Joke of the Day: Credit Card Reform

By Karen

Credit card offers choke my mail every day, but card issuers call me a “deadbeat” because I pay my balances in full and on time every month. They’d much rather extort fees and interest that would have the Mafia drooling.

And now Congress and Obama are trying to “fix” credit with their so-called “crack-down” on credit card companies.

Do I sound a tad bitter? Well, I am. It smells just like their faux healthcare reform, where they’re determined to keep private insurers rolling in profits even if it kills the rest of us — financially and literally.

Like health insurers, credit card companies know how to work the system. To compensate for lost monthly fees, which comprised 70% of their profits in 2005, more cards may have annual fees. And the interest clock may start ticking the moment a purchase is made, like it already does on some cash advances. Congress kow-towed to banks by failing to cap interest rates in its legislation, so the sky’s the limit.

Since I’d never piss away hundreds in annual fees to maintain a stable of credit cards, I’ll be forced to cancel many, and that could wreck my credit rating.

Congress’ new limits don’t become effective for 9 months, so they obviously want card issuers to have a nice big window to squeeze consumers as dry as they can. It’s the only reasonable explanation for such a delay, which will only lead to more defaults and bankruptcies. Banks have computers. If they can levy fees and raise interest rates on individual accounts in the blink of an eye, they’re fully capable of making global system changes within one monthly billing cycle to comply with new laws.

You’d think with a Democratic House, Senate, and president, the little guy would finally catch a break, but it’s a rare day when Congress and the White House don’t sell us out to Big Business and tell us they’re doing us a favor.

Crazy Judge Makes Richmond VA Bankruptcy Utopia

By Fred

First he gave executives who killed Circuit City his blessing to blow the company’s last dime on bonuses for themselves. Now U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Kevin Huennekens is telling the defrauded customers of defunct LandAmerica 1031 Exchange Services the money they entrusted to LandAm is no longer theirs.

These poor suckers made the mistake of letting LandAm hold the proceeds from sales of investment properties so they could avoid paying capital gains tax while they found other properties to invest in. LandAm collected these deposits with a smile almost right up to the moment it went under.

Huenneken’s ruling that the money now belongs to LandAm is based on the loophole that customers’ agreements with the company didn’t contain the words “trust” or “escrow.”

Silly people just believed what the company stated was its whole reason for existing.

Huenneken’s anti-consumer interpretation may ultimately kill the 1031 exchange business altogether. Only an idiot would give a penny to such a company, knowing the company could disappear tomorrow and keep everything, no strings attached.

To top it off, these ripped-off customers now owe those capital gains taxes on the money Huenneken is letting LandAm steal, unless President Obama himself declares the situation a disaster and lets them off the hook with the IRS.

The customers’ only recourse is to line up with all LandAm’s other creditors and hope someone throws them a scrap.

Justice may be blind, but this ruling is so morally and ethically repugnant and utterly devoid of common sense, Huennekens needs to be de-benched and psychologically evaluated before other bankrupt companies launch the biggest siege Richmond has seen since the Civil War, seeking more sweet deals.

Home Depot will probably see a big spike in shovel sales, now that investors know a hole in the backyard is the only safe place to keep their fortunes.

Obama, if You’re Not Angry Yet, Then When?

By Yul

I’m still proud there’s a black cat in the White House, but he’s beginning to worry me. Playing Mr. Fair, Legal, Constitutional Nice Guy is never going to fix this economy.

Obama needs to remind himself that nice guys finish last. The execs at AIG could tell him, if they weren’t so busy counting the bonuses they received thanks to the loophole Obama’s people insisted on adding to the bailout deal.

It caused taxpayers to send death threats to AIG and visit some executives’ Connecticut mansions just to see how “the other half” is living on their money.

Last week Obama claimed to be “outraged” at AIG, but like most of his strong emotions, it rang pretty hollow.

And now that Congress is channeling the public’s fury and proposing a 90% tax on the bonuses, Obama says he doesn’t want to govern “out of anger.”

If now isn’t the time to be angry, when is? People are losing their jobs, homes, and life savings, and struggling to afford health care while they watch their taxes go directly into the pockets of fat cats. They’re hearing that fat cats’ employment contracts are sacrosanct, while for them it’s, “All bets are off, dontcha know? We’re in a recession!”

The only way to change this mentality of, “Bend over and shut your eyes while we shaft you good and rob you blind,” is a smack-down furious enough to get Corporate America’s attention.

If Obama can’t bring himself to unfairly tax or fire these bozos who wrecked powerful banks, then let’s do it the legal way: Prosecute them. Fraud. Theft. Criminal Negligence. Take your pick.

There’s no such thing as playing fair with crooks. At least behind bars they can do no further harm.

Waiting for AIG to Do the Right Thing

By Fred

Washington is furious over AIG’s plan to waste $165 million taxpayer dollars on bonuses to incompetent executives, but Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) had the best idea:

“I suggest… the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they’d follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.

“And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide before they make any apology.”

I suggested hard labor on a chain gang, but hara-kari’s even better.

President Obama vows to do whatever he can to stop the bonuses, and to ensure that companies asking for government handouts never try it again.

AIG calls the bonuses “retention payments” (like they’re owed) and promises to cut them by 30% for 2009.

Hello??!! We want them cut 100% today. There’s no need to retain people who ruined the company.

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo demanded a list of the people set to receive bonuses, as well as the negotiators of their contracts. AIG ignored him, so Cuomo plans to issue subpoenas.

The so-called sanctity of employer-employee contracts doesn’t justify the bonuses. The suits who run their companies into a ditch and then blithely throw thousands of people out of work with no severance, no benefits, and no notice deserve no special protection — and certainly no payoffs.

There’s hope the executives will be shamed into turning down the money, but it makes no sense to expect decency from people who earned their living screwing investors.

I say Cuomo should go for it. And gently-used, sharpened old swords should be sent to AIG in case any execs decide to do the right thing.

Here’s a Fix for AIG

By Fred

Some suits never learn. Insurer AIG, who accepted more than $170 billion in bailout money, wants to spit in taxpayers’ eyes by giving about $165 million in bonuses to their 50 top executives. The same guys who achieved Corporate America’s biggest loss in history — $61.7 billion in 4Q2008.

AIG claims their hands are tied because the incompetent execs all have contracts. They’re too stupid to do their jobs, but apparently smart enough to sue for money they know they don’t deserve.

Here’s how I see it: If you bankrupt your company, screwing your stockholders, employees, and customers, all bets are off. You can wipe your butt with that contract.

Here’s how we fix things: Taxpayers now own 80% of AIG. Step 1: Fire those guys. Step 2: Prosecute. To hell with “setting dangerous precedents.” Some dangerous precedents are exactly what we need because these crooks have no fear of repercussions.

Right now, the sight of Armani-clad executives being hauled off to prison in shackles would do for American consumer confidence what the sight of Marie Antoinette’s head in a basket did for peasants during the French Revolution.

Let ‘em spend the rest of their days pounding big rocks into gravel, which they can spread in chain gangs on some of Obama’s road improvement projects. They’ve already proven they’re not cut out for desk jobs.

These Wall St. wizards obviously still don’t get it, and the only thing nobody has tried yet is roughing them up and demanding accountability. What are we waiting for?

Circuit City Bankruptcy Judge Slaps Justice in the Face

By Fred

Thanks to U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Kevin Huennekens, the last ones shoveling dirt into Circuit City’s grave may divvy up about $4 million in bonuses. It’s short of the $4.65 million they originally wanted, but nobody will suffer because one executive left, and James Marcum, the vice chairman and acting president and CEO, took his name off the handout list.

However, they hope to reward Marcum for his noble gesture by slipping him a little something later when the heat’s off.

Meanwhile, 34,000 employees being robbed of their livelihoods by this bunch will lose their health insurance after March 31.

Marcum still doesn’t seem to get it, trying to justify the bonuses because, “We are asking people to put off their futures” by helping to wind down the business.

No, Marcum. The people whose futures are on hold are the ones scrambling because you kicked them to the curb. The jerks still occupying the offices around you know exactly how long they have to update their résumés (don’t they say it’s best to look for a job while you still have one?). They’re still collecting regular paychecks. And if they do a crackerjack job dismembering the rotting carcass of your company, they’ll get a bonus.

It would be refreshing for Marcum to be the first CEO in history to admit that those whose string of breathtakingly bad decisions are the last people on earth who deserve bonuses. And that he will seek a bottom-rung position in fast food to atone for inflicting financial and medical chaos on tens of thousands of people who depended on Circuit City’s top dogs for sound leadership and judgment.

But why should he? Judge Huennekens thinks the bonus idea is dandy. As long as we keep rewarding incompetence, Corporate America’s clueless CEOs will never take responsibility.

At Circuit City, Bankruptcy = Bonus?

By Fred

Just when it doesn’t seem Corporate America can sink any lower…

Circuit City’s demise will leave 34,000 unemployed mourners, yet in its death throes, the company is asking bankruptcy court for $4.65 million to fund a contest to see who can shovel dirt into the grave fastest.

Less than 2 months ago, CC voided 40 of its execs’ severance and employment contracts worth $1.8 million by whining that they were “financially burdensome and unnecessary.” Now, those who remain and probably engineered that screwing hope to divvy whatever their grubby paws can grab.

To justify it, they’ve been kvetching to the court that their presence is vital because they’ve seen “a noticeable increase in employee turnover” since they announced liquidating. Well, DUH!

Do they think the captain of Titanic expected all the rats to stick around, rearranging the deck chairs?

To put this retention bonus idea in perspective, let’s do the math:

The 16 top dogs want $2.3 million. That would $143,750 apiece, unless the ones with the fanciest titles get bigger pieces. The company’s last breath is supposed to be March 31. Not bad for less than 2 months’ work.

Then there’s $3.9 million — $25,490 apiece — for 153 middle managers.

And they want to toss $750,000 in scraps to an undisclosed number of peons — for rearranging deck chairs.

Meanwhile, the thousands who have already been cut loose were lucky to get 60 days’ severance.

Circuit City has had its head screwed on backward about compensation since 2003, when they first decided it was good business to fire 3,900 sales people and eliminate commissions because their most knowledgeable and experienced employees were making too much money.

In hindsight, the word ironic doesn’t begin to describe management’s thinking.

Instead of a cushy bonus, what should be motivating anyone left at Circuit City is any paycheck at all while they continue to yank jobs and devastate their co-workers’ lives until no one is left.

Banks Take the Bailout Money and Run

By Fred

With breathtaking, yet unsurprising, arrogance, 21 banks who received more than $1 billion in bailout money refused to tell The Associated Press…

How much has been spent?

What was it spent on?

How much is being held in savings?

What’s the plan for the rest?

All we do know for sure is that the top 600 executives spread among the 116 banks who have received some money so far raked in $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses, and whatever other perks they could grab in 2007, the year leading up to the current mess.

The same questions should be posed to those guys about their personal finances. If they can’t answer every one in detail, they have no business running a bank.

The banks claim these jerks need big bucks to reward their crackerjack judgment and keep them motivated.

Are they kidding? We’re talking about the judgment that sent them begging to Congress for a handout because they blew the assets they had like drunken gamblers in Vegas.

Any bank accepting taxpayer money that can’t account for it obviously has a glaring lack of oversight at the highest levels. Those executives — and the boards who picked them — should all be fired. Immediately.

Banking and insurance are two industries that collect cold, hard cash from consumers while providing precious few tangibles — often nothing, in insurance’s case — in return. When imposing higher interest rates and premiums and bogus fees failed to satisfy them, they brazenly robbed American taxpayers of $350 billion — so far.

Let’s hope Congress has the sense to slam the till shut on their fingers until these thieves get their greed under control and offer ways to get the U.S. out of the deep hole they helped to dig.

Obama Gets the Cats’ Meow

By Fred, Yul, and Adele

It’s official: We at Cats Working stand united for Barack Obama.

After the New York Times stink over John McCain’s alleged affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, we rolled over for another catnap, saying, “Get back to us when you can name a self-righteous, hypocritical Republican who doesn’t have 1) brainless arm candy for a wife, or 2) a girlfriend on the side.”

Hillary’s putting on a brave face, but she’s finished. A big win in Texas will only prove that the state which produced George W. Bush loves her.

Some honor.

Obama’s the top cat now, and it’s fun to watch the old dogs of Washington – Bill, Hillary, and McCain – chasing their tails trying to come up with new tricks to beat him.

Obama, if you’re reading this, feline issues, in order of importance are:

Healthcare – If Karen doesn’t get more affordable insurance soon, the stress will kill her and we’ll end up back at the shelter.

The Economy – Poor people sometimes eat cat food, so what do poor cats eat? We don’t want to find out.

U.S. Respect in the World – It’s in the toilet except in remote, Bush-loving pockets of Africa. Once we prove that we can keep our claws in and play nice, and can elect someone who isn’t named Bush or Clinton, other countries will come around and stop burning our embassies. We’ll be king of the jungle again.

Terrorism – Least of our worries. The Republicans can howl until election day to keep suckers scared, but we don’t buy it. When we stop starting pointless wars and quit disrespecting everyone who isn’t a straight, white (Christian) male, we won’t be such a juicy target.

Felines for Obama!

The Dow Hit a New High. Why?

By Adele

As Yul likes to remind me, I have a bod for sin, not for math, but I follow the Dow Jones index more closely than anyone suspects. Somebody’s got to monitor catnip futures.

In a frenzy of optimism that came from nowhere, the Dow yesterday hit a new closing record of 14,087 and everyone is agog. Why? A new high is the prelude to the next crash, which will happen just as mysteriously, and probably sooner than you think. After all, it’s October. Don’t they say, “Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it”?

I love watching humans try to rationalize their new-found paper fortunes: The out-of-control housing market’s irrelevant! It’s the fourth quarter! Nokia’s going to buy Navteq! Bush changed his socks!

Everybody’s so giddy on an imaginary high, company stocks like Citigroup and Countrywide Financial soar. Alan Greenspan, that wizened troll who thinks he channels the Oracle at Delphi, will spout some tongue-in-cheek gibberish to explain it all. Everyone will take him seriously while he snickers up his sleeve that he’s so clever and they’re so stupid.

Greenspan must have been a cat in a past life.

But let me tell you how smart cats handle investing. Whenever we get new (toy) mice, we don’t let them collect in one basket. We stash a few under the fridge, a bed, a bookcase, the couch – anywhere a human’s not likely to check. In other words, we hoard, yet we diversify. It’s all under our control, regardless of outside influences.

No broom or vacuum ever cleans us out completely, and we rest easy knowing where our next playtime is coming from.