If you’re a young adult whose wild and crazy unprotected sex resulted in a pesky child to raise — YEARS before you were ready to give up drinking, partying, and sleeping around — Florida wants to help.
Just tell the kid you’re taking him/her to meet Mickey Mouse at DisneyWorld. Pack light. A roll of duct tape fits easily into a carry-on.
As soon as you arrive in Orlando, take the child to McDonald’s for a Happy (Last) Meal and keep the receipt. It will come in handy later if you ever need to show anyone what a devoted parent you are.
Before you check into a hotel, slap a few strips of duct tape over the child’s nose and mouth, then throw him into the trunk of your rental car before too many people see him.
For the duration of your stay, you can enjoy all of Orlando’s attractions and nightlife, unfettered by a cranky brat with poopy diapers whose insistence on eating and sleeping would only cramp your style.
When it’s time to head home, dump the kid in the nearest empty lot. If the car trunk smells funky from a corpse rotting in Florida’s heat, not to worry. The rental company has chemicals to take care of that.
Back home, if anyone in your family happens to notice your child hasn’t been around for a while and raises a “stink,” just accuse them of molesting you and threaten to sing like a canary. That should shut them up.
And never fear being caught or convicted. If a remorseless killer and pathological liar like Casey Anthony can get away with it, rest assured that the same morons who couldn’t read a ballot in 2000 and handed the White House to George W. Bush are still going strong and likely to be on your jury of “peers,” if it ever comes to that.
But, thanks to the Anthony “not guilty” verdict, the Orlando ‘burbs will soon be strewn with the remains of so many unwanted kids, they’ll look like above-ground catacombs. The chances of your departed darling ever being found and linked to you are slim to none.
Now, don’t you feel better?