Rick Perry v. Virginia

December 30, 2011

By Cole

Virginia’s GOP presidential primary is March 6. The only candidates on the ballot will be Ron Paul and Mitt Romney, in that order. They drew straws or something because our GOP has no truck with voodoo spelling like alphabetical order.

Here are the main rules for getting on the Virginia ballot:

  • Collect 10,000 valid signatures from Virginia voters.
  • Signatures must include at least 400 names each from the 11 congressional districts (that’s 4,400 of the names).
  • People gathering signatures must be legal residents and eligible to vote.

See anything unfair or hard about this?

Paul and Romney did it with a few thousand signatures to spare, but it proved too much for Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich. (The other wannabes didn’t bother to try.)

Perry’s gatherers weren’t all Virginia residents, so some of his signatures were tossed out. Now Perry is suing Virginia in federal court to block the ballots from being printed until his name is included.

This puts Virginia in a bind because Perry’s hearing isn’t until January 13 and the ballots have to be printed and mailed to absentee voters 45 days before the primary.

Gingrich, who lives in Virginia, shrugged off his disqualification, saying one of his gatherers made up a bunch of names. He thought he could still win as a write-in candidate.

Joke’s on Newt. Virginia doesn’t count write-in votes in primaries.

But Newt’s still unperturbed. He probably expects to transcend mortal voting and ascend to the presidency by divine intervention. Hey, if the Supreme Court could do it for George Bush, why not?

What Rick Perry is GUARANTEED if his litigation prevails is a dead-last finish in Virginia. For all his big talk about states’ rights, he has shown the country he won’t hesitate to use federal power to stomp any state that personally crosses him.

But what I don’t get is why ANY of these primaries mean anything to anybody. They serve no purpose but to help the media fill time they’d otherwise use airing YouTube videos and tweets.

Who cares what a handful of nitwits in Iowa, New Hampshire, or Virginia think? The only special insight they have comes from partisan commercials and robocalls.

So go ahead, Perry. Sue the pants off Virginia and consummate your political suicide. You picked a nice spot for it.

Maxing Out on Christmas

December 22, 2011

By Max

I’m 8 months old now, and for my first Christmas ever, I’m discovering I landed in a home where Christmas is all about us CATS!

It all started when a big wreath showed up on the living room floor.

Adele frisked that thing like she was trained by the TSA.

I took a few sniffs and moved on once I realized it’s all fake.

Turns out, it was my first Christmas test. Karen planted the wreath there to see if I would go bonkers and destroy it. She figured it would be safer for me to attack it on the floor than on the mantel. I passed with honors.

Adele hasn’t been letting anything come into the house without a thorough inspection. No stocking-stuffer has been too small to escape her.

Adele raising "nosy" to an art form.

Then Karen started mumbling about my “stocking.” I thought we had that covered. I’m wearing 4 white furry socks.

Turns out I didn’t need a wearing stocking, but a hanging-by-the-chimney-with-care stocking — a.k.a. Santa Kitty bait.

The best stocking Karen could find is covered with stupid buttons. She sewed my name on it, but assured me it’s still a “work in progress” and she will replace the buttons with jingle bells. But for now, she jazzed it up with a sparkly brooch that looks just like ME!

If anybody asks, I’m saying it’s an homage to my “cute as a button” good looks.

Of course, when Adele saw my bling, she threw a fit and had to have some.

For her Highness, nothing less than gold and diamonds would do.

Cole’s stocking already has so much junk on it, he doesn’t care.

Santa Kitty can’t miss these babies now!

Every new kitty gets a special ornament for the tree, but Karen used my mug shot from the joint when I was 6 weeks old. That explains the dopey look on my face. I guess I’ll have to live with that every Christmas now.

At least I’m not lying naked on a bear-skin rug.

Then Karen dragged out a huge box of branches. When she put them all together, they made a TREE! In our LIVING ROOM!

I wasted no time climbing that thing — about every 5 minutes for a week.

Hmmm… where’s Cole when a kitten needs a boost?

Must remember not...to...look...down...

It's much easier when I smash the branches real flat!

Rats! I hit a green ceiling & couldn't go any higher.

Could YOU scold this kitty for climbing the tree?

I spent so much time in the tree, Karen was afraid to put anything but my one ornament on it. But then she felt guilty about depriving her little Maxy of his very first Christmas.

I tried to help her decorate, but stringing the lights from inside the tree almost got me strangled, so I climbed down and let Karen finish. She really did a number on it.

Have you ever seen anything so tarted up?

Cole likes to hang out under the tree with all the presents.

“I’m dreaming of a black Christmas…”

Karen’s OK with us hanging out under the tree as long as we don’t try to open any presents.

I wonder who all this junk is for?

We’re allowed to get away with so much, you’d think we would cooperate when Karen wanted us to do one little thing like pose in our Santa hats for your Christmas greeting, but you’d be wrong. Adele complained the hat mussed her ears. Karen did manage to catch Cole off-guard for a second…

If looks could kill...

I took my cue from Cole…

Mmmm... Santa must taste like chicken!

Then, my beloved Cattey betrayed me and made us all look like ingrates. I don’t know who he was trying to impress. There’s no such thing as SantaPillar!

Cattey's even SMILING!

But back to presents. Ours are wrapped in plain brown paper so we’ll know exactly which ones we can tear into Christmas morning.

Adele thinks they're new carriers for taking us to the vet. Always the pessimist.

The 2 flat ones in front are for Karen from us. Boy, is she going to be surprised when she sees her next AmEx bill!

I can hardly wait for Christmas morning. I probably won’t be able to sleep, listening for Santa Kitty to claw his way down our chimney.

Next week, I’ll let you know what was in all those big brown packages.

I hope Santa brings all our Cats Working readers a big pile of good ‘nip. Adele, Cole, Karen and I wish you…

A Merry Maxy Christmas!

All Cats Want for Christmas is Thumbs

December 19, 2011

By Max

Cats Working reader Adele sent us a link (thank you!) to a great British commercial about milk that answers the question: What would cats do if we had thumbs?

I can add a few more:

1. Steal the remote.

We would watch Animal Planet 24/7. Cole tells me we have a Christmas morning tradition of watching Video Catnip while we play with our new toys and stuff ourselves with treats. Can’t wait!

2. Open cans.

Well, DUH!

3. Make a good fist.

The next time Adele (the cat) came after me, I’d deck her!

4. Strike matches.

No, I’m not a pyromaniac. Just sayin… in case we were ever lost in the woods and needed to start a campfire.

5. Replace our hunt-and-peck style with real touch-typing.

Hitting the spacebar is the only thing holding us back, although I would miss the hunting part, which is always fun.

6. Turn on faucets.

Our water bowls don’t replenish themselves, you know.

7. Hold a poop scoop.

On second thought, we shouldn’t take perfectly good jobs away from humans.

7. Write longhand.

Always useful for signing checks and things like the UPS guy’s log when he delivers packages we’re planning to surprise Karen with. (Giving cats Internet access the way she does comes with a certain degree of risk.)

I’m sure you guys can think of plenty of other uses, but I gotta run. Christmas preps are in progress and I don’t want to miss anything!

John McCain’s ‘Scorn and Disdain’

December 15, 2011

By Cole

And a Merry Christmas to him, too.

Obama’s finally putting a lid on Bush’s wrongheaded fiasco in Iraq, and Republicans are stomping their sour grapes. Apparently, squandering $1 trillion and killing 4,500 Americans and 100,000 Iraqis isn’t enough. The GOP wants more waste and bloodshed under its tree this Christmas.

On the final combat troop withdrawal, John McCain declared to the Senate, “I believe that history will judge this president’s leadership with the scorn and disdain it deserves.”

Yeah, like McCain’s stellar “leadership” when he unleashed that opportunistic nitwit, Sarah Palin, as his running mate. Three years later, she’s still spewing stupidity across the lower 48.

Republicans claim that Iraq is still so unstable, it will probably fall into Iran’s arms and stop being our friend.

Since we decided to shove democracy down its throat, when has Iraq ever been our friend? If Iraqis haven’t learned self-governance after nearly 9 years of hand-holding, what makes McCain think they’ll catch on if we stay 9 more — or 100?

Granted, facing reality is a real strain for Republicans, but the fact is that being a mess is the norm in the Middle East. We’ve watched them riot and depose murderous rulers they’ve tolerated for decades, only to end up going, “Ruh, roh! Now what?”

Even if Arab countries could fulfill their hearts’ desire and wipe out Israel, they’d probably just start picking fights with each other and escalate hostilities toward Christians, just for the fun of it. That region will NEVER be mini-America.

Nor should we want it to. Nearly half the U.S. is living in poverty or close to it, with little hope of escape.

Inadequate, unaffordable healthcare is steadily sucking the economy dry with NO end in sight, but Americans are in poorer health than those in most other industrialized nations.

Republicans have “scorn and disdain” for our black leader and try to keep him from accomplishing ANYTHING whenever they can.

Is that what McCain wants the Middle East to aspire to?

If they really do love this country so much and want to lead it again, McCain and his cronies would do better to stop deifying every wack-job who comes down the pike wanting Obama’s job, forget countries they can’t control, and start getting proactive about what CAN be fixed here at home.

Catching Up with Bourdain

December 9, 2011

By Karen

With three shows running simultaneously, it’s pretty hard to keep up with Anthony Bourdain these days.

The Layover seems to gain strength with each new episode. I haven’t seen Rome yet (taped it, but waiting for it On Demand — hint, hint Travel Channel! — so I don’t have to waste time skirting commercials), but if the one-liners quoted by Eater.com are any indication, Tony let his snarky inner child out to play and it should be fun.

The No Reservations Christmas special is supposed to air Monday, December 12, at 10 p.m. ET on Travel Channel. Tony blogged about the cast, and it’s a smorgasbord.

The ZPZ team created a great short called, “A Krampas Carol,” written by Tony that, apparently, Travel Channel nixed. Thank God for YouTube:

Right before the special is a new Layover in Miami at 9 p.m. I’m really looking forward to this one because I’ve visited Miami many, many times.

But that’s only 2 shows. What gives?

The Cooking Channel is airing Tony’s first series, A Cook’s Tour, on random Tuesday nights at 9:30 p.m. You have to be vigilant to catch it, but it’s well worth it. Recently I caught Tony on his first trip to Cambodia, complete with earring, thumb ring, cigarettes, and less gray hair. He sampled his first durian and climbed up some temple wearing a camera around his neck — like a tourist — and it wasn’t meant to be sarcastic.

Seeing pre-jaded Bourdain reminds me why he first captured my attention.

Some other trinkets I’ve collected…

At the DC Food Fight in November, Tony was interviewed backstage by The Daily Caller. He seems a bit “under the influence” and gets drawn into Washington’s favorite topic — politics — giving his take on the Republican field and how he leans.

Tony appeared on Fox News with Thanksgiving travel tips. FOX??!!!

There was a really good article in The New York Observer about how Bourdain became a writer.

If you missed Tony’s recent cameo on The Simpsons, here it is.

AV Club got a candid interview (sans a lot of the usual canned stuff) with Tony.

Fans of Treme will be happy to hear that Season 3 is in production, and Tony talked to David Simon.

Before their appearance in Portland, Maine, on November 3, Tony and Eric Ripert drank champagne with two guys who have a local called FoodComaTV.

Tony answered a series of short questions for The Independent (UK), and summed up his life in six words: “He wasn’t such a bad bastard.” I learned from this article that he bought the first car of his life not too long ago — BMW.

There’s a very weird “addiction report card” on Bourdain at Psychology Today, written by someone assessing him only by his TV persona and Wikipedia entry.

For those who think Bourdain is all about Bourdain, he’s sky-driving to raise money for the Food Bank of NYC, luring tandem companions who will pay $10K a head to make the jump with him.

Tony’s occasional Russian sidekick, Zamir, recently opened a Twitter account at @ZamirGotta.

Coming up…

Tony’s 160-page graphic novel, Get Jiro!, is now supposed to be released in June 2012.

Travel Channel renewed No Res for an 8th season. From Tony’s tweets, it sounded as if they didn’t tell him directly, but he’s already filming anyway. But he’s the type who would say, “It’s always easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.”

Herman Cain STILL Doesn’t Get It

December 4, 2011

By Adele

As a presidential candidate, Herman Cain’s greatest distinction has been that he’s not only clueless about foreign countries, he totally doesn’t get half the voters in America — women.

Consequently, Cain “suspended” his campaign yesterday. He may have succeeded in blowing off multiple reports of random ass-grabbing a few weeks ago, but the latest revelation of a 13-year affair with a woman living near Cain’s doorstep in Georgia FINALLY caused his campaign contributors to head for the exits.

But why did Ginger White decide to come forward? She and Cain were apparently tight until she did, if the volume of texts they exchanged recently is any indication.

White said she decided to speak out after seeing Cain totally trash the other women, claiming they were ALL lying, unstable, doing it for money out of desperation. White must have thought her more current, solid claim of his infidelity would get him to come clean.

Cain’s now calling White’s story “garbage,” and she says going public has been “humiliating.”

Yet, Cain admits he’s been helping to support this “troubled,” garbage-spewing liar (unbeknownst to his wife) out of the sheer goodness of his heart.

If nothing else, Cain’s proven a magnet for unbalanced babes who harbor a maniacal urge to bring him down, no matter how much mud they’re dragged through.

It must be the current political climate, where so many people prize ignorance above diamonds, that emboldens guys like Cain and Jerry Sandusky to think their pathetic attempts to bury their stinky business and shred their victims’ characters will vindicate them.

But it’s best that voters see this side of Cain now. If he crumbles under the “lies” of a few “unstable” women, what would he do in a REAL crisis? Hide under the bed?

So Cain’s campaign is kaput. “Suspended” my foot. When you make Newt Gingrich look good, you’re toast. Cain ends up on the trash heap with Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, Paul, and Huntsman (who always seemed too qualified and sensible to have a chance.)

Cain claims he’s now at peace with God and his wife. I can’t speak for God, but his wife was probably standing behind him at gunpoint while he made his drop-out speech — just in case he decides to try again in 2016.

But I don’t think it will surprise anyone if, after the Secret Service and TV cameras pull out, Herman wakes up one morning to find his clothes in a bonfire on the front lawn.

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