Bras: Torture That’s Perfectly Legal

By Karen

I was a 46DDD back in June 2012 when I started Weight Watchers®. I’ve since had to replace my bras twice with smaller sizes, and recently started round three.

FYI to 30-something A-C cuppers: In the 40Ds, there’s no such thing as “cheap” bras if you want to look like you’re wearing one. Or pretty bras. Or comfortable bras.

Let’s just say, I’ve lately invested a small fortune in bras.

Catherine’s has wire-free Serenada® bras that were GREAT — but I hit the wall after 42DD.

I thought 40DD was next, but the store didn’t have them, and the clerk told me they don’t exist. She lied; they’re online.

By the tape measure, I’m a 36C, but reality doesn’t support that.

I’ve tried on a range of sizes in Playtex, Olga, Warner’s, Vanity Fair, Bali, Maidenform, you name it. And I discovered there’s ZERO consistency in bra sizing.

And what’s with padded, molded cups everywhere? Am I the only woman who isn’t perfectly round and perky? I can stuff my entire fist into the top of those molded cups with room to spare.

I ended up at Soma, mistakenly thinking they specialized in hard-to-find bra sizes, but they only went to DDD, and their bras are bamboo. You’re not supposed to machine-wash or mash the molded cups for risk of “damaging” them.

All other options exhausted, I got Soma 38DDD, and was advised not to pack them flat, which means buying them their own suitcase.

But the real kicker is that these relatively pricey bras ($30 on sale) have underwire that pokes, straps that won’t stay up (a sure sign of bad fit), enough room in the upper cup for my pedometer although boob bulges out my armpits, they take up my whole bra drawer, and I F**KING HATE THE DAMN THINGS.

I once saw an episode of Oprah where women in the audience learned they were all wearing the wrong size bra, and many ended up happily in G and H cups.

I feel screwed and helpless. I should probably be in a 36G, but there’s no way I’m buying an untried cup size online. Measurement tables are useless. Bra-makers are evidently acting out some sick male fantasy with cup shapes and sizes.

And a lot of women are probably paying through the nose for uncomfortable, ill-fitting bras.

So now I’m hoping that if I stick with WW a while longer, I’ll starve the girls back down to a D cup and have a fighting chance of ever finding a bra that fits.

Downsizing with Weight Watchers

By Karen

Part 6 – Getting Back Into “Normal” Clothes, Sort Of

So two weeks ago and 23 lbs. thinner, I walked into Macy’s feeling pretty cocky, wearing a pair of size 12 shorts I’d stashed away (pre-WW, I was wearing 18s).

I tried on a pair of size 14 slacks and couldn’t pull them up past mid-thigh. WTF??!! Got into some 16s, but almost fainted when I buttoned them.

A couple of XL tops fit OK but, on principle, I refuse to buy any more X sizes.

So I walked out of this HUGE sale empty-handed, feeling blimpy and demoralized.

But I think Macy’s sizes are all screwed up because 1) Lots of the stock is cheap quality, and 2) It’s made in Third-World countries where people aren’t super-sized like Americans.

Speaking of which, if about 66% of adults are overweight or obese, WHY do department stores cater mostly to the thin 34%? They don’t even carry much for regular women who would wear 10-14s. It seems like retail suicide, but it never changes.

Mainstream stores treat being large like such a shameful condition,  they often don’t even name the plus-size department. You have to hunt until you find a rack of X-sizes. If it has a name, it’s something like “Woman.” I think I’ve even seen a condescending “Missy” department somewhere.

WiseBread wrote more thoroughly on this.

But I digress…

Now it’s been 17 weeks and I’m down 24 lbs. I think I’m about halfway there. This weekend I bought 3 tops at Stein Mart that were Large and I was thrilled. My pile of discarded ridiculous-looking fat clothes is growing. A girlfriend tells me I look like I’m wearing my mother’s clothes — because they’re hanging on me. (For the record, my mother is tiny.)

I’m still unable to find any slacks because if they don’t have wide floppy legs and bag mightily in the ass and thighs, I can’t zip them. How the HELL do designers think we are shaped down there?

By WW measures, I’m only 12 lbs. overweight now, so I shouldn’t be having all these fit issues.

I’ve made my peace with WW so I no longer feel as screwed as at first — but preparing meals is still too labor-intensive.

On the other hand, the extra effort is worth it now that rejoining the 34% non-overweight minority is definitely on my radar.

And their clothes are so much cuter.

UnFoodie Becomes a Weight Watcher

By Karen

Part 1 – Why?

Because when I hit 177 lbs. in May, my scale was within spitting distance of 200 — at 5’3”.

Weight Watchers® says my ideal weight is between 113 and 141 lbs. Anything 30+ beyond that is technically obesity.

Me. OBESE? How the hell did I let that happen?

When I was 42, I weighed 113 (size 6-8) and I had a bod made for sin.

But over the past few years, I’ve become a regular at plus-size retailer Catherine’s because “normal” stores carry almost nothing that fits. Once your size has an X in it, your style options are “circus tent” or “sofa.” Catherine’s, who should empathize with their customers’ plight, features clothes with wide horizontal stripes, huge flowers, and garish geometrical patterns in case anybody might be tempted to overlook what a tank you are.

Underneath, I’ve taken to wearing enormous clown panties (size 9) and 46DD bras — big boobs are my Italian curse.

So on May 21, I joined Weight Watchers® online. I’ve done the drill twice before with meetings and it was good while it lasted, but I’m a veteran yo-yo dieter who has repeatedly lost the same pounds, only to regain them and another 10.

Weight Watchers® is basically the Taco Bell of dieting. For years, they’ve milked the sole premise that you must burn more calories than you consume, cloaking it in various schemes so you never have to say you’re counting calories.

This year it’s called PointsPlus® and it’s never been more complicated. But if you can wrap your head around it, it does work.

After 8 weeks, I’m down 13 lbs. I’ve reversed the obesity train back to Overweightville. But my ultimate destination is Slim City.

I’m not sure yet how much I need to lose. I have an absolute horror of becoming one of those stringy-necked, brittle little stick figures with lifeless hair and loads of wrinkles. I’d be content in size 8 again.

I’ve already lost 3.5” in the bust, but would love to shed another 10”. If you bemoan being flat-chested, count your blessings. You can 1) Buy cute blouses you can button and tuck in, 2) Wear belts, 3) Run and do jumping jacks, and 4) Have men look you in the eye because they aren’t transfixed by the basketballs strapped to your chest.

I’ve got a lot more to spill about Weight Watchers®, but this is a start. Stay tuned…

Princess Catherine: 1 – Michelle Obama: 0

By Adele

For this year’s European tour before the G8 summit, Michelle Obama gave more thought to her packing.

Remember when Michelle dropped in on the Queen at Buckingham Palace in 2009 wearing that frumpy black cardigan over a white blouse and black skirt — and touched the Queen?

Michelle's total "no-no" moment. (Photo - Daniel Hanbury/AP)

Well, this time, Michelle also got to meet the Duchess of Cambridge a.k.a. Princess Catherine a.k.a. the former Kate Middleton, a young woman whose sense of style has been wowing the world.

Michelle was all aglow. Literally. Every stitch she wore, including her shoes, had a sheen. And she wore a huge jeweled brooch. Before 5.

At least she didn’t try to add her “signature touch” by throwing some of her studded leather gladiator gear around her waist.

Here they are…

Kate meets Barbie

They say Kate’s off-the-rack dress cost roughly $340.

Michelle’s designer frock, estimated at $2,000+, was straight from daughter Sasha’s Barbie Doll collection — with its kicky poof skirt and undersized bubble-gum jacket.

Kate wore classic black closed pumps. Michelle let her gnarly bare heels hang out in metallic gray slingbacks whose pointy witch toes extended her feet, which nobody can accuse of being dainty, by another inch.

I will give the point to Michelle for her hair, and they say her makeup was nicely done.

You can’t look at those two without thinking someone must have switched their closets — that is if Kate, post-age 12, would ever let herself be caught dead in Michelle’s get-up.

It would have made America proud to see our first lady at Buckingham Palace in that classic beige sheath, holding an elegant little black clutch, instead of looking like the tart at the tea party.

If Kate could ever be coaxed into Michelle’s dress (whose flowery print resembled that worn by Kate’s 85-year-old grandmother-in-law), I feel sure Kate would at least lose the pink jacket.

Now I can’t get the voice of Countess LuAnn from The Real Housewives of New York out of my head, screeching, “Money can’t buy you claa-ass!”

Royal Wedding Secrets Revealed

By Adele

Thank goodness, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding went off without a hitch. You’ve seen it all, but I’ve uncovered a few tidbits you won’t find anywhere else. I’m tardy reporting them because I had to wait for confirmation through our network of well-placed sources (don’t ask; I’d have to shred you). Let’s just say that a Portuguese Water Dog and a few Corgis were “in the loop.”

It was a miracle Kate managed to keep her wedding gown a secret, but a handful of insiders know the dress spawned a mystery that tracks back to the White House.

It seems that Michelle Obama sent Kate a secret gift, accompanied by a handwritten note. A smeared draft was found when a wastebasket got knocked over during a game of Fetch. It said…

Dear Miss Middleton,

Barack and I offer congratulations to you and Prince William. While I’m sure your wedding dress will be lovely, I’d like to offer my assistance and a foolproof fashion tip.

You’ll find that the accessory I’m enclosing will complement any outfit — casual or formal — and make your waist look TINY! And since it’s a vintage piece from my personal collection, it will qualify as “something old” on your wedding day!

Best wishes,
Michelle

PS:
I know you and William are trying to stay on a budget, so if your gown needs a certain “je ne sais quoi,” my designer suggests crumpled dryer sheets. Worked GREAT on my inaugural gown; people said I looked just like a bride. Bonus — They smell heavenly!

The package contained a 3” wide, black leather, metal-studded belt. Maybe this one.

Well, Kate’s gown wasn’t belted and her dress had no Bounce detailing. And since Kate and William left Buckingham Palace, the official response to media inquiries has been, “What belt?”

The day after: Where's Michelle's belt? (Photo - John Stillwell, WPA Group/Getty Images)

And…

While William was showing Prince Charles how to do marriage right at Westminster, Charles was taking notes. Either Camilla’s on thin ice, or Charles must think he’ll need to give Harry “the talk” some day.

Whenever he thought the cameras weren’t on him, Charles pulled a keychain Sharpie from his sleeve to discreetly scribble on his palm. By the end of the ceremony, he’d run out of skin and used one of Camilla’s hands. An eagle-eyed source who received some petting from the couple back at the palace was able to make out this list…

1. Be in love with who’s walking down the aisle.

2. Don’t lie about your intentions for her to the bishop.

3. 2 billion witnesses are watching.

4. Her name — remember it.

5. The vows apply to both of you.

6. Today gives her first dibs on your bed.

7. Don’t let them see you’d rather be fishing in Scotland.

Kate couldn’t have been a more perfect, classic bride. Her dress will be considered elegant and stylish 100 years from now. I hope all the strapless, backless Bridezillas out there now realize how sexy sleeves can be.

And if Diana’s example taught her sons anything, it’s how to treat a woman right — or else. I think William will make a great husband and father, and I hope we’re all around to see the next next king and his bride take the throne.

PS: Monday’s usual Bourdain report is postponed until tomorrow. Tonight’s No Reservations is a rerun of Haiti.

Michelle Obama’s Growing Fashion Sense

By Adele

This week we’re suddenly getting a lot of searches on Michelle Obama and I realized I haven’t made any catty remarks about her clothes lately.

That’s because I haven’t caught her wearing anything hideous. Well, OK, maybe that little Bryon Lars number she wore when Paul McCartney came to the White House on June 2. The intent to be pretty was certainly evident in the fabric, and I didn’t have a problem with the sparkly belt, but that loose, wrinkly bodice was dumpy-looking. There don’t seem to be any clear still photos of it, but you can get the gist.

(AP Photo)

NY Magazine has a nice a slide show of all her fashions this year. I also think her shorter new ‘do is very flattering.

March 17 seemed to be when someone finally sat her down and had a little talk with her about belting cardigans, because this is the last time NY Mag shows her wearing a bad one.

(Photo - NYMag.com)

Michelle must have negotiated a compromise with her fashion mentor because that ugly brown and blue argyle sweater she wore in Europe with the other wives — remember, the one that she buttoned wrong, and it had such an ugly, unfinished-looking seam up the back that Gordon Brown’s wife thought it was inside out? — showed up on her again on March 27.

And she still seems to prefer them on the tight side.

(Photo - NYMag.com)

Mrs. O is a great a blog that tracks Michelle’s fashions very closely. And Michelle Obama Watch is another one.

With all the terrible images we’ve been seeing in the news from the Gulf, I’m so thankful Michelle Obama has decided to stop making herself another one and embraced that it’s OK to be an elegant First Lady.

Sex and the City 2 Didn’t Suck

By Karen

I’ve seen Sex and the City 2 twice already. I enjoyed it more than the first movie because Carrie spent less of it in a funk.

The critics have been more savage than usual. Entertainment Weekly was one exception. I agree with some of the criticism, but I hope loyal fans will make SATC2 earn enough to encourage SJP & Co. to try it one more time and get it right. Here are a few tips:

Dump costumer Patricia Field. She has no age sense and dresses herself like a bag lady She’s proven she can’t be trusted with a $10 million wardrobe budget.

"Is that black toenail polish, or did someone drop a piano on your feet?" (Photo - BET.com)

Samantha’s red dress with the mace epaulets — hideous. And why was she denied lip liner so her red lipstick didn’t feather in every scene? And was her brown lipstick at the wedding supposed to make her look as old as Liza Minnelli?

Carrie’s airplane hat and crinoline souk skirt — cringe-worthy. But her simple white dress, sensible shoes, and straw boater returning from Abu Dhabi — stunning.

In this clotheshorse race, Miranda won by 10 lengths, with Charlotte to place. Their outfits were mostly attractive and appropriate. More of those.

It’s time to forget tacky, hookerish, and mismatched and embrace elegance. In shoes, too. It’s painful to watch the ladies tip-toeing on platforms while their smashed breasts spill out of absurdly tight strapless dresses.

Locale: Stay in New York if you have to make them Ugly Americans anywhere else.

Samantha should beat menopause the way she beat breast cancer — with some class. It demeaned Kim Cattrall and the gorgeous Max Ryan to have him drill her on a jeep’s hood. They’d earned a bed.

Next time, give all the men more to do. It just a shame you’ve already played and wasted the Aiden card.

Michael Patrick King is obviously out of his element writing for men and ladies facing “the change,” so it’s time to call in some female writers to get the franchise back on track.

Nobel’s a Cardigan Event for Michelle Obama

By Adele

The Obamas traveled to Oslo this week so the president could accept the Nobel Peace Prize, and it started out promising. Michelle wore a beautiful dress and matching coat in that putrid yellow-green only she can pull off. The ensemble was designed by Calvin Klein, no less.

But under that elegant coat lurked the insidious cardigan. It was by Nina Ricci and it matched, but it slopped down the whole outfit.

Notice the tailored look of the woman in purple behind Michelle (Photo - Bauer Griffin)

Michelle, Michelle, what were you thinking? Let me crawl inside your head…

“Hmmm… We’re going to Norway in December and we’ll be meeting the King and Queen. I think I’ll pack something sleeveless and just throw on a sweater.”

At least we can be grateful she showed some restraint and left off the belt.

Stylelist follows Michelle’s fashion evolution, clearly showing that when she looks good, she looks very, very, good (photos 2, 3, 5, 7, 24, 34, and particularly 8 and 29 — very Carla Bruni-Sarkozy). And when she looks bad, she looks horrid.

I can live with the belts that match the color of the outfit (photos 4, 6, 11). But that huge black belt over the turquoise coat? Yuck!

Here it is close-up at another event.

Lately, Michelle seems to be weaning herself from studs in favor of width. In this belt, she’s going for the Roman gladiator look.

All she needs is a spear and a shield to complete the ensemble. (Photo - Kevin LaMarque/Reuters/Corbis)

Essence has a gallery of Michelle belt photos. She must have a walk-in closet full of them.

Here’s some video of Michelle’s style. The best belt shots start at about 2:30.

Where’s Michelle Obama’s Magical Belt?

By Adele

The first Obama family portrait, taken in September by Annie Liebovitz, has just been released, and THE BELT must have been sulking. It’s not in the picture, even though it would have complemented Michelle’s black dress better than most of the other outfits she wears it with.

Perhaps the president put his foot down while they were getting dressed and refused for once to compromise. Let’s pretend I’m the kitty under the bed during their conversation…

Michelle: (Emerging from walk-in closet.) Barack, honey, could you please buckle me up?

Barack: Sure… No, wait a minute! You’re going to wear that thing in our family portrait?

M: What’s the problem? I wore a belt almost just like it all over Europe and you never complained. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy even said it’s trés chic.

B: But the girls weren’t with us on that trip. You know how much THE BELT scares them. How are we going to get them to relax and smile for Annie Leibovitz if they think you’re going to light into them with THE BELT if they don’t?

M: That’s silly. You know I’d never lay a hand on them with an expensive fashion accessory like this.

B: And what about me? The leader of the free world isn’t holding up his pants with studded leather 4 inches thick. You’re making me look like a cream puff. Fox and Limbaugh will never let me hear the end of it.

M: (Pouting as she shuffles back to the closet.) OK, OK. I won’t wear it this time, but you’ve got to promise me a big shindig on the South Lawn where THE BELT gets center stage. Deal?

B: Deal. And lose the cardigan while you’re at it. This is supposed to be a formal portrait.

Michelle Obama and Her Magical Belt

By Adele

This had to be an historical first: our First Lady doing the hula on the South Lawn. Michelle Obama kept her hoop going for an impressive 142 rotations during the Healthy Kids Fair, but I couldn’t stop staring at — THE BELT.

This is not the same belt she wore overseas. That forgettable little accessory had only 2 measly rows of studs. She has upped the ante to 3 rows to ensure that nobody fails to notice — THE BELT.

I think the whole kids fair was just a front to stage a photo op for — THE BELT.

Wide black leather worn backward so the buckle digs into her spine whenever she sits, cinched tightly over a cardigan and an untucked blouse to accentuate her caboose and make her look really bottom-heavy.

The latest belt is so wide, if she adds one more row of studs, she’ll be wearing a leather corset.

I imagine all Michelle has to do is put her hand behind her back (as if reaching to unbuckle said belt) to strike fear in the hearts of everyone in the White House, including the president. The kids begin to whimper and Bo the dog runs yelping under the bed. They all know that one wallop from THE BELT will take them down for the count.

THE BELT turns the most feminine outfit into a power suit. Michelle just has to slip into black stiletto heels to instantly become “Dominatrix of the World.”

It’s a shame President Obama didn’t make THE BELT the mainstay of his wardrobe. If he instead of Michelle had been wearing leather and studs every day since the inauguration, Congress wouldn’t have dared to let healthcare reform go totally off the rails.