Oslo to Obama: No Pressure!

By Yul

Nobody saw it coming — Norwegians putting Obama’s feet to the fire with a tongue-in-cheek Nobel Peace Prize. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to see my fellow black cat win a prize, but that one? For what?

It’s still business as usual in Iraq, and if Obama heeds his generals, things are about to take an ugly turn in Afghanistan.

For a change, everyone seems to agree on one thing: Obama was recognized mainly for not being George W. Bush. On the other hand, the day the Nobel was announced, we hauled off and bombed the moon.

Looking for ice. Yeah, whatever.

Obama is increasingly much talk, little action. Just ask gays. Or people waiting for deliverance from the scourge of private health insurers. On that score, Obama hasn’t just taken a backseat to Congress, he’s locked himself in the trunk. It’s become blatantly obvious that health insurance “reform” is all about protecting insurers’ precious profits. Any change that would actually reduce cost and waste — the private option, expanding Medicare, single payer — is DOA.

But will Obama be able to end Bush and Cheney’s wars? Will he de-nuke Ahmadinejad and get the Middle East to accept Israel? Will he ever get Americans to stop screaming and making themselves look foolish to the rest of the world?

I’m guessing not, and Obama will someday be hiding the Prize in a closet, but you have to applaud Norway’s off-beat way of reminding our president that talk is cheap and results would be nice.

What if Cats Wore Burqas?

By Adele

Since his wife Carla keeps a closet full of Dior, it’s no surprise French President Nicolas Sarkozy sees nothing chic about burqas and niqabs, those head-to-toe black things some Muslim women wear. Yesterday in a speech to parliament, Sarkozy called those women “prisoners behind a screen” with no identity, subservient and debased, and declared such dress unwelcome in France.

That got me thinking…what if by some bizarre twist of nature, dogs could make cats wear burqas? Forcing us under wraps with nothing but our eyes to contend with is the only way they could ever get the upper paw on us.

Dogs would be free to romp and play and pee everywhere. Cats would become identical-looking nonentities — sweltering in the sun, unable to run, jump, eat, or even wash our faces in public.

The robes would drag through our kitty litter, stifle our natural grace, keep our tails between our legs, and make vermin lose all respect for us. Before long, the planet would be teeming with rats gone wild and the plague would make a comeback.

Cats — useless, faceless, helpless — would have to sit there and watch mankind get wiped out while dogs just stood around barking their heads off.

If God, Allah, or Whoever intended for any of us to be shapeless blobs, we’d have been built that way in the first place. But we’re not. We’ve got parts and we’re supposed to use them.

I hope Sarkozy’s attempt to liberate Muslim women is accepted graciously, without riots or violence. He only wants to see who they are and let them realize their full potential.

Michelle & Carla Fashion Face-Off: Part Deux

By Adele

For her second trip to France, Michelle Obama left the bedspreads on the beds. Instead, she and France’s First Lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, both channeled the angels by wearing white dresses to the D-Day commemoration.

Michelle didn’t gamble with another getup whipped up on spec. She played it safe with New York chic; a Narciso Rodriguez coat over a Michael Kors dress.

Carla wore a short black coat over a simple Dior dress with an inventively folded neckline. A petite black belt complemented her dainty figure, and she traded the usual Maria Von Trapp flats for kitten heels.

Sarah Brown with Carla and Michelle (Photo - Getty)

Unfortunately, Michelle indulged her weakness for glitz before dark, wearing silver Jimmy Choos that were lovely, but too frivolous for a daytime ceremony honoring the dead.

And who could take their eyes off that wide silver belt cinched within inches of Michelle’s armpits? It was by Givenchy, and seems destined to become a must-have for women who aspire to look like a dumpy dominatrix on any occasion.

Poor Sarah Brown, the British prime minister’s wife. Obviously, nobody told her it was a competition, so she showed up looking appropriate, yet plain. Someone please get her a 3-way mirror and steer her to the proper size.

Later, sightseeing in Paris with Malia and Sasha, Michelle showed French women she also knows her way around a scarf by draping a lovely one around her neck.

(Photo - Medina/Getty)

Both first ladies definitely upped their fashion game, but I give this round to Carla.

Simple Solution to the Pirate Problem

By Yul

What is the world coming to when packs of young men in cheesy little speedboats can terrorize mammoth cargo and passenger vessels?

These so-called Somali “pirates” don’t even know enough to fly a skull and crossbones.

It’s sad when life is so bad that hostage-taking becomes a viable career option. But they’re hijacking vessels trying to bring them food and aid. As a way of overcoming poverty, it’s self-defeating.

And now the civilized world is wringing its hands over whether to arm crews of the targeted ships, and where the captured pirates should be put on trial.

Consider this: the crew of Maersk Alabama was unarmed, and it took circling warships and the USS Bainbridge 5 days to kill just 3 pirates and rescue the Alabama’s captain, Richard Phillips.

Cost? Probably millions.

This past weekend, the Italian cruise ship MSC Melody had Israeli security guards on board who, embarrassingly, had to retrieve pistols from a safe while passengers kept a gaggle of pirates from climbing up the side by throwing deck furniture at them. But gunfire from the ship eventually repelled the attack.

Cost? A few bullets, plastic tables, and chairs.

It’s a no-brainer that all crews sailing the Indian Ocean should be armed, with orders to shoot to kill if attacked.

It also resolves the question of whose laws will prevail for crimes committed in international waters. Dead pirates need no trial.

The world must confront these seafaring thugs. The next bunch of pirates who sets sail needs to know the sea will be littered with little ghost ships crewed by skeletons or the rotting, bullet-riddled corpses of their predecessors.

If certain death becomes the immediate reward for attacking a ship, the pirates’ career prospects on land should look a lot brighter.

To Preserve U.S. Dominance, Cut Off Obama’s Hands?

By Yul

You’d think Barack Obama French-kissed Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez at the Summit of the Americas the other day, for all the hoo-ha their handshake caused.

Where's the threat in this? (Photo - TimesOnlineUK)

As Obama meets other world leaders for the first time, some people are upset that he’s politely listening rather than preaching. Doesn’t he realize the U.S. embodies the absolute perfection every other country should strive for? That he should remind them of it every chance he gets?

Right. We’ve got more white-collar crooks and gun-riddled corpses per square inch. Not to mention a healthcare system that costs billions more than theirs yet benefits millions of people fewer.

I see no down side to friendly relations with every country in North and South America — including Cuba, which has already annexed southern Florida — creating a cooperative powerhouse of shared interests. It could come in handy if Russia, China, or South Korea start lobbing missiles at us and we need backup.

Eight years of George Bush’s bravado left many fences to mend. That’s what Obama’s trying to do, one handshake at a time. He never said he’d take Bush’s place as the world’s schoolyard bully, so why expect it now? He’s smart enough to know there’s no “winning” any war against countries with an inexhaustible supply of ignorant fanatics willing to die for their cause.

Somebody has to say “Enough’s enough,” so why not us, the model of perfection? Let’s get back to leading by example.

Many conservatives claim to be Christian, yet clamor loudest for Obama to display more rudeness and hatred. Whatever happened to “turn the other cheek?” Where in the Bible does it say enemies must remain enemies forever?

Every time I see Obama shake hands with another leader, no matter who it is, I feel our chances of avoiding the next war just got a little better. Anybody who has a problem with that is just a fool.

Michelle Obama vs. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy: A Draw

By Adele

Now that we’ve seen the evening wear competition, Michelle Obama’s quirky fashion unsense must be giving Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the First Lady of France, some food for thought.

"Check the guest room. The drapes have been stolen!"

Carla was in no danger of being out-classed by Michelle’s coat, which looked like it might have been a gift from Queen Elizabeth straight out of her late mother’s closet. Michelle can pull off loud prints, but that pussy bow (yes, that’s what they’re called) put it over the top for fussy. Carla’s similar bow, on the other hand, looked trés chic with her simple gray coat.

Is Carla (right) going for the Maria Von Trapp look?

Michelle scored points with patent-leather kitten heels (my favorite, naturally). Carla’s flats were Dior, but price isn’t what counts. Flats with any dress look dowdy.

Who's looking at Carla now?

Once the coats came off, Michelle’s fuschia dress was fabulous. With her sleek hairdo and large, friendly presence, Michelle made Carla seem almost limp and mousy.

Shirley Temple or Joe Namath? You decide.

That evening there was a NATO function in Baden Baden, Germany. Michelle’s sleeveless, full skirted frock wasn’t bad, although a bit girlish for her age.

You can tell Carla's had more practice at this. (Photo - Michael Sohn, AP)

But Carla hit it out of the park, achieving just the right quietly elegant tone with a modest, yet stunning, black dress and contrasting evening bag.

After Michelle’s get-ups in England, I expected Carla to mop the floor with her, but it didn’t happen. However, it could have been a fashion blood-bath if Michelle hadn’t had the good sense to lose the Marge Simpson beads and the cardigans.

Vermin are Making News Again

By Fred

I warned people about getting too chummy with vermin after that huge rat turned up in Papua, Indonesian New Guinea. Now a 6-pound bamboo rat with a 12-inch tail and inch-long teeth has been found strolling through a residential area of Fuzhou, China, a city with a population of 6 million people.

You know that rat’s got family nearby.

Some man who apparently skipped history class the day they learned about Black Plague decided to grab the thing by the scruff of the neck, stuff it in a bag, and take it home. Here’s the fool holding his catch of the day:

"Mmmm, rat. It's lip-smacking good." (Photo - News.163.com)

The question now is, what are his intentions? The Chinese consider rats an excellent source of protein, if you know what I mean. (Cats, too, I hear. They’ll eat anything.)

I suspect that sucker ended up as ratatouille.

Covering the rodent beat right here at home, I discovered the American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association. Really. They have breeds and shows where their best specimens compete, like the world needs high-quality vermin.

People deliberately breed these things, and the ones who aren’t show quality sometimes end up in laboratories participating in gruesome experiments.

It seems to me that this hobby could cause problems with our relations with India. That country is overrun with rodents and people starve because rats beat them to the rice.

While I have nothing against finding new and exotic ways to kill vermin, I draw an ethical line at bringing them into the world solely to doom them. Where’s the sport in that?

Nailin’ Palin

By Adele

Charlie Gibson’s interview with Sarah Palin gave us a good glimpse into her relatively empty – but unblinkingly righteous and ambitious – mind.

It’s evident that, in her three-step climb to the summit of Alaskan politics (which precluded amassing the “big fat résumé” she now sneeringly rejects as the measure of a candidate’s viability), Washington has been nothing but her big piggy bank – the fount from which all her cherished earmarks flowed.

She was clueless when Gibson brought up the “Bush Doctrine.” To Gibson’s credit, her bluffing and transparent attempt to get him to tell her what it is fell flat.

And Vladmir Putin must be snorting vodka out his nose at Palin’s naïve belief that Alaska’s proximity to Russia gives her an advantage in handling foreign affairs. I can just hear him telling Medvedev, “The only way that silly woman will ever see Russians in Alaska is if we declare war on Canada.”

Displaying yet another breathtaking disconnect in logic, she claimed Russia had no right to invade Georgia unprovoked. She’s obviously unaware that’s precisely what the U.S. did to Iraq – and proud that her son Track just left to continue our occupation there.

McCain’s people would be wise to at least help her sound proper when she’s spouting off on things she knows nothing about. Or maybe it’s her way of showing solidarity with Bush to say nuclear as if it’s spelled nucular.

If she ever paid attention to what happens beyond Alaska’s borders, she’d realize the president of Iran is not Akmadinejhad because it’s spelled Amadinejhad.

Republicans are probably crowing over Palin’s brilliance in sparring with Gibson, but she showed the rest of us that electing her would be like putting Bush in a skirt.

The Absurdity of Krauthammer’s Obama-Bashing

By Fred

Syndicated Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer (a/k/a “Old Pickle-Puss” around here) has declared that Barack Obama hasn’t “earned” the right to give a speech July 24 in front of the Brandenburg Gate in Germany because Reagan and Kennedy were much greater when they did it. After the Germans expressed ambivalence for the idea, Obama obligingly moved to the Victory Column in Berlin’s Tiergarten Park.

I suppose that now makes Obama a flip-flopper.

It seems Krauthammer would be happiest if Obama spoke at a truck stop on the Autobahn or, even better, just rolled over and played dead.

I would agree with him that Obama (or any other candidate) campaigning in Europe is as strange as Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy, or Gordon Brown doing the same here. Except that nobody’s looking to Germany, France, or England for the answers (and money) to solve all mankind’s problems.

After we’ve allowed an idiot to spend 8 years inflicting pain en masse and calling it “democracy” – including eavesdropping, arrest without charges, torture, and death – Obama knows everyone’s watching our next move and wants them on his side.

Gee, what a dumb way for someone vying for the most influential job in the world to think. Obama’s very popular overseas, and it’s the prospect of more photos like this undoubtedly fueling it:

Old Pickle-Puss would rather elect John McCain, who must pretend to be a Bush-lover to keep his party’s clueless lunatic fringe happy, to a vibrant, articulate newcomer who’s unafraid to step onto the world stage, even though he hasn’t spent decades hanging around Congress learning how to do nothing but get re-elected. Instead of playing it safe, Obama’s willing to promise the world that he’ll do his best to clean up the messes we’ve made – and adjust his plans as necessary.

I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

Move Over Lawrence, it’s Laura of Afghanistan

By Adele

Laura Bush must think there’s blockbuster potential in braving the wilds of Afghanistan in nothing but a pantsuit and pearls. Over the weekend, she made her third unannounced visit.

“Oh, no. Not again!” you can almost hear President Hamid Karzai wailing.

To keep al Qaeda and the Taliban off-guard, the crafty White House claimed Laura was some lowlier official. That way, it wasn’t too embarrassing that lots of taxpayer money was wasted protecting her when nobody even considered her worth a bomb or a bullet.

When she went to Bamiyan Province about 100 miles west of Kabul, they put her in a flak jacket and flew her in a nondescript Chinook chopper that dutifully bobbed and weaved over “suspicious” areas while machine-gun-toting soldiers lobbed flares out the doors to deflect nonexistent heat-seeking missiles.

That macho show must have thrilled Mrs. Bush, but it was lost on insurgents who were too busy negating her claims that the country’s making fine progress. They killed 3 British soldiers and 11 policemen, and made a kidnapped journalist turn up dead.

But nothing could wipe that glazed look or pasted-on smile from the First Lady’s face, a familiar expression that appeared in virtually every photo taken of her – with our troops, Afghan women, and children.

Speaking of children, she handed out tote bags in an orphanage to kids who’d probably be glad to trade “stuff” for living parents.

Still incognito, Laura flew out in a cargo plane specially fitted with a 60-foot RV for her comfort.

They never heard of seat cushions?

She and George met in Slovenia for a European Union summit, then they’re heading to Germany, Italy, the Vatican, France, England, and Northern Ireland on one last all-expenses-paid summer spree to visit leaders who are most likely counting the minutes until the Bushes leave the White House.