A Solution to the Weiner Problem

By Adele

Congressman Anthony Weiner is living proof you should be careful what you wish for. When he put his penis on the Internet, he obviously wanted the world to see it — and now it has. Nobody can stop making jokes about it, and the only ones really suffering are hot dogs, who did nothing to bring this shame upon themselves.

Weiner’s infantile exhibitionism and subsequent lies about it reveal him to be too immature for Congress — and that’s saying a lot. But what’s next? Will he drop trow and run through the Capitol with his ass hanging out like the Coppertone baby?

We now know that a major lobe of his brain is located below his belt, and that’s not where we want to see the laws of this land coming from.

On the other hand, I give Weiner credit for owning his name and the inevitable levity it spawns, unlike a certain unnaturally orange buffoon in Congress who insists “Boe” spells “Bay.”

Anyway, the only reason Weiner’s weiner is news is because people give dicks too much power. Dogs walk around every day with their junk hanging out and they lick it in public, but nobody bats an eye.

Human male genitalia should receive the same dismissive treatment. Stop idolizing it and make it mandatory for men not to wear pants. Let them proudly wave their tiny batons whenever they feel like leading a parade. If they can reach, let’s legalize public ball-licking.

Trust me, I’ve lived with guys since I was a kitten. After you’ve seen one dipstick, you’ve seen them all.

It won’t take long for men to realize how they really measure up. Their urge to grant forbidden peeks will die when the guaranteed reaction is “Meh.”

Sure, I realize this will raise unemployment for exhibitionists, but there’s always Peeping Tom work out there.

Weiner’s weiner is a celebrity because we’ve plastered his erection across the Internet and shown it on every news broadcast. We’re only feeding into his sick fantasies. Enough already. Let’s treat men like the animals they are by pulling off their pants permanently and robbing their dicks of any potential for 15 minutes of fame.

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16 Responses to A Solution to the Weiner Problem

  1. Anne says:

    He can’t walk down the street flashing his dick at any nice lady who passes by, so he resorted to using the net. What a dick-head he is. I feel so sorry for his wife !

  2. Imabear says:

    “..and the only ones really suffering are hot dogs, who did nothing to bring this shame upon themselves.”

    ROFL! This is great!

  3. MorganLF says:

    Let’s talk about the deeper issue. There is smething fundamentally wrong with a man that is compelled to expose himself literally and figuratively, when so much is at stake. He is a bent pervert and his wife should run.

    He had it all, Clinton performed his wedding ceremony, and his wife is beautiful and accomplished, yet he could not control his “urges” piffle! Men who sex tweet (and we know of another) have a serious problem and are creepy, dirty, generally homely aholes.

  4. catsworking says:

    Anne, you’ve probably heard the latest, that Weiner’s wife has “a little bun” in the oven. I think they should name it Poupon.

    Imabear, you think I’m kidding? Karen’s got a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks in the freezer, and they’re so embarrassed by their resemblance to Weiner’s you-know-what, they keep trying to hide under the Tyson Anytizers.

  5. adele says:

    But Adele, what would men do in the winter? I’m not just talking about shrinkage, I’m talking about frostbite. Otherwise, I think your plan is excellent.

    My first response (because i just hate it when the sex crazed idiots play for our team) was that sexting between consenting adults is victimless, no matter how odious, and Weiner shouldn’t resign. However as more and more stuff has come out (pun intended, I guess), I agree that Weiner should get out of Congress and get into treatment for sexual deviants.

    I don’t know what the current psychiatric thinking is about exhibitionists, but in pre-internet days, I worked with a couple of families where the father was an exhibitionist. I remember a therapist saying to me that though the conventional wisdom was that an exhibitionist wouldn’t progress beyond flashing, research was beginning to show that untreated, most exhibitionists would move on to more aggressive behavior that involved contact.

  6. catsworking says:

    Adele, I think it would be OK for men to put one of those gloves with the flip-top fingers on their parts in the winter, although dogs seem to do just fine with all their jewels hanging out year-round.

    If this had been a one-off for Weiner, I’d tend to agree with you that we’re making a big deal out of nothing. But I was just reading that 5 women have come forward, and there may be a 6th. I don’t know how many of them he contacted since he got married, but even one is too many. And as Morgan said, his wife is beautiful and accomplished and tight with the Clintons. He’s a special kind of stupid, and not the kind that should be sitting in Congress. If his wife is OK with his behavior, fine. But as public servant, he’s supposed to helping the country, not making our leaders look juvenile.

  7. adele says:

    Gee, Adele, the need for the”Jewel Warmer” could spawn a whole cottage industry. Unemployed people with knitting talent could produce them and make some money. The warmers could come in various sizes and colors (though men being men, they’d probably all buy “large” despite whatever shortcomings they had). I figure the warmer would be attached with something like those old sanitary napkin belts.

  8. catsworking says:

    Adele, good idea. Or maybe the jewel warmers could be made of silk like hollow ties and be fastened around the base of the penis with a Windsor knot. The balls could wear tiny little matching ear muffs.

  9. adele says:

    Ah, silk could be the spring and fall line. I love the idea of the hollow tie with Windsor knot. it would be good for more formal occasions — in fact, for truly formal occasions, the balls could wear striped muffs, like the striped pants worn with morning coats.

    If this blog post gets tons of hits, I say we should establish the company. I leave it to you to name it.

    I’ll shut up now, this is the kind of thing I can go on and on about.

  10. catsworking says:

    We don’t want to get too carried away with the notion of putting little outfits on the equipment or it defeats the whole purpose of letting it all hang out. Give men a flip-top glove, then they’ll want to cover their asses and we’re right back to boxers and briefs.

    For the junk to lose its mystique, it must be exposed in all but the most extreme conditions. If it’s good enough for dogs, it’s good enough for a dog like Anthony Weiner.

  11. adele says:

    You do make a point; I guess I just like to dress things up, although Alice can assure you that I’ve never made her wear anything , not ever a collar.

    But you should see how cute my nephew’s dog looks in the faux leather Harley cap I got him . . . he never dresses his genitals to go out though.

  12. catsworking says:

    For the record, Cats Working unanimously advocates collars for all cats as a symbol of their affiliation with some human; otherwise, if we wander outside we run the risk of being picked up and carted off as strays. We do occasionally indulge in “Naked Weekends” (indoors-only, of course), where we shed all human constraints and pretend to be feral.

  13. adele says:

    And you do all wear your collars well. I had one very large orange cat (Tim Finnegan), who was a little Yul-like, in that he didn’t mind dressing up. He was the only cat I’ve had, who wore a collar from the time he was a kitten. I tried putting a collar on his sister and littermate, adopted at the same time, but she’d have none of it. Tim also wore a cut down “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tee shirt a couple of St. Patrick’s Days.

    Alice absolutely refuses to wear a collar; fortunately, she’s also afraid of “outside.” I do see the advantage of wearing collars, but I’ve been outsmarted by most of my cats.

  14. zappa says:

    Will the Spring and Fall “fashion” lines include holiday/novelty attire as well? Im picturing a little Santa hat,,but what to do for Hanukhah?

    ZM

  15. adele says:

    ZM,

    Hanukkah is a problem — hard to have a menorah with only one candle.

  16. catsworking says:

    Adele, don’t let cats fool you. All that “strangling” behavior when you first put them in a collar is only for shock value. If you ignore it, they’ll eventually accept the collar. Think about it: How many times have you read in the paper about a cat dropping dead from having a collar put on?

    Cole actually sees his collar as a testament to his family values. We all wear breakaway collars and sometimes rip them off each other in the heat of battle. When I manage to get my claws on Cole’s collar, he hides under the bed for HOURS, afraid Karen will see him without his collar and be mad at him. He seems visibly relieved when she puts it back on him. He hasn’t been out of the joint long enough to have forgotten that No Collar = Stray.

    And, of course, my own collar is a fashion statement, a haute couture Pucci & Catana number with pink sparkles and a kitty pendant.

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