Innocent Housecats Under Attack

By Max

A new survey claims domestic cats are homicidal maniacs who kill BILLIONS of mice and birds.

Here’s a news flash: Karen has killed more mice than me and Adele COMBINED. (I can’t speak for Cole. He’s mum about his feral kitten days.)

In this study, LiveScience researchers surmised there are about 84 million cats owned in the U.S. They pulled numbers out of their ass and claim we each kill 4-18 birds per year and 8-21 small mammals annually.

They failed to acknowledge that, of those 84 million housecats, MANY are indoor-only.

And who’s weeping over fewer mice and voles? There’s a reason they’re called “vermin.”

OK, chipmunk deaths are regrettable because they’re cute, and some are even great singers.

But this anti-cat wack job in New Zealand named Gareth Morgan has a blog called Cats to Go and says he’d pay the SPCA $5 for every cat it kills.

Who says birds are more important than cats? Has Gareth never heard of avian flu? Did BIRDS save Europe from the Black Plague?

Gareth should visit India. There aren’t many cats there, and rats devour the grain so people starve.

And what about our contribution to technology? The Internet full of BIRD videos is unthinkable.

I Can Has Cheezburger with lolBIRDS? Are you kidding?

Here’s just one example of Gareth’s cat-hate:

Before you say it, even well-fed cats kill. The fact is that cats kill on instinct, not because they need to eat, it is one of their most pleasurable activities. In one study, six cats were presented with a live small rat while eating their preferred food. All six cats stopped eating the food, killed the rat, and then resumed eating the food.

It was a RAT! Those cats did humans a favor, even though they had to finish their meal with rat hair in their teeth.

Yet this Gareth clown makes it sound like a bad thing.

Cats Working appeals to every cat-lover with a social media presence to denounce Gareth Morgan.

Instead of calling for our deaths, he should adopt some cats, keep them indoors, and learn what delightful companions we are — as opposed to dogs who just want to cover every ‘hood with poop.

Humane neutering programs will take time to eliminate feral cats, but people could speed things up a lot by offering more kitties good homes — indoors.

More killing is NEVER the answer.

Worried About Casey Anthony’s Dog

By Adele

Casey Anthony, the 25-year-old woman who was acquitted last year of murdering her daughter Caylee, is living in an undisclosed Florida location, serving out probation for her felony conviction on passing checks she stole from a friend.

Casey claims a computer hacker put this creepy video diary entry she filmed on October 13, 2011, out on YouTube. Nobody seems to know how it really got there.

At one point, Casey marvels, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to call something mine,” and gabs about all her stuff — a new computer, phone, camera.

Then she says she’s adopted a dog whom she talks to and loves. However, she doesn’t mention the dog by name or tell what breed it is. You get the impression she considers it more of her stuff.

Let’s hope someone is watching out for that unfortunate dog. Guilty of murder or not, Casey Anthony has demonstrated zero skill as a caregiver.

Casey goes on to talk about her upcoming birthday in March and how many more months she’ll be on probation. She thinks she could be free by February.

As Casey prattles on about herself, you can’t help remembering that little girl who will never have another birthday, and who laid for months rotting in the woods while her mother lied to police at every turn so she’d never be found.

If we can be sure about anything, it’s this: Casey Anthony’s itching to get on with her life. If that dog so much as whimpers about being left alone when she’s able to party again, it will end up road kill and Casey won’t stop or ever look back.

There’s something wrong with a country that will let people adopt pets after they’ve shown themselves incapable of keeping their own children safe and alive.

Wanted: A Cat for Michael Vick

By Yul

After doing hard time for mercilessly exploiting dogs for fighting and having a judge prohibit him from ever owning another one, football star Michael Vick says he still wants one. He thinks it would help his rehabilitation, and he misses having a pet around the house.

OK, I have a better idea. Instead of a dog, Vick should get a cat. And not just any cat, but…

A full-grown, street-wise tomcat. His attitude toward humans is that thumbs make them good for operating a can opener and wielding a litter scoop. Period.

This cat should preferably be black, so if Vick harbors any superstitions, he’ll start feeling real lucky whenever he manages to avoid being tripped by the cat on the stairs in the dark.

And whenever Vick fails to dodge the cat’s interceptions, he can chalk it up to “rehab.”

It should be a cat who tolerates some petting (just how much varies day to day) and then screams and sinks his claws and teeth into whomever is petting him whenever they exceed his secret time limit.

This cat will have confidence to spare, taking possession of (and shedding on) any piece of furniture that looks comfortable, and sacking out right in the middle of Vick’s bed every night.

The cat will never come when called, refuse to learn tricks, and disappear if Vick even thinks about trying to discipline him.

And if Vick does or says anything that displeases the cat, he will spray all over any object Vick treasures, including electronic devices.

I think only after Michael Vick has experienced a few years of being owned by a real “cat’s cat,” he’ll have a clearer understanding of how he totally blew it when he had trusting, obedient dogs.

How Do Cats Drink?

By Cole

Scientists think they have figured out how cats drink. Guess what? Our lapping style is different from dogs’.

Well, DUH!

Dogs use their big, fat, sloppy tongues like ladles. We move the tip of our tongue with lightning speed to create a steady stream of water we suck in, sort of like a human at a drinking fountain.

Here’s the much more scientific description from the abstract in Science magazine…

A combined experimental and theoretical analysis reveals that Felis catus exploits fluid inertia to defeat gravity and pull liquid into the mouth.

I’ll tell you, this amazing “breakthrough” in human knowledge was greeted with a “Ho, Hum” in the Felis catus world. Every kitten knows how to defy gravity without giving it a second thought. Don’t those bozos know any cats?

One scientist said our lapping strikes “a balance between the inertia that makes the liquid rise into the cat’s mouth… and the gravity that makes the liquid fall,” and marvels that we have figured out all this complex science.

The heck with inertia and gravity. We call it thirst.

Cats supposedly lap about 4 times per second, but I may contact Guinness because I think I’m faster. I usually wet my face so, obviously, my gravity-defying skill is so superior, it shoots water right past my mouth.

Roman Stacker, an MIT engineering professor and the goofball who initiated this study after watching his cat Cutta Cutta drink, admits the research has no immediate practical application, but justifies it on the grounds that it may contain “evolutionary lessons” about why cats and dogs drink differently.

He thinks cats want to keep their whiskers dry and dogs don’t care about appearances.

Maybe he should look at the bigger picture and notice that a cat’s tongue goes with the rest of the cat. We’re lithe and agile inside and out so we can make dogs look like clumsy oafs.

That’s the real evolutionary lesson.

Dog Poop Justice

By Cole

An unnamed woman in Belmont, Massachusetts, is in deep doody for throwing dog poop in the name of justice. She was walking her dog through her ‘hood recently when a vehicle sped through. She thought the driver almost hit a man on a bike and indignantly threw the bag of poop she’d scooped at the vehicle. It went through the open window and splatted in the driver’s face.

Now the woman faces charges of “assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, vandalism to property, and disorderly conduct.”

Fortunately, no charges were brought against her dog for “aiding and abetting” by supplying the woman with said dangerous weapon.

That woman shouldn’t be prosecuted. She should get a medal. She was doing the right thing by picking up after her dog. The driver was potentially homicidal, not some innocent victim.

Neighborhood Watch associations should follow the poop-thrower’s example and enlist all their dog-walking residents to give speeders the same treatment. It would serve two purposes:

1. Irresponsible dog owners who now don’t pick up after their pets would be more likely to start if they could have the thrill of flinging a steaming pile at a bad driver.

2. If more speed demons knew they might end up with a puss full of poop, maybe they’d slow down.

The speed limit on our street is 25 mph, yet drivers whiz through here like they’re training for NASCAR. Seems like our used kitty litter could do something to address the problem. Hmmmm…..

Obamas Should Have Got a Cat

By Cole

You first read it right here in the beginning. Yul said that the Obamas’ dog, Bo, needed the Dog Whisperer because every time we saw Bo, he was dragging an Obama family member around by his leash.

Now the Dog Whisperer himself, Cesar Millan, has weighed in, and he agrees with Yul. Bo may live in the White House, but he definitely needs to learn his place. Here’s the transcript of what Millan told Lesley Stahl on CBS Sunday Morning. And here’s video of him saying it.

Millan thinks George W. Bush’s dog, Barney, also had control issues, and points out that it’s ridiculous to see the reputed leader of the free world being yanked by a dog. It sends precisely the wrong message about U.S. strength to people like Putin, Amadinejahd, Netenyahu, Kim Jong Il, Chavez, and every other tough guy out there.

 

Who's the boss? (Photo - Gary Fabiano)

 

And that’s why, when picking a First Pet, if Obama had considered precedent he would have said, “To heck with Malia’s cat allergy; we’ve got presidential healthcare now. My doctor can cure her. Yes he can. We’re going to adopt a cat.”

He should have realized that never in the history of this country has a U.S. president been photographed getting schlepped around by his cat: Not Lincoln, Hayes, McKinley, Wilson, Coolidge, Kennedy, Ford, Carter, Clinton, or Bush II. Not even Martin Van Buren, and he had 2 tiger cubs.

That’s because if a cat is expected to play second fiddle, he just won’t play at all. A president’s image suffers no harm if nobody knows his cat is lurking (and smirking) under his Oval Office desk, whereas a boisterous presence like Bo is virtually impossible to hide.

Calicos vs. Pit Bulls

By Adele

The quick thinking and courage of Tiger, a 3-year-old calico cat in Harrison, Michigan, saved her 97-year-old owner from being attacked by 4 pit bulls who live next door.

Sophie Thomas was working in her garden in August when the dogs surrounded her. She hit one on the head and got it to back off, but another one charged and bit her on the arm.

Tiger leaped into the middle of the pack and distracted the dogs by getting them to chase her into the garage. Tiger undoubtedly jumped onto something out of their reach while giving Sophie time to escape into the house.

Tiger sustained a small scratch on the nose. The dogs were quarantined for 10 days and their owner fined. She claimed her dogs had escaped through a bedroom window and were “just playing.”

Just the sort of excuse you’d expect from a moron who keeps 4 pit bulls in a small house.

Another brave calico was involved in a similar incident in Houston in May. Her name is Lima. When she saw 2 pit bulls on the loose chase her owner across the street, knock the woman down and start attacking her, Lima leaped out of the bushes to scratch and hiss at the dogs, distracting them while her owner’s husband pulled her indoors. Lima was unhurt.

Before any pit bull lovers drop by again to comment that Cats Working unfairly picks on that friendly, cuddly breed, I’ll give them the credit they deserve. I found  a story where 2 pit bulls in Colorado actually rescued a Chihuahua from a coyote attack.

But if Tiger and Lima hadn’t possessed superior feline intellect, speed, agility, and nerves of steel, they and their owners would have certainly ended up as Pit Bull Chow.

What is IKEA’s Beef with Black Cats?

By Cole

Swedish furniture maker IKEA recently hired a new ad agency who concocted a scheme to let 100 cats and kittens loose one night in an IKEA in Wembley, England, to shoot a TV commercial. The “actors” weren’t trained stunt cats, but they seemed mostly light-colored purebreds with a few calicos and one bald gray one thrown in. There wasn’t a single black cat. Such discrimination could only have been deliberate.

But why? Black cats look GREAT on IKEA stuff. We’re trés chic!

Here’s a video about how they filmed the commercial…

I think it was harebrained to let the cats roam the whole store and warehouse at once. They couldn’t possibly have captured all the picturesque things those cats must have done. The best bits probably never made it to film. It was also dangerous for the cats because they were in a strange place surrounded by strange people and never knew who was lurking around the corner.

IKEA’s ad people said they used cats because the new tagline is “Happy Inside” and cats have a reputation as pleasure-seeking missiles who will do anything to be comfortable and content.

Here’s the finished 1-minute ad…

Just imagine the same ad with 100 dogs, barking and drooling and cocking their legs. At the end of the shoot, the humans wouldn’t have had to just vacuum fur off the cushions, but shovel steaming piles while trying to salvage the furniture that had been peed on.

As the next step in their advertising campaign, IKEA should let some of the cats star in a reality show. The ones who flashed their claws would be naturals. They could call it The Real Housecats of Wembley and furnish their homes exclusively with IKEA products.

“World’s Ugliest Dog” Doesn’t Deserve Title

By Adele

Last weekend, a 4-year-old multicolored Chihuahua named Princess Abby was crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog in that witless contest humans hold at the Sonoma-Marin fair in Petaluma, California, to make fun of dogs.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no big fan of dogs unless they’re on a short leash and pooping in somebody else’s yard, but I think Abby got a bum rap.

She won because she’s been abused and has several congenital deformities, probably caused by inbreeding. One of the judges called her the “poster child to spay and neuter your pets.”

Princess Abby (Photo - Ben Margot/AP)

Otherwise, she’d look as good as any other Chihuahua.

But because her back legs and left eye are all screwed up, she took the title over a bunch of truly butt-ugly Chinese cresteds and a boxer named Pabst who won last year.

Abby was found just a few months ago wandering the streets of Lake County, California, malnourished and covered with fleas. Someone took her to a vet’s for care, and she was adopted by a woman named Kathleen Francis.

At least Abby seems to finally have a safe and loving home. Maybe she’ll use her title to raise money for worthy animal causes (not more ugly pageants) like other dogs who have been saddled with that title.

Your Vet Thinks You’re an Idiot When…

By Cole

…your cat or dog has a stupid or nasty name, according to USA Today columnist Patty Khuly, a Miami vet with so much time on her hands she writes about such things.

PawNation gathered opinions from other vets and they agree with Khuly. Vets do judge owners based on their patients’ names.

They say it’s a sin to recycle names like a Tudor because of the reincarnation angle. Creepily enough, Karen confessed she briefly considered calling me Henry because I’m her 8^th cat.

Khuly gets concerned by “good” people names like Stephen or Susan because they indicate the pet may be considered more than an animal. So what’s her point? But she’s OK with “bad” people names like Bruno and Oscar that would earn a human kid a daily beating on the playground.

Cats Working cats have always been named for famous people, beginning with Karen’s late tuxedo cat, Coco Chanel.

Yul, Adele, and I all started out with names assigned by the Richmond Animal League.

Yul was originally Sydney, but Karen prophetically renamed him Yul Brynner. When he was 6 years old, he lost his tail, sort of like Brynner losing his hair.

Adele was Ping Pong Ball because RAL said they’d run out of names for white cats. She became Adele Astaire because she was an exact miniature of the resident alpha cat, the late Fred Astaire.

RAL called me Dash after finding me “dashing” for my life across a highway, but Karen saw a different kind of dashing — Cole Porter — in me, and I wholeheartedly agree.

So, if your cat’s name is some thing (Boots, Snowflake, Smokey), a bad word, or an infamous person like Hitler, Saddam, or Castro, realize that your vet pities the cat and thinks there’s something wrong with you.