The other day while wandering through Dillard’s lingerie department, pulling up the straps on my new Soma bamboo 38DDD bra every 10 seconds and trying not to flinch at the underwires’ incessant poking, I noticed cup sizes like F, G, and H.
Just then, a lovely saleswoman named Margaret asked if she could help me.
Could she EVER!!
Margaret measured me and quickly fetched several styles and sizes for me to try on. One size she immediately eliminated was 38DDD.
Turns out I’m a 36H. Now, you’d think an H cup would be HUGE, but it looks smaller than that Soma job. And for the first time in years, the top half of the cup isn’t empty, and there’s no boob bulging out the top, bottom, or sides.
Here are some ways to tell you’re wearing the wrong bra…
- The straps fall.
- The “bridge” on an underwire between your breasts doesn’t lie against your chest. I’m guessing 99.9% of you reading right now in underwires have floating bridges.
- You can hook the bra in front, then spin it around.
- Your nipples are down by your elbows, or heading there.
- It rides up when you lift your arms, or your boobs spill out the bottom.
My new Wacoal underwire completely corrals “the girls.” But I’m not happy that it’s so tight overall, I’ve developed a mild case of muffin back. However, my nipples are sitting at mid-upper arm, all my shirts suddenly feel several inches looser, and the bra doesn’t move when I reach for things on top shelves in the kitchen.
Raising the boobage above waist level takes years off, and now I can run without knocking myself unconscious.
But wearing a “nonstandard” bra has downsides (besides being nearly impossible to find)…
- It’s frightfully expensive – in the $50-75 range. Bra makers say you’re supposed to replace them every 6 months because the elastic goes. At those prices, it’s not bloody likely.
- The weight is now all on my shoulders, so I’m expecting deep grooves.
- The higher cut to contain the underarm boobage chafes.
On the other hand, getting out of the damn thing at the end of the day has never felt so wonderful!
I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and skewer on their own underwires the Soma saleslady and all the others I’ve met over the years who cheerily stuffed me into ill-fitting bras and pretended dumpy was my perfect “look.” Shame on them all.