Innocent Housecats Under Attack

February 1, 2013

By Max

A new survey claims domestic cats are homicidal maniacs who kill BILLIONS of mice and birds.

Here’s a news flash: Karen has killed more mice than me and Adele COMBINED. (I can’t speak for Cole. He’s mum about his feral kitten days.)

In this study, LiveScience researchers surmised there are about 84 million cats owned in the U.S. They pulled numbers out of their ass and claim we each kill 4-18 birds per year and 8-21 small mammals annually.

They failed to acknowledge that, of those 84 million housecats, MANY are indoor-only.

And who’s weeping over fewer mice and voles? There’s a reason they’re called “vermin.”

OK, chipmunk deaths are regrettable because they’re cute, and some are even great singers.

But this anti-cat wack job in New Zealand named Gareth Morgan has a blog called Cats to Go and says he’d pay the SPCA $5 for every cat it kills.

Who says birds are more important than cats? Has Gareth never heard of avian flu? Did BIRDS save Europe from the Black Plague?

Gareth should visit India. There aren’t many cats there, and rats devour the grain so people starve.

And what about our contribution to technology? The Internet full of BIRD videos is unthinkable.

I Can Has Cheezburger with lolBIRDS? Are you kidding?

Here’s just one example of Gareth’s cat-hate:

Before you say it, even well-fed cats kill. The fact is that cats kill on instinct, not because they need to eat, it is one of their most pleasurable activities. In one study, six cats were presented with a live small rat while eating their preferred food. All six cats stopped eating the food, killed the rat, and then resumed eating the food.

It was a RAT! Those cats did humans a favor, even though they had to finish their meal with rat hair in their teeth.

Yet this Gareth clown makes it sound like a bad thing.

Cats Working appeals to every cat-lover with a social media presence to denounce Gareth Morgan.

Instead of calling for our deaths, he should adopt some cats, keep them indoors, and learn what delightful companions we are — as opposed to dogs who just want to cover every ‘hood with poop.

Humane neutering programs will take time to eliminate feral cats, but people could speed things up a lot by offering more kitties good homes — indoors.

More killing is NEVER the answer.

Cats Working vs. Kamakazi Bird

March 30, 2009

By Adele

Alfred Hitchcock would have loved this psychotic robin who lurked in the holly tree outside our kitchen window for 2 weeks, throwing himself at the glass every 30 seconds from sunrise to sunset. His incessant muffled thumping was the stuff of horror flicks.

Whenever Bird Brain took a break from beating himself senseless, he’d preen in Karen’s car windows, dribbling sour scream sprinkled with rat turds down the doors.

What's with birds and chronic diarrhea?

What's with birds and chronic diarrhea?

If Fred, Yul, or I were outdoor cats, this scene would have been a “wrap” in one take, if you know what I mean. Yul seriously considered slipping outside and evading punishment by charming Karen with an edible gift of “Mystery Poultry” upon his return.

But instead, we watched Karen’s futile attempts to scare off Bird Brain by taping pictures of a tiger and peregrine falcons to the window.

The bird didn’t miss a beat. Literally.

Then she tried enlisting us for windowsill sentry duty. The bird would scram, but we had napping and noshing to do, so we soon declared a strike.

To keep Narcissis from crapping all over her Saturn while admiring himself, Karen wrapped her car mirrors in yellow newspaper bags.

Finally, Dollar Tree provided relief in the form of three sharp plastic “wind catchers” that Karen nailed outside the windows.

Yul thinks, "Bird Brain could save me a step and debone himself on these."

Yul muses, "Bird Brain could save me a step by deboning himself on these."

We haven’t heard a thump since they went up, and the car remains sour-cream-free, so the robin’s reign of terror seems to be over.

If you ask us, he got off way too easy.

A Tale of Two Parrots

May 22, 2008

By Fred

As a cat, my interest in birds is purely sporting, but I do admire one smart parrot who refused to crack under police interrogation when he got nabbed after 2 weeks loose in the ‘hood in Nagareyama, Japan.

The red-tailed African Grey parrot had committed no crimes, so he was transferred to a veterinary hospital. After a few days there, he started singing like a canary – literally – serenading the hospital staff with children’s songs.

Then he casually told the vet, “I’m Mr. Yosuke Nakamura,” and gave a full address. Looking it up, the staff discovered Nakamuras really lived there.

Yosuke’s owners had spent about 2 years teaching their bird his name and address. Apparently they didn’t realize microchipping him would have been a lot faster.

On another perch, Charlie is a parrot in Benijofar, Costa Blanca, Spain, who was dropped off for boarding at a pet store 5 months ago. His owner was supposedly taking a 9-day trip to the UK, but never reclaimed his bird.

Last month, the owner called the store and said he was coming for Charlie, but didn’t show up. The store left voicemail messages on his cell phone until the number went dead.

Charlie will only say his name and that he’s a “pretty boy.”

These two birds would be perfect in a parrot version of My Fair Lady – Yosuke as Henry Higgins and Charlie (in drag) as Eliza Doolittle.

Charlie and Yosuke could make show biz history singing, “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain,” and Charlie’s owner will rue the day he abandoned his bird.

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