Bush Wants Everyone Else to Give Peace a Chance

November 27, 2007

By Yul

This week, President Bush is hosting a conference in Annapolis for reps from more than 40 countries. He suddenly wants to end the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

It seems ludicrous for the man who’s done more single-handedly to destroy peace in the Middle East lately to be the referee in this. Especially since he’s already made it clear whose side he’s on by never showing much regard for the Palestinians.

I can sum up the whole Middle East problem in one word: Cats. They’re all acting like cats. Scrappy alley cats.

We’re known for being loners, but there’s nothing wrong with that because we don’t go around starting wars.

We don’t because we’re not religious. You’ll never hear a cat say, “My Maker is better than your Maker, so you die.”

Eons ago, we learned to co-exist with our nemeses – dogs – even though there’s almost nothing we like about them.

What surprises me is that Ehud Olmert, Mahmoud Abbas, and the rest are humoring Bush by even showing up, instead of telling him to go clean up his own messes in Iraq and Afghanistan. And New Orleans, while he’s at it.

It seems unlikely that the Palestinians will ever accept Israel as long as it acts like an unruly kitten. No firmly established cat likes to have some interloper come into his home, kick him out of his favorite bed, eat from his bowl, use his litterbox, steal his best catnip, destroy his toys, and generally show no respect for his existence.

Fred and I have managed to live in relative peace for my 11 years, but it takes maturity. Cats can get along if they quit all the, “You give in first,” “No, you give in first,” “No, you give in first,” posturing and simply STOP fighting.

If cats can do it, why not people?

It Takes One to Know One

November 20, 2007

By Adele

Around here, I’m called “The Twitch.” Fred and Yul think I don’t know what they really mean.

Joke’s on them because I’m flattered. Twitch describes my mercurial ways to a T. In a flash, I can go from cuddling on a lap to huddling under the bed. One minute I’m blissfully warming my toes on Yul’s tummy – the next I’m chasing him around like a fury. On Monday, chicken with rice is my favorite meal – on Tuesday, I won’t touch the stuff.

In humans I think this is called schizophrenia. But I’m just being the perfect cat.

It’s too bad Hillary Clinton isn’t a cat because she’s being called rude names and John McCain thinks it’s funny.

Some unidentified McCain supporter got her 15 anonymous minutes of fame by asking, “How do we beat the bitch?” She probably doesn’t realize she revealed herself with a capital B to all us females who get pretty sick of being dominated by men.

And now Kathleen Parker, whose columns usually make great litter box liners, is warning men to quit bashing Hillary because it might make women side with her. God forbid women should support each other. We might actually gain the upper hand.

On the other hand, Hillary would instantly end her run for president if she ever got tired of all this personal abuse and called her petty critics bastards.

But if she did it, I wouldn’t blame her a bit.

Live Like a Cat Day is Coming

November 16, 2007

By Fred

We knew it was bound to happen. First, we got people to start working like cats. Now, we’re designating a whole day for them to live like cats.

Live Like a Cat Day is the brainchild of a cat named Bobo and his owners James and Kerri. They are launching it on January 12, 2008, and they anticipate it will become a revered celebration on the second Saturday of January from now on.

They couldn’t have picked a better time for it. The holidays are history. There’s no tree to knock over. No ornaments to break. No tinsel to swallow. No turkey to steal. No gaily wrapped presents to shred.

Outside, it’s cold and gray and the scene from our window is bleak and boring. The squirrels are holed up in their nests. The birds are all in the tropics working on their tans.

You’ll find the details on Bobo’s blog, but I can tell you it involves lots of sleeping, eating, playing, and doing whatever you damn well please. All day.

What it doesn’t entail is any of the crazy holiday activities humans invented that stress them to the point of bankruptcy and nervous breakdowns: shopping, wrapping, card-sending, decorating, baking, and entertaining.

Thanks to its utter simplicity and self-centeredness, I know Live Like a Cat Day is destined to knock Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentine’s Day off the map as everyone’s favorite holiday. So mark your calendar. January 12, 2008!

Dog Forced Into Arranged Marriage

November 13, 2007

By Adele

In the U.S., some humans abhor marriages between men or between women. But in India it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to marry a dog he’s just met.

When Selva Kumar was 18, he murdered two dogs while they were mating and strung up their bodies in a tree. Then he had a stroke that left him partially deaf and paralyzed in his left arm and legs. He blamed it on bad karma from the dog incident. Now he’s 33 and apparently tired of getting around on a crutch.

A village astrologer told him he could break his self-inflicted curse by marrying a dog. So Kumar’s family found a 10-year-old female stray they named Selvi, bathed and dressed her in a fetching orange sari, and held a big Hindu temple wedding.

Kumar and Selvi

The happy couple.

Kumar vowed, “I will take care of it till its death.”

Selvi said nothing; she was obviously in shock from being called an “it” by her new husband.

The groom’s family treated the bride like a dog at her own wedding feast. She nibbled a crumby bun while they pigged out. I just hope her bridegroom didn’t completely ruin her day by trying to consummate the nuptials later.

If Kumar’s not back on his feet again soon, according to Indian law, he’ll be free to marry another dog without even divorcing Selvi. I guess in the excitement leading up to the wedding, Selvi didn’t insist on putting her pawprint on an ironclad pre-nup.

I can’t see a cat ever participating in such a farce.

A ritual cleansing bath? Forget it!

Parading around in people clothes? Ditto.

Sitting in a corner waiting for table scraps? More likely up on the table grabbing all the good stuff.

Letting a man think he’s the boss? Don’t make me laugh.

I guess that’s why you don’t see more cats at weddings.

Bush: The Bad Leaders’ Role Model

November 8, 2007

By Fred

President Bush is stewing over General Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan. He even phoned the guy and explained, “You can’t be the president and the head of the military at the same time.”

Bush wants that niche all to himself. Because he’s called “the Commander in Chief,” he thinks he can start wars without asking anyone’s permission. That big domed thing in Washington with all those senators and congresspeople is a chicken coop as far as he and Cheney are concerned.

Bush shouldn’t be shocked when other power-hungry nut jobs follow his lead.

President Mahmoud Amadinejad of Iran loves making outrageous statements with no basis in reality. He says Iran has no gays, and the jury’s still out on whether the Holocaust really happened.

Bush thinks God talks directly to him.

Hugo Chavez of Venezuela calls Bush “Satan” and smells sulfur whenever he’s nearby.

Bush thought Saddam Hussein was demonic and couldn’t rest until he was dead, paving the way for all leaders to have each other whacked at will.

Vladimir Putin seems to be planning to pick up where he leaves off as president by becoming prime minister of Russia. Bush thinks he saw Putin’s soul in his eyes. I think he just recognized another bird of the same feather.

The two razor-thin “elections” that put Bush and Cheney in power couldn’t bear scrutiny. Now that they’ve made the world their litter box, they’d probably opt to stay in the White House for life if they thought they could get away with it. If they don’t like being copied by despotic leaders who mistreat their people, they have only themselves to blame.

Cat Bred for Blindness in the Name of Science

November 6, 2007

By Adele

Humans have added cats’ DNA to what they’ve “decoded” from dogs, chimps, vermin, and cows. Just think how far this has already advanced mankind. Not.


Cinnamon, a 4-year-old Abyssinian, was the poor schmuck they “volunteered” to participate in this feckless pursuit. She had been living quietly (caged, probably) in a lab cat colony at the University of Missouri.

Cinnamon’s heritage is a long line of lab cats bred to develop retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerative eye disease that Cinnamon has inherited. One in 3,500 humans gets it, too. But they aren’t specifically conceived, as Cinnamon was, to slowly go blind.

Cinnamon is reportedly shy and withdrawn. She sits around, not playing with the other guinea pigs – uh, lab cats – and doesn’t vie for the lab staff’s attention. I can’t blame her if she feels depressed and confused. She’s probably watching her world slowly fade to black until she wakes up one day unable to find her food bowl.

Why would anyone, except perhaps a dog lover, do this to a cat? The scientists claim cats get 200 human-like diseases, such as AIDS, SARS, diabetes, retinal disease and spina bifida, so by studying us, they can find cures. If that’s true, what’s taken them so long to get around to it? I think what they really want to know is:

· How we sleep 23 ½ hours a day, yet are always alert.

· How we can leap many times our height from a casual standing position.

· Why we almost never fall on our heads.

· How we turn doorknobs without opposable thumbs.

· How we can hear someone thinking about opening a can of tuna.

Cinnamon apparently didn’t provide one gene her tormenters wanted to study – the domestication gene. The next time a lab assistant touches her, I hope she takes a huge chunk out of him, just to remind them she’s still in touch with her roots.

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