On March 30, ABC launched Pooch Perfect, a new dog groomer unreality competition hosted by former dog-shower Rebel Wilson (who looks fabulous, Karen adds).
I could be catty and say that Max, Tony and I love seeing dogs humiliated on national television, but we’re bigger cats than that, so I’ll stay on the high perch. Also, I know that some Cats Working readers love both cats and dogs, and we don’t hold it against you.
(This isn’t to say that Tony and I wouldn’t be thrilled to give Max a break from our teasing if Karen ever brought home a “teacup” something we could kick around instead.)
PP follows a well-worn formula. The groomer contestants are pairs — mother-son, couples, BFFs, mentor-mentee — and they’re mostly weirdos, as humans go. Every week, one of them gets the boot for not
defacing grooming a dog to the three judges’ exacting standards.
The only judge we know is Lisa Vanderpump because Karen forces a lot of lot BravoTV on us. We’re familiar with the ever-present posse of cute-but-spoiled mutts she uses to make herself seem less plastic.
The dogs on PP first show up unkempt and filthy. I don’t know if they come that way or if the producers rough them up backstage. Then the groomers have to give them makeovers according to themes.
In the first round, the groomers had dogs whom they were supposed to transform into versions of their own personal “heart dogs.” This was obviously an attempt to humanize the groomers so they don’t seem so much like frustrated graffiti artists. Most of the dogs came through that challenge relatively intact, although I think some got fake gems and sequins glued to their fur.
Then the elimination round was the Unleash the Beast Ulti-Mutt Challenge. The groomers had to turn another set of dogs into OTHER ANIMALS. This is where it turned cruel.
Things were done to those poor dogs that will take months — if not years — to grow out.
One dog was dyed black and white to look like a skunk. Another one was dyed fifty shades of pink to look like a flamingo…
Some of the dogs were even turned into cats — lions and leopards. You get the drift…
The dog named Best in Show was turned into a fish!..
The judges goaded Fish-Dog’s groomer into this by telling him in the first round that he wasn’t extreme enough. In addition to dying his dog clown colors, he shaved “scales” into the dog’s back. This was a technique several groomers used, shaving heart shapes down to the skin and then dying the hearts pink.
I must say, the dogs were incredibly good sports about it and nobody got bit — at least on camera. If they were shelter dogs, maybe they saw it as their best shot to get adopted. I can’t imagine any responsible owners would have volunteered their dogs for this ordeal. Lisa Vanderpump certainly didn’t let any of them lay a mitt on the dog she had with her.
Let me just state for the record that this show would NEVER be made with cats.
The groomer who got kicked off first “only” turned her dog into a fire ant by dying it red, shaving its legs and putting antennas on it…
PETA is already pissed about the whole concept, and we’re afraid of what’s coming next for more dogs as the groomers feel increasing pressure to outdo each other.
PS: We send Major Biden our thoughts and prayers. He’s taking a lot of heat at the White House just for doing his German Shepherd job. Max is working on a story now.