Oslo to Obama: No Pressure!

By Yul

Nobody saw it coming — Norwegians putting Obama’s feet to the fire with a tongue-in-cheek Nobel Peace Prize. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to see my fellow black cat win a prize, but that one? For what?

It’s still business as usual in Iraq, and if Obama heeds his generals, things are about to take an ugly turn in Afghanistan.

For a change, everyone seems to agree on one thing: Obama was recognized mainly for not being George W. Bush. On the other hand, the day the Nobel was announced, we hauled off and bombed the moon.

Looking for ice. Yeah, whatever.

Obama is increasingly much talk, little action. Just ask gays. Or people waiting for deliverance from the scourge of private health insurers. On that score, Obama hasn’t just taken a backseat to Congress, he’s locked himself in the trunk. It’s become blatantly obvious that health insurance “reform” is all about protecting insurers’ precious profits. Any change that would actually reduce cost and waste — the private option, expanding Medicare, single payer — is DOA.

But will Obama be able to end Bush and Cheney’s wars? Will he de-nuke Ahmadinejad and get the Middle East to accept Israel? Will he ever get Americans to stop screaming and making themselves look foolish to the rest of the world?

I’m guessing not, and Obama will someday be hiding the Prize in a closet, but you have to applaud Norway’s off-beat way of reminding our president that talk is cheap and results would be nice.

What if Cats Wore Burqas?

By Adele

Since his wife Carla keeps a closet full of Dior, it’s no surprise French President Nicolas Sarkozy sees nothing chic about burqas and niqabs, those head-to-toe black things some Muslim women wear. Yesterday in a speech to parliament, Sarkozy called those women “prisoners behind a screen” with no identity, subservient and debased, and declared such dress unwelcome in France.

That got me thinking…what if by some bizarre twist of nature, dogs could make cats wear burqas? Forcing us under wraps with nothing but our eyes to contend with is the only way they could ever get the upper paw on us.

Dogs would be free to romp and play and pee everywhere. Cats would become identical-looking nonentities — sweltering in the sun, unable to run, jump, eat, or even wash our faces in public.

The robes would drag through our kitty litter, stifle our natural grace, keep our tails between our legs, and make vermin lose all respect for us. Before long, the planet would be teeming with rats gone wild and the plague would make a comeback.

Cats — useless, faceless, helpless — would have to sit there and watch mankind get wiped out while dogs just stood around barking their heads off.

If God, Allah, or Whoever intended for any of us to be shapeless blobs, we’d have been built that way in the first place. But we’re not. We’ve got parts and we’re supposed to use them.

I hope Sarkozy’s attempt to liberate Muslim women is accepted graciously, without riots or violence. He only wants to see who they are and let them realize their full potential.

In Iraq, Bush is “Man’s Best Friend”

By Fred

Those were no lame ducks George W. Bush made when he dodged a pair of shoes hurled at his head in Iraq, during his last visit at American taxpayers’ expense.

The incident got replayed on the news so many times, it looked like the whole room joined in. Our media’s only regret seemed to be that Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes, wasn’t wearing something with a stiletto heel.

I’m still trying to make sense of it all. I don’t get why Arabs revile something they must wear every day to protect their feet. By that logic, they should also loathe their headgear, underwear and, particularly, their handkerchiefs.

And then al-Zaidi yelled at Bush: “This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” like it was the worst possible insult.

Canines should be miffed, but I guess they can’t take to the streets in protest like the humans because the Iraqis have been shooting and poisoning dogs made stray by the invasion and occupation like everything’s their fault.

Bush, a dog-owner himself, took no offense to any of it. Possibly the remark was relayed in translation to him as, “He’s saying you’re his best friend!”

Later, Bush did claim to reporters that he saw al-Zaidi’s “sole.”

Meanwhile, al-Zaidi sits in jail while thousands of protesters who loved his behavior demonstrate, waving shoes and chanting, “Bush, Bush, listen well: Two shoes on your head!”

I hope that sounds better in their language. Here, shoe references will never have the relevance or immortality of, “Bush lied, people died!”

Move Over Lawrence, it’s Laura of Afghanistan

By Adele

Laura Bush must think there’s blockbuster potential in braving the wilds of Afghanistan in nothing but a pantsuit and pearls. Over the weekend, she made her third unannounced visit.

“Oh, no. Not again!” you can almost hear President Hamid Karzai wailing.

To keep al Qaeda and the Taliban off-guard, the crafty White House claimed Laura was some lowlier official. That way, it wasn’t too embarrassing that lots of taxpayer money was wasted protecting her when nobody even considered her worth a bomb or a bullet.

When she went to Bamiyan Province about 100 miles west of Kabul, they put her in a flak jacket and flew her in a nondescript Chinook chopper that dutifully bobbed and weaved over “suspicious” areas while machine-gun-toting soldiers lobbed flares out the doors to deflect nonexistent heat-seeking missiles.

That macho show must have thrilled Mrs. Bush, but it was lost on insurgents who were too busy negating her claims that the country’s making fine progress. They killed 3 British soldiers and 11 policemen, and made a kidnapped journalist turn up dead.

But nothing could wipe that glazed look or pasted-on smile from the First Lady’s face, a familiar expression that appeared in virtually every photo taken of her – with our troops, Afghan women, and children.

Speaking of children, she handed out tote bags in an orphanage to kids who’d probably be glad to trade “stuff” for living parents.

Still incognito, Laura flew out in a cargo plane specially fitted with a 60-foot RV for her comfort.

They never heard of seat cushions?

She and George met in Slovenia for a European Union summit, then they’re heading to Germany, Italy, the Vatican, France, England, and Northern Ireland on one last all-expenses-paid summer spree to visit leaders who are most likely counting the minutes until the Bushes leave the White House.

Would Obama Suck Up to Hitler?

By Fred

Speaking before Israel’s Knesset last week, George Bush alluded that Barack Obama’s such a wimp, he would have tried to make nice with Adolf Hitler. Back home, Bush’s Mini-Me, John McCain, quickly seconded the notion.

They both know all it takes is a hint at Hitler to upset people.

If the right people had tried talking to Hitler during his early, crazy-speech days, who knows? Maybe he could have been stopped before he wasted millions of innocent lives.

It’s called “knowing your enemy,” and I’d like to think Obama would have tried it before Hitler started conquering Europe and made military retaliation the only option.

Today, Iran’s President Ahmadinejad also makes crazy speeches, but so far he’s given no sign that he won’t listen to reason and bombs are the only answer. In fact, he tried to communicate directly with Bush by letter, only to be ignored.

I don’t get why Republicans prefer battlefields to conference rooms. It’s like they hate to complicate things by learning the other side’s true intentions and capabilities. They’d rather just start killing.

Come to think of it, that was Hitler’s approach. Kill now, ask questions…never.

And they make talking sound really perverse and nasty by calling it appeasement, bargaining, concession-making, conciliation, capitulation, weakness.

When one government dictates how the world should run, like ours is doing right now, negotiation and compromise become 4-letter words. Freedom and democracy become oxymoronic.

God forbid our leaders should look potential foes in the eye, gauge their honesty, and try to correct misunderstandings or reach agreements. Let’s just start a war over imagined wrongs or the mere possibility that verbal threats will be carried out. After all, that’s worked so well in Iraq.

I hope the next president lacks Bush and McCain’s empty, arrogant sense of superiority and isn’t above talking to anybody before the shooting starts. We’ll never win friends and influence people by killing them.

Continue Protecting Cheney? Are they Kidding?

By Fred

The Secret Service wants to spend $4 million to provide protection for Vice President Dick Cheney for at least 6 months after he leaves the White House. Talk about throwing money down a rat hole.

As far as I can tell, rat holes are precisely where Cheney spends most of his time, hiding from all the terrorists his wars have created. It’s easy to picture Cheney scurrying through the DC sewer system from one undisclosed location to another, sticking his head out occasionally to predict, “Six more years of war. So what?”

They’re trying to justify continuing to guard Cheney by saying they did the same for Al Gore, Dan Quayle, and even Hubert Humphrey.

The only difference is that none of those Veeps engineered the deaths of 4,000+ American soldiers, maimed umpteen thousands more, and “freed” countless innocent Iraqi civilians by getting them murdered.

I don’t know why humans haven’t thought of this, but there’s a much cheaper way to give Cheney all the protection he needs. You just hand him a shotgun and promise him a lifetime supply of buckshot.

He’s already proven that he’s perfectly capable of shooting the face off anyone who gets in his way. Grant him immunity from prosecution (which he seems to have anyway), and watch the bodies start stacking up.

Seriously, Cheney deserves the same level of security he’s leaving the U.S. with – none. Thanks to his and Bush’s “anything goes” attitude toward torturing and killing anyone outside their own families, terrorists think anything they do is just tit for tat and nobody’s safe.

Dick Cheney on a Peace Tour?

By Fred

Just when I wondered what ever happened to Dick Cheney, he slithers from under his undisclosed rock and shows up in Baghdad. Why? To celebrate 5 years of American occupation, nearly 4,000 American deaths, and probably to promote war with Iran before he leaves office.

Cheney asking General David Patraeus, “Have you got enough bombs for Tehran?”

The last thing the Middle East needs is more blood-thirsty fanatics, including Cheney and John McCain. McCain just dropped in on Iraq for a photo-shoot to remind voters his nose is firmly up Bush’s butt when it comes to prolonging wars.

McCain’s itching to continue squandering billions on bombs and bullets while the U.S. economy goes under the fridge. What he and Cheney call “success” in the troop surge, the Iraqis call a “lull” in violence.

The Iraqis realize you can’t eliminate killers by out-killing them. Republicans thinking they can wipe out terrorists is as silly as cats thinking they can wipe out rats.

Sure, we can kill some vermin and scare the rest into hiding, but we’ll never make them extinct because they breed like – rats. There will always be a next generation.

This sudden faux concern for the Middle East seems a sorry attempt to whip up fear before the election. It worked in 2004 when they said, “You can’t change political parties in the White House while there’s a war (or 2 or 3) going on.”

What they omit, and some voters are too dense to fill in, is that these guys started these wars. The only way to end them is to put a sane, intelligent person in the Oval Office for a change.

Cheney visiting the Middle East to discuss peace is so ridiculous, it makes a cat laugh. Don’t be surprised if he comes home with another war under his belt.

Laura Bush, Stay Annoying. It’s Working!

By Adele

I’ve suspected that our glassy-eyed First Lady with the Stepford Wife smile wants her approval rating in the toilet with her husband’s by the time they leave Washington or he’ll never forgive her. That’s why she suddenly started yowling about the government crackdown on democracy in Burma.

And went to the United Arab Emirates to talk about breast cancer with women she couldn’t even see. I guess she didn’t think there are any women in the U.S. who’d discuss it face-to-face with her.

(Photo by Kamran Jebrili, Reuters)

On February 1, she dressed in red and trotted over to The Today Show to prove she knows what heart disease is.

All her efforts to be a model nonentity for unaspiring females everywhere seem to finally be paying off. According to the Pew Research Center, she’s come down from a 70% favorable approval rating to 54%, and her unfavorable rating has risen from 18% to 29%.

Overall, her favorability has dropped only 16 points compared to George W’s 25 points, but it shows that she’s obviously doing something right. By the time the two of them pack up to return to Crawford next January, the White House staff should be diligent about not letting any doors hit them in the ass.

I don’t want to be accused of being a negative kitty, so let me provide a rundown from Pew on Laura’s current favorable ratings. You have to subtract from 100 to figure the percentage that either views her less than favorably or is too clueless to have an opinion:

Group	Favorable Rating
Democrats	39%
Independents	51%
Republicans	82%
Under age 30	39%
Age 30-49	53%
Age 50-64	64%
Age 65+	63%

I was just a kitten when George and Laura Bush moved into the White House, so she’s the only First Lady I’ve ever seen in action. I assume “living in a fog” was just her unique interpretation of her job duties. So no matter who gets elected, the next First Lady has got to be more interesting – even if she’s a man.

George Bush’s Middle East Comedy Tour

By Yul

Who needs the USO when you’ve got George “War Solves Everything” Bush spreading laughter on a peace tour in the Middle East?

In his wackiest routine yet, Bush is trying to get the Israelis and Palestinians to kiss and make up by the end of the year.

I don’t know how Israel’s Olmert and Palestine’s Abbas keep a straight face. But if they ever bond over anything, it’s got to be their common contempt for Bush. You can just imagine what they say behind his back:

“We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs for decades. It’s our lifestyle. What makes this American clown think we want to stop before he’s out of office, when he’ll be leaving his own two wars going strong? Why must we be the ones who polish this idiot’s legacy? Can’t he get anyone in his own country to do it?”

Bush, undeterred by his utter inexperience in making peace, says he’s willing “to be a pain if I have to be a pain” to make it happen in this case. Obviously, he forgets he’s already the biggest pain in that region.

They have to dismiss everything he says as a joke because while he’s delivering his one-liners, he’s got U.S. Navy warships in the area playing Chicken with Iranian speedboats, looking for any flimsy little reason to start a third war.

Better U.S. presidents than Bush (which is to say all of them) have been trying for years to get the Palestinians and the Israelis to share that great sandy litterbox they both call home. Every attempt has met with nothing but empty promises to be good, then more underhanded catfighting. Only a dumb dog would think he can change the outcome.

Bush Wants Everyone Else to Give Peace a Chance

By Yul

This week, President Bush is hosting a conference in Annapolis for reps from more than 40 countries. He suddenly wants to end the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

It seems ludicrous for the man who’s done more single-handedly to destroy peace in the Middle East lately to be the referee in this. Especially since he’s already made it clear whose side he’s on by never showing much regard for the Palestinians.

I can sum up the whole Middle East problem in one word: Cats. They’re all acting like cats. Scrappy alley cats.

We’re known for being loners, but there’s nothing wrong with that because we don’t go around starting wars.

We don’t because we’re not religious. You’ll never hear a cat say, “My Maker is better than your Maker, so you die.”

Eons ago, we learned to co-exist with our nemeses – dogs – even though there’s almost nothing we like about them.

What surprises me is that Ehud Olmert, Mahmoud Abbas, and the rest are humoring Bush by even showing up, instead of telling him to go clean up his own messes in Iraq and Afghanistan. And New Orleans, while he’s at it.

It seems unlikely that the Palestinians will ever accept Israel as long as it acts like an unruly kitten. No firmly established cat likes to have some interloper come into his home, kick him out of his favorite bed, eat from his bowl, use his litterbox, steal his best catnip, destroy his toys, and generally show no respect for his existence.

Fred and I have managed to live in relative peace for my 11 years, but it takes maturity. Cats can get along if they quit all the, “You give in first,” “No, you give in first,” “No, you give in first,” posturing and simply STOP fighting.

If cats can do it, why not people?