Republicans have sealed their lock on lunatics. Tarsq Salahi intends to run for governor of Virginia as a Republican.
Back in 2009, Salahi is the guy who draped a bleached stick figure named Michaele over his arm and crashed an Obama White House soirée. The couple then went on to make The Real Housewives of DC all about them and got it canceled after one season.
Tareq’s unexpected plunge into politics is undoubtedly to win back Michaele, who’s now his ex after running off last year to shack up with a craggy guitarist named Neal Schon from the rock group Journey.
Tareq is suing Schon for $50 million for theft of Tareq’s arm candy. Virginia’s Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli, is suing Tareq for ripping off people who bought bogus tours of his winery, which once belonged to Tareq’s parents, and which Tareq helped to bankrupt.
Since Michaele is also a publicity hound to the core, the governor’s mansion is the right bait to recatch her. That is, if Tareq had a prayer of winning the election.
Virginians may be known for thinking backward, but they’re not stupid.
But just for grins, let’s imagine Governor Salahi…
First, he’d appoint himself head of the Office of Tourism and fix the books so any earnings on tours of the Capital of the Confederacy would flow to him.
Then, on the side, he’d pitch a boffo reality series to Bravo, with potential to become a 50-show franchise. The pilot would be The Real Governor of Virginia. Cameras would follow Tareq 24/7, signing legislation, composing decrees, and giving speeches to guide Virginia through it’s most pressing problem — keeping the Civil War alive.
Meanwhile, Michaele, sprawled alone on a stained Motel 6 bedspread while her lover played a gig, would watch her former abuser the governor on TV. She’d resolve to win him back by reducing her daily intake of iceberg lettuce and losing that unsightly bulge at her hips that refuses to budge — her pelvic bones.
She’d become so despondent over leaving Tareq when so much of their potential to live on other people’s money was still untapped, her relationship with the rocker would implode. One night he’d kick her off his bus on a lonely stretch somewhere in Dixie, like an unwanted cat.
And then Tareq’s dream would come true: Answering a weak, hollow tap on his bedroom door, he’d find a skeleton standing there.
Michaele, home at last!
Emboldened by the woman he loves once again by his side, Tareq would announce his intention to run for the Senate, the Salahis’ next step toward living in the White House they once got kicked out of.