Why Chris Christie Should “Lose It”

By Cole

When Chris Christie ate a doughnut on Letterman last week, he claimed to be a really healthy fat person, and had everybody in stitches.

But the jollies disappeared when Christie told Bill Clinton’s former physician, Connie Mariano, to “just shut up” after she said she worries he’d die in office if elected president.

I agree Mariano was out of line speaking about someone who isn’t her patient. But let’s face it. The dangers of obesity are as proven as the dangers of smoking.

And they don’t call it “morbid” obesity because there’s anything funny about it.

Nationally, Christie has overcome the stigma of being a Republican by displaying common sense, directness, and a willingness to work with Democrats. He blew off campaigning for Mitt Romney to accompany Obama on a tour of storm-ravaged New Jersey, to cite just one example.

But if he blows this colossal opportunity to inspire the nearly 70% of American adults who are overweight or obese and do more to help the country get healthier than any garden Michelle Obama can ever plant, he probably doesn’t belong in the White House in 2016 after all.

All the guy has to do is stop making jokes and excuses and step away from the doughnuts.

Being fat has no valid defense. There are myriad excuses, some well-founded, but NONE of them make obesity healthy.

Christie should follow the lead of Mayor Kenneth Wright of Portsmouth, Va., who weighs 400 lbs. and took the opposite tack last week by announcing his intention to lose 100 pounds in a year so he can be a role model to Portsmouth’s 39% of overweight adults.

If Chris Christie could show us he can solve a problem as intractable as his girth, he’d have the Republican nomination — and probably the election — locked up.

Sure, the first few months will be embarrassing when the press catches him huffing and puffing as he gets moving. But men lose weight so much easier than women, he’d start improving quickly, and positive reactions would fuel his motivation.

And it would only get better.

I just don’t understand why he’s fighting it. Christie has nothing to lose by owning up to his weight problem, and everything to gain by losing it.

Besides, at Cats Working we say, if Karen can do it, anybody can…

Obama’s Second-Term Theme: Enough is Enough

By Cole

If you were disappointed by President Obama’s first term, you had to love his second inaugural speech, where he focused on fixing what ails THIS country. He made scant mention of foreign policy or matters most dear to Republicans — namely, screwing anyone who isn’t rich and white.

Michelle was kind enough to toss Boehner & Co. a symbolic bone by dressing both the kids in purple.

After the ceremony, John McCain whined, “I would have liked to see some outreach.”

Yeah, for what? So you could spit on Obama’s extended hand and turn your back on him again?

Now that he has no more elections to win, Obama seems fresh out of cheeks to turn with Republicans. They seem to get the message.

Or perhaps a few Republicans heard about the recent Public Policy Polling survey where people ranked the 112^th Congress below head lice, cockroaches, and colonoscopies, among other odious things.

Or maybe they got embarrassed watching themselves trying to rip Hillary Clinton a new one over the September attack on the Libyan Embassy. Beating Hillary over the head with the corpses of 4 murdered Americans for political show was exactly what we’ve come to expect of them. It was predictably pointless and disgusting and had Hillary exasperated.

Obama’s new calls for gun control, immigration reform, and gay rights have got the Republicans scurrying for cover, and led their standard-bearers, like vice presidential loser, Paul “Lyin’” Ryan, to tell his cronies they’d better start “picking their fights.”

In so many words, they’re admitting they’ve been hell-bent on sinking Obama just for spite, no matter what a mess they made of the country.

Isn’t that called treason?

This week, they’re allowing progress on immigration, and are letting women go in to combat.

Even the Boy Scouts are pulling their heads out of their asses to consider co-existence with gays (which they’ve probably been doing all along, just refusing to acknowledge).

Mitt Romney’s 3-million vote defeat proved that backward, conservative thinking is not the country’s preference. We hope Obama and Biden continue to drag Republicans into the 21st century.

Riddle: How is the NRA Like the Old South?

By Cole

Obama and Biden are showing welcome and long-overdue cojones in launching the gun-control battle. The NRA’s chicken response was to drag Obama’s daughters into it with a nasty attack ad calling Obama an “elitist hypocrite.”

In what way? Because his daughters attend a good school? Do kids in NRA families just run the streets?

As expected from those who dwell in a fact-free world, the NRA refuses to acknowledge that Obama’s kids—maybe more than anybody’s—need protection from all the gun-toting, card-carrying cowards the NRA is whipping into a frenzy for their trumped-up “fight of the century” with false claims that Obama will confiscate all their weapons.

NRA president David Keene and CEO/EVP Wayne LaPierre have become the poster children for lunacy, spouting that the government OWES every citizen access to the means to commit mass murder.

Whenever there’s killing, they clamor for more guns for more killing.

Crazy beliefs also started the Civil War. The North was never out to sink or subjugate half the country. It just wanted the South to stop exploiting innocent blacks, and justifying it with outrageous lies about their supposed inferiority.

The NRA would have you believe you’re inferior without a gun — and I’m sure they’ve got no shortage of nutty members who’d be happy to shoot you to prove it.

This week in Richmond, a 4-year-old found a loaded gun on a table in his home and shot a man, who later died. The NRA must be busting a gut with pride to see a killer toddler spawned.

Still, Virginia’s General Assembly REFUSES to get serious about gun control. Take a look at what falls on deaf ears in that loony bin.

Cats Working applauds New York’s Andrew Cuomo for having the guts to pass gun legislation with teeth, and to be quick and sneaky about it so gun nuts wouldn’t have time to spike sales, like they do in Virginia while Governor Bob McDonnell fiddles.

And let’s hope Obama and Biden don’t lose interest or back down. We can’t let go of this rat until it’s dead, folks. Decent people need to tell their NRA-bought representatives, “Enough is enough!” and DEMAND limits on the availability, types, and number of weapons dickless cowards can own — or don’t come crying to me when your bullet-riddled corpse ends up in some gutter.

Answer to Riddle: The NRA and the Old South are/were champions of morally indefensible causes.

Riddle: How is a Gun Like an SUV?

By Cole

Everyone in the gun control debate seems to agree that crazy people shouldn’t have guns. But Senator John McCain thinks assault weapons shouldn’t be banned.

I think McCain’s opinion is symptomatic of mental illness. Anyone who believes private citizens should have the means to commit mass murder in a minute is a sick bastard.

Similarly, hunters who think they should, need to, or just enjoy shooting innocent animals for sport have mental issues (and probably really small penises).

Also of questionable sanity are those who think they need arsenals in their homes from which crazy people can steal (see Nancy Lanza, the gun nut who facilitated the Newtowne massacre and found herself dead, thanks to one of her own guns).

This may surprise you, but I’m OK with private citizens owning one small gun that fires one bullet at a time — that’s all they need to stop an intruder. BUT, they should have a license, a thorough background check showing no history of violence or crime, AND they should complete periodic, mandatory gun training to earn and renew their license.

Some guns are called “assault weapons” because victims have no chance against them. By the same token, SUVs are “assault vehicles” and instruments of death.

The thought process playing out with guns today is a replay of what happened when massive SUVs became available to any moron with a driver’s license.

Just like guns, SUVs make their owners feel invulnerable, immortal, and in possession of a bigger penis. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mini Cooper would be no match for Woody Allen in an SUV.

But SUVs are as impractical for citizens as home arsenals. They hog EVERYTHING — the materials they’re made of, gas, roads, parking spaces. They’re an utter waste.

But you see SUVs everywhere because enough nuts initially bought them to make sane people feel compelled to do likewise — IN SELF-DEFENSE.

Gun sales spike after each massacre in a self-defensive response. (Nuts jobs use massacres as excuses to bulk up their arsenals.)

The only way we’re ever going to stem this country’s rising tide of mayhem is to forcibly insist on civility for all.

People need to scream for bans on assault weapons and ownership of multiple weapons. Limiting the type and number of firearms people can have violates NOTHING in the Second Amendment.

The government can take another baby step back from the fiscal cliff by taxing the hell out of bullets to make them prohibitively expensive. It can also tax the hell out of SUV sales to make regular cars all most people can afford.

Want the answer to my riddle? A gun is like an SUV because NOBODY, besides active military in a war zone, needs to have either one.

Virginia’s Redneck Response to Newtown

By Cole

The front page of today’s Richmond Times-Dispatch proclaimed that Virginia’s Republican governor, Bob McDonnell, thinks a remedy for school massacres might be to arm the adults.

OK, Bob, let’s step through a few possible scenarios…

If killers know that principals are likely to have a gun in their office, they’ll just head straight for the classrooms. After seeing this week’s tsunami of grief over the horrific deaths of 20 little kids, these sick creeps know the classroom is where they can get the most “bang for their buck” anyway.

You suggested that teachers who already have concealed weapons permits be trained and bring their pieces into the classroom. So now you’ve got all the kids spending every day in a room with a loaded gun.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s no different from home, where Dad keeps an arsenal in the china cabinet. But that doesn’t make it right.)

And with background checks being so reliable and thorough (NOT), are you willing to guarantee that every gun-owning teacher can be trusted not to snap and go postal on the class that disrespects and defies authority once too often?

So the teacher keeps the gun locked in his desk. Then a gunman suddenly walks in and starts spraying the room with bullets. Before the teacher can get to his gun, he’s dead.

And since teachers can’t be in their classrooms 24/7, what’s to keep an enterprising little lock-picker from getting to the gun and wasting the classmates who just bullied him in the lunchroom?

Let’s say the teacher DOES reach the gun in time during an attack. Will he always be enough of a sharpshooter to bring down the killer while his students are running around in pandemonium?

How do you think the country will take it when some vigilante teacher accidentally mows down some of his own students? In essence, having a gun makes him the killer’s accomplice.

I wish the NRA zombies would clean the lint out of their heads and recognize that more guns is never the solution for a society craving PEACE.

Response to Newtown Incomprehensible — Yet Predictable

By Cole

Twenty little kids and 6 adults get mowed down by a deranged punk, giving 26 families the gift of burying their bullet-riddled loved ones at Christmas, and it only takes 2 days for Republicans to say the way to end the senseless butchery is…

MORE GUNS.

Former Education Secretary Bill Bennett thinks schools should be armed.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) “wished to God” that the principal had an M-4 assault rifle so she could have taken Adam Lanza’s “head off” before he killed her.

I bet the NRA is raining bribes on its Congressional lackeys to advocate target practice for kindergarteners so they can learn to defend themselves (and grow up to be gun-owners).

The irony is lost on them that Adam’s mother, Nancy, collected guns and taught her son to shoot so he could pump Mom’s head full of lead with her own weapon before he traipsed off with more of her guns to commit a massacre.

Yes, it certainly makes sense to put more guns in homes. NOT.

The FBI reports gun sales at an all-time high, yet gun ownership is in decline, which means Nancy Lanza types are on the rise.

President Obama seems sufficiently shaken up by this latest atrocity to confront this problem head-on.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) intends to introduce legislation to reinstate the assault weapons ban.

Even the NRA’s darling Democratic senator, Joe Manchin (D-WVa), is willing to consider banning assault weapons.

It’s a start, but the country needs a seismic culture shift. In addition to choking off the free flow of weapons to anybody who wants one…

The media can stop glorifying murderous scum with 24/7 coverage of their carnage.

We need to recognize that young adults are oblivious to violence. They see it on TV (real and scripted) and in movies. They practice mass murder in video games. Horrors of greater magnitude than Newtown happen daily around the world — and American kids have no clue. Just like Mom and Dad.

ALL adults need to regain their sense of outrage at violence — for sport or otherwise — and start doing something about it.

They need to gather up and destroy as many weapons as they can. They need to lock up the bullets — or tax the hell out of them so to shoot anything means missing a mortgage or car payment.

People need to put down the smartphones and stop ignoring or shrugging off the potential killers and their copycats. The signs are almost always there. These nuts need to be taken out of circulation.

Every time we have a Columbine, a Virginia Tech, an Aurora, a Newtown, and people do nothing but light candles, cry, and pray (and re-elect politicians who’d rather have regular massacres than give up their right to carry double-barreled penis extensions), Americans show the world what a bunch of craven, ignorant barbarians we are.

Without drastic gun control NOW, Washington may as well can the debate over the fiscal cliff and the future of this country. It won’t have one.

Republicans Refuse to Leave La-La Land

By Cole

From the depths of his election-loss funk, Mitt Romney emerged for a conference call with wealthy donors who squandered big bucks on him and explained that Obama won because he gave so many “gifts” to young people, blacks, women, and Hispanics during his first term.

In RomneyWorld, any act that could give a non-millionaire a little financial relief or healthcare security is a “gift.”

If there’s any lingering doubt that Romney would have presided over the ritual rape and pillaging of the “have nots” so his fellow “haves” could have even more, this should erase it.

According to Romney, if you’re not rich, you deserve NOTHING. You’re a MOOCH.

It’s amazing Romney didn’t include the elderly on Obama’s gift list.

Oh, wait… wasn’t it George W. Bush who closed the donut hole on Medicare prescription drugs for them without having any way to pay for it?

Can’t go there.

And Romney’s faithful running mate, Lyin’ Paul Ryan, has been regretting that Obama got so much support in the most densely populated areas of the country — where the people are.

If cows and cornstalks could vote, Ryan would certainly be VP-elect now.

GOP denial began with Karl Rove’s meltdown election night when Ohio went to Obama. It was like Rove knew the voting there was rigged in Romney’s favor.

And John McCain, in what increasingly appears to be the onset of dementia, has been tottering through the morning shows, still blaming Obama for the attack on the Libyan Embassy and using it as an excuse to reject Susan Rice as the next Secretary of State. Like either of them had any direct control or knowledge on any of it.

Even though decisively defeated, Republicans are making it clear they have NO intention of pulling their heads from their asses and moving on with business. They want the world to see that their hatred of black cats and people of modest means runs really deep.

We should thank the 3.5 MILLION voters who denied Romney the Oval Office, because every time Romney opens his mouth, he still proves they did the right thing.

Dear Mitt…

So you got a pink slip after 6 years of pouring your heart and soul into the job of running for president. It’s like the voters shut down your vote factory. Bummer.

(Photo – ABC News)

Even worse, the “undeserving” black cat and his zany sidekick won — without an Etch-a-Sketch. Their party didn’t even have any schemes to keep people out of the polls and disqualify votes.

But their party also didn’t show contempt for women who want birth control and equal pay, minorities who don’t “self-deport,” the elderly who collect Medicare and Social Security they worked their whole lives to pay for, and that pesky 47% you think are lying in the gutter waiting for government handouts.

When you add all those people together, it’s a wonder you got as many votes as you did.

So now you’re “between jobs.” If you get tired of watching your kids spawn the next generation of Romneys (just read No. 19 is on the way) or hanging out at your many homes, you and Ann could take a vacation to Switzerland or the Caymans and visit your money. You don’t think U.S. banks are good enough to hold it, so it was pretty ironic of you to expect voters to bank on you.

If there’s any consolation, perhaps it’s that you’ve given parents a great example to use for scaring their kids…

“If you keep saying you believe one thing one day, then deny it and say the opposite the next day, nobody will ever trust you, and you’ll grow up to be a loser like Mitt Romney.”

I’m sure becoming an unemployment statistic must gripe your soul, so maybe you could reapply at Bain Capital.

You’ve been saying every minute for the past 2 years that the economy is in the toilet, so it should be easy to find scads more companies to kick while they’re down until they’re dead and feather your nest even plushier.

Or maybe you could bone up on history. Particularly the era of 2000-2008 when the president whose name you never speak sent this country into its current tailspin with the ruinous ideas you still embrace. Maybe he holds the answer as to why you failed to persuade enough voters to screw themselves by electing you.

As they say, “Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.”

But in all fairness, George Bush’s family had a well-oiled cheating operation that ensured he could never “lose.”

It looks like Karl Rove must have dropped the ball in Ohio for you. To see how vehemently he refuted the results on Fox News, Rove seemed to know Ohio was supposed to go down differently.

I bet you weren’t planning to prove the truth of another cliché, “Cheaters never prosper.”

Uncle Sam may let you slither through loopholes to cheat on your taxes, but the country just couldn’t let you lie and cheat your way into the White House.

God Bless America.

Sincerely,
Cole

VOTE, or Maybe Not

By Cole

This is the last post I’ll write about this election. OK, maybe one more, but only if I get to gloat. I promise I won’t whine if Romney gets more votes. (I just can’t bring myself to call him a “winner.”)

Once again, we cats are forced to sit on the sidelines while the fate of our country lies in the hands of feckless humans, just because you have opposable thumbs.

But if cats could vote, I can tell you the only ones who’d be voting for Romney are pampered Persians with a sense of entitlement, and some Siamese who can’t see straight.

The Domestic Shorthairs, the nation’s most powerful feline contingent, which includes most strays and by far outnumbers purebreds, would be voting for the black cat.

So I hope everybody goes to the polls tomorrow to vote, UNLESS…

• You haven’t watched at least 500 TV ads (if you live in a swing state) and rolled in that mud.
• You didn’t bother to watch any of the debates, so you missed seeing Romney’s best flip-flops and outright lies.
• You think the country needs a president who believes there’s magic in his underwear (and I’m not talking about what’s IN his underwear, which all men believe to be magical, but his actual shorts).
• You think the country needs a first lady who’s more empty-headed than Laura Bush and has dedicated her life to breeding, either herself or through her offspring.
• You want to see our Commander in Chief, through sheer tactlessness, totally piss off China, Russia, most of Europe, South America, and Africa.
• You think the Middle East deserves a U.S./Israeli attack on Iran — just because it’s there.

In that case, you are too dumb to vote and you need to stay home watching the Cartoon Network. We’ll let you know how it turns out.

Romney Takes a Bayonet on Foreign Policy

By Cole

After 6 years of running full-time for president, voters have YET to see the “real” Mitt Romney. Last night’s 3^rd and final presidential debate, on foreign policy, was no exception.

The polls say Obama won it because Romney played DittoMan, agreeing with just about every policy Obama mentioned, even if it meant doing a 180 on his own positions, and having no ideas of his own except to “get tougher” with everybody except his BFFs in Israel.

Romney’s problem with debating — aside from never knowing which face of Mitt he should wear — is that he doesn’t comprehend the word debate.

He doesn’t hesitate to criticize and oppose the president everywhere else, but in a debate Romney turns into that JELL-O® you can’t nail to the wall.

I give Obama 4 paws up for not punching this face…

Thanks to split-screen TV, the world saw Romney’s studied blankness whenever he wasn’t talking. Whether he was being praised, criticized, or called out as a liar, when Obama spoke, Romney rarely deviated from a fixed stare with a hint of smirk.

If Romney was doing it to placate women voters who hate confrontation, the effect was fake and creepy.

Obama once again found himself down the rabbit hole, trying to reason with someone who responded with irrelevant or erroneous factoids and flatly denied things he’s stated MANY times before — like Russia is our greatest threat and it’s a mistake to set a date for leaving Afghanistan.

Once again, Obama pointed out Romney’s reversals and lies, and even chided him — with the much-quoted “horses and bayonets” example — for ignoring our Navy’s current efficiencies while pining for the long-lost fleet of 1916.

It was telling that when the debate ended, both men stood and walked away from each other, when they were sitting within reach of an instant handshake.

And then Romney proceeded to pack the stage with at least 3 generations of his family, as if demonstrating his intent to personally repopulate the country with Mormons.

The president and Michelle stuck around just long enough to greet the Romney coven, shake a few hands in the audience, and beat it. But Romney and his wife lingered to milk the crowd — like he cared about them or something.