New Moon Sucks the Life Out of Vampires

By Karen

I was sort of railroaded into seeing New Moon last week (don’t ask). I know I’m spitting in the face of the film’s rampaging success, but as a vampire aficionado, I hated almost every minute of it.

At least Mathew DeKinder of the St. Louis Suburban Journals is in my corner.

First, I don’t understand why author Stephanie Meyer gave nocturnal titles to any of her 4 Twilight saga books. She could have called the series High Noon. By ignoring or failing to research vampire legend, her vampires are basically ordinary folk with pale skin and red eyes — more albino than bloodsucker. They don’t drink human blood. In daylight, they sparkle like jewels. Sunlight doesn’t even sting.

Nighttime, coffins, native earth, crosses, mirrors, stakes, running water. Forget ‘em. These pathetic excuses for vamps probably order extra garlic on their Domino’s pizza.

I know, I know. I need to read the books to see why vampire Edward Cullen is so mesmerizing. But I never read the books because I suspected no good could come from a Mormon writer playing with the undead, and New Moon proves me right. She’s steered a whole generation wrong on vampires.

The audience consisted mostly of teen girls. God help them if they identify with boring Bella Swan. Bella loves the vacant Edward, while a werewolf named Jacob loves her, and we waste the better part of 2 hours watching the 3 of them stare deeply into each other’s shallow eyes.

In Twilight world, the ultimate sin a vampire can commit is to go shirtless and let people see him sparkle.

Werewolves don’t fare much better. A full moon doesn’t trigger their transformation. Just annoy them and they turn furry. As humans, they wear nothing but shorts year-round in the Northwest. Shorts that seem to miraculously disappear and reappear. I wondered if they represented the ubiquitous underwear Mitt Romney refuses to talk about.

The film never explains why Bella loves Edward, but much of her screen time is spent is moping around after he disappears “forever” to protect her — from what? Another vampire sparkling at her?

Except for a few moments of spectacular werewolf special effects, New Moon is sheer tedium, the brief appearance of Michael Sheen (Tony Blair in The Queen, David Frost in Frost/Nixon) as ancient vampire Aro notwithstanding. Why, Michael, why?

Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, and Eric from True Blood must be curling in their coffins to think the torch has been passed to a droopy drip like Edward Cullen.

I’m counting on Johnny Depp to restore vampires to their former gory glory in 2010 when he plays Barnabas Collins in the remake of Dark Shadows.

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21 Responses to New Moon Sucks the Life Out of Vampires

  1. Bob says:

    Ya know I got roped into reading those books by my cousin. Not a bad read if your 16 with relationship issues and no date for the prom.

    But I have to go with you its really not Vampires in the traditional sense at all.

    Give me Lestat any day as troubled and beautiful as he was Pre-Cruise, or Jack Crow the abusive Vampire Hunter from John Steakley’s novel Vampire$. Played to great effect by James Woods.

    Hell give me Gary Oldman playing Dracula, but please leave out Keanu Reeves..

    I am 100% behind you on this one Karen, teen lovestory YES, Money Maker YES, Vampire Movie ..Hell No..

  2. catsworking says:

    Bob, later I realized there was one thing I forgot to mention. Fangs. Not a single fang in the whole movie, except on the werewolves.

    Pity the poor teen who runs into a vampire and expects him to SPARKLE.

    Film history is filled with great vampires who could all wipe the floor with poor wimpy Edward Cullen. I’m kind of surprised I haven’t gotten a bunch of hate comments from teenage girls setting me straight.

    When I was a teenager, my vampire idol was Barnabas. OK, it was a May-December type of crush, but when push came to shove, he was a vampire’s vampire. And I had no date to the prom, by the way. Falling for a vampire certainly isn’t the route to popularity.

    My friend Shelley, who has read the Twilight books, told me that Edward never gave Bella a reason to fall for him, even in the first book, and that there’s a certain contingent who thinks Bella should end up with the werewolf.

  3. Bob says:

    Karen, just on a side note, Nosferatu is not actually a characters name. The 1922 movie was named thusly but the vampire in the film was named Count Orlok.

    Either/Or he or any “Real” Vampire, George Hamilton incuded, would kick Edwards sparkly panzy ass..

    Happy Thanksgiving Everyone
    Gobble Gobble

    Bob

  4. Cindy says:

    Don’t forget the young Frank Langella, sigh.

  5. catsworking says:

    Bob, of course you are right. I stand corrected on Nosferatu. It’s more of a generic term for vampires, and no one seems to know its origins and it can have many meanings.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nosferatu_(word)

    But I guess it sounded scarier to call the movie Nosferatu than Count Orlok.

  6. catsworking says:

    Cindy, yes, Frank Langella made a great vampire. I also liked Louis Jourdan as Dracula in a made-for-TV movie. Very suave.

  7. Jacob Black says:

    I have read the books, but the films take the saga to a whole new level. Beautiful young stars, great cinematics and a sound track that rocks… Can@t wait for number 3. Oh well, i’ll just have to reread the books…

  8. Zappa says:

    Let’s not forget Brad Pitt as Louis…double sigh…..

    Zappa’s mom

  9. catsworking says:

    Jacob, welcome! Obviously, the Twilight saga is an acquired taste. I agree with you that Bella and Jacob are attractive actors (particularly Jacob), but Edward strikes me as a wimp no matter how you slice it. The werewolf special effects were hands down the best part of the movie.

  10. catsworking says:

    Zappa’s Mom, when I read Interview with the Vampire back in the ’70s, Louis was my favorite as well. I thought Anne Rice added immensely to vampire lore with that book. Lestat started out well, but the books seemed to degenerate over time until I could barely get through them. I think Queen of the Damned was the last one I enjoyed, but I remember it as a tough slog.

  11. Simcox says:

    I’m just throwing this out there… Hayden Pantierre would’ve made a great Bella Swan. http://bit.ly/4G5pT1

  12. catsworking says:

    Simcox, I’ve never heard of Hayden Pantierre, so I have no opinion on her suitability as Bella, but it’s a part I wouldn’t wish on any young actress. What a doormat!

  13. Lydic says:

    Do you tweet and have a twitter account so I can follow you?

  14. catsworking says:

    Sorry Lydic, Cats Working never tweets.

  15. piromanka says:

    Amen! I hated the movie but since it’s such a fuss I thought I read the book, and I gave up after about 3 chapters, which is rare for me, because I always try to finish a book (or a movie). Mayer is just unbareable. Anne Rice should kick her ass.

  16. catsworking says:

    Welcome, piromanka! I have a friend who said she had a hard time getting into the first book and it took several tries. And she said the following books became more and more verbose, as if editors were afraid to touch Meyer’s prose. It’s a shame if she’s a lousy writer, because now she’ll never learn and she’ll just keep churning our mediocre books. As long as there are teenagers who can’t tell good writing from bad, she’ll be a cash cow.

  17. Bob says:

    Twilight meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
    I laughed my fangs off for this one.

    Or,how bout Edward meets Blade the Vampire Hunter??
    I don’t think Eddie is going to cutesy his way out of this one!!

    http://team-twilight.com/20090831/blade-meets-edward-cullen/

  18. catsworking says:

    Bob, that was hilarious! I never watched Buffy, but it was fun to see her kick the crap out of Cullen. That was very well-done!

  19. I read Twlight, just to see what the fuss was about. AWFUL. Hated it! It’s pure teenage girl fantasy vampire… except my teenage girl fantasy was Barnabas! LOL

    Johnny Depp’s going to play Barnabas Collins? Oh wow…. girly thrill moment!

  20. PS… watched the Twlight movie too… ugh 😦

    Did you watch Dracula with Gary Oldman? I thought that was such a beautiful version of the story.

  21. catsworking says:

    Michelle, a friend who read all the Twilight books said that they kept getting longer and more badly written, as if Meyer’s editors became afraid to touch her stuff and meddle with success. I haven’t been able to bring myself to read one yet myself. I’m just glad the movie series is coming to an end.

    Speaking of which, the Dark Shadows movie franchise is about to be resurrected! They’ve been filming at Pinewood Studio in London. Rumor has it that the original Barnabas (Jonathan Frid) was flown over to make a cameo appearance, as well as a few other characters.

    I’ve seen pictures of Johnny Depp as Barnabas and was dismayed. He was ghosty white — very Edward-Cullen-looking. I hope it was a brief flashback scene to Barnabas’ youth and that Depp will fill out and become more suave and sexy.

    The movie is supposed to open in May 2012.

    Haven’t seen the Gary Oldman version of Dracula yet. I think I may have it on my Netflix list.

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