Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

By Cole

Everyone in the gun control debate seems to agree that crazy people shouldn’t have guns. But Senator John McCain thinks assault weapons shouldn’t be banned.

I think McCain’s opinion is symptomatic of mental illness. Anyone who believes private citizens should have the means to commit mass murder in a minute is a sick bastard.

Similarly, hunters who think they should, need to, or just enjoy shooting innocent animals for sport have mental issues (and probably really small penises).

Also of questionable sanity are those who think they need arsenals in their homes from which crazy people can steal (see Nancy Lanza, the gun nut who facilitated the Newtowne massacre and found herself dead, thanks to one of her own guns).

This may surprise you, but I’m OK with private citizens owning one small gun that fires one bullet at a time — that’s all they need to stop an intruder. BUT, they should have a license, a thorough background check showing no history of violence or crime, AND they should complete periodic, mandatory gun training to earn and renew their license.

Some guns are called “assault weapons” because victims have no chance against them. By the same token, SUVs are “assault vehicles” and instruments of death.

The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license.

Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.

But SUVs are as impractical for citizens as home arsenals. They hog EVERYTHING — the materials they’re made of, gas, roads, parking spaces. They’re an utter waste.

But you see SUVs everywhere because enough nuts initially bought them to make sane people feel compelled to do likewise — IN SELF-DEFENSE.

Gun sales spike after each massacre in a self-defensive response. (Nuts jobs use massacres as excuses to bulk up their arsenals.)

The only way we’re ever going to stem this country’s rising tide of mayhem is to forcibly insist on civility for all.

People need to scream for bans on assault weapons and ownership of multiple weapons. Limiting the type and number of firearms people can have violates NOTHING in the Second Amendment.

The government can take another baby step back from the fiscal cliff by taxing the hell out of bullets to make them prohibitively expensive. It can also tax the hell out of SUV sales to make regular cars all most people can afford.

Want the answer to my riddle? A gun is like an SUV because NOBODY, besides active military in a war zone, needs to have either one.

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10 Responses to Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

  1. annie pelfrey says:

    agree with you on SUVs- um, we all grew up with station wagons. now people say they feel safer in bigger vehicles.
    Hummers are the most obnoxious!

  2. britta says:

    Happy New Year Cole

    You have set the stage for reflection and because I cant resist, some comment…and that is what a good blog does. SUV – well I have to admit that the 11 year old Rodeo is sitting in my drive is a result of too many games of russion parking lot roulette trying to pull out of a space between two monster SUVs in my 97 Accura coupe and being totally blinded, praying there was nothing coming. If taxation severely reduces the prominence of SUVs on our roadways, I will gladly buy a tiny, fuel efficient vehicle. For now, my nonprofit salary prohibits a car payment altogether.

    On other fronts, interesting that you reference a penis. It has long been known that castration or other attempts to inhibit use of a penis to commit rape is not an effective deterrant or cure because the intent to rape is rooted in psychological/emotional illness. A rapist will use whatever extension of their appendix available to accomplish that task…however grisely and true that happens to be.

    As for the intent of a disturbed individual to accomplish mass murderer, Tim McVeigh and Ted Kaczynski (and countless others) preferred readily available incendiary devices.

    I am furious that folks have weapons in their homes when they also have someone with mental illness residing with them. Unfortunately, we cant charge Mom with negligence but we sure should be taking a look at Dad. Did he not know his son was ill and his former wife was a weapons enthusiast? Think Columbine too. How would assault laws changed the outcome for Gabby Giffords and friends? Movie theater guy could have just entered the theater and lobbed a bunch of explosives into the crowd with similar or even worse outcomes.

    We don’t have any means to monitor those in our society who fly below the radar and habor malice and evil intent. But there were signs observed by others who had contact with movie theater guy and with the child killer. Why is there no mechanism for reporting these observations?

    No easy solution ….just my thoughts.

  3. annie pelfrey says:

    totally agree with Brita.

  4. catsworking says:

    annie and britta, every time Karen drives away in her little Saturn, I wonder if I will ever see her again (don’t tell her I said that). The SUVs and monster trucks outnumber regular cars around here by a big margin. Karen says it’s not unusual to find herself trapped in a parking lot surrounded by 3 behemoths so she can’t see in any direction to get herself out of the space without risking getting her trunk knocked off by ANOTHER SUV barreling past behind her as she tries to inch out blind.

    That’s another charming habit of Richmond drivers. When they see someone trying to leave a parking space and can’t see the driver’s face (which means the driver can’t see THEM), they think they have the right of way to pass behind the vehicle, even if it means they get themselves T-boned.

    If it were just the nuts buying SUVs, that would be one thing, but now so many normal people have bought them just to feel safe from the nuts, the roads are full of SUVs and you can’t tell who is who anymore.

    britta, you make a good point about the crazy ones flying under the radar. As long as families continue to rationalize their behavior (and the country refuses to recognize mental illness as something insurance should cover), there’s no way to get control of the problem. And even with stricter gun laws, there are always other means of mass murder. But that doesn’t mean we just throw up our hands and say the status quo is OK.

    Every gun we take out of circulation is a victory. In this morning’s paper was a story of a 4-year-old here in Richmond who seriously shot a 50-something man because some idiot had left a loaded gun on the table and the kid picked it up thinking it was a toy and fired it.

    In situations like that, I say confiscate every f**king gun that family owns and issue a court order prohibiting them from ever buying another one.

  5. britta says:

    Amen on the court order thing but I can only imagine the backlash about constitutional rights and NRA lobbiests. UGH
    Thanks for understanding about the SUV thing….yup, no eye contact and they’ll plow right over you.

  6. britta says:

    Oh and in line with the mental illness thing, NPR had a big wheel psycho guy from Columbia U or somewhere reporting today that monitoring the mentally ill for risk of tendencies to commit mass murder to some authority would violate patient confidentiality and possibly deter folks from discussing their evil thoughts. Apparently some legislation was introduced. His thoughts echoed Karen’s. I still think we need psych evals and better screening of purchases. Cops go through thorough evals to join the force (not that lots of those folks manage to fly under the radar undetected too) but something has to give!

  7. britta says:

    Oops..boy is the kindle predictive typing a pain. The guy from Columbia was a Psychologist …not a psycho

  8. Zappa's Mom says:

    heeheehee…I liked the way Britta originally had it with “psycho”

  9. MorganLF says:

    Phooey, gun nuts are now pointing to “mental health ” as the problem. If you need magazine clips and assault weapons to define your constitutional rights then you are a no dick a hole.

    When the constitution was written it was about throwing off the yolk of a sovereign nation with the right to defend your property by raising a militia……with muskets.

    You whiny aholes that think an assault weapons ban is about mental health issues are fucking nuts!

    Get over it people kill people, why make the tools more efficient? Only small dick weenies cling to their multiple round magazines….

  10. annie pelfrey says:

    Karen , i’m with you on pulling out of parking spaces! also, i’m only 5′ 1″, and hope i don’t get run over walking behind those behemoths!

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