Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big?

By Karen

No, that’s not the opening of a joke, but the title of a new diet book for cats by feline humor writer Dena Harris, who claims, “In less time than it takes to cough up a hairball, you too can be fit, feline, and fabulous!”

DoesThisCollar

I think this is the most comprehensive diet book on the market today for cats, and Harris recommends various popular diets according to specific cat types, such as comatose, OCD, ADD, chronic dieter, and psycho kitties.

(My own recent regimen is recommended for chronic dieters in a chapter entitled, “Catty Craig Versus Weight Stalkers.”)

Harris begins with a Quizzzz to help kitties identify their type, with questions like:

When I eat, I most resemble a

a. DustBuster (compact, goes everywhere, picks up every last bit)
b. Dyson Vacuum Cleaner (innovative technology!)
c. Shop-Vac (works on wet or dry food — industrial strength!)
d. Pimped-up Hoover (powerful suction!)

I’ve always wondered if my pink and silver sparkly collar makes my butt look big, but after reading Dena’s book, I now feel confident it doesn’t. Between the calories I expend dodging my two dimwitted “brothers” and plotting ways to kill them, I manage to stay fit and fabulous from every angle. —Adele

Harris also has exercise recommendations to help flabby felines feel the burn, such as Psycho Kitty Workouts, which include paragliding off kitchen countertops, freefalling off doors and cabinets and, of course, the three-hour nap.

One morning I woke up to discover that overnight I had gone from lithe kitten to tomcat with an embarrassing pooch looks like a furry fanny pack. This book inspired me to kick my favorite sport of door-slamming up a notch because I now realize that it not only scares the bejeebers out of Karen, but every time I lunge for (and miss) the doorknob, I’m working my triceps, gluts, and abs and getting a great slam. It’s a win-win!  —Max

Cats will be inspired by the tail tale of Madame Puss, a slender French chatte who acquired the eating habits of Americans who adopted her, with predictable results. When her owner had to glue 2 flea collars together to fit her, Puss took matters into her own paws to restore balance and her joie de purr. Her Magical Eek! Soup is made from chewed food, dust bunnies, and dog’s blood. But rather than eat it, you let your human think it’s souris (mouse) guts and lavish treats on you for being such a fit hunter.

This book is really thorough, so I was surprised Dena didn’t include my diet secret. I call it “The Chipmunk Chew,” and here’s how it works: Stuff kibble in your face until your cheeks bulge. Then chew slowly while sauntering all over the house, dribbling a trail of spitty kibble. By the time the mouthful is swallowed, you’ve left half of it on the floor. You cut calories while getting an aerobic workout, and your human gets some cardio while cleaning up after you. That’s how I stay on the good side of the vet’s scale. —Cole

As you can see, this book has got the Cats Working kitties all abuzz. Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big? has some laugh-out-loud moments and is a high-quality hardcover by Ten Speed Press, retailing for $12.99.

Cats Working gives Dena Harris 12 paws up — and a bag of Temptations® treats.

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4 Responses to Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big?

  1. Marina says:

    Hilarious! I needed that laugh today. Thanks, Karen!

  2. Zappa's Mom says:

    On a completely unrelated note,”Mr Selfridge” is being repeated from the beginning tonight. I think I’m going to give it another chance as I am now caught up on “Breaking Bad” I live a VERY exciting life,

  3. catsworking says:

    ZM, I wanted to see Mr. Selfridge myself, but I think I was just leaving on a cruise when it started, so I missed it. I’ve also considered binge-watching Breaking Bad, since the ending of the series is SUCH A BIG DEAL.

    I am currently in mourning over the loss of Dexter (not physically, the series) and Newsroom. But Homeland starts this weekend, so I’m happy.

    Regret to report that I have yet to see a minute of Parts Unknown’s new season, but it’s on the DVR waiting for me. Sorry, but Dexter had to come first.

  4. adele says:

    Dorothy is hounding (catting?) me to buy her the book. She manages to stay fairly trim by running through the house for no reason and catching moths. They tend to get in when I have the door open to bring in groceries, and this year there’ve been some real whoppers. Dorothy almost always brings them down, although not always without breakage.

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