Juries Could Use More Cats

By Cole

Justice is looking up, now that a cat has been invited to participate in the process. This ground-breaking development happened in that cradle of progressiveness, Massachusetts. (Well, not so progressive since it turned red last week.)

A gray and white cat named Sal from East Boston has been summoned for jury duty.

Sal’s owner, Anna Esposito, thinks it’s because she named Sal on a census form. It was only asking about dogs (why?), but she wrote in “Cat” and Sal’s name.

Anna tried to get Sal disqualified from serving, but some brilliant jury commissioner denied her request. If Massachusetts law is like Virginia’s, if Sal doesn’t appear at Suffolk Superior Court on March 23, he could be held in contempt and face arrest.

To keep Sal out of the slammer, Anna says she’ll let Sal have his day in court, if necessary.

The joke will be on the commissioner if the trial runs long and Sal decides he needs to use the jury box for another purpose.

Any perp who gets Sal as a juror should be grateful because it will streamline the trial. The lawyers must keep their arguments snappy or Sal will tune them out for a catnap.

In the deliberation room, the other jurors can get mellow by petting Sal’s soft fur and reach a verdict without bickering over any evidence. Sal himself won’t pussyfoot in casting his vote if he smells a rat.

Unfortunately, Massachusetts doesn’t have the death penalty, which cats have always found it the most efficient way to keep vermin off the streets. But who knows? Today a cat on a jury, tomorrow a cat on the Supreme Court.

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5 Responses to Juries Could Use More Cats

  1. Zappa says:

    Hi Cole!
    This is a great idea! Cats can expedite the judicial process right from the start. Put a cat in any interrogation (sorry,”interview”room) and a confession will soon be had. All we have to do is stare and slowly switch our tail and that Human will tell everything.You know what I mean.that look that elicits the “i’m sorry.but this kitty litter was on sale” or “yes,that catnip IS organic!” Nothing gets past us cats.

    Zappa

  2. catsworking says:

    Zappa, you are SO right. Recently, researchers “revealed” that we cats can mimic baby cries to get humans to do our bidding, like it was something new. But any human who’s been owned by a cat knows that resistance is futile. We always get what we want, whether it’s a treat or the truth. If law enforcement used cats instead of cops, they wouldn’t even need a “good cat” and a “bad cat.” One cat could do it all. Use the methods you describe (as well as claws casually extended, to show that we have them and aren’t afraid to use them if necessary) to get the perp to sing like a canary. Then when he’s finished, curl up in his lap purring to lull him into thinking he did the right thing, even when we know his confession will lead to life in prison or worse.

  3. Tuxi says:

    Hi Cole! My guardian Joanaroo will tell you I am judge and jury in my house! I rule with an iron southpaw but am also gentle due to a previous person declawing me. When Joan rescued me she saw I was front declawed when spayed. She even sings a version of Steve Martin’s “King Tut” about me called “Queen Tux”, because I have Street Smarts but am now Royally Spoiled! =)

  4. Tuxi says:

    When I want to get my way I follow Joan all around, even to the bathroom, where, unfortunately, to get my way I have to tolerate some odious human smells. P. U.! Out of the bathroom I nuzzle her with my head and use a quiet meow and Bingo! I get what I want! But if one of my housemates does something Tuxi doesn’t like, they get the infamous Tuxi Staredown!

  5. catsworking says:

    Welcome, Tuxi! Karen has a weak spot for tuxedo cats, but we don’t have any at the moment. Yul has a white triangle at his throat, and some tufts of white under his arms and legs. I have white back toes and a little bit under my belly, but both our looks are too casual to qualify as “tuxedos.”

    Since we outnumber Karen, we usually get our way, too. We’re all neutered and spayed, but still fully clawed.

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