Boston Rats Meet the Feline Verminator

By Yul

When Harvard University began a “Big Dig” for a new science complex, they sent hordes of rats scurrying to the ‘burbs of Allston and Brighton, where they’re terrorizing everybody but a black cat named Klondike.

The "Verminator" with owner Linda Osgood (Photo - Matthew Healey, Boston Herald)

Harvard officials deny they caused the sudden infestation because they tried to gas or trap all the rats on their site before construction began. Then they installed 90 rodent-monitoring stations around the perimeter.

Hello?! That explains everything. The smartest rats escaped alive, and the monitoring stations are keeping them away. You’d think the geniuses at Harvard would recognize Darwinism at work.

The hardy survivors are raiding trash cans in their new ‘hood. The food must be good because one resident joked that the rats are “big enough to put saddles on.”

Circumstances have turned 4-year-old Klondike, who lives in Allston, into the Verminator. He bags anywhere from 1-3 rats a day, leaving their lifeless carcasses in people’s yards as a warning to any rats he hasn’t met yet.

Klondike recently brought a wounded rat into his own house for experimentation while his humans were at work to make sure he was operating at peak efficiency. Borrowing a page from Dick Cheney’s playbook, he tried “enhanced interrogation techniques” on it all day, but gleaned no useful intelligence on enemy activities.

The classic feline approach, “Kill now, Ask questions never,” is still far superior.

I urge all Boston cats to follow Klondike’s example and get to work. They say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, so it’s up to us to remind the vermin who always wins when it’s Cat vs. Rat.

Vermin are Making News Again

By Fred

I warned people about getting too chummy with vermin after that huge rat turned up in Papua, Indonesian New Guinea. Now a 6-pound bamboo rat with a 12-inch tail and inch-long teeth has been found strolling through a residential area of Fuzhou, China, a city with a population of 6 million people.

You know that rat’s got family nearby.

Some man who apparently skipped history class the day they learned about Black Plague decided to grab the thing by the scruff of the neck, stuff it in a bag, and take it home. Here’s the fool holding his catch of the day:

"Mmmm, rat. It's lip-smacking good." (Photo - News.163.com)

The question now is, what are his intentions? The Chinese consider rats an excellent source of protein, if you know what I mean. (Cats, too, I hear. They’ll eat anything.)

I suspect that sucker ended up as ratatouille.

Covering the rodent beat right here at home, I discovered the American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association. Really. They have breeds and shows where their best specimens compete, like the world needs high-quality vermin.

People deliberately breed these things, and the ones who aren’t show quality sometimes end up in laboratories participating in gruesome experiments.

It seems to me that this hobby could cause problems with our relations with India. That country is overrun with rodents and people starve because rats beat them to the rice.

While I have nothing against finding new and exotic ways to kill vermin, I draw an ethical line at bringing them into the world solely to doom them. Where’s the sport in that?

Rats Risk Their Lives to be Useful

By Fred

The Chinese Year of the Rat, which ends January 25, 2009, proved lucky for vermin. African Giant Pouched rats have two new career paths, although one is kind of kamakazi.

In Mozambique, rats in cute little harnesses and leashes (just like the red one Yul got for his aborted attempt to meet Santa) sniff out vapors from old landmines. Their noses are more sensitive than mechanical devices, and they’re so light on their feet, they don’t trigger explosions.

"Landmines smell just like kimchi!"

In fact, they’re making dogs, who could do this job, look oafish and inept.

Humans are so excited, they’re considering using rats to find landmines in other parts of Africa, Asia, and Europe. I personally have no problem with exposing rats to this sort of danger, but I would caution people against getting carried away.

You may train a rat to walk on a leash, but he’ll never be your friend. Don’t forget who brought you the Black Plague in the Middle Ages.

In Tanzania, rats are detecting less-than-microscopic traces of tuberculosis in human saliva samples. That must make for nice chit-chat at rodent cocktail parties:

“And what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a spit sniffer.”

Rats are much cheaper than sweatshop labor. When a rat finds what he’s looking for, he scratches, and is rewarded with a piece of fruit or a nut.

You may wonder, if the rats are so smart, why haven’t they realized they can just scratch and get the treat because humans can’t immediately tell if the rat’s done the work?

Here’s what rat trainer Bart Weetjens thinks: “That would be human behavior. The rats are more honest.”

If you’re interested in adopting one of these rodents (no, I’m not kidding), here’s the site for you.

Does Mickey Mouse Deserve to Die?

By Yul

Mickey Mouse has never been linked to a single Satanic verse, yet Syrian Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid made statements recently on Saudi Arabian TV that sounded to untrained Western ears a lot like a fatwa against the Disney character.

While discussing the poor hygiene and health hazards posed by rats and mice, he made the point that colorfully clothed, cute, and lovable Mickey Mouse is sending the wrong message about vermin to children.

Would this mouse give you Plague?

Cats Working doesn’t often come to any rodent’s defense, but we think Mickey was slandered.

Granted, cats would have been happier if Walt Disney’s inspiration for a timeless character whose ears have become the overriding motif of theme parks and cruise ships had been a CAT. But no one can accuse Mickey Mouse of having any part in raiding pantries, overrunning cities, or spreading deadly diseases.

That’s as crazy as saying Barack Obama “pals around” with terrorists.

Mickey Mouse is a CARTOON.

To his credit, when word of Sheikh Al-Munajid’s fatwa spread around the world, even he recognized how ridiculous it sounded and set the record straight in English on YouTube.

But to help Obama get a head start on improving Middle East relations, I’ll promise the sheikh this:

Cats have been watching Mickey Mouse for years. If he ever steps out of line and needs killing, rest assured, we will take care of him.

Down with ‘Work Like a Dog Day’

By Yul

August 5 is “Work Like a Dog Day.” I’m a cat, and I’m steamed.

Humans can be foolish, but to declare a holiday with greeting cards to celebrate working long, tedious hours at pointless tasks for little or no reward is going too far – way too far.

I couldn’t find the origins of this travesty, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Spencer Johnson’s fingerprints are on it somewhere.

In 1998, Johnson wrote what cats consider the most hilarious and ridiculous book of all time – Who Moved My Cheese?

It’s a flimsy fable about two mouse-size humans named Hem and Haw. It became a best-seller because managers love imagining themselves as the dark, invisible forces that hold the power of life or death over scared, hungry mice whose survival depends on finding cheesy handouts in a confusing maze.

We’ve never met anyone who read that book without being ordered to do so by their boss.

Since there isn’t enough cheese in the world to get anyone excited about celebrating “Work Like a Mouse Day,” I think Johnson settled for the next best thing – dogs – because working like a dog is so cliché, it’s an easy sell.

He may even be working on an equally inane sequel, Who Moved My Beggin’ Strips®?

What we really need is “Work Like a Cat Day.” It’s the only one that makes sense. Cats work smarter, not harder. We get the job done with time for catnaps to spare. And we do it while looking poised, graceful, and fabulous.

A sensible blogger named Layla at Be Gifty recommends Karen’s book, How to Work Like a Cat, as the purrfect antidote for “Work Like a Dog Day.”

I couldn’t agree more. That’s why Fred, Adele, and I inspired her to write it.

Have Cats Been Playing the Met?

By Fred

Thanks to mice who snuck in for free, the Metropolitan Opera House in New York racked up 13 health code violations in April. Who ever knew vermin are into opera? Imagine what notes a soprano could hit if a mouse ran up her leg onstage.

A rodent’s home is his castle – literally.

The Department of Health and Mental Hygiene found signs of rodents in both food and non-food areas. But to put this in perspective, they say the average NYC restaurant earns 15 points. So the mice must have shown at least some class in their posh surroundings by not leaving crap on everything.

A spokesman for the company that runs the Met’s Grand Tier Restaurant said “procedures were put in place” to deal with the little visitors, but no one knows what they are.

If they were smart, they hired cats instead of Terminex® for the job. We’re clean, quiet, odorless (at least, the non-sprayers), and use no harmful chemicals. If in the mood for a nosh, we’ll throw in carcass disposal for free.

Often, all it takes is the presence of a few cats in a place to send the little pests packing. They can’t stand us because we’re bigger, smarter, adored by humans who love to hear us purr, and have nicer tails.

The building was inspected again this week and seemed rodent-free, but the Met isn’t saying how they did it. If they want to keep it that way, they need to set up a comfy bed and litterbox somewhere on the premises and bring in a resident exterminator.

India Desperately Needs Cats

By Fred

Sam’s Club’s decision to ration rice in the U.S. might not be a bad idea unless you have a taste for tiny turds in your Rice-a-Roni.

The world’s second largest rice producer, India, has a huge vermin problem. Hundreds of millions of rats are pigging out on rice crops and in granaries and causing widespread famine in the northeastern state of Mizoram.

About every 50 years, bamboo in India produces an over-abundance of fruit and seeds, which rats consider delicacies. Fat, happy rats produce more rats. Once they finish the bamboo, they turn to people food, and then you’ve got trouble with a capital T.

The last bamboo surge and major rat problem was in 1959. Do the math.

Things were getting bad in 2007 when the Indian government started offering 5 cents apiece for rat carcasses, but it didn’t make a dent.

The only solution to India’s problem is so simple, I’m amazed they didn’t think of it in the 50 years they’ve had to prepare. They should have been stocking up on kitty litter.

The U.S. leads the world in cat ownership with 76,430,000 at last count. India isn’t even in the top 10, although it’s home to well over a billion people, more than 17% of the world’s potential cat owners. Big mistake, obviously.

Let millions of cats loose, and India could say “Bye-Bye” to its rat troubles in a matter of weeks.

I propose that India’s government start offering tax breaks to cat owners. It’s a win-win for everybody but the rats. Impoverished people won’t even have to choose between feeding themselves or their cats. We thrive on Nature’s most perfect food – it’s ratsalicious!

Pope Benedict is a Cat-holic

By Yul

Pope Benedict XVI arrives in the U.S. today to a warm welcome from Catholics – and cats. He’s well-known around Rome for stopping to chat with and feed strays. He even authorized a cat to be his official biographer. I’m not kidding.

The Vatican doesn’t allow pets these days. They say it’s a security thing. But there’s ongoing debate over whether the pope shares his papal apartments with two cats, one of them a former stray he owned before. The Vatican won’t confirm or deny, so I’m surprised nobody has checked for cat hair on his robes.

When the archbishop of Los Angeles, Cardinal Roger Mahony, was in Rome for the pope’s inauguration in 2005, he said, “The street talk that the pope loves cats is incorrect. The pope adores cats.”

MSNBC reported that the pope has a black-and-white cat named Chico living back home in Tübingen, Germany, but I couldn’t find any other references to this particular cat. I think they got their story jumbled.

Chico is actually a 9-year-old ginger tabby in Pentling, Germany, who befriended the pope in his cardinal days when they were next-door neighbors. Chico’s owners now take care of the pope’s house, which he still visits occasionally. He had hoped to retire there.

Chico enjoys sitting on the pope’s lap while he plays the piano and reminisces.

In 2007, Chico wrote and published his friend’s pre-Vatican life story in a children’s book called Joseph and Chico – A Cat Recounts the Life of Pope Benedict XVI.

Italians are happy to have a cat-loving pope because they’re still grateful to us for leaping in to help rid the country of plague-carrying rats who were killing them in the 13^th century. Italy is one of the most progressive countries in the world in promoting animal welfare. Since 1991, it’s been illegal to kill healthy dogs and cats in shelters.

So even though mass means “hairballs” to cats, we’re pleased to welcome Pope Benedict. It comes as no surprise that a man who was born as Joseph Rat-zinger became a lifelong cat-lover.

Ratsketball, Anyone?

By Fred

I tend to ignore any ball that won’t fit under the couch, so when I sat on the Richmond Times-Dispatch this morning, I was astounded to see vermin basketball on the front page.

The Science Museum of Virginia’s assistant director, Laura Kramer, apparently had nothing better to do with 4-5 months than teach rats the game.

The rodents’ court is a Lucite aquarium with hoops at each end, and it isn’t regulation-size. But I guess rats on a real basketball court would just take off and infest the place.

The rats hold a little Whiffle ball in their teeth and run with it because they’re not tall enough to dribble. When they shoot at their netless hoops (nets would just get gnawed off), if the ball goes in, the rat player follows it through in a maneuver Kramer calls the “body dunk.”

Their games last 5 minutes, and only 2 rats play at a time. Currently, the museum has 5 rats who take turns playing twice a day. Two other rats are bench-warmers for failing to grasp the intricacies of the game.

Just in case you’re thinking these rats play for the love of the game, they’re really motivated by Post Grape-Nuts cereal. They get a treat for every basket. While one rat chomps his reward, the other rat steals the ball to score and get his treat. If they keep it up, they’ll soon be looking like sumo wrestlers.

I wouldn’t mind showing rats how cats play sports. We’d punt them through the stairway banister, bat them around the bedroom, lob them across the living room, and slap shot them under the sink. They’d have a ball!

Mouse Flies to Atlanta for Spring Break

By Yul

Before dawn on March 13, Delta flight 4704 from Des Moines to Atlanta was preparing for boarding when a flight attendant saw a little furry unticketed passenger scurrying through the galley.

Citing “health and safety” issues, Delta delayed departure for about 30 passengers for 5 hours while they inspected the plane’s equipment and wiring for vermin-related damage.

No one knows how the mouse got on board.

They set out traps with peanut butter, but any mouse smart enough to hop a flight to escape Iowa’s cruel winters for a southern destination would know the risks of airline food. Otherwise, they’d have found its corpse in the galley – either starved or poisoned.

When passengers were finally allowed to board after 11 a.m., the crew wasn’t proclaiming, “Mission Accomplished,” so you know the mouse outsmarted them and got away.

But some cats in Georgia are meowing, “Bring it on!”