Wanted: A Cat for Michael Vick

By Yul

After doing hard time for mercilessly exploiting dogs for fighting and having a judge prohibit him from ever owning another one, football star Michael Vick says he still wants one. He thinks it would help his rehabilitation, and he misses having a pet around the house.

OK, I have a better idea. Instead of a dog, Vick should get a cat. And not just any cat, but…

A full-grown, street-wise tomcat. His attitude toward humans is that thumbs make them good for operating a can opener and wielding a litter scoop. Period.

This cat should preferably be black, so if Vick harbors any superstitions, he’ll start feeling real lucky whenever he manages to avoid being tripped by the cat on the stairs in the dark.

And whenever Vick fails to dodge the cat’s interceptions, he can chalk it up to “rehab.”

It should be a cat who tolerates some petting (just how much varies day to day) and then screams and sinks his claws and teeth into whomever is petting him whenever they exceed his secret time limit.

This cat will have confidence to spare, taking possession of (and shedding on) any piece of furniture that looks comfortable, and sacking out right in the middle of Vick’s bed every night.

The cat will never come when called, refuse to learn tricks, and disappear if Vick even thinks about trying to discipline him.

And if Vick does or says anything that displeases the cat, he will spray all over any object Vick treasures, including electronic devices.

I think only after Michael Vick has experienced a few years of being owned by a real “cat’s cat,” he’ll have a clearer understanding of how he totally blew it when he had trusting, obedient dogs.

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4 Responses to Wanted: A Cat for Michael Vick

  1. zappa says:

    Hey Yul.fit him with a kittycam and air the footage on a reality show.Imagine the fear in his eyes as Tom Cat stares at him,unblinking,slooooowly switching his tail,not moving a muscle,just staring……..

    Zappa

  2. catsworking says:

    You’re right, Zappa! That would make some golden TV moments. I keep thinking of all the things a cat could teach Vick about owning a pet that he’d never learn from a dog. It’s too bad the judge didn’t think of it and order him to adopt a cat.

  3. Tuxi says:

    The only thing I don’t like about the black cat idea is knowing about Michael Vick, would he do something heinous to it too? That said, we here in damn Philly have to hear the “Vick MVP…Superbowl” shit just because the Eagles had the dumb luck to win Sunday. I for one hope they blow the playoffs like they do every year and the media shuts up about the dog murderer. For all the animals he killed, would people be next? Knowing that link, that would shut up the Vick-ass-kissing worshippers!

  4. catsworking says:

    Tuxi, the whole point of giving Vick a black cat is that he’d be helpless against it. I don’t care how fast he can run down the field, a cat is faster. No cat is going to sit around and let Vick abuse it.

    Football is something never seen or mentioned in this house, so we have no idea who thinks they’re heading to the Super Bowl. Sounds like Vick made a speedy comeback after doing his time in the slammer. Some of his former dogs are being rehabilitated around here and they’re still working on their recovery from the trauma of having the misfortune to be owned by him.

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