Rats Are About to Get Busted

By Max

On Friday, August 26, at 10 p.m. ET, Animal Planet is starting a 6-episode series called Rat Busters NYC. It stars two guys named Jimmy and Mike and scores of rats, who were all most likely harmed (murdered) during the filming of the show.

But don’t get me wrong. I may be a kitten, but I’m not soft on vermin. I don’t mind that Animal Planet thinks killing innocent creatures is entertainment. I can’t wait to watch those suckers go down. I’m just upset that Animal Planet hired humans to do the job when so many cats are out of work.

Don't bother pleading for mercy, you rat-bastard!

Jimmy and Mike work for Magic Exterminating. It’s like Ghost Hunters for rodents. They work in Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs, which is a rat paradise, according to Animal Planet.

Eeewww! Alert for the Bourdain family: The website boasts that rats are found “everywhere — from warehouses and small businesses to apartments and single-family homes, from the Upper East Side to Tribeca and crawling all over Brooklyn and Queens!”

The site also tried to dispel some myths about rats, such as that they can grow as big as cats. False. They said domestic rats usually top out at 2 pounds, and the world’s biggest rats, in Papua, New Guinea, only make it to about 3 pounds, while cats are more in the 8-10-pound range. (I’m 4 ½ lbs.)

But Cats Working documented a rat in China that weighed 6 pounds.

Even so, if a cat and a rat get into a serious smack-down, that rat won’t be around to brag about it to his grandkids.

I mull the option of suffocating him painlessly while digging my claws into his back.

But then Animal Planet dissed cats by saying we’re ineffective ratters because we can’t possibly keep up with the rat population, nor clean out the tiny places they hide.

OK, so where were Jimmy and Mike during the Black Plague? More recently, why didn’t the city of Los Angeles have any doubts cats were up to the job?

What AP forgets is that the mere presence of a cat makes rats think twice about putting down roots. If rats were so brilliant, they’d be the ones with 9 lives.

I'm not letting go 'til you squeak "Uncle!", Cheddar-Breath!

Anyway, I just thought I’d let all my new cat friends know there’s 6 hours of whisker-licking rat-bashing coming that you won’t wanna miss.

Animal Planet Declares War on Housecats

By Cole

Bill O’Reilly’s upset about Norway’s mass murderer being called a “Christian” extremist? How would he like it if a network portrayed certain members of his species as psychos out to destroy people’s quality of life?

Oh, wait. I just described Fox News’ position on Democrats.

Anyway, Animal Planet undoubtedly hates housecats.

First, it was My Cat From Hell.

In this short-lived series, cats reacting predictably to inappropriate conditions forced upon them by people who think cats are furry knickknacks were filmed behaving “badly.” Then this tattooed dude named Jason Galaxy would come in, move litterboxes, recommend perches, toys, beds, and scratching posts, and everyone would live happily ever after.

Voila! The cat was “cured.”

Apparently that didn’t go far enough. Along came Help! I’m Becoming a Cat Lady. Apparently, it’s a one-off because it’s not listed on Animal Planet’s website.

But PopWatch loved it.

In this travesty, a single woman with two cats is painted as a walking dating disaster, and it’s all the cats’ fault. The premise is that it’s wrong to lavish too much affection on your cats.

This “fixer” named Alyson comes in to hide all traces of the cats by moving the litterbox and kitty perch (granted, the litterbox in the dining room was ICK).

The woman is taught to wear butt-hugging jeans and flirt so she can attract someone who will hog her blankets, leave her toilet seat up, commandeer her remote and, if things “work out,” double her laundry and dishwashing.

Furthermore, he’ll always want to know where she’s going, when she’ll be back, and what’s for dinner every night.

And this is supposed to be better than living with cats?

Not to mention that most guys are dog people, so if the “reformed” woman thinks she’s found a keeper, she shouldn’t be surprised when he lays down the ultimatum, “It’s me or the cats.”

The whole point of the show is to marginalize cats so people can find f**k-buddies.

To that I say, f**k YOU, Animal Planet!