Will the Pope Revive His Love of Cats?

By Cole

I hated to see all this happen to a nice cat guy like Pope Benedict…

He learned  the hard way not to trust some sticky-fingered creep who stole papers off his desk and leaked them to the media, as if the Catholic Church didn’t already have enough problems. Because that act just exposed the fact that Benedict was trapped on the set of The Real Loaves-and-Fishwives of Rome, featuring a cast of ambitious men in dresses who thrive on petty jealousy and drama.

I imagine Benedict made up his mind to bag the whole thing one morning in the shower when he realized he was getting too frail to maintain a good grip on the soap. It was only a matter of time before he dropped it — and had ordained pervs lined up around the block to get a shot at him.

So he did what any sane celibate in such an untenable situation would do. He gave his two weeks’ notice. Instead of burning any bridges with, “Take this job and shove it,” he took the high road and quit in Latin so hardly anybody knew how he worded it.

To earn his final paycheck, he did a couple of appearances before a few hundred thousand people, then flew off into the sunset, leaving the troops to stew over their next move, since they were only trained to deal with dead popes.

Benedict wisely didn’t offer to stick around until they hired the new guy, or to help show his replacement the ropes (like where to hide his stuff from thieves assistants.)

Nope, he’s moving into a convent to spend the rest of his life trying to engage God in conversation.

Rotsa ruck with that.

A convent is his safest bet. It he meets any pervy nuns, they probably won’t want a piece of him.

I just hope the Vatican crowd doesn’t try to condemn Benedict to permanent solitary confinement and he’s able to get out and socialize, visit his family, and befriend some deserving cats to atone for the Vatican’s sinful “No Cats” rule.

With any luck, the convent ladies will be good Cat-holics, and allow Benedict to have as many cats as he wants.

Romney Finds His Soulmate

By Cole

In Hollywood parlance, I’m not sure if the new Republican ticket is Ryney (to rhyme with “whiny”) or Roman (pronounced like the cheap packaged noodles 99% of Americans will be eating if this pair wins).

On August 11, Mitt Romney continued his grand Foot in Mouth Tour with a visit to Virginia, standing in front of the battleship USS Wisconsin (because Republicans apparently need their symbolism that size to get it) and introducing to the world “the next president of the United States,” Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

You could almost hear foreheads being slapped off-camera as Ryan took the stage and began to speak, while Romney’s handlers turned Mitt around, saying, “YOU’RE the next president, REMEMBER??!!!”

Then Romney rudely interrupted Ryan by popping back into frame to explain with a nervous chuckle that he (Mitt) sometimes makes mistakes (ya THINK?) but, “I didn’t make a mistake with this guy.”

I predict that moment will be replayed widely on November 7 after Obama’s re-election, as Romney’s famous last words.

Paul Ryan is Sarah Palin in pants. Young (42), eager, ambitious, attractive, and rabid to spout off whatever the nuttiest fringe of the base wants to hear.

Granted, Ryan is intellectually leap years ahead of Palin because he does his homework, but the results are so far out in left field, he might as well be an idiot.

For starters, Ryney claim they can cut taxes and reduce the deficit simultaneously.

It sounds great in campaign-speak, but in plain English they’re saying, “We’re going to take in less money but pay more of the bills.”

And do this while increasing defense spending. In prep, perhaps, for yet a 3^rd Republican-instigated war — tag-teaming with Israel to make Iran a parking lot?

The only way they can possibly do all this is to brutally slash programs that actually help people, like Social Security, Medicare, infrastructure maintenance (roads, bridges), and education for starters.

It’s said Romney feels totally comfortable with Ryan, a red flag right there. Also, both men have kept their hookup under wraps since August 1, and Ryan intends to divulge only 2 years of tax returns. That should tell us something about how open and transparent a Romney administration would be.

The only comfort in all this is knowing that the vice-presidency is the world’s biggest non-job, and you can’t believe ANY candidate’s promises. Once they’re faced with Congress, all bets are off and it’s every greedy crook for himself. All these 10-year projections of deficits, savings, and surpluses are baloney because these guys won’t be around to see them through.

Romney took a bold chance picking his veep. He should ask John McCain how that worked out in 2008.

Romney Demands More Secrecy from Obama

By Cole

In a speech at a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention yesterday, Mitt Romney finally admitted, “The time for stonewalling is over.”

Unfortunately, he wasn’t talking about his refusal to let voters see exactly how many millions (or billions) in taxes he’s dodged over the years.

He was referring to the Obama administration’s leaks of national security intelligence, and demanded a full investigation (although one is already in progress).

According to Romney, belatedly revealing our military’s brilliance in taking down Osama bin Laden constitutes “contemptible” behavior.

He also called Obama’s treatment of Israel “shabby,” although Israel isn’t complaining.

He also accuses Obama of “betrayal” by undermining our allies.

It’s like watching a Boy Scout try to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.

Coincidentally, right now Romney is flitting through a bizarre little junket to Israel, Poland, and Great Britain to boost his foreign policy cred. As if being photographed shaking hands with guys who happened to have an hour free on their schedules to meet a powerless presidential wannabe gives him any.

Romney seems to overlook his own ceaseless betrayal of the citizens of Massachusetts who elected him governor, and now have to listen to him kvetch about the healthcare system he established for them because Obama is doing something similar on a national scale.

As most Republicans know — nothing the black guy does can ever be good enough or right — even if they thought of it first themselves.

From what we’ve seen so far of Mitt, he’s woefully lacking in specific, constructive plans, but hard to beat when it comes to duplicity, evasiveness, and secrecy.

Romney as president would make Richard Nixon look as forthcoming as a Penthouse centerfold.

John McCain’s ‘Scorn and Disdain’

By Cole

And a Merry Christmas to him, too.

Obama’s finally putting a lid on Bush’s wrongheaded fiasco in Iraq, and Republicans are stomping their sour grapes. Apparently, squandering $1 trillion and killing 4,500 Americans and 100,000 Iraqis isn’t enough. The GOP wants more waste and bloodshed under its tree this Christmas.

On the final combat troop withdrawal, John McCain declared to the Senate, “I believe that history will judge this president’s leadership with the scorn and disdain it deserves.”

Yeah, like McCain’s stellar “leadership” when he unleashed that opportunistic nitwit, Sarah Palin, as his running mate. Three years later, she’s still spewing stupidity across the lower 48.

Republicans claim that Iraq is still so unstable, it will probably fall into Iran’s arms and stop being our friend.

Since we decided to shove democracy down its throat, when has Iraq ever been our friend? If Iraqis haven’t learned self-governance after nearly 9 years of hand-holding, what makes McCain think they’ll catch on if we stay 9 more — or 100?

Granted, facing reality is a real strain for Republicans, but the fact is that being a mess is the norm in the Middle East. We’ve watched them riot and depose murderous rulers they’ve tolerated for decades, only to end up going, “Ruh, roh! Now what?”

Even if Arab countries could fulfill their hearts’ desire and wipe out Israel, they’d probably just start picking fights with each other and escalate hostilities toward Christians, just for the fun of it. That region will NEVER be mini-America.

Nor should we want it to. Nearly half the U.S. is living in poverty or close to it, with little hope of escape.

Inadequate, unaffordable healthcare is steadily sucking the economy dry with NO end in sight, but Americans are in poorer health than those in most other industrialized nations.

Republicans have “scorn and disdain” for our black leader and try to keep him from accomplishing ANYTHING whenever they can.

Is that what McCain wants the Middle East to aspire to?

If they really do love this country so much and want to lead it again, McCain and his cronies would do better to stop deifying every wack-job who comes down the pike wanting Obama’s job, forget countries they can’t control, and start getting proactive about what CAN be fixed here at home.

Why Investigate Gadhafi’s Death?

By Cole

Last week while she was visiting Libya, Hillary Clinton told an audience of students…

“We hope he [Gadhafi] can be captured or killed soon so that you don’t have to fear him any longer.”

She got her wish. Within days, Moammar Gadhafi was dragged out of a drain pipe like a common sewer rat, beaten by the people he’d terrorized for decades while they ignored his pleas for mercy (he’d taught them well), and put of out his misery with a bullet (or several) to the head.

There’s now debate over whether the rebels executed him on the spot, or he bled to death en route to the hospital. His body was seen in an ambulance by Holly Pickett, a freelance photojournalist.

You say tomato, I meow tomahto…

Hillary’s saying she backs a UN investigation into how it all went down.

Why? Who cares? Somebody offed the bad guy. He’s a national hero. You want to put HIM on trial?

You can’t have it both ways, Hillary. You wanted Gadhafi dead, so don’t start acting all concerned now about the circumstances. The world agreed he needed killing. It’s done.

It’s better than paying for his upkeep in prison for years while he just went crazier and used his trial as a stage to deny his greed and atrocities, claim he was still beloved by all, and just piss everybody off even more.

We all know that could only have ended with his execution.

So rather than miring the country for years in the phony game of “Justice for Gadhafi,” he’s history and they can begin RIGHT NOW to rebuild the country.

NATO and the UN should just let the sleeping dog lie.

You Might be a Religious Extremist if…

By Cole

Boob-tube buffoon Bill O’Reilly got his tail in a fluff when the New York Times labeled Norwegian mass-murderer Anders Breivik a “Christian” extremist. O’Reilly absurdly accuses the media of routinely lumping fundamentalist Christians in with Muslim jihadists to make them look bad — like they need any help.

It doesn’t matter what stripe you are. Extreme is extreme. Here’s a little test:

You might be a religious extremist if…

• Your belief system comes from a book written eons ago, whose purpose and authorship cannot be verified, and whose wording can be twisted to mean whatever you want it to mean.
• You think everyone who doesn’t share your belief system should be 1) Oppressed, 2) Denied basic civil liberties, 3) Killed, or 4) All of the above.
• You are proud you belong to a group that needs some earthly cheerleader telling you how to think and act. You may even be willing to donate large amounts of time and money — or even your life — to this group.

Glenn Beck had the gall to imply that the kids who were mowed down in Norway were like Hitler youth, as if they had it coming.

If he had any idea how totally offensive that must be to Norwegians who know or remember how Hitler treated Norway during WWII, he’d keep his ignorant cake-hole shut.

Fundamentalist Christians have been responsible for enough bloody chapters in history and violent right-wing nut groups (KKK, anyone?) to stand toe-to-toe with anything Muslims have ever done.

You don’t see liberals and atheists screaming for more guns so they have the option of shooting abortion doctors, gays, or political opponents. No, they’re free-thinkers who don’t need the whole world to share their beliefs, and they’re harder to herd and brainwash than cats.

So, O’Reilly and Beck, if you don’t like having the gun-toting bigots you call fans lumped in with a gun-toting bigot who decided everyone in Europe who isn’t like him needs to die, too bad.

If the shoe fits…

Princess Catherine: 1 – Michelle Obama: 0

By Adele

For this year’s European tour before the G8 summit, Michelle Obama gave more thought to her packing.

Remember when Michelle dropped in on the Queen at Buckingham Palace in 2009 wearing that frumpy black cardigan over a white blouse and black skirt — and touched the Queen?

Michelle's total "no-no" moment. (Photo - Daniel Hanbury/AP)

Well, this time, Michelle also got to meet the Duchess of Cambridge a.k.a. Princess Catherine a.k.a. the former Kate Middleton, a young woman whose sense of style has been wowing the world.

Michelle was all aglow. Literally. Every stitch she wore, including her shoes, had a sheen. And she wore a huge jeweled brooch. Before 5.

At least she didn’t try to add her “signature touch” by throwing some of her studded leather gladiator gear around her waist.

Here they are…

Kate meets Barbie

They say Kate’s off-the-rack dress cost roughly $340.

Michelle’s designer frock, estimated at $2,000+, was straight from daughter Sasha’s Barbie Doll collection — with its kicky poof skirt and undersized bubble-gum jacket.

Kate wore classic black closed pumps. Michelle let her gnarly bare heels hang out in metallic gray slingbacks whose pointy witch toes extended her feet, which nobody can accuse of being dainty, by another inch.

I will give the point to Michelle for her hair, and they say her makeup was nicely done.

You can’t look at those two without thinking someone must have switched their closets — that is if Kate, post-age 12, would ever let herself be caught dead in Michelle’s get-up.

It would have made America proud to see our first lady at Buckingham Palace in that classic beige sheath, holding an elegant little black clutch, instead of looking like the tart at the tea party.

If Kate could ever be coaxed into Michelle’s dress (whose flowery print resembled that worn by Kate’s 85-year-old grandmother-in-law), I feel sure Kate would at least lose the pink jacket.

Now I can’t get the voice of Countess LuAnn from The Real Housewives of New York out of my head, screeching, “Money can’t buy you claa-ass!”

Oops! He Thought She was a FRENCH Maid…

By Adele

…And it was their little game. That’s Dominique Strauss-Khan’s story and he’s sticking to it.

OK, the woman wasn’t wearing a black miniskirt, fishnets, frilly apron, and cap, nor did she wield a feather duster. But she entered his room, he was naked, and that’s all the encouragement he apparently needed. 

In an ironic twist, it’s been rumored the maid may be HIV-positive. Her lawyer denies it, but let’s hope the mere possibility scares S-K enough to keep his pants on if he’s ever a free man again, which is looking iffy.

It’s a classic he-said-she-said. But you have to wonder why a young widow from Guinea with a daughter to raise, who was smart enough make a new life in the U.S with steady employment at a classy place like Manhattan’s Sofitel, would suddenly jeopardize it all by cavorting — on the job — with an unknown geezer — and then run right to her employer and blab about it.

On the other hand, this scenario has been a fantasy for S-K for a while because he described a similar situation in an interview weeks ago, claiming it wouldn’t surprise him if political enemies rigged it to set him up.

So if he believed that could happen, WHY would he play along? It just proves he doesn’t have the good sense to run a country or the International Monetary Fund.

This case will undoubtedly hinge on the woman’s believability when she testifies and the DNA evidence police collected.

Meanwhile, “the Great Seducer,” the potential next president of France, sits in solitary at Rikers with no shoelaces, on suicide watch, facing 25 years in the slammer.

Adding insult to injury, a woman back in France is claiming he jumped her 9 years ago and compares his amorous technique to a “rutting chimpanzee,” which jibes pretty much with what the maid said.

Even his wives concede he’s always been a serial cheater. No. 3 is standing by her man. She must have missed all the recent stories about how that worked out for Maria Shriver.

With “Friends” Like Pakistan…

By Yul

We did the happy dance at the news Osama bin Laden “sleeps with the fishes,” as Cole put it on Twitter. But after hearing details of the raid, every American right up to President Obama should be asking the Pakistani government…

WTF?

Osama’s compound was purpose-built in 2005 a mere mile from the Pakistani equivalent of West Point. Many residents in the surrounding neighborhood are supposedly retired military.

Do the Pakistani armed forces recruit only the blind?

For 6 years, NOBODY saw anything suspicious about this residence, which the media keeps describing as the “poshest” in the area, surrounded by 18-foot walls topped with barbed wire?

If this place is "posh," I'm a German Shepherd.

Osama had barely hit the ocean floor before our politicians started pussyfooting around, trying not to hurt Pakistan’s feelings. But this much is obvious to any idiot…

If the Pakistani government knew bin Laden was there all these years and didn’t tell us while we wasted a fortune hunting him in Afghanistan, they are the biggest two-faced backstabbers ever and should be thankful we don’t follow up by bombing them off the map.

If the Pakistani government didn’t know bin Laden was there, they are too stupid to run a country and FAR too incompetent to be entrusted with $7.5 billion in aid we’ve promised them over the next five years. Money, I might add, we don’t even have to give.

Either way, the good old American purse needs to be snapped shut on Pakistan until their government does some serious ‘splainin’ about their relationship with bin Laden and al-Qaida.

Our government has believed that we could buy Pakistan and Afghanistan’s loyalty and cooperation. But now the leaders of both countries have shown us they are frenemies who can’t be trusted.

It’s time to stop throwing money and lives down that rat hole.

Royal Wedding Secrets Revealed

By Adele

Thank goodness, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding went off without a hitch. You’ve seen it all, but I’ve uncovered a few tidbits you won’t find anywhere else. I’m tardy reporting them because I had to wait for confirmation through our network of well-placed sources (don’t ask; I’d have to shred you). Let’s just say that a Portuguese Water Dog and a few Corgis were “in the loop.”

It was a miracle Kate managed to keep her wedding gown a secret, but a handful of insiders know the dress spawned a mystery that tracks back to the White House.

It seems that Michelle Obama sent Kate a secret gift, accompanied by a handwritten note. A smeared draft was found when a wastebasket got knocked over during a game of Fetch. It said…

Dear Miss Middleton,

Barack and I offer congratulations to you and Prince William. While I’m sure your wedding dress will be lovely, I’d like to offer my assistance and a foolproof fashion tip.

You’ll find that the accessory I’m enclosing will complement any outfit — casual or formal — and make your waist look TINY! And since it’s a vintage piece from my personal collection, it will qualify as “something old” on your wedding day!

Best wishes,
Michelle

PS:
I know you and William are trying to stay on a budget, so if your gown needs a certain “je ne sais quoi,” my designer suggests crumpled dryer sheets. Worked GREAT on my inaugural gown; people said I looked just like a bride. Bonus — They smell heavenly!

The package contained a 3” wide, black leather, metal-studded belt. Maybe this one.

Well, Kate’s gown wasn’t belted and her dress had no Bounce detailing. And since Kate and William left Buckingham Palace, the official response to media inquiries has been, “What belt?”

The day after: Where's Michelle's belt? (Photo - John Stillwell, WPA Group/Getty Images)

And…

While William was showing Prince Charles how to do marriage right at Westminster, Charles was taking notes. Either Camilla’s on thin ice, or Charles must think he’ll need to give Harry “the talk” some day.

Whenever he thought the cameras weren’t on him, Charles pulled a keychain Sharpie from his sleeve to discreetly scribble on his palm. By the end of the ceremony, he’d run out of skin and used one of Camilla’s hands. An eagle-eyed source who received some petting from the couple back at the palace was able to make out this list…

1. Be in love with who’s walking down the aisle.

2. Don’t lie about your intentions for her to the bishop.

3. 2 billion witnesses are watching.

4. Her name — remember it.

5. The vows apply to both of you.

6. Today gives her first dibs on your bed.

7. Don’t let them see you’d rather be fishing in Scotland.

Kate couldn’t have been a more perfect, classic bride. Her dress will be considered elegant and stylish 100 years from now. I hope all the strapless, backless Bridezillas out there now realize how sexy sleeves can be.

And if Diana’s example taught her sons anything, it’s how to treat a woman right — or else. I think William will make a great husband and father, and I hope we’re all around to see the next next king and his bride take the throne.

PS: Monday’s usual Bourdain report is postponed until tomorrow. Tonight’s No Reservations is a rerun of Haiti.