You Might be a Religious Extremist if…

By Cole

Boob-tube buffoon Bill O’Reilly got his tail in a fluff when the New York Times labeled Norwegian mass-murderer Anders Breivik a “Christian” extremist. O’Reilly absurdly accuses the media of routinely lumping fundamentalist Christians in with Muslim jihadists to make them look bad — like they need any help.

It doesn’t matter what stripe you are. Extreme is extreme. Here’s a little test:

You might be a religious extremist if…

• Your belief system comes from a book written eons ago, whose purpose and authorship cannot be verified, and whose wording can be twisted to mean whatever you want it to mean.
• You think everyone who doesn’t share your belief system should be 1) Oppressed, 2) Denied basic civil liberties, 3) Killed, or 4) All of the above.
• You are proud you belong to a group that needs some earthly cheerleader telling you how to think and act. You may even be willing to donate large amounts of time and money — or even your life — to this group.

Glenn Beck had the gall to imply that the kids who were mowed down in Norway were like Hitler youth, as if they had it coming.

If he had any idea how totally offensive that must be to Norwegians who know or remember how Hitler treated Norway during WWII, he’d keep his ignorant cake-hole shut.

Fundamentalist Christians have been responsible for enough bloody chapters in history and violent right-wing nut groups (KKK, anyone?) to stand toe-to-toe with anything Muslims have ever done.

You don’t see liberals and atheists screaming for more guns so they have the option of shooting abortion doctors, gays, or political opponents. No, they’re free-thinkers who don’t need the whole world to share their beliefs, and they’re harder to herd and brainwash than cats.

So, O’Reilly and Beck, if you don’t like having the gun-toting bigots you call fans lumped in with a gun-toting bigot who decided everyone in Europe who isn’t like him needs to die, too bad.

If the shoe fits…

Bye-Bye, Beck

By Adele

TV just regained an iota of sanity. Glenn Beck is walking away from his daily pulpit show on the Fox network (I can’t bring myself to call it Fox “News”). When he announced his departure to his dwindling viewers, he compared himself to Paul Revere, rationalizing that Revere’s historic ride through the streets of Boston was always intended as a one-off, not a lifelong commitment.

Fox claims the end of Beck’s run has nothing to do with disappearing ratings nor the fact that more than 400 Fox advertisers have specifically requested to not have their ads air during Beck’s brainless rants show.

You have to be special breed of raving lunatic to be too much for Fox to handle. The next generation of dictionaries may define insanity as “going stark-raving Beck.”

And no one will be surprised if, whenever Beck takes his final public bow, he’s wearing a Paul Revere costume with wraparound sleeves, accompanied by nice men in white who have a rubberized luxury suite in some undisclosed location prepared for him.

Fox says Beck will continue to do specials whenever he receives noteworthy warnings of the coming apocalypse through his tin-foil hat. And he’ll still be spewing hateful nonsense on the radio.

Beck’s undoubtedly telling himself that escaping the daily grind will leave him free to become an even richer and more powerful political force — like a certain former Alaska governor.

But Beck’s about to discover that his screaming and crying must be even louder and crazier to hold anybody’s attention. Whoever stopped watching him on TV didn’t do it because they’d rather listen to him on the radio or read his books.

If there’s one thing Beck should know about his followers, it’s that once they make up their mind about something, no one can change it back.

So it shouldn’t take too long for Beck’s already-sinking career as a pundit to implode — like a certain former Alaska governor’s.

And the world will be a better place.

DC Bend Over, Here Comes Glenn Beck

By Yul

If you can’t get enough of Glenn Beck’s rants on TV and radio, you have a chance to catch his act live on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial tomorrow, where he’s holding a “Restoring Honor” rally.

Beck claims it’s pure coincidence it’s exactly 47 years to the day after Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his immortal “I Have a Dream” speech there. Surely, Beck would never try to hijack such an historic occasion for self-glorification. He’s probably just humbly hoping that TV crews catch any black people who might be milling around looking for Al Sharpton’s King commemoration and make them look on the evening news like Beck rally attendees.

And how much do you want to bet that Fox will report attendance in figures astronomically higher than any other news outlet?

Beck also claims the rally isn’t political because he invited no politicians. That’s why he’s holding it in DC instead of some Kansas cornfield. Apparently, royalty doesn’t count, because Sara Palin, the Tea Party’s unofficial queen, will be by Beck’s side so they can egg each other on, criticizing and mocking Obama and Democrats right on their home turf.

I mean, who needs hope and change when the world would be perfect with NO progress — and even better if we could turn the clock back 50 years?

But Jon Stewart ripped Beck a new one on The Daily Show far better than this cat ever could. The segment is called “I Have a Scheme,” and I’ll let Jon take it from here.