Animal Cruelty: Entertainment to Supreme Court?

By Cole

Under a 1999 federal law banning graphic animal cruelty videos, a Virginian named Robert Stevens got 3 years in jail for selling films of  pit bull fights. A federal appeals court overturned his conviction, and now the Supreme Court will decide if people’s freedom of speech is violated if they can’t film animals being tortured and killed.

As if anybody needs to be making Stevens’ bloody garbage or “crush videos,” so perverts can watch women stomp mice and kittens to death with their bare feet or in high-heeled shoes.

Dissecting the law, which the Obama administration and 26 states support, the justices played verbal games, implying it could ban educational films about hunting or nature.

The justices miss the point. To make these films, film-makers need “actors” — animals who can’t protest being thrust into dangerous or deadly situations. They can only use their claws and teeth to futilely fight for their lives while cameras roll.

Because animals can’t “speak,” we don’t deserve the right to live?

If we were talking about filming naked women in stilettos slicing and dicing a few babies or Supreme Court justices for fun, I think the debate would have been over quickly.

Justice Antonin Scalia said, “It’s not up to the government to decide what are people’s worst instincts.

Scalia, you soulless douche bag, by even considering throwing out this protection for animals, the Supreme Court displays its own worst instincts.

Going back to Robert Stevens, his argument is that his pit bull flicks were fine because they weren’t “obscene, inflammatory, or untruthful.”

Wrong, Stevens. They were obscene. And you are obscene, promoting the “sport” of dogs tearing each other apart. You should have gotten life in jail — with a hungry pit bull as your cellmate.

Adios, Taco Bell Dog

By Yul

Whenever I see our bobblehead figure or the basket of cheap little stuffed talking Chihuahuas, I will fondly remember the Taco Bell dog, who was actually a female named Gidget, the canine Meryl Streep.

We acquired all our toy dogs from 1997 to 2000, every time Karen saw the Chihuahua in another cute commercial and craved putrid faux-Mexican food. Karen saw Legally Blonde 2 because “her dog” was in it, and futilely hoped Gidget was poised for a big comeback in 2002 when she did a cameo in an ad with the GEICO gecko.

Gidget’s run with TB ended when they hired new marketing geniuses who dumped her in favor of mumbling young boys, their prime demographic. It worked, because Karen never eats at Taco Bell anymore.

Two guys who originally conceived the talking dog recently got the last laugh, to the tune of $42 million. Seems Taco Bell nixed their concept, then had their own ad agency run with it.

We cats tolerated Karen’s fascination with the dog because I could have kicked a Chihuahua into next Tuesday with one foot tied behind my back if Karen were ever crazy enough to bring home a real one.

But Gidget’s passing at age 15 after a stroke she suffered at her trainer’s home on July 21 has left us all sad.

Taco Bell never recaptured the wit and appeal their ads had when that winsome Chihuahua was teaching us all a little Spanish. Maybe some day, TB will wise up (and run out of ways to churn the same half-dozen ingredients) and give another Chihuahua a chance.

Resto en paz, Gidget.

Bo Obama’s a Boring Bow-Wow

By Cole

First Dog Bo Obama and I have something in common. We’re black and we have 2 white feet. His are in front and mine are in back. But that’s where similarity ends.

Bo posed recently for his official White House portrait on the lawn, which is being distributed on his new baseball card.

(White House Photo - Chuck Kennedy)

And let the merchandising begin…

Bo has a comic book called Puppy Power in which he’s a superhero. Dopey Dog is more like it.

There are already quite a few slapped-together books about him. Ty is selling a Bo Beanie Baby and key chain.

Such fuss over such a dull dog.

Michelle Obama said Bo likes to chew on people’s feet and play with his ball late at night. He also enjoys chewing his toys and eating tomatoes. His favorite pastimes are running and napping.

Ho, hum.

The only intriguing fact about Bo so far is that he’s a Portuguese water dog, but they say he can’t swim. How do they know he doesn’t dog-paddle? It can only mean someone threw him into the deep end of the pool and he sank.

Since Congress loves pretending to work, it’s a wonder they haven’t launched a full investigation.

Jon Stewart tried to make Bo controversial on The Daily Show by claiming he’s openly gay.

Nice try, Jon. But until Bo pees on something or somebody important while the cameras are rolling, he’s non-news.

Let’s hope Mad magazine digs up some real scoop for its book, Bo Confidential: The Secret Files of America’s First Dog, to be released in August.

Bo Obama May Need the Dog Whisperer

By Yul

First Dog Bo looks more full-grown than puppy, and he’s dragged every Obama family member except little Sasha. Michelle’s new vegetable garden could probably use some Secret Service protection, since Bo may want revenge for the poodle number somebody did on his tail.

Let's hope they leave Bo's butt furry. (Photo - Bill O'Leary, Washington Post)

Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan loves to domesticate psycho dogs with macho methods that would leave him in shreds with any cat, but I think the Obamas, as first-time dog owners, could use Cesar before Bo stages a coup d’etat.

However, gaining control of Bo comes with some risk. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, and their ilk would probably never let them hear the end of it. “Oh great! The leader of the free world needs lessons in how to lead his own pack.”

BONUS BO TRIVIA:

Bo is registered with the American Kennel Club as Amigo’s New Hope. “Amigo” is the name of breeder Art Stern’s facility.

Bo’s mother is Penny, and his maternal grandmother is 9-year-old Pooka, who lives nearby in DC with some woman who works at the Department of Transportation.

Bo’s father is a 6-year-old stud named Watson, who lives in Pennsylvania. Watson knows how to stand next to the sink and flip food out of the garbage disposal.

A children’s book, Bo, America’s Commander in Leash, is already set for publication later this month. Author Naren Aryal couldn’t have known much, if anything, about the First Dog, so use of Bo’s name seems a shameless grab for book sales. I wonder if Michelle will be as vocal in condemning canine exploitation as she was with the Sasha and Malia dolls?

While training with Henry Higgins for his Washington debut, Bo learned to sit, shake, roll over, and bark, “I won’t rain in the plane as we fly over Spain.” He also understands the commands “off” and “wait.”

I heard on the news that Bo was returned by his first adoptive family because of some friction with their other dog.

The next thing we’re itching to know is what Bo does all day while the girls are at school. I hope Obama gives Bo a Cabinet seat and names him Secretary of Animal Rights.

Will New First Dog Be Known as Boobama?

By Yul

Somebody should have told Sasha and Malia Obama the last name counts when you pick dog names. They’re calling their new puppy Bo, either after their grandfather, “Diddley” Robinson, or after their cousin’s cat. I prefer to think it’s the latter. Bo was aka Charlie.

Meet Bo Obama (Photo - Pete Souza, AP)

The new First Pup is is a Portuguese Water Dog from Texas, born on October 9, 2008, in a litter of 10 (top that, Nadya Suleman!). The Obamas are his second adoptive family, after another one returned him to the breeder.

One of Bo’s littermates, Cappy, belongs to Senator Ted Kennedy, and the Kennedys reportedly had Bo coached in comportment, like some canine Eliza Doolittle, before presenting him to the Obamas. It all makes you wonder if the dog has issues. However, they said he behaved beautifully during his secret audition at the White House a few weeks ago.

None of the Obamas has ever had a dog before, so let’s hope Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, never gets that call to set Bo straight because the pressures of being First Dog have totally unhinged him. Too many priceless White House antiques are at stake. In fact, let’s hope the Obamas read Cesar’s pointers for them.

The Obama Dog Blog has been unofficially following this story from the beginning and promises future “scoop.”

Given the president’s Web savvy, I predict Bo will soon have his own Web cam, like former First Dog Barney Bush.

Male Portuguese Water Dogs grow to be 42-55 pounds. A full-grown one appeared on The Today Show this morning with most of his hind end shaved bald. I guess that’s supposed to be fashionable.

I hope the Obamas leave Bo’s butt alone and Michelle doesn’t start dressing him in J.Crew cardigans.

Rachael Ray is Gagging Dogs

By Yul

If you don’t think Rachael Ray’s so hot with people food, you’ll love this. She’s now selling her own line of dry dog food and putting her big ugly bitch Isaboo on all the packaging.

I’m not kidding. It makes me glad I’m a cat.

It’s called Rachael Ray Nutrish™. What, not Rachael Ray’s DFoo? (Rach, if I ever hear you using that name, even in fun, you owe me royalties.)

Nutrish is supposed to contain real meat, natural ingredients, no filler crap, yada, yada, yada. Apparently, it’s only people she doesn’t mind feeding frozen, processed, or straight-from-a-can junk to.

If the food’s all that, I’m taking bets that if the canine market pans out (which it should, since some dogs will eat cat poop), Rachael will somehow turn it into human snacks.

But it gets even better. There are also crunchy and chewy Rachael Ray Isaboo™ Treats that look suspiciously like Girl Scout Cookies®. Her “Booscottis” come in Bacon Flavor and Peanut Butter Flavor.

I’m thinking the word Flavor is her sneaky way of admitting the treats are basically doggie Dunkin’ Donuts®.

If you know a dog who needs a handout, she’s giving away free samples of Nutrish.

Interestingly, Nutrish’s home page and the Sunday newspaper coupon insert claim, “All of Rachael’s proceeds go to help animals in need.” But go to the Nutrish Story page and she writes…

“And you know me. I’m all about giving back, so some of the proceeds from Rachael Ray Nutrish go to charities that take care of animals who have no one else to look out for them.”

Anthony Bourdain could have a field day with this.

Orange Cats Obsessed With Obama

By Yul

Felines generally agree that working like a cat got Barack Obama where he is today. With style and grace, he left the old dogs of Washington panting and wishing they could learn some new tricks as they watched him defy the odds and leap to victory.

But on Inauguration Day, certain orange cats seemed over-enthusiastically glued to their TVs, and I’m wondering why. I found proof at newyorkshitty.

Was it out of sheer admiration, or are these representatives of a feline sleeper cell planning to keep the Obamas from getting a dog? With deceptively cute cats the color of butterscotch, you never know…

Do You Speak Cat?

By Adele

Millions of dogs and cats strive to communicate with humans, and our efforts are finally paying off.

A recent phone survey of 1,129 pet owners by Petside.com and the Associated Press revealed that 67% of people claim to understand animals, and 62% think their pets understand them. The pets in the survey included horses, hamsters, birds, fish, snakes, and others.

You show me a snake nodding in agreement and I’ll bet my treats he’s just trying to swallow a mouse whole.

Since dogs are attention hogs and their incessant barking constitutes torture, it’s not surprising that 7 in 10 dog owners think they communicate well with their dogs. (“Whatever you want. Just shut up!”)

Only 5 in 10 cat owners think the same, since we tend to be subtle in our demands.

However, cat owners believe we’re superior communicators, with 25% saying they completely understand meows. Only 16% of dog people feel fluent in woofs.

Karen seems pretty fluent in cat. We can usually get her to obey, and she knows who’s calling her from another room, even if she can’t see who it is.

We try to meet her halfway on her favorite phrases:

“Who’s a hungry cat?” causes a stampede, which inspires her to do some dreadful off-key warbling to the tune of “Eleanor Rigby” — “Where are all the hungry kitties? Where do they all come from?”

We could live without that.

Thanks to Fred, we’ve heard, “Tinkles in the box!” about a million times.

And we try to leave her a spot on the bed whenever it’s, “Time to get some shut-eye.”

But according to the survey, over 30% of humans are either just plain stupid or part of a vast conspiracy to ignore our voices and keep us from getting the vote. Men are twice as likely as women to say they don’t understand animals at all.

There’s still much work to be done.

What’s in a (Cat) Name?

By Yul

Somebody with too much time on their hands compiled the top 10 cat and dog names. In descending order of popularity, they are:

CATS

Max
Chloe
Tigger
Tiger
Lucy
Smokey
Oliver
Bella
Shadow
Charlie

DOGS

Max
Bailey
Bella
Molly
Lucy
Buddy
Maggie
Daisy
Sophie
Chloe

(Note: These names were drawn from a database of 450,000 pets able to afford health insurance.)

You’ll notice an absence of any Cats Working names. We hope this blog’s popularity will eventually rectify that, because we weren’t named according to what’s “in,” but after famous people: Yul Brynner and Fred and Adele Astaire.

Digging in for a little analysis, I see that 3 of the cat names aren’t technically “names” (Tiger, Smokey, and Shadow), and there’s one that Sarah Palin’s next baby will probably get (Tigger).

However, all the dog names are “real.” Does this mean cat owners are more likely to view their cats as objects? You tell me.

And only 3 of the cat names are clearly female, while 7 of the dog names are. I suspect too many girl kitties are getting stuck with Smokey and Shadow.

Surprisingly, Max is tops for both species. Any cat named Max becomes a walking ad for Max® Cat, the “the highest quality, most delectable tasting” cat food around, according to its maker’s modest claims.

Cats Working once found Max® Cat “utterly resistable” and rated it 3 tails down. Give us tasty chicken heads, feet, or intestines any day. Around here we say, what’s haute cuisine for Anthony Bourdain is good enough for us.

When it comes to naming a cat, don’t be a slave to fashion. Here’s another list I found that’s more interesting, comprehensive, and objective. Even so, Fred’s the only one who makes the cut at #54.

Adele and I are feeling very special today.

First Cats Soon to Be Extinct

By Adele

The current First Cat, India Bush, passed away on January 4 in the White House, and Bill Clinton’s former cat, Socks, is nearing the end of his ninth life.

India was 18 years old and had been with the Bushes since she was a kitten. An obituary finally confirmed that India was female, although they billed her as “Willard” in her nemesis Barney’s last Christmas video, where she appeared in one scene and was ignored by everyone but daughter Barbara.

India wasn't crazy about Miss Beazley either. (Photo-SkyNews)

The official word is that the whole Bush family is “deeply saddened” by the passing of their “beloved” cat, whom they usually referred generically to as “Kitty.”

Yeah, you can really feel the grief.

Former First Cat, Socks Clinton, who’s anywhere from 18 to nearly 20, was recently diagnosed with cancer of the jaw and is said not to have much time left. His current owner, Betty Currie, opted not to put Socks through invasive tests and treatments because he has other medical issues and his weight is already way down.

Socks in his White House days. (Photo-Marcy Nighswander/AP)

With the Obamas about to install another dog in the White House, this is a very disheartening time for all American Domestic Shorthairs.

(Update: Here are several very good photos of India.)