What if Cats Wore Burqas?

By Adele

Since his wife Carla keeps a closet full of Dior, it’s no surprise French President Nicolas Sarkozy sees nothing chic about burqas and niqabs, those head-to-toe black things some Muslim women wear. Yesterday in a speech to parliament, Sarkozy called those women “prisoners behind a screen” with no identity, subservient and debased, and declared such dress unwelcome in France.

That got me thinking…what if by some bizarre twist of nature, dogs could make cats wear burqas? Forcing us under wraps with nothing but our eyes to contend with is the only way they could ever get the upper paw on us.

Dogs would be free to romp and play and pee everywhere. Cats would become identical-looking nonentities — sweltering in the sun, unable to run, jump, eat, or even wash our faces in public.

The robes would drag through our kitty litter, stifle our natural grace, keep our tails between our legs, and make vermin lose all respect for us. Before long, the planet would be teeming with rats gone wild and the plague would make a comeback.

Cats — useless, faceless, helpless — would have to sit there and watch mankind get wiped out while dogs just stood around barking their heads off.

If God, Allah, or Whoever intended for any of us to be shapeless blobs, we’d have been built that way in the first place. But we’re not. We’ve got parts and we’re supposed to use them.

I hope Sarkozy’s attempt to liberate Muslim women is accepted graciously, without riots or violence. He only wants to see who they are and let them realize their full potential.

Cheney’s for Gay Marriage & Pigs Fly

By Yul

The sport of Republican-on-Republican bashing got more interesting when the No. 2 windbag betrayed his own party, telling the National Press Club, “People ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of arrangement they wish.”

Dick Cheney tried to skirt the issue as VP because his youngest daughter, Mary, is a lesbian. But now since he’s the Man Who Can’t Shut Up, his babbling is getting increasingly outrageous, shredding whatever ideals and dignity the Republicans have left.

No. 1 windbag, Rush Limbaugh, will resort to cannibalism if Cheney keeps it up. Rush can’t let the coldest, snarliest Republican — the guy who’d rather shoot people in the face than look at them — become a simpering pile of goo because Mary gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.

Apparently, Cheney found no cloven hooves or tail on his grandson Samuel, and sees that Mary doesn’t lick him to bathe him, or feed him regurgitated worms and grubs.

Cheney must have been further reassured when his blood ties to this child didn’t cause coarse hair to sprout on his palms or turn him against his own wife — the Republicans’ greatest fears when gays get together.

So Cheney thinks being gay isn’t all bad, and gay marriage legislation should be left up to the states.

He’s wrong. The federal government should make civil unions the national standard between all humans who want to hook up, carrying the same rights and benefits across the board.

“Marriage” should be split off as a separate, optional religious ceremony, since it’s largely symbolic and irrelevant day to day, like taking Communion or being baptized. Each faith can decide who they’ll allow to get married.

It’s called separation of church and state. Why does it take a cat to point this out?

Donald Trump’s New Language: Bimbo

By Adele

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is so fluent in Bimbo-Speak, men like Donald Trump, who should know better, are using it.

This morning Prejean was on The Today Show with her new protector, Trump. He’s letting her remain 1^st runner-up in the Miss USA Pageant and staunchly defends her nude photos, even though she lied about their existence to pageant officials.

“Most of these girls are models,” Trump has said. “And look, Carrie is a seriously good looking girl. Because of her looks, [they] are making such a big deal with this.”

So if she looked like Susan Boyle, nobody would mention it?

As to why Prejean didn’t win the Miss USA title, Trump said, “She was asked a very tough question.”

Yeah, it was, “Do you believe in gay marriage?”

Here’s Prejean’s Bimbo-Speak at its finest:

“I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage (apparently unaware California just banned it). And you know what? I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

Believing everything she heard as a child has really saved her time on thinking now.

But the truly tough question came today when Matt Lauer asked her if we’ve seen all her nude photos. She couldn’t answer.

Prejean whines she’s being punished for exercising her right to free speech in giving what Trump described as “an answer from the heart.”

Yet Prejean is hell-bent on denying gays the freedom to follow their hearts, becoming a spokesperson in the National Organization for Marriage’s campaign against same-sex marriage.

On the other hand, as a standard-bearer for its ugly, exclusionary agenda, NOM couldn’t have done better than choosing a vacuous bimbo with fake boobs who poses for sleazy pictures and then lies about it. She should do NOM proud.

Bourdain & Waters Face Off: Reconciliation or Duel?

By Karen

On May 14, Anthony Bourdain hops over to Hartford to be on a “Food for Thought” panel at the Connecticut Forum with Alice Waters, the California restaurateur who “bugs the living shit” out of Bourdain for advocating that everyone eat fresh, locally-grown produce, even when it’s prohibitively expensive. Cheekily nominating herself to be on Obama’s “kitchen cabinet” to ensure he gets the country eating right was what landed her between Bourdain’s crosshairs.

Now, Michelle Obama did dig up the White House lawn to plant a vegetable garden, but admits she enjoys sneaking to Five Guys for a burger, and President Obama and Joe Biden lunched at Ray’s Hell Burger last week. Obviously, fresh veggies only go so far with the First Family.

I’m guessing it will take more than a fruit basket to quell Bourdain’s philosophical clash with Waters. Oh, and the unfortunate bystander on the panel will be The Ace of Cakes’ Duff Goldman.

In other news…

Shades of Grey writes about recently discovering Bourdain. Where has she been? (Warning, annoying music accompanies her post, but you can silence it. Scroll down to the “Spring Mix” heading and click the largest button in the purple playlist.)

And here’s some video of Bourdain and others being asked to compare various recording artists to food for Average Betty at the UCLA Extension 13^th annual Restaurant Industry Conference.

Bourdain would appreciate this rant that he and Iron Chef inspired in Chatterbox Sara against Semi-Homemade’s Sandra Lee. I just recently read a bit about Lee’s nightmarish childhood and wonder if all this abuse will ever make her crack. (I know, Tony would say, “Too late.”)

And blogger hungry4morefoodie, who uses the tagline, “Who exactly is this Anthony Bourdain?” and claims her favorite book is Kitchen Confidential, still has the temerity to wax eloquent about a lunch at Olive Garden. Adding insult to injury, she also doesn’t think Applebee’s sucks. Her affection for the chains Bourdain always mentions as what’s wrong with American cuisine makes her brazen hijacking of his catch-phrase (in lieu of composing something clever herself — you know where Cats Working stands on that) seem like blasphemy.

To end on a side note, Top Chef judge Toby Young was recently hit by a car while bicycling around London — in the middle of the night — so his lack of wit would seem to extend beyond the judges’ table.

Michelle Obama vs. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy: A Draw

By Adele

Now that we’ve seen the evening wear competition, Michelle Obama’s quirky fashion unsense must be giving Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the First Lady of France, some food for thought.

"Check the guest room. The drapes have been stolen!"

Carla was in no danger of being out-classed by Michelle’s coat, which looked like it might have been a gift from Queen Elizabeth straight out of her late mother’s closet. Michelle can pull off loud prints, but that pussy bow (yes, that’s what they’re called) put it over the top for fussy. Carla’s similar bow, on the other hand, looked trés chic with her simple gray coat.

Is Carla (right) going for the Maria Von Trapp look?

Michelle scored points with patent-leather kitten heels (my favorite, naturally). Carla’s flats were Dior, but price isn’t what counts. Flats with any dress look dowdy.

Who's looking at Carla now?

Once the coats came off, Michelle’s fuschia dress was fabulous. With her sleek hairdo and large, friendly presence, Michelle made Carla seem almost limp and mousy.

Shirley Temple or Joe Namath? You decide.

That evening there was a NATO function in Baden Baden, Germany. Michelle’s sleeveless, full skirted frock wasn’t bad, although a bit girlish for her age.

You can tell Carla's had more practice at this. (Photo - Michael Sohn, AP)

But Carla hit it out of the park, achieving just the right quietly elegant tone with a modest, yet stunning, black dress and contrasting evening bag.

After Michelle’s get-ups in England, I expected Carla to mop the floor with her, but it didn’t happen. However, it could have been a fashion blood-bath if Michelle hadn’t had the good sense to lose the Marge Simpson beads and the cardigans.

Michelle Obama’s G20 Fashion Unsense

By Adele

First Lady Michelle Obama is inspiring in many ways, but almost every time she dresses for a special occasion, she brings out my cattiness.

This week she’s in London at the G20 summit. The press is raving about her wardrobe, comparing her to Diana and Jacqueline Kennedy. They both must be flipping in their graves.

Givenchy, Chanel, and Oleg Cassini vs. J.Crew® and Jason Wu? Puhleez!

So far, the only lovely outfit Michelle has worn was that bright yellow number upon her arrival in England.

She lucked out when the First Lady of France, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, decided to stay home this week. Carla embodies French chic and has the svelte figure to pull it off. She can’t help making Gordon Brown’s wife Sarah and Michelle look frumpier than Laura and Barbara Bush.

I hope the buttons on that sweater got combat pay.

Michelle wore this pale green skirt with a beaded and rhinestone cardigan in the morning to visit cancer patients. Could you ever picture Jackie or Diana in that situation in that getup?

Later that day, Michelle donned a black cardigan sweater to meet the Queen of England, and didn’t even attempt a curtsy.

What's with the Marge-Simpson-inspired necklace with everything? (Photo - John Stillwell/AP)

But you know the royals must be chuckling at our new First Lady’s artless fashion gaucherie. She almost makes Camilla look stylish.

At least I haven’t seen Michelle in any more full skirts with petticoats so far, which only look good on someone young enough to pair them with Mary Janes and white, lace-trimmed anklets. (Got that, Sarah Jessica Parker?)

UPDATE: I spoke too soon. Michelle went out with the other G20 wives last night wearing a Carrie Bradshaw denim-colored full skirt with — you guessed it — an Argyle cardigan and those Marge Simpson beads.

Let’s face it, Michelle’s warm, friendly, super-smart, and has the arms of a boxer, but she’s got issues. Pencil skirts and pastels aren’t her friends. She should wear vivid colors and body-skimming styles — and lose those lousy cardigans — to play up her assets.

Nadya Suleman Bites the Hands Feeding Her Kids

By Adele

Four of the octuplets are now home, and Nadya Suleman took another step toward losing all 14 children. The good news is that nonprofit group Angels in Waiting probably dodged a bullet.

The honeymoon between Nadya and 4 Angels nurses lasted exactly 5 days before Nadya threw them out. She suspected the Angels founder of spying for Child Protective Services.

It seems the Angels had rescinded their generous offer to bankrupt themselves providing round-the-clock care to all 14 kids (due to few donations from an outraged public, perhaps?), and was just training Nadya’s own hand-picked nannies.

Where Nadya’s getting all the green to pay for a bigger house and a paid staff is anybody’s guess.

Now, Nadya and home visitors from the Kaiser Permanente hospital where the octuplets were born will be doing the training.

Anyone could see trouble coming when that abrasive celebrity ambulance-chaser, Gloria Allred, got in on the act, representing the Angels and hitting the airwaves to ask for donations.

And Dr. Phil’s still playing both ends against the middle. He’s interviewing the Angels on his show this week, even though Nadya fears they’ll “bash” her.

It makes you wonder how Nadya’s treating those kids that’s got her so worried.

My prediction is that an inside job will ultimately cost Nadya custody. She recently declared the kids will never know their father by vowing to protect his identity, so one of the older kids will get the authorities’ attention by venting his frustrations in school, giving them an excuse to go into Suleman’s home and find the chaos.

Bonus: Jimmy Kimmel spoofed Nadya giving birth. It’s funny, if technically inaccurate. She delivered the octuplets by C-section.

First 2 Octuplets Join the Circus

By Adele

Kaiser Permanente agreed to let the 2 largest octuplets be Nadya Suleman’s guinea pigs.

Nadya enjoyed an Angelina Jolie moment leaving the hospital with the babies. The paparazzi was savage all the way, leaving dents in her new garage door from their pounding. They frightened Nadya so much, she called the police for protection until she was safely inside her house — with her own camera crew.

Her mother and a gaggle of Angels in Waiting caretakers were also there. They claim they’ll care for the babies as Nadya would and bed them down with Nadya’s scent so they’ll be able to pick their mother out of the crowd.

It warms the heart, doesn’t it?

Meanwhile, the 6 previous kids must navigate this mob, watching all the adults’ obsess over the tiny preemies. Isaiah is 5 lbs. 13 oz. and Noah only 5 lbs.

The remaining 6 octuplets are expected to go home in pairs, and they’ll share 4 cribs in one room. So cute — as long as they all remain shorter than half a crib. Then what? The new house is only about 2,600 square feet — 4 bedrooms, 3 baths. Still not large enough for 15 people and a constant stream of helpers.

Angels in Waiting plans to stay as long as public donations last, and they apparently hope donors don’t realize their money is going down this deeply dysfunctional rat hole. I couldn’t find a word about Nadya’s touching plight on their Web site.

I also can’t explain my fascination with this slow-motion train wreck. The most frustrating thing is that all the attention and assistance may distract Nadya from ever realizing she’s probably inflicting lifelong scars on her 14 fatherless kids by raising them in a zoo.

Will Nadya Suleman Stop at 14 Kids?

By Adele

Since IVF is to octuplet mom Nadya Suleman what water is to a Chia Pet, should we believe her assertion to Dr. Phil that 14 kids are enough? Let’s see…

When she had only 6 kids, Nadya lived in obscurity with her bankrupt mother in a crowded pigsty on the verge of foreclosure.

With 14 kids, her new digs worth $565,000 are being refurbished at no cost by an army of volunteers, with lots of free new furniture courtesy of Dr. Phil.

With only 6, Nadya’s mother struggled to raise them alone while Nadya went off and got pregnant with 8 more.

Now, a dozen caregivers a day, 24/7, from a non-profit called Angels in Waiting will raise all 14 for $135,000 a month — all in public donations — until a disgusted public cuts the Angels off and they go bankrupt, too.

With only 6, Nadya was an unemployed mooch living on government handouts.

Now, she’s pimping her litter to every willing media outlet, claiming she’s leasing the new house with her earnings.

If there were any justice, Nadya would be up to her eyeballs in dirty diapers, vomit, and screaming, neglected kids until she begs Social Services to find them proper homes with two loving parents who aren’t insane.

But thanks to Dr. Phil, Nadya’s dodging all consequences. Using her children as his excuse to bask in her notoriety, Phil is repaying her in freebies.

Don’t be surprised if Phil’s got a special show lined up to “restore” Nadya’s self-esteem with a free tummy tuck and a fresh lip job.

Now addicted to the limelight, I’m betting Nadya won’t stop at 14 if the attention begins to wane.

Meanwhile, her new neighbors will watch the next generation of fatherless criminals grow up. In a rare honest moment, Nadya admitted the first 6 aren’t adjusting well to the notion of 8 more.

The 10 boys will probably start with petty vandalism, maybe torture a few pets, light some fires, then graduate to assault, theft, and worse as they hit their teens.

The 4 girls already have “unwed teenage mother” written all over them.

I’m not saying the kids are bad. They’ll just be be the product of third-party rearing, starved for attention because Mom was always away pursuing fame and getting her nails done.

When Nadya’s second PR flack recently quit, he summed it up by saying that Nadya’s “nuts” and “greedy.”

For the well-being of mankind, I’d like to hear that Nadya Suleman has been spayed.

The Nadya Suleman Paradox

By Adele

Two men from octuplet mom Nadya Suleman’s past have come forward, forcing us to ask, “Why are nice guys attracted to scheming liars?”

Denis Beaudoin told Good Morning America he dated Nadya “seriously” from 1997-99. Now he knows Nadya was married and living with Marcus Gutierrez from 1996-2000.

Denis says Nadya claimed she had ovarian cancer but wanted children and persuaded him to give her sperm samples on 3 occasions. Now he thinks he knows what she did with them and wants a blood test, but Nadya’s not cooperating and denies he’s her children’s father.

Denis, now married with 2 sons, says Nadya’s situation has upset his family, but he wants to help raise her kids whether they’re his or not because she’s “a really great girl.”

And ex-husband Marcus just talked to Inside Edition. Now he knows Nadya was cheating on him for most of their marriage because, once she realized she had fertility issues, he refused to consider IVF. But he still says she’s “a great person.”

After they split in 2000, Nadya wasted no time having her first child alone in 2001. Although Nadya has told the media she “didn’t want to hold Marcus back,” she refused to cooperate when he filed for divorce, so it was granted to him by default in 2008. He’s now remarried with 2 children.

Nadya’s children are doomed to grow up fatherless because she had no use for 2 decent men who still wish her well, despite her non-stop deception.

Denis and Marcus should count their blessings. They’ve escaped Nadya’s sucking vortex of need. Her parents and 14 children aren’t so lucky.