Still Undecided? Then Let Cats Vote!

By Fred

Some voters must be waiting for Barack Obama or John McCain to levitate or cast a spell over them to help them make up their addled minds. These two men couldn’t be more different in temperament, style, and ideas, yet polls by Gallup, Hotline, and Rasmussen show 5-12% of voters are still undecided.

Could it be that, after devoting entire forests of trees and rivers of ink to recording and analyzing the candidates’ every word, gesture, and facial expression for nearly 2 years, the media hasn’t yet revealed enough to make a decision? Had 60 Minutes aired Dan Rather’s special in-depth investigation of how each candidate organizes his sock drawer, might that have done the trick?

I think undecideds simply crave attention. Their faux confusion gets them invitations to attend the debates and join focus groups. Reporters clamor to capture their quotable nuggets of doubt so they can make the candidates lose sleep wondering what else they might do to win the wafflers.

Who cares? We’ve reached the point where undecided voters should be barred from casting their feckless ballots. This election is too important. Rather, let’s study the feasibility of shipping them to another planet because their witless existence wastes precious resources on Mother Earth.

Cats have been watching this campaign from the beginning and our minds are made up. Let us have the undecideds’ votes. We’ll see that America doesn’t fall prey to an out-of-touch geezer who pals around with a blood-thirsty former beauty queen who would shoot and eat us and turn our pelts into throw rugs, given half a chance.

Cats for Obama!

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3 Responses to Still Undecided? Then Let Cats Vote!

  1. Adele says:

    Alice now wants me to make a “Cats for Obama” sign and put it in our window. She points out that wearing a button would be painful for her, and since she doesn’t like to wear clothes (other than her very handsome coat), a tee shirt is out of the question.

    Alice gets the idea of absentee ballots, which she believes would be the only way that cats would vote (since cats, who have homes, should not be outdoor cats), but she’s worried about her ability to show identification and the fact that aside from you, at Cats Working, she doesn’t know any cats, who read and write. So she’s with you, but she sees a few kinks in the plan.

  2. catsworking says:

    Details, details. You’re right, there are some logistical kinks to be worked out, because an onslaught of cats at the polls would wreak havoc, especially on allergic voters. But absentee ballots would work. As for ID and voter registration, our rabies certificates should do it. All cats are required to have them where we live.

    Karen was looking at some cute dog outfits the other day that would fit Adele, but we hope she doesn’t go there. She once put me in a T-shirt to keep me from licking a bald spot I’d created under my arm (I do that occasionally). I will admit I did look very Rambo in it, but I wouldn’t tolerate it merely on principle. Karen ended up picking off all the cat hair, ironing it, and returning it to the store.

  3. emrysa says:

    I think these are people who can’t even make decisions in their every day lives. I would bet that not being able to come to a conclusion on who to vote for is just one example of an operational pattern for these people.

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