Royal Wedding Secrets Revealed

By Adele

Thank goodness, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding went off without a hitch. You’ve seen it all, but I’ve uncovered a few tidbits you won’t find anywhere else. I’m tardy reporting them because I had to wait for confirmation through our network of well-placed sources (don’t ask; I’d have to shred you). Let’s just say that a Portuguese Water Dog and a few Corgis were “in the loop.”

It was a miracle Kate managed to keep her wedding gown a secret, but a handful of insiders know the dress spawned a mystery that tracks back to the White House.

It seems that Michelle Obama sent Kate a secret gift, accompanied by a handwritten note. A smeared draft was found when a wastebasket got knocked over during a game of Fetch. It said…

Dear Miss Middleton,

Barack and I offer congratulations to you and Prince William. While I’m sure your wedding dress will be lovely, I’d like to offer my assistance and a foolproof fashion tip.

You’ll find that the accessory I’m enclosing will complement any outfit — casual or formal — and make your waist look TINY! And since it’s a vintage piece from my personal collection, it will qualify as “something old” on your wedding day!

Best wishes,

I know you and William are trying to stay on a budget, so if your gown needs a certain “
je ne sais quoi,” my designer suggests crumpled dryer sheets. Worked GREAT on my inaugural gown; people said I looked just like a bride. Bonus — They smell heavenly!

The package contained a 3” wide, black leather, metal-studded belt. Maybe this one.

Well, Kate’s gown wasn’t belted and her dress had no Bounce detailing. And since Kate and William left Buckingham Palace, the official response to media inquiries has been, “What belt?”

The day after: Where's Michelle's belt? (Photo - John Stillwell, WPA Group/Getty Images)


While William was showing Prince Charles how to do marriage right at Westminster, Charles was taking notes. Either Camilla’s on thin ice, or Charles must think he’ll need to give Harry “the talk” some day.

Whenever he thought the cameras weren’t on him, Charles pulled a keychain Sharpie from his sleeve to discreetly scribble on his palm. By the end of the ceremony, he’d run out of skin and used one of Camilla’s hands. An eagle-eyed source who received some petting from the couple back at the palace was able to make out this list…

1. Be in love with who’s walking down the aisle.

2. Don’t lie about your intentions for her to the bishop.

3. 2 billion witnesses are watching.

4. Her name — remember it.

5. The vows apply to both of you.

6. Today gives her first dibs on your bed.

7. Don’t let them see you’d rather be fishing in Scotland.

Kate couldn’t have been a more perfect, classic bride. Her dress will be considered elegant and stylish 100 years from now. I hope all the strapless, backless Bridezillas out there now realize how sexy sleeves can be.

And if Diana’s example taught her sons anything, it’s how to treat a woman right — or else. I think William will make a great husband and father, and I hope we’re all around to see the next next king and his bride take the throne.

PS: Monday’s usual Bourdain report is postponed until tomorrow. Tonight’s No Reservations is a rerun of Haiti.


6 Responses to Royal Wedding Secrets Revealed

  1. adele says:

    Adele, some excellent reporting — good for you reaching out to canine sources.

    As I looked at the dignity and love shown by William and Kate, I kept thinking how their father was standing next to a woman, for whom the world knows, he offered to be a tampon.When you think about it, Wills and Harry have a right to be way more screwed up than they are.

    Once again, current events have caused me to be a little light on sleep, what with the raid on Bin Laden’s Pakistani McMansion. It seems to have been well handled, as these things go, but it’s more symbolic than anything else. And I;m little disappointed, as a viewer of NCIS, that likely no autopsy was done. I wondered how Osama could have lived so long on dialysis.

  2. catsworking says:

    Adele, don’t ever be fooled; dogs like to gossip every bit as much as anybody.

    Diana was actually before my time (I was born in 2000), but I’ve read about the infamous tampon comment. Charles was pretty twisted in his day.

    I read that Camilla went over the wedding guest list and crossed off a bunch of names of people who were friends of Diana’s. She’s a real piece of work. Saw a picture of her going to the 2nd reception that night, and her dress looked like a royal-blue bathrobe.

    We were all sound asleep when bin Laden bought the farm, so we woke up to the news this morning. Just read that they nailed him with a bullet in the left eye.

    The spontaneous demonstration outside the White House last night looked a little too much like what they do in the Middle East to celebrate horrible things, and will probably just make al Qaeda more determined to avenge bin Laden.

  3. adele says:

    There’s now Twitter site called OsamainHell, and it’s pretty funny. I just heard a local radio person say, “I wonder how far Osama has gotten with his allotted 72 virgins — talk about performance anxiety.”

  4. catsworking says:

    Priceless! Creep was using a woman as a human shield, and she went down with him.

  5. zappa says:

    I heard the tape of the call between Charles and Camilla,when he he said that he sooo wished he could be her tampon and she moaned something equally creepy back.Hearing cheesy soft core porn in an upper crust accent is like walking in on your parents…um..yuck


  6. catsworking says:

    ZM, I think Charles is in Washington today. Don’t know if he brought the old ball and chain with him, though.

    UPDATE: Camilla stayed home. Charles can live it up while he’s here!

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