Tareq Salahi, Governor of Virginia?

By Cole

Republicans have sealed their lock on lunatics. Tarsq Salahi intends to run for governor of Virginia as a Republican.

Back in 2009, Salahi is the guy who draped a bleached stick figure named Michaele over his arm and crashed an Obama White House soirée. The couple then went on to make The Real Housewives of DC all about them and got it canceled after one season.

Tareq’s unexpected plunge into politics is undoubtedly to win back Michaele, who’s now his ex after running off last year to shack up with a craggy guitarist named Neal Schon from the rock group Journey.

Tareq is suing Schon for $50 million for theft of Tareq’s arm candy. Virginia’s Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli, is suing Tareq for ripping off people who bought bogus tours of his winery, which once belonged to Tareq’s parents, and which Tareq helped to bankrupt.

Since Michaele is also a publicity hound to the core, the governor’s mansion is the right bait to recatch her. That is, if Tareq had a prayer of winning the election.

Virginians may be known for thinking backward, but they’re not stupid.

But just for grins, let’s imagine Governor Salahi…

First, he’d appoint himself head of the Office of Tourism and fix the books so any earnings on tours of the Capital of the Confederacy would flow to him.

Then, on the side, he’d pitch a boffo reality series to Bravo, with potential to become a 50-show franchise. The pilot would be The Real Governor of Virginia. Cameras would follow Tareq 24/7, signing legislation, composing decrees, and giving speeches to guide Virginia through it’s most pressing problem — keeping the Civil War alive.

Meanwhile, Michaele, sprawled alone on a stained Motel 6 bedspread while her lover played a gig, would watch her former abuser the governor on TV. She’d resolve to win him back by reducing her daily intake of iceberg lettuce and losing that unsightly bulge at her hips that refuses to budge — her pelvic bones.

She’d become so despondent over leaving Tareq when so much of their potential to live on other people’s money was still untapped, her relationship with the rocker would implode. One night he’d kick her off his bus on a lonely stretch somewhere in Dixie, like an unwanted cat.

And then Tareq’s dream would come true: Answering a weak, hollow tap on his bedroom door, he’d find a skeleton standing there.

Michaele, home at last!

Emboldened by the woman he loves once again by his side, Tareq would announce his intention to run for the Senate, the Salahis’ next step toward living in the White House they once got kicked out of.

15 Responses to Tareq Salahi, Governor of Virginia?

  1. adele says:

    Gee Cole, in Illinois, our governors just get indicted, and at least 3 out of the last 7 have served or are serving jail sentences. In fact I just read that Blagoevich will be teaching Shakespeare in his Colorado prison.

    But you Virginians are just so much more colorful. I think you’re right that Tareq is doing this to win Michaele back. But at least you have Hank the Cat running for senate, and may I say, he’s running the classiest campaign around.

  2. Bacardi1 says:

    Thanks “Cole” for so eloquently stating what I was absolutely, positively far too speechless to form words for when I read this earth-shattering news the other day.

  3. Bacardi1 says:

    Oh, & just a FYI – not that it matters much – but it’s “Tareq”, not “Tariq”.

  4. catsworking says:

    Bacardi, thanks very much for pointing out the misspelling. Cats Working aims for accuracy. I don’t know how I overlooked that. That will teach me to let Max be my proofreader (just kidding, Maxey!). I think I’ve corrected it everywhere now.

    Really, the guy CAN’T seriously think he has a shot at the governorship. His whole life is a skeleton in the closet. And I’m not even talking about Michaele.

    Adele, governors of Illinois seem to be really good at crime. In Virginia, they’re just bat-shit crazy and don’t make a dime off it.

    Yes, we do have Hank trying to raise the level of discourse in politics. He has agreed to be interviewed by Cats Working, too, but Max is doing it and Karen has been too busy with work lately to help him polish his questions.

  5. Bacardi1 says:

    One can only hope it’s just yet another publicity stunt. Thanks to the idiocy of state politicians everywhere, I’m running out of states I might want to consider running away to – lol!

  6. Zappa's Mom says:

    There are a number of out of work Secret Service agents who could do security for him,should he win

  7. catsworking says:

    Bacardi, since becoming world-wide stars in reality TV didn’t pan out, what other path to the public eye did Tareq have but politics? We should have seen it coming.

    ZM, I’m sure those Secret Service guys would just LOVE being posted to Salahi’s winery, way out in the middle of nowhere. They could drink themselves silly and screw hookers every day and nobody would notice.

  8. adele says:

    Except it seems there are no longer grapes at Salahi’s winery. Remember the grape stomping scene in Real Housewives of DC –they were stomping store-bought grapes.

  9. Zappa's Mom says:

    Holy crap! Store bought grapes?

  10. catsworking says:

    Adele, you’re right! I remember that episode. The Salahis invited all the other housewives out to the winery, and grape-stomping was one of the planned activities. Everyone quickly realized that the grapes came from the grocery store. They couldn’t even be honest about freaking GRAPES! If the lies those 2 have told were stacked in a pile, it would be taller than the new 1,776-foot World Trade Center.

  11. PALADIN says:

    Be sure to visit the unofficial official Facebook page of TAREQ SALAHI FOR VIRGINIA GOVERNOR.


  12. catsworking says:

    Welcome, PALADIN! Checked out Facebook and saw that somebody QUOTED and linked to this post, and it got 7 likes and some favorable comments.

    Now, if only we could go viral, like that lady who did with a rather pedestrian Olive Garden review and ended up with a book deal…

  13. PALADIN says:

    Also, you may find this video (as well as other videos produced by the same group) amusing:

  14. catsworking says:

    PALADIN, the video was BRILLIANT! I laughed up a hairball (thank you, I needed that) and Karen spewed the General Tso’s Chicken she was having for lunch all over the screen.

    I wonder what Hitler would think of Governor Bob McDonnell becoming Romney’s VP pick? Although McDonnell would probably make a devoted Renfield, protecting Mitt’s cover as a creature of the night, I just can’t see him as a national leader.

  15. PALADIN says:

    Glad you enjoyed that little diddy. Also be sure to watch & like the other 6 Salahi videos on my Youtube channel, WJRESQ. My personal favorite is “Ho Missy, Where Art Thou?”, just for the antique effect. As Tareq is fond of saying, Cheers!

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