Tareq Salahi, Governor of Virginia?

April 26, 2012

By Cole

Republicans have sealed their lock on lunatics. Tarsq Salahi intends to run for governor of Virginia as a Republican.

Back in 2009, Salahi is the guy who draped a bleached stick figure named Michaele over his arm and crashed an Obama White House soirée. The couple then went on to make The Real Housewives of DC all about them and got it canceled after one season.

Tareq’s unexpected plunge into politics is undoubtedly to win back Michaele, who’s now his ex after running off last year to shack up with a craggy guitarist named Neal Schon from the rock group Journey.

Tareq is suing Schon for $50 million for theft of Tareq’s arm candy. Virginia’s Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli, is suing Tareq for ripping off people who bought bogus tours of his winery, which once belonged to Tareq’s parents, and which Tareq helped to bankrupt.

Since Michaele is also a publicity hound to the core, the governor’s mansion is the right bait to recatch her. That is, if Tareq had a prayer of winning the election.

Virginians may be known for thinking backward, but they’re not stupid.

But just for grins, let’s imagine Governor Salahi…

First, he’d appoint himself head of the Office of Tourism and fix the books so any earnings on tours of the Capital of the Confederacy would flow to him.

Then, on the side, he’d pitch a boffo reality series to Bravo, with potential to become a 50-show franchise. The pilot would be The Real Governor of Virginia. Cameras would follow Tareq 24/7, signing legislation, composing decrees, and giving speeches to guide Virginia through it’s most pressing problem — keeping the Civil War alive.

Meanwhile, Michaele, sprawled alone on a stained Motel 6 bedspread while her lover played a gig, would watch her former abuser the governor on TV. She’d resolve to win him back by reducing her daily intake of iceberg lettuce and losing that unsightly bulge at her hips that refuses to budge — her pelvic bones.

She’d become so despondent over leaving Tareq when so much of their potential to live on other people’s money was still untapped, her relationship with the rocker would implode. One night he’d kick her off his bus on a lonely stretch somewhere in Dixie, like an unwanted cat.

And then Tareq’s dream would come true: Answering a weak, hollow tap on his bedroom door, he’d find a skeleton standing there.

Michaele, home at last!

Emboldened by the woman he loves once again by his side, Tareq would announce his intention to run for the Senate, the Salahis’ next step toward living in the White House they once got kicked out of.

Breivik, Zimmerman: Birds of a Feather

April 18, 2012

By Cole

It’s an unfortunate bit of timing for Florida gunman George Zimmerman that Norway’s most infamous mass-murderer, Anders Breivik, is on trial now. Breivik is claiming he killed 77 people in “self-defense.”

Scandinavians on the whole tend to be more open to abstract notions like mental illness — and other concepts that involve tolerance for human frailty — like healthcare for everyone, helping the poor, accepting homosexuals, and not letting every nut own a gun.

So after they’ve given Breivik the opportunity to deliver his unapologetic, long-winded rant about his reasons, which he hopes will prove that he’s not crazy, the Norwegian court may rule that anyone who arms himself to pursue strangers going about their business who have never harmed him or anyone he knows, and mows them down on the mere chance that they someday might harm him, is indeed crazy.

Breivik apparently thinks he was protecting Norway from a Muslim invasion, justifying his killing on such a grand scale.

Zimmerman thinks he was protecting only his gated community, so he killed just one teenager — Trayvon Martin.

But the rationale behind both men’s behavior was EXACTLY the same.

Given the U.S.’s lack of gun control, under the right circumstances and delusions of peril, could any Zimmerman type go “Breivik”?

I say yes.

If Zimmerman isn’t found guilty of 2nd-degree murder, at the very least he should be deemed insane for thinking he needed a gun at the grocery store — his original destination.

To all you shooting enthusiasts out there (Cheney and NRA members, I’m looking at you), you might want to get a better grip on the difference between “defense” and “offense” before you point your ill-gotten, yet constitutionally-protected, weapons at your next victims.

Women, Don’t Let Ann Romney Con You

April 16, 2012

By Adele

Last week, Hilary Rosen got the White House and mama grizzlies’ knickers in a knot when she said on CNN that Ann Romney “never worked a day in her life.”

Rosen could have avoided being shish-kabobbed if she’d just added “outside the home” to be closer to the truth.

Ann Romney’s outside activities seem to have been confined to not-for-profit endeavors and sitting on boards.

Mitt anointed Ann his “expert” on women’s economic concerns. She’s got her finger on the pulse of working women — from one of her Cadillacs, her horses, or any of her several homes — while being supported by her millionaire husband.

(BTW, in January, Mitt said in New Hampshire that poor women don’t deserve to be stay-at-home moms because they need the “dignity” of work. I wonder how he thinks women married to millionaires acquire “dignity?”)

Instead of trying to have it all, Ann Romney chose the June Cleaver path. She laid back, using insufficient birth control, and popped out a litter of 5.

She never ran with the big dogs in Corporate America to learn what she’s worth in hard workplace cash. She’s never had to worry about being fired or laid off and losing her healthcare, being paid less than a man for the same work, or not earning enough to keep her kids in their private schools.

That’s what makes her so QUALIFIED to spout off about women’s financial concerns — NOT.

Face it. Ann’s as eerily out of touch as Mitt. You’d think they both spent the last century sleeping in matching coffins.

It’s a shame Rosen apologized to appease outraged mommies when she was actually DEFENDING the employed ones — the breadwinners who know how much a gallon of gas costs.

No one disputes that staying home with kids is hard work — especially without a nanny, cook, or maid. But at home you ARE the big cheese who calls all the shots. You don’t get fired for screwing up. And you do it all on SOMEONE ELSE’S MONEY.

Instead of seeing Ann “Everywoman” Romney as the hollow façade she is, mothers are rallying around her, even as Ann schemes with her husband to stab them in the back if he wins, denying them basic female healthcare and the right to earn as much as men. Not to mention gutting education and vital programs to help them and their children through hard times.

But the 800-lb. gorilla that NOBODY dares to mention is that this whole brouhaha probably has its roots in the Romneys’ basic Mormon belief in the subservience of women. Do you really think they DON’T see it as doing God’s work to set women’s rights back to the 1800s?

BONUSES: Linda Hirschman’s opinion in the Washington Post.

A male perspective from blogger Bud Meyers.

Will Justice Turn the Tables on Zimmerman?

April 13, 2012

By Cole

Going rogue this week didn’t work out so well for George Zimmerman. He’s finally where he’s belonged since killing Trayvon Martin on February 26 — in jail.

Zimmerman has a new lawyer, Mark O’Mara, and they’ve actually met. Wisely, upon Zimmerman’s first appearance in court yesterday, O’Mara refrained from trying to get Zimmerman sprung on bail. Apparently, O’Mara realized how a quick bounce in and out of the slammer for George would go over with everyone who’s been watching this outrageous case unfold. But Zimmerman does have a bail hearing tentatively scheduled for April 20.

The option of lamming it to Peru is probably looking better to Zimmerman by the minute.

Trayvon’s mother said on the Today Show that she thinks the killing was an “accident.” That upset some people, so she clarified that the accident was really Zimmerman and Trayvon crossing paths at all.

I don’t think Zimmerman planned to shoot Trayvon when he ignored the dispatcher, left his SUV, and pursued the kid. I think Zimmerman just wanted to give his undersized cojones a self-esteem boost. He intended to bully and scare the bejesus out of a black kid to make him an example for the others he believed had “gotten away.”

What Zimmerman mis-estimated was Trayvon’s reaction, which apparently was to instinctively “stand his ground” and fight back. And that’s when Zimmerman lost control of the situation and things turned deadly.

Since Zimmerman was indisputably the instigator (proven during his 911 call) of a confrontation with an unarmed boy who was committing no crime, I hope the tables turn in court and Zimmerman finds that pre-arming himself and engaging in unwarranted pursuit of a minor made Trayvon the one protected by the Stand Your Ground law, fully justifying any injuries Zimmerman claims Trayvon inflicted on him.

Maybe a nice long prison sentence for Zimmerman will make the next gun-toting Barney Fife wannabe think twice.

George Zimmerman Goes Rogue

April 11, 2012

By Cole

What would you do if the world thought you shot an unarmed kid in cold blood and the police let you get away with it?

Go on the lam, of course.

And that’s apparently what George Zimmerman has done while authorities try to wrap their heads around the facts that it wasn’t a crime for 17-year-old Trayvon Martin to walk to 7-Eleven — but it WAS a crime for an armed Zimmerman to pursue Trayvon for no reason and ultimately kill him.

As it turns out, Zimmerman’s so-called “lawyers,” who have been staunchly proclaiming “their client’s” innocence all over the media, have never actually laid eyes on him. And now that Zimmerman’s stopped returning their phone calls, texts, and emails, and seems to have left Florida, they’re “withdrawing” from “representing” him.

If this case has brought out anything besides a bad rash of racial tension, it’s media hounds seeking 15 minutes of fame as Zimmerman apologists.

Apparently, Sean Hannity got first crack at a phone interview with Zimmerman, but nobody knows what they talked about. Hannity’s saving it for his show — as entertainment. Gotta love Faux News.

Zimmerman also tried to contact Angela Corey, the special prosecutor who has decided to single-handedly decree the next step (to bring charges or to say “let’s just forget it”) because she thinks grand juries are too fickle. But she required George have representation, which he apparently never did.

Meanwhile, Zimmerman’s on the loose. He presumably has relatives on his mother’s side in Peru, so I bet he gets a second chance to start over — which is WAY more than Trayvon got.

PS: If you’re interested in helping to finance Zimmerman’s new life, visit his website. He’s soliciting donations for living expenses and legal fees for lawyers who were working pro-bono whom he refused to meet.

HILARIOUSLY, Zimmerman included this easy-to-miss quote by Edmund Burke, partially obscured by the American flag background…

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men do nothing.

Apparently, he thinks Trayvon or all the people now wanting justice in his memory are “evil.”

So let’s set Zimmerman straight on that concept. “Evil” is…

1) When nuts with itchy trigger fingers are allowed to walk among us armed.

2) That the Sanford police apparently believe there’s a legal hunting season for young black males and don’t question their killers.

Happy Birthday to Me!

April 9, 2012

By Max

My first birthday. You haven’t seen a lot of me lately because I’ve been busy growing up, so let me fill you in…

I got the one thing I wanted most for my birthday — a new feather for Da Bird. I chewed the old one down to a nubbin and it stopped making that swishy sound that turns even Cole into a relentless predator.

Here’s my old Da Bird and my latest attempt at origami.

I’d love to show you my incredible gymnastic feats with Da Bird, but Karen can’t operate the camera and spot me at once.

So here I am resting with my birthday present.

This happens to be a BIG week for Cats Working birthdays, with Adele’s on April 11 and Cole’s on April 15.

It seems since I arrived, Adele has developed a severe case of kitty-perch envy. So for her birthday she got a perch of her own (a few days early). When Karen dragged it in, Adele understood immediately it was for her and claimed possession like a maniac.

Adele was so berserko, you'd think the perch was made of 'nip.

But Cole had to butt in and be a buzz-kill. I’ve grown to realize that growing up in the joint left Cole pretty socially dysfunctional. It makes me thankful I got sprung as a kitten.

Cole’s either brave or crazy. You couldn’t PAY me to go there.

Cole and I get along OK. In fact, he’s a protective big brother, except when he gets carried away impersonating Mitt Romney and bites my neck.

Cole even lets me hang out with him on his special zebra pillow.

Adele accepted Cole’s rude intrusion with surprising grace, and even let him test-drive the perch for a while.

But she kept an eye on Cole to prevent any possible sabotage.

So now we all have our own hangouts and things are already feeling a bit calmer around here.

I bet you’re wondering what’s on TV. Lawrence Welk!

Remember one of my first kitten pictures, when Karen snapped me sacked out in that bed in her office? Well, here’s how I fill it out today.

Karen knitted these cat blankies when she was a TEENAGER, and they're still cozy!

These days, I usually spend mornings helping Karen out around the office. Adele likes to pay a visit after lunch, so I split to the man cave until dinnertime.

Karen says I’m too furry to make a good paperweight.

Every house with cats should have beams like ours.

The ultimate kitty perch.

And in the evening after dinner, I like to watch a little tube with Karen. Here I am with Cole’s Teddy, watching a program about Titanic.

It SANK? And wasted perfectly good RATS? Are you KIDDING ME?!

That’s about it. I wanted to show you how old I am like a typical little kid, but it won’t work with a paw until I’m a few years older.

OK, I can’t count with this thing, so show me again which finger I use to give somebody “the claw.”

PS: Cats Working sends a big “Happy Birthday” to Ariane Bourdain, who turns 5 years old today. Who knew we’d have the same birthday?

Bourdain Meets Jon Stewart TONIGHT

April 5, 2012

By Karen

I apologize to Cole for pre-empting his post, but I just learned that Anthony Bourdain is Jon Stewart’s guest tonight on The Daily Show (Comedy Central, 11 p.m. ET), and wanted to let any Bourdainiacs who still read Cats Working to know. I’ve been waiting for this particular match-up for a long time.

I just hope Stewart gets Tony to talk about something besides food.

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