Cats to Humans: Keep H1N1 to Yourselves

By Yul

Enough with this Bourdain guy. We’ve got a serious issue to discuss. A cat caught H1N1 from his owners.

The family in Iowa wishes to remain anonymous, so the cat is unnamed, but he’s a 16-pound orange tabby who’s described as “large-framed but not chubby.” He’s an only pet and never goes outside.

After three of his four humans had flu-like symptoms, the normally friendly cat stopped eating, drinking, and grooming, threw up, and assumed the meatloaf position.

Clearly, he was feeling BAD.

When the American Veterinary Medical Association reported this illness, they ended with, “To date, there is no evidence that the cat passed the virus to any people.”

WTF?

The vet who treated the cat said the only way he could have caught H1N1 was from his peeps bringing the virus to him.

Why do people always try to lay the blame on the animals?

Two pet ferrets in Oregon and Nebraska also caught H1N1, and they both died. Animal expert Steve Dale says ferrets are apparently susceptible to human flu in general.

Don’t get me wrong. Cats love humans, but we must draw a line at sharing your diseases.

• If you’re sick, don’t cough or sneeze on us.
• Wash your hands before petting us. If you leave germs on our fur, someone else pick them up, catches the flu, and we take the rap.
• Wash our bowls daily in hot, soapy water, and keep your paws off our food. Use utensils. You’ve got thumbs.
• Keep our fresh water coming, and don’t drink or wash your hands in it.

I’m happy to report that the Iowa cat didn’t become a statistic. He recovered with fluids and antibiotics and is back in his window watching squirrels.

Testing the Power of Cats Working

By Yul, Adele, and Cole

Today is Karen’s birthday, but we won’t say which one. We cats are planning a BIG surprise and we need your help.

Back in 2006, we inspired Karen to write a little book called How to Work Like a CAT: Walking with Confidence Through a Dog-Eat-Dog World. As of June 2009, sales stood at 7,249 copies. The publisher never did much to promote the book, but Karen worked her tail off to get it noticed.

In honor of her birthday, we’d like to boost sales to a respectable 10,000 copies, but since we’re indoor-only cats, this blog is our only way to spread the word.

The book is hardcover, full-color, and overflowing with feline wisdom. It makes an excellent, inexpensive gift for anyone who likes cats or works too hard — which covers just about everybody.

Cats Working readers, please help us between now and Christmas. Tell your family and friends about the book. Ask for it in your local bookstore. Take a minute to send a link to the book’s official Web site to everyone you know. It’s www.worklikeacat.com.

The book is discounted almost 1/3 off on Amazon.com. It’s also available on Canadian Amazon and in many other countries, although only in English.

(You can get used copies dirt-cheap, too, but they won’t count toward our goal — they’ve already been sold once.)

There’s also a really nice spin-off 2010 wall calendar at Amazon. Karen wrote all new tips for it. We’d love for you to buy that, too, but we won’t be greedy.

We’ve written 421 posts for your amusement and have never wanted anything in return. But now we’re shamelessly asking you — just once — to show us the power of Cats Working.

PS: Karen won’t know about this until January when the next royalty statement comes, but we’ll let you know how you did.

Cheetah Sets New World Speed Record

By Adele

Sarah is a feline phenom, setting the world cheetah speed record in the 100-meter dash — twice.

Sarah lives at the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden, and they recently clocked her chasing a stuffed dog across a field. She did it in 6.16 seconds.

The previous record of 6.19 seconds was set by a male South African cheetah named Nyana in 2001.

A few minutes later, Sarah broke her own new world record by making the dash again in 6.13 seconds without even breaking a sweat.

Photo - Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden

To put it in perspective, the fastest human, a Jamaican sprinter named Usain Bolt, ran the 100-meter dash in 9.58 seconds.

Watch Sarah do it. When she’s not pursuing her favorite dog, she’s a real pussycat.

The zoo explains that cheetahs’ flexible spine enables their front legs to cover 20 to 22 feet in one stride, about the same distance as a racehorse. They’re completely off the ground more than half of their running time, and their sharp, hard claws give them great traction. The fastest horse can run about 43 miles an hour, but a cheetah can hit 70.

Sarah could have Rachel Alexandra seeing spots in front of her eyes.

Cathryn Hilker, founder of the Cincinnati Zoo’s Cat Ambassador Program, said, “Sarah is a wonderful animal and a wonderful symbol of hope for all cheetahs… I also hope this record-breaking run helps to raise awareness of the plight of the cheetah.”

Cheetahs are desperately endangered, with only about 9,000–12,000 left today. The Cincinnati Zoo has been dubbed, “The Cheetah Capital of the World,” because it breeds them. Since 2007, it has produced 4 of the 8 cheetah cub litters born in North America, more than anywhere else in the world. In total, 37 cheetah cubs have been born in Cincinnati.

Learn more about the zoo’s cheetahs, see video of an adorable cub named Tommy T, and find out how you can help save these magnificent cats.

Cats Spit on Urlesque Internet Cat Ban

By Yul, Adele, and Cole

Humans running a site called Urlesque have pathetically tried to link the coincidental gimmick of today’s date (9/9/09) to a call to silence cats on the Web.

It’s outrageous. We have just begun to type!

Urlesque claims they are trying to ban cats on humanitarian grounds, to spare us the “humiliation” of becoming hilarious lolcats, or having our ability to channel Mozart splashed all over YouTube.

We know they’re just jealous because we’re faster, smarter, cuter, and nice to touch.

Now that cats know we can get through to humans with simple words and pictures via the Internet, we can never be silenced.

We are feline, hear us ROAR!

And face it, the Internet would be a cold, empty place without our contributions.

At Cats Working, we are holding a brief ceremony today to kick all our stale, worn-out catnip toys under the fridge. It’s our symbolic way of burying Urlesque’s stupid Internet cat ban in effigy (and, with luck, will reap some new toys). We ask kitties everywhere to do the same. We must send a strong message to discourage any future attempts to muzzle us.

Humans, don’t worry. Cats are perfectly happy to let you remain on the Internet with us as long as you keep our ‘nip fresh and pop open those Fancy Feast cans.

Florida Taxpayers Ordered to Foot Cat Killer’s Defense

By Cole

Judge John Thornton has ordered the state of Florida to pay $12,500 for alleged serial cat killer Tyler Weinman’s investigation and defense in a trial that could involve more than 100 witnesses. Prosecutors didn’t object, so let’s hope they’re sitting on some solid DNA evidence.

Weinman faces 19 felony counts of animal cruelty and improper disposal of animal bodies, as well as 4 counts of burglary, after he allegedly mutilated and murdered trusting pet cats and tossed them back into their front yards earlier this year. All the killings occurred in the two communities where Weinman shuttled between his divorced parents — coincidentally, whenever he was in town.

The LA Times reported that Weinman tried to make a deal before his arrest by confessing to some killings in exchange for lesser charges. Why would a completely innocent kid do that? Police decided to arrest him after he described too enthusiastically how a cat’s skin sounds when it’s peeled from its body.

Since being released on bond in June, Weinman has been under house arrest with a monitoring ankle bracelet. His grandfather is putting up $50,000 for his defense and helped post the $249,000 bond that sprang him from the slammer.

This family is sinking everything it has to prove the unemployed 18-year-old dropout they love is innocent. If they succeed in getting him off on a technicality, let’s hope he doesn’t show his gratitude by disemboweling and skinning them.

Owner Disses Cat’s High School Diploma

By Yul

Oreo, a 2-year-old cat in Macon, Georgia, completed her studies at Jefferson High School Online with the financial support and encouragement of her owner, and now he’s dissing her diploma.

Oreo likes to stay on top of current events, too. (Photo - Kelvin Collins)

Her owner is Kelvin Collins, the prez and CEO of the Central Georgia Better Business Bureau. Apparently, Collins helped Oreo complete her studies only as a stunt to prove that such diplomas are worthless.

He’s basically saying a school has to be a special kind of stupid to graduate a cat.

The nerve.

I’m sure Oreo, who was rescued from a ditch as a kitten, is justifiably proud of her achievement. How many human 2-year-olds can compose essays about their life experiences?

If you want to talk about stupid businesses, our late brother Rex had his own credit card. Credit was so loosey-goosey, First Card offered Karen another card in anybody’s name without any other information. So she got a card for Rex.

Soon, the mailbox was crammed with offers from American Express and many others, clamoring to give Rex more credit. He even started getting calls from telemarketers.

First Card raised his credit limit several times, even though he never charged anything. It was only when Karen ran into some problem with the account and got jerked around and, in a fit of pique, informed the company that one of their cardholders was a cat, that they cut Rex off.

But Oreo did the coursework in good faith and I think her owner should show her a little more respect. Giving her a new automatic litterbox as a graduation present was a good start.

She also got 15 minutes of fame with MSNBC, and CatsWorking just extended it to 16.

Congratulations, Oreo!

Big Cat Makes the Big Time

By Cole

As a long-time shelter cat who recently lucked into this cushy gig at Cats Working, I relish rescue tails tales with happy endings, and Pat the Cat is one. But Pat isn’t your typical shelter cat. He’s a jaguar.

Pat was born in Belize 8 to 11 years ago. His ‘hood kept shrinking, thanks to human development, until Pat’s only hope for survival was to become a cattle-rustler.

It wasn’t long before the humans noticed their herds dwindling, so they captured Pat and would have made him into a rug, but they noticed he had a certain je ne sais quoi and seemed friendly, in spite of everything. So they gave him to a sanctuary where he was further tamed and even had a song written about him.

Pat's a real hunk of cat.

In March 2008, he emigrated to the Milwaukee County Zoo and is now a worldwide celebrity.

The jaguar is the largest cat in the Western Hemisphere, and only 44 live in North American zoos. Only 9 of those were born in the wild, so inbreeding is a problem. Pat’s genes are welcome because he’s got no family here. Since jags live to be about 20, Pat’s considered a teenager and his new owners plan to make him the feline Hugh Hefner.

Here’s some video of Pat at the zoo, where he saw cheetahs and lions for the first time. There’s also a potential girlfriend named Stella. But if sparks don’t fly with Stella, Pat will be loaned to other zoos to party with loose females.

Here’s another video of Pat and Stella. She’s a real looker.

Since Pat has become the poster boy for preserving jaguars, he’s spawned merchandising that includes jaguar-themed jewelry and cookies.

So that’s another happy cat tale. Me and Pat. From the skids to success.

Mama, Don’t Make Us Cats Go Vegan

By Yul

I can watch people eat salad all day, just don’t toss any into my bowl. I’m an unapologetic carnivore.

Last month, Karen bought this bag of junk called “By Nature” that contains chicken and fish, but the brown rice, various grains, tomato pomace, sweet potatoes, carrots, blueberries, cranberries, and raspberries ruin it.

Cats eating berries? Ha! The bag sits untouched.

But it had me worried, so I’ve been checking around to see what cats might face if this animal vegan thing takes off. I found VeganCats who sell VegeYeast, a supplement 100 times more acidic than regular yeast.

Could that possibly be a good thing?

A dog-owning VegeYeast fan shared some of her homemade dog food recipes. She puts garlic powder in everything, oblivious that it’s dangerous for cats and dogs. (For the record, onion can be fatal.)

They also sell vegan Evolution at $2.95 for a 14-oz. can. Add the pharmacy of dietary supplements to fill the nutritional vacuum, and our food is probably more expensive than people’s.

VeganCats had nothing good to say about mainstream canned food:

Most people… don’t know about the filthy renderings, diseased parts and tumors, unnatural fillers and other junk that goes into common foods, and they seem to think that most foods contain pure meat. Well, folks, that’s not the case, and you’d probably be quite surprised how little “good” meat goes into most mainstream brands…

What’s their point? If you believe Anthony Bourdain, cats are getting the most delicious “nasty bits.” Well, maybe not the tumors.

But I agree with VeganCats on this…

For those who say a vegan diet is “not natural,” please let us know what’s natural about a cat eating parts of cow, turkey, salmon or other such creatures that they’d never catch in the wild. When there is finally a can with a full dead squirrel, mouse, mole, etc., inside, then there will finally be a “natural” cat food…

Now they’re talking. We’d love Friskies® Field Mouse Savory Shreds, and we’d be helping the environment!

What if Cats Wore Burqas?

By Adele

Since his wife Carla keeps a closet full of Dior, it’s no surprise French President Nicolas Sarkozy sees nothing chic about burqas and niqabs, those head-to-toe black things some Muslim women wear. Yesterday in a speech to parliament, Sarkozy called those women “prisoners behind a screen” with no identity, subservient and debased, and declared such dress unwelcome in France.

That got me thinking…what if by some bizarre twist of nature, dogs could make cats wear burqas? Forcing us under wraps with nothing but our eyes to contend with is the only way they could ever get the upper paw on us.

Dogs would be free to romp and play and pee everywhere. Cats would become identical-looking nonentities — sweltering in the sun, unable to run, jump, eat, or even wash our faces in public.

The robes would drag through our kitty litter, stifle our natural grace, keep our tails between our legs, and make vermin lose all respect for us. Before long, the planet would be teeming with rats gone wild and the plague would make a comeback.

Cats — useless, faceless, helpless — would have to sit there and watch mankind get wiped out while dogs just stood around barking their heads off.

If God, Allah, or Whoever intended for any of us to be shapeless blobs, we’d have been built that way in the first place. But we’re not. We’ve got parts and we’re supposed to use them.

I hope Sarkozy’s attempt to liberate Muslim women is accepted graciously, without riots or violence. He only wants to see who they are and let them realize their full potential.

Miami Cat Killer Deserves Law of the Jungle

By Cole

The new guy always gets the toughest assignments, so I’m responding to searches on “cat murderer” with our opinion on the Cat Killer.

Since May 10 in the Miami ‘burbs of Cutler Bay and Palmetto Bay, someone was killing innocent, trusting pet cats in unspeakable ways and leaving their mutilated bodies everywhere.

I myself grew up dodging crazy cat haters in the ‘hood as a stray until I found protection with caring shelter volunteers who weeded out wackos, so I can only imagine the terror and agony these poor kitties suffered in their last moments at the hands of a remorseless, butchering stranger.

After receiving tips and monitoring his Internet postings, particularly on the “Catch the Cat Killer!” Facebook group, the police arrested 18-year-old Tyler Weinman on June 14. Weinman lives in both towns, shuttling between divorced parents, and he “smirked” for his mug shot like this is a big joke.

He’s already raised his $249,500 bail and could be released today after a judge reviews his psychiatric evaluation. He’s supposed to remain under house arrest, wearing an electronic monitor.

Weinman faces 19 counts of felony animal cruelty, four charges of burglary, and 19 counts of improperly disposing of animal carcasses. He could get 158 years in prison, but we all know he won’t.

If he’d lured away 19 human toddlers, sliced and diced them, then tossed their gutted bodies on their parents’ front lawns, some with their faces cut off, he’d be smirking at a crazed lynch mob.

But some people think killing cats is no big deal. It’s just what boys do for fun.

If Weinman is guilty, he should be punished by cats — big cats. They’d play with him a long time before slowly shredding him.

There’s no description for his behavior except savage. The law of the jungle should apply.

But it won’t. If convicted, he’ll be out in a few years, just like dog torturer/murderer Michael Vick. These beloved cats will be forgotten until Weinman butchers a person and the victim’s family says, “If they’d kept this sick bastard in jail for killing cats, my (wife, child, husband) would still be alive today.”

The cats’ deaths are a warning to humans. You will be next if you don’t take this seriously.

6/17/09 UPDATE: Tyler Weinman is out of jail until his July 6 arraignment. The judge, in a decision she’ll regret if one more cat dies, decided Weinman’s not a theat. New details about the investigation have come out, including that Weinman is covered with scratches, which would indicate the cats put up a good fight before being slaughtered.