting agent of the Russian Federation. —Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)

Willful and abusive braggart. —General Barry McCaffrey (Ret.)

Dishonest demagogue with an authoritarian character. —Meg Whitman (Hewlett-Packard CEO)

Slick-talking, empty-promising, self-promoting, one-man wrecking crew. —Senator Tim Kaine (Hillary’s running mate)

A black soul. —Khizr Khan (father of slain Muslim U.S. Army Captain)

A cheddar-faced crypto fascist. —Scott Feschuk (Canadian columnist)

Rear Adm. John Hutson (Ret.):

• Walking, talking recruiting poster for terrorists
• Not fit to polish John McCain’s boots

Elizabeth Warren:

• A man with a dark and ugly soul
• Loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud
• Thin-skinned racist bully
• Large orange elephant in the room

Howard Dean:

• An ignoramus who doesn’t pay his taxes
• A hate-monger and a fool

Leonard Pitts:

• Overgrown frat boy trying to masquerade as a statesman
• Flaming oil spill of a human being
• Has epic coarseness, brazen mendacity, appalling ignorance, enormous narcissism and utter incompetence

Charles Krauthammer:

• Boasting, bullying, bombastic, insulting, insensitive
• An infantile hunger for approval and praise, a craving that can never be satisfied

Lawrence O’Donnell:

• The most vile creature in the history of presidential campaigning
• A sociopathic liar
• Most ignorant and mentally unstable candidate in history

Bill Maher:

• The tangerine nightmare
• Whiny little bitch
• Doing to politics what Bialystock and Bloom in The Producers did to Broadway. Purposely trying to have a flop so he could bilk the investors.

Samantha Bee:

• A two-bit used hate salesman
• A dick-waving Berlusconi knockoff
• A Garfield-colored ignoramus
• Lecherous lump of earwax
• Tangerine Caligula
• Sociopathic 70-year-old toddler
• Bigoted alleged billionaire
• Agent Orange
• America’s burst appendix
• Least qualified candidate ever to lurch into the public spotlight and shit on Gold Star moms while cradling Putin’s sweaty sack

Stephen Colbert:

• Screaming cantaloupe (said by cartoon Hillary to Colbert during interview)
• Big orange coward
• Angry Creamsicle

Trevor Noah:

• Racist clementine
• Traffic cone soaked in raw sewage
• Cinnamon Hitler
• Scrubby side of the sponge

Larry Wilmore:

• Citrus-hued vomit bladder
• Mango Mussolini

John Oliver:

• Racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair
• Two-bit bullshit artist conning America to help himself
• Damaged sociopathic narcissist
• Used condom filled with orange Gatorade
• Used diaphragm from the Jersey Shore
• Sriracha baboon anus

Deranged, narcissistic Oompa-Loompa. —Jordan Klepper (Daily Show reporter)

Don’t forget to vote tomorrow. Your kitties are depending on you to do the right thing.

Today is Black Cat Appreciation Day

By Max and Roc

No, we are not making this up.

Even though we’ve had a two-legged black cat in the White House for almost eight years, the four-legged type continue to live under the shadow of human brainwashing about how evil we are.

We’re harmless. Just ask Karen. If living with black cats were dangerous, she’d have been dead years ago. Eight of the ten cats she’s adopted in her adult life have been black or black tuxedo. The only two exceptions were Adele and the late, great Fred, both pure white.

If you have a black cat, give him or her extra hugs and treats today. If you’re thinking maybe you’d like to get a cat, go straight to your nearest shelter and take home the blackest cat they have.

It’s a fact that black cats and dogs are the last to be adopted, even though we’re just as loving and we need good homes as much as tabbies and calicos. We may even be smarter because we’ve managed to survive over the centuries in spite of so many people being out to kill us.

For example, Roc will troubleshoot problems with your TV for a reasonable fee.

And a tuxedo cat like Max makes a perfect plus-one at any elegant soirée.

We’ve got brains and good looks. Who could ask for anything more?

Cats for Hillary

By Adele

Yes, it’s a real movement. Just go to www.Twitter.com and search on #catsforhillary. Trump’s not the only one tweeting. In fact, cats are infamous tweeter-eaters, so let Donald consider himself warned. Just sayin’.

One detail I haven’t seen about Trump is if he has any pets. I’d bet a year of my treats he’s a dog person. Since he requires blind obedience, a cat couldn’t fail to in-fur-iate him.

Hold the presses! I just found something. Can’t confirm it anywhere reputable, but to put it as Trump himself would, “I’m reading that many people think” Trump has a Lab named Spinee (a retriever, the breed preferred by slave-drivers) and this pic of him is all over the ‘net…

On the other hand, Hillary’s not a pet person, although the Bill Clinton White House had a cat named Socks, and then Bill got a dog named Buddy. I was the CW reporter on the political cat beat back in the day.

I was also once an ardent Hillary nonsupporter, but started coming around during her run against Obama. Today, since Trump is the alternative, I’ve done a complete 180 on Hillary.

She’s ruthless, conniving, smart, organized. She can lie with a straight face. And she has claws — like needles — although she usually keeps them well-hidden. She’ll take what she learned from every misstep as secretary of state and see that nobody ever gets the best of her again. Putin, you hacking sack of Trump-loving poo. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Trump, on the other hand, thinks he’ll single-handedly make the world a better place by building walls, torturing families, persecuting Muslims, deporting 11 million people, bombing the Middle East, letting nukes multiply willy-nilly in bad places, screwing our allies, cozying up to despots, all while insulting, berating, and mocking everyone involved.

Let’s hope the latest outrage: Trump’s cluelessness on workplace harassment, reinforced by son Eric on CBS This Morning, drives another nail into Trump’s coffin with women…

As a fe/male/line who’s harassed by Max and Roc every day of my life just because… I can attest that being a strong female has nothing to do with it. And sometimes you can’t just “change careers” to escape it.

So, harassed women get tossed on Trump’s ever-growing pile of losers. Let’s hope they help to hand Trump the biggest loss of his life in November.

BONUS: While you’re on Twitter, if you want to ROTFLYAO, check out #TrumpYourCat.