What’s in a Name? Trump Defies Description

By Adele

Since we finally see the light at the end of this election tunnel and it may NOT be the Trump Trainwreck coming, I’m sharing my collection of ways people have tried to capture the putrid essence of Donald Trump.

We’ve got all paws crossed that the only name appropriate for Trump on November 9 is…

Biggest. Loser. Ever. YUGE! Unbelievable!

He’s also been called…

National disgrace and an international pariah. —Colin Powell

Two-bit racist arsonist. —Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)

Unwitting agent of the Russian Federation. —Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)

Willful and abusive braggart. —General Barry McCaffrey (Ret.)

Dishonest demagogue with an authoritarian character. —Meg Whitman (Hewlett-Packard CEO)

Slick-talking, empty-promising, self-promoting, one-man wrecking crew. —Senator Tim Kaine (Hillary’s running mate)

A black soul. —Khizr Khan (father of slain Muslim U.S. Army Captain)

A cheddar-faced crypto fascist. —Scott Feschuk (Canadian columnist)

Rear Adm. John Hutson (Ret.):

• Walking, talking recruiting poster for terrorists
• Not fit to polish John McCain’s boots

Elizabeth Warren:

• A man with a dark and ugly soul
• Loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud
• Thin-skinned racist bully
• Large orange elephant in the room

Howard Dean:

• An ignoramus who doesn’t pay his taxes
• A hate-monger and a fool

Leonard Pitts:

• Overgrown frat boy trying to masquerade as a statesman
• Flaming oil spill of a human being
• Has epic coarseness, brazen mendacity, appalling ignorance, enormous narcissism and utter incompetence

Charles Krauthammer:

• Boasting, bullying, bombastic, insulting, insensitive
• An infantile hunger for approval and praise, a craving that can never be satisfied

Lawrence O’Donnell:

• The most vile creature in the history of presidential campaigning
• A sociopathic liar
• Most ignorant and mentally unstable candidate in history

Bill Maher:

• The tangerine nightmare
• Whiny little bitch
• Doing to politics what Bialystock and Bloom in The Producers did to Broadway. Purposely trying to have a flop so he could bilk the investors.

Samantha Bee:

• A two-bit used hate salesman
• A dick-waving Berlusconi knockoff
• A Garfield-colored ignoramus
• Lecherous lump of earwax
• Tangerine Caligula
• Sociopathic 70-year-old toddler
• Bigoted alleged billionaire
• Agent Orange
• America’s burst appendix
• Least qualified candidate ever to lurch into the public spotlight and shit on Gold Star moms while cradling Putin’s sweaty sack

Stephen Colbert:

• Screaming cantaloupe (said by cartoon Hillary to Colbert during interview)
• Big orange coward
• Angry Creamsicle

Trevor Noah:

• Racist clementine
• Traffic cone soaked in raw sewage
• Cinnamon Hitler
• Scrubby side of the sponge

Larry Wilmore:

• Citrus-hued vomit bladder
• Mango Mussolini

John Oliver:

• Racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair
• Two-bit bullshit artist conning America to help himself
• Damaged sociopathic narcissist
• Used condom filled with orange Gatorade
• Used diaphragm from the Jersey Shore
• Sriracha baboon anus

Deranged, narcissistic Oompa-Loompa. —Jordan Klepper (Daily Show reporter)

Don’t forget to vote tomorrow. Your kitties are depending on you to do the right thing.

Today is Black Cat Appreciation Day

By Max and Roc

No, we are not making this up.

Even though we’ve had a two-legged black cat in the White House for almost eight years, the four-legged type continue to live under the shadow of human brainwashing about how evil we are.

We’re harmless. Just ask Karen. If living with black cats were dangerous, she’d have been dead years ago. Eight of the ten cats she’s adopted in her adult life have been black or black tuxedo. The only two exceptions were Adele and the late, great Fred, both pure white.

If you have a black cat, give him or her extra hugs and treats today. If you’re thinking maybe you’d like to get a cat, go straight to your nearest shelter and take home the blackest cat they have.

It’s a fact that black cats and dogs are the last to be adopted, even though we’re just as loving and we need good homes as much as tabbies and calicos. We may even be smarter because we’ve managed to survive over the centuries in spite of so many people being out to kill us.

For example, Roc will troubleshoot problems with your TV for a reasonable fee.

And a tuxedo cat like Max makes a perfect plus-one at any elegant soirée.

We’ve got brains and good looks. Who could ask for anything more?

Cats for Hillary

By Adele

Yes, it’s a real movement. Just go to www.Twitter.com and search on #catsforhillary. Trump’s not the only one tweeting. In fact, cats are infamous tweeter-eaters, so let Donald consider himself warned. Just sayin’.

One detail I haven’t seen about Trump is if he has any pets. I’d bet a year of my treats he’s a dog person. Since he requires blind obedience, a cat couldn’t fail to in-fur-iate him.

Hold the presses! I just found something. Can’t confirm it anywhere reputable, but to put it as Trump himself would, “I’m reading that many people think” Trump has a Lab named Spinee (a retriever, the breed preferred by slave-drivers) and this pic of him is all over the ‘net…

On the other hand, Hillary’s not a pet person, although the Bill Clinton White House had a cat named Socks, and then Bill got a dog named Buddy. I was the CW reporter on the political cat beat back in the day.

I was also once an ardent Hillary nonsupporter, but started coming around during her run against Obama. Today, since Trump is the alternative, I’ve done a complete 180 on Hillary.

She’s ruthless, conniving, smart, organized. She can lie with a straight face. And she has claws — like needles — although she usually keeps them well-hidden. She’ll take what she learned from every misstep as secretary of state and see that nobody ever gets the best of her again. Putin, you hacking sack of Trump-loving poo. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Trump, on the other hand, thinks he’ll single-handedly make the world a better place by building walls, torturing families, persecuting Muslims, deporting 11 million people, bombing the Middle East, letting nukes multiply willy-nilly in bad places, screwing our allies, cozying up to despots, all while insulting, berating, and mocking everyone involved.

Let’s hope the latest outrage: Trump’s cluelessness on workplace harassment, reinforced by son Eric on CBS This Morning, drives another nail into Trump’s coffin with women…

As a fe/male/line who’s harassed by Max and Roc every day of my life just because… I can attest that being a strong female has nothing to do with it. And sometimes you can’t just “change careers” to escape it.

So, harassed women get tossed on Trump’s ever-growing pile of losers. Let’s hope they help to hand Trump the biggest loss of his life in November.

BONUS: While you’re on Twitter, if you want to ROTFLYAO, check out #TrumpYourCat.

Kitten’s Double Life Revealed

By Roc

Ever since I came to live here in November 2015, I’ve been stepping out with Karen nearly every Saturday to visit my “home away from home.” Adele and Max think I’m bonkers when I climb into the carrier without a fuss. For them, that crate means only one thing — the VET.

My secret escape is a sweet little set-up at a big house belonging to my Granny and Grumpy. There, I’m a superstar. Those two are absolutely CRAZY about me.

They have a great fireplace, which they turn on just for me so I can catnap in front of it. At first, all I had was a blankie on the floor…

But it wasn’t long before a bed showed up. Now my Teddy and Squeaky Hamburger guard it full-time…

Speaking of Teddy, I got him for Christmas when I was real little… (on blue carpet), but you can see how I’m growing into him. Karen took the next picture of us in February…

I have other toys, too. We have so many at home, Max and Adele haven’t even missed these…

And they don’t know about my latest acquisition, a new scratchy pad with feathers…

I like hanging out on the big couch while everybody drinks wine and watches some tube, with no fears that Adele will come along and sit on me…

I also like playing on the kitchen table, now that it’s an easy leap. Here I am on Granny’s chair…

And here’s Granny giving me a workout with my Martha Stewart stick toy…

She also encourages me to explore my artistic side. Here I am playing “Kitten on the Keys” on her piano…

Grumpy plays with me, too, but mostly by letting me chew his feet. I know it looks like he’s trying to strangle me here, but that’s how he does “friendly”…

I returned the favor by visiting his office for a desk inspection (BTW, he failed, it was a mess)…

Then I scared the pants shorts off him by trying a new trick. That black thing on the bannister at the top of the stairs is me…

Bannister-walking has become my new hobby, but that’s for another post.

When I need a little alone time, I hang out in the guestroom and watch for geese on the little lake behind the house…

I also have my own stash of food, bowls, and a litterbox. But don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not a mooch. I earn my keep. One Saturday I helped Granny with housework by fishing some popcorn, a Goldfish, and a couple of peanuts from under the coffee table for her (OK, I ate a peanut). She was so horrified by all the stale snacks I was finding, they moved the coffee table and vacuumed the whole rug…

I’m not sure what Adele and Max do while I’m gone, but I enjoy my weekly breaks from them. And they don’t seem to mind because I don’t come home reeking of the vet.

Jiu-Jitsu, Kamakazi Kitten-Style

By Roc

OK, now you’ve seen my cute little splashy side. Let’s take a look at my inner beast.

Anyone would expect a kitten named Roc (as opposed to Dust Bunny or Fluffer Nutter) to be scrappy. I wasn’t here at Cats Working more than a few days before I decided to find out how far I could push Max, even though he was about 4 times my weight. What’s one life to a kitten with 8 more in his future?

Our first good bout when I was 3 months old ended in a draw…

But Max-wrestling instantly became my addiction (even more than jumping into the refrigerator every time Karen opens it). To practice my moves, I jump Max every chance I get. He doesn’t always appreciate it.

Our latest match-up was just a few weeks ago when I was 5 months old. We amped up the thrill factor by adding the possibility of the loser taking a 9-foot plunge off the balcony into the living room…

PS: Rest assured that nobody went over the edge. There may have been some slight ego-bruising, but no kitties were hurt during either filming.

Kitten Makes a Big Discovery

By Roc

Max and Adele disagreed on this because they hate getting wet, but I found the kitty fountain to be almost as fun as playing in the bathroom sink.

For the record, I was 4 months old and everything still seemed new when Karen shot this video. Today I’m 6 months old and my current project is to find out what makes Karen’s shower tick.

 

This Cat’s Purrfect Superbowl

By Adele

For starters, we’ve finally learned how high the NFL can count in Roman numerals — XLIX.

(If you have any idea what that number is without a Superbowl attached to it, you must not be a football player. You’re too smart.)

The other day CBS This Morning previewed some Superbowl commercials, including one for Heinz with a herd of “hotdogs” running through a field. What some mutts won’t do for 30 seconds of fame. Sheesh.

Anyway, it reminded me there’s a Superbowl coming and I realized it’s become a vast terrorist organization right on American soil when I saw…

Superbowl 50

An ARABIC number! Why aren’t Donald Trump and Ted Cruz demanding the NFL’s immediate deportation?

Cats Working readers know there’s no love for football here, but this is one Superbowl we can’t ignore because it’s between CATS and HORSES.

OK, they call themselves Panthers and Broncos.

For once, I’d like to see kicked to the sidelines all the concussed humans who prance around in tight little pants while REAL cats and horses play the game.

You’d see so much galloping up and down the field, nobody could keep track of yards.

If any horse had a down, depending on its severity, that horse might have to be put down on the spot. Talk about suspense and violence.

When cats made touchdowns, you’d see true athletes leaping OVER the goal posts.

What you WOULDN’T see is any butt-fondling or players writhing on the ground in big gay heaps. It would be claw vs. hoof competition at its finest.

But, sadly, this Superbowl will be all human again, and it will undoubtedly drag into Downton Abbey, so we won’t be watching.

Cats Working roots for the Panthers, naturally, but won’t hold a grudge if the Broncos win, since some of our best friends wear saddles.