Where’s Michelle Obama’s Magical Belt?

By Adele

The first Obama family portrait, taken in September by Annie Liebovitz, has just been released, and THE BELT must have been sulking. It’s not in the picture, even though it would have complemented Michelle’s black dress better than most of the other outfits she wears it with.

Perhaps the president put his foot down while they were getting dressed and refused for once to compromise. Let’s pretend I’m the kitty under the bed during their conversation…

Michelle: (Emerging from walk-in closet.) Barack, honey, could you please buckle me up?

Barack: Sure… No, wait a minute! You’re going to wear that thing in our family portrait?

M: What’s the problem? I wore a belt almost just like it all over Europe and you never complained. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy even said it’s trés chic.

B: But the girls weren’t with us on that trip. You know how much THE BELT scares them. How are we going to get them to relax and smile for Annie Leibovitz if they think you’re going to light into them with THE BELT if they don’t?

M: That’s silly. You know I’d never lay a hand on them with an expensive fashion accessory like this.

B: And what about me? The leader of the free world isn’t holding up his pants with studded leather 4 inches thick. You’re making me look like a cream puff. Fox and Limbaugh will never let me hear the end of it.

M: (Pouting as she shuffles back to the closet.) OK, OK. I won’t wear it this time, but you’ve got to promise me a big shindig on the South Lawn where THE BELT gets center stage. Deal?

B: Deal. And lose the cardigan while you’re at it. This is supposed to be a formal portrait.

Michelle Obama and Her Magical Belt

By Adele

This had to be an historical first: our First Lady doing the hula on the South Lawn. Michelle Obama kept her hoop going for an impressive 142 rotations during the Healthy Kids Fair, but I couldn’t stop staring at — THE BELT.

This is not the same belt she wore overseas. That forgettable little accessory had only 2 measly rows of studs. She has upped the ante to 3 rows to ensure that nobody fails to notice — THE BELT.

I think the whole kids fair was just a front to stage a photo op for — THE BELT.

Wide black leather worn backward so the buckle digs into her spine whenever she sits, cinched tightly over a cardigan and an untucked blouse to accentuate her caboose and make her look really bottom-heavy.

The latest belt is so wide, if she adds one more row of studs, she’ll be wearing a leather corset.

I imagine all Michelle has to do is put her hand behind her back (as if reaching to unbuckle said belt) to strike fear in the hearts of everyone in the White House, including the president. The kids begin to whimper and Bo the dog runs yelping under the bed. They all know that one wallop from THE BELT will take them down for the count.

THE BELT turns the most feminine outfit into a power suit. Michelle just has to slip into black stiletto heels to instantly become “Dominatrix of the World.”

It’s a shame President Obama didn’t make THE BELT the mainstay of his wardrobe. If he instead of Michelle had been wearing leather and studs every day since the inauguration, Congress wouldn’t have dared to let healthcare reform go totally off the rails.