ABC’s “Pooch Perfect” More Like “Dogs Dissed”

By Roc

On March 30, ABC launched Pooch Perfect, a new dog groomer unreality competition hosted by former dog-shower Rebel Wilson (who looks fabulous, Karen adds).

I could be catty and say that Max, Tony and I love seeing dogs humiliated on national television, but we’re bigger cats than that, so I’ll stay on the high perch. Also, I know that some Cats Working readers love both cats and dogs, and we don’t hold it against you.

(This isn’t to say that Tony and I wouldn’t be thrilled to give Max a break from our teasing if Karen ever brought home a “teacup” something we could kick around instead.)

PP follows a well-worn formula. The groomer contestants are pairs — mother-son, couples, BFFs, mentor-mentee — and they’re mostly weirdos, as humans go. Every week, one of them gets the boot for not defacing grooming a dog to the three judges’ exacting standards.

The only judge we know is Lisa Vanderpump because Karen forces a lot of lot BravoTV on us. We’re familiar with the ever-present posse of cute-but-spoiled mutts she uses to make herself seem less plastic.

The dogs on PP first show up unkempt and filthy. I don’t know if they come that way or if the producers rough them up backstage. Then the groomers have to give them makeovers according to themes.

In the first round, the groomers had dogs whom they were supposed to transform into versions of their own personal “heart dogs.” This was obviously an attempt to humanize the groomers so they don’t seem so much like frustrated graffiti artists. Most of the dogs came through that challenge relatively intact, although I think some got fake gems and sequins glued to their fur.

Then the elimination round was the Unleash the Beast Ulti-Mutt Challenge. The groomers had to turn another set of dogs into OTHER ANIMALS. This is where it turned cruel.

Things were done to those poor dogs that will take months — if not years — to grow out.

One dog was dyed black and white to look like a skunk. Another one was dyed fifty shades of pink to look like a flamingo…

Some of the dogs were even turned into cats — lions and leopards. You get the drift…

The dog named Best in Show was turned into a fish!..

The judges goaded Fish-Dog’s groomer into this by telling him in the first round that he wasn’t extreme enough. In addition to dying his dog clown colors, he shaved “scales” into the dog’s back. This was a technique several groomers used, shaving heart shapes down to the skin and then dying the hearts pink.

I must say, the dogs were incredibly good sports about it and nobody got bit — at least on camera. If they were shelter dogs, maybe they saw it as their best shot to get adopted. I can’t imagine any responsible owners would have volunteered their dogs for this ordeal. Lisa Vanderpump certainly didn’t let any of them lay a mitt on the dog she had with her.

Let me just state for the record that this show would NEVER be made with cats.

The groomer who got kicked off first “only” turned her dog into a fire ant by dying it red, shaving its legs and putting antennas on it…

PETA is already pissed about the whole concept, and we’re afraid of what’s coming next for more dogs as the groomers feel increasing pressure to outdo each other.

PS: We send Major Biden our thoughts and prayers. He’s taking a lot of heat at the White House just for doing his German Shepherd job. Max is working on a story now.

Major Biden

6 Responses to ABC’s “Pooch Perfect” More Like “Dogs Dissed”

  1. Anita says:

    Roc, that shows proves cats are way smarter than dogs. I can’t imagine a cat standing still for all of that.

    I didn’t quite know what that show was about but I certainly didn’t think it was about turning a dog into other things. Maybe that dye is temporary and will wash out. One only hopes!

    Yes and poor Major Biden. I had German Shepherds when as a child and they definitely have to be treated correctly early on. You will not be finding them sitting for any of those makeovers that’s for sure.

    Hope you Tony and Max have a wonderful weekend and maybe can hide some Easter eggs for Karen to find on Sunday. Not the hairball kind either please.

  2. catsworking says:

    Anita, Hahahahaha! That’s a good idea about the Easter Eggs. Karen likes those yucky Cadbury eggs with that stuff that looks like Laxatone in them. Maybe we can bat some of those under the fridge and sofa for her to dig out.

    Come to think of it, NONE of the dogs on that show was a German Shepherd, a pitbull, or a Doberman, or even a chihuahua. They must have picked dogs with reputations for being wimps.

    They could never find any cats with that rep.

    I hope the dye is temporary, too, but that shaving was definitely for real. Me and Max have never been shaved (Tony can’t remember if they shaved him when he was a sick tiny kitten), but Karen told us Yul had his whole back end buzzed when he got his tail amputated and it took many months to fill in. Meanwhille, he had to walk around with a drafty butt — and NO TAIL! (The tail never grew back.)

    We were reading today that the show got some bad backlash on Twitter, so maybe they’ll yank it before it finishes the season. They have 10 sets of groomers to get rid of, so what the hell desperate things might they be doing to mutilate perfectly good dogs by the time they get down to the final showdown? I shudder to think. -Roc

    PS: Hope you and your hubster have a great weekend, too. And don’t even THINK about shaving any dogs!

  3. Randi says:

    It’s sad that some people do this to their dogs, even if the color don’t harm them, they surely don’t enjoy it. So I completely agree with this “I can’t imagine any responsible owners would have volunteered their dogs for this ordeal.” Of course, cats wouldn’t put up with it, you would end up as minced meat.
    A different subject, still on animals… I know that many US presidents have had cats or dogs. Do you know who had cats and who had dogs? I’m pretty sure Trump didn’t have any, being the selfish bas#€% he is.

  4. catsworking says:

    Randi, Roc has come up with a concept for a similar show featuring cats, and he’ll probably write about it soon. I don’t think ABC will go for it, but he’s got some great ideas. I think he’s calling it “Catty-Gories”

    The Clintons had a black and white cat named Socks. The George W. Bush’s had a black cat named India, who was also called Willie. The Bushes also had two dogs, Barney and Mrs. Beazley. Jimmy Carter’s daughter Amy had a Siamese cat named Misty Malarky Ying Yang.

    The Obamas had (have?) two Portuguese water dogs named Bo and Sunny.

    The Bidens are supposed to get getting a cat in the White House, but no word on what type of cat it will be. Since they adopted Major from a shelter, I’m guessing they will also get a shelter cat rather than a purebred.

    My theory about Trump is that no one trusts him around animals because he probably tortured or killed them as a child. And since he has absolutely NO empathy for people, he would be extremely abusive to any animal, considering it too far beneath him for kindness.

  5. Randi says:

    Thanks for enlightening me on the presidents cats. I, too have a feeling that the Bidens will get a shelter cat. 🙂 And yes, Trump would be the worst to care for an animal. Any cat or dog would run away first chance!
    I look forward to reading about Roc’s Catty-Gories show – it would be fun if a TV channel would go for it., but with his writing, they might. 😀
    Ps. I have not been called in for a vaccination, yet.

  6. catsworking says:

    Randi, sorry to hear that you haven’t gotten your shot yet. I think I read something about Denmark having some vaccine problems?

    I was surprised I remembered so much about the presidents’ cats. There are old blog posts in the archives here about all of them (except for Carter’s, that was before blogs).

    I suspect that Trump is deathly afraid of dogs. He probably tried to torture one as a kid and it bit him, so now he hates them all. He talked about dogs a lot when he wanted to sound most degrading. “He whimpered like a dog,” “They cornered him like a dog.” “That woman looks like a dog.” He seems to think dogs represent everything bad. Which is why I’d love to see him locked in a room with Major Biden for 10 minutes. There would be nothing left of him (Trump, I mean).

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