Why Aren’t White House Party Crashers in Jail?

By Yul

The social parasites who crashed the first White House state dinner (unnamed to avoid feeding their rush upon Googling themselves), stood up Larry King to shop their story around the networks for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

They need the money. Blondey allegedly hasn’t paid her hairdresser since 2002, and her polo-playing hubby sent his parents’ Virginia winery into bankruptcy.

But instead of talking TV deals, this pair should be talking to the CIA — in an undisclosed location under a naked bulb while being beaten senseless with rubber hoses for making President Obama look like a fool in front of India’s prime minister.

I rarely miss the Bush administration, but Cheney would have known how to handle this, and it wouldn’t have involved posing with trespassers for Facebook.

Let’s hope no network is stupid enough to take their bait. These people aren’t news, and they’ve already made too many front pages. If we keep feeding freaks’ insatiable need for attention, they’ll never go away. Hear that, Jon and Kate Gosselin?

NBC news anchor Brian Williams aptly compared the crashers to “Balloon Boy,” the kid whose father pretended his son was trapped in a runaway balloon to land a reality show. He pleaded guilty to a felony. Shouldn’t invading the White House carry a stiffer penalty — say, a few years of hard time?

Obama simply can’t let this pair get off scot-free — or sit back and let them profit from their dishonesty — or he’ll cement the growing perception that he’ll roll over and play dead on just about anything.

Goalie Penalized for Kindness to Cat

By Cole

Being a sports-loving cat can can get you in trouble in Croatia. When a stray cat wandered onto the field of a soccer match (they call it “football”) in Sebenik, the goalie for the visiting Medjimurje Cakovec team, Ivan Banovic, carried it to safety and put it through the fence under the scoreboard.

Then the referee penalized Banovic with a “yellow card” for leaving the field without permission.

I’m wondering what the stupid referee expected the players to do with a cat on the field. Trample it to death, kick it for a goal, or hit it with the soccer ball?

Even though Banovic’s team lost 0-1 to Sebenik, fans cheered for him the rest of the game to register their approval of his kitty kindness.

Maybe some soccer fan can tell me what a yellow card is. Does soccer have different colored cards for different penalties? Do players collect the cards and trade them? Do their uniforms have special pockets to hold the cards while they’re playing?

Instead of throwing flags, just imagine American football referees — I mean real football, with the flattened-out ball that bounces funny — handing out cards to naughty players.

Not to miss a chance for product placement, Hallmark could provide the cards, inscribed with poignant verses reminding players of their neglected mothers and moving them to tears, causing even more time-outs and extending already-interminable games into all-day events.

Referees’ flags would become hankies for weeping tight ends, and teary commiserations would be shared during huddles, which would be renamed “support groups.”

Somehow, I think cards would take all the fun out of the chasing and tackling, although all the male bonding would probably cause a marked increase in butt-fondling.

New Moon Sucks the Life Out of Vampires

By Karen

I was sort of railroaded into seeing New Moon last week (don’t ask). I know I’m spitting in the face of the film’s rampaging success, but as a vampire aficionado, I hated almost every minute of it.

At least Mathew DeKinder of the St. Louis Suburban Journals is in my corner.

First, I don’t understand why author Stephanie Meyer gave nocturnal titles to any of her 4 Twilight saga books. She could have called the series High Noon. By ignoring or failing to research vampire legend, her vampires are basically ordinary folk with pale skin and red eyes — more albino than bloodsucker. They don’t drink human blood. In daylight, they sparkle like jewels. Sunlight doesn’t even sting.

Nighttime, coffins, native earth, crosses, mirrors, stakes, running water. Forget ‘em. These pathetic excuses for vamps probably order extra garlic on their Domino’s pizza.

I know, I know. I need to read the books to see why vampire Edward Cullen is so mesmerizing. But I never read the books because I suspected no good could come from a Mormon writer playing with the undead, and New Moon proves me right. She’s steered a whole generation wrong on vampires.

The audience consisted mostly of teen girls. God help them if they identify with boring Bella Swan. Bella loves the vacant Edward, while a werewolf named Jacob loves her, and we waste the better part of 2 hours watching the 3 of them stare deeply into each other’s shallow eyes.

In Twilight world, the ultimate sin a vampire can commit is to go shirtless and let people see him sparkle.

Werewolves don’t fare much better. A full moon doesn’t trigger their transformation. Just annoy them and they turn furry. As humans, they wear nothing but shorts year-round in the Northwest. Shorts that seem to miraculously disappear and reappear. I wondered if they represented the ubiquitous underwear Mitt Romney refuses to talk about.

The film never explains why Bella loves Edward, but much of her screen time is spent is moping around after he disappears “forever” to protect her — from what? Another vampire sparkling at her?

Except for a few moments of spectacular werewolf special effects, New Moon is sheer tedium, the brief appearance of Michael Sheen (Tony Blair in The Queen, David Frost in Frost/Nixon) as ancient vampire Aro notwithstanding. Why, Michael, why?

Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, and Eric from True Blood must be curling in their coffins to think the torch has been passed to a droopy drip like Edward Cullen.

I’m counting on Johnny Depp to restore vampires to their former gory glory in 2010 when he plays Barnabas Collins in the remake of Dark Shadows.

Feline H1N1 Takes a Deadly Turn

By Yul

H1N1 isn’t just a ferret-killer. Since I last reported on it, at least three more cats have caught it and one of them died.

Buddy Lou was a 10-year-old male cat who lived in Oregon. About a week after a child in his house had H1N1, Buddy developed a weird pneumonia (view x-rays) and tested positive for H1N1. Antibiotics and oxygen failed to help. Buddy deteriorated over 4 days at the vet’s and he died on November 7.

Buddy Lou (Photo - Chicago Now/Steve Dale)

Buddy lived with 3 other cats who started coughing and sneezing, but none tested positive and all recovered.

The following week, a cat in Utah got sick after its owner had H1N1. This cat was having trouble breathing, and an initial nasal swab was negative, but further testing confirmed it was H1N1. That cat recovered.

Nine ferrets in Oregon came down with H1N1 after humans in their household had it, but they all recovered.

AnnArbor.com reported that 2 cats, 13 and 14 years old, also contracted H1N1, but they both recovered. Since none of these cats were named, it’s impossible to tell if they were additional cases or not.

Humans take note: NO ONE has reported cats passing H1N1 to humans.

Cats have no vaccine for H1N1. Dogs so far are unaffected, but they have their own flu, H3N8, and they do have a vaccine for it. (It figures.)

People, watch your cats for lethargy, poor appetite, fever, runny nose and/or eyes, sneezing, coughing, or changes in breathing (including difficulty breathing). It could be H1N1 and the cat needs to see the vet STAT.

If you are sick, protect your cat as you would try to protect your kid. Don’t sneeze into your hand and then pet the cat. It can lick the virus off its fur. Cover your face when you sneeze or cough to keep the virus out of the cat’s air space. Don’t handle the cat or its belongings with germy hands.

The Latest Bourdainia

By Karen

Actually being with Anthony and Ottavia Bourdain temporarily interrupted my usual cyber-hunting, but my Bourdain calendar is blank the rest of 2009, so I think Tony may be wrapping up his appearances this year. Here’s some catch-up…

Hill’s Kitchen caught a pic of Tony when he was in Des Moines on November 5.

Des Moines will be included in a Midwest episode of No Reservations during Season 6. Tony killed 2 birds with one stone by filming a scene at Bistro Montage while he was there.

AnnArbor.com snagged an interview before Tony’s appearance there on November 7.

Go Ahead and Snicker saw him in Ann Arbor and offers favorite Tony quotes.

While in Ann Arbor, Tony ate in some restaurant where he met chef and cookbook writer Max Sussman and posed for a picture. Sussman wrote Freshman in the Kitchen: From Clueless Cook to Creative Chef with Eli Sussman.

ClubFood shot a really creepy video about why Anthony Bourdain is her hero. Not sure about her dates, since I wasn’t aware he appeared anywhere on November 9. But between her drugged/hung-over(?) demeanor and her peeling orange nail polish, I’d say he has much more to fear from fans like this than the middle-aged ladies who read Cats Working. ClubFood even caught a snippet of illicit footage from his appearance. which you’ll find at about 5:30. And then her first commenter, the charming Deathrape2001, gets Bourdain totally wrong in every way.

Washingtonian.com had the most interesting recap of the Capital Food Fight on November 11 I’ve seen, and they critiqued Tony’s garb for the evening.

Next, Bourdain and family headed to Miami for a celebrity chef event with Eric Ripert and Jacques Pepin on November 13, and allpurposedark snagged a little Q&A. (Note to Morgan: Tony uses the word douchebag.)

Miami New Times reveals that Bourdain is on the short list of chefs (with Ripert and Ramsey) whom Ingrid Hoffman of the Food Network’s Simply Delicioso would like to cook naked with, in the answer to what has to be one of the most stupid interview questions ever.

TimesUnion.com interviewed Tony by phone before his appearance in Schenectady on November 15, after which he was flying to Ecuador to film No Res.

Speaking of Ecuador, We Travel World did a little fixing and got to meet Tony and crew while they stayed at the Mandala for 2 nights. Bourdain apparently wasn’t much-recognized outside of Quito.

Here’s what the TimesUnion reporter had to say after Bourdain’s Schenectady appearance.

Denver Post got an advance phone interview before his sold-out November 18 appearance there, and learned that Bourdain is now actively seeks to undermine the “bad boy” tag he can’t seem to shake.

Just to rub it in that Bourdain once vowed never to return to Denver after saying he couldn’t find any good food, Mayor John Hickenlooper presented him with the “Fork to the City.”

Café Society ran a contest to recommend 3 good restaurants for Bourdain in exchange for a pair of tickets, and this was the winning entry. After his appearance, they also posted one of the worst pictures I’ve ever seen of him.

A.V. Club reports on what Tony said in Denver and offers a bit of illicit video from the Q&A portion.

ROCNow scored an advance phone interview with Bourdain before his appearance in Rochester, NY, on November 20. Bourdain says he realizes that writing will be his fall-back after TV, and hints that maybe he’s getting weary of No Reservations.

James Leach with Rochester City Newspaper got another advance interview where Tony talks about becoming famous and offers a tiny preview of Season 6 of No Res.

DemocratandChronicle.com reports that Rochester gave Tony a standing ovation just for showing up.

AskMen.com did its annual ranking of the most influential men and places Bourdain at No. 73, although readers rank him 94th (the lower the number, the more influential). In 2007, he was No. 19. I’m guessing the husband-father thing may explain the slippage.

Karl Klockars, a food blogger in Illinois, wants to know what Bourdain has written lately to deserve the laurels he’s resting on, and criticizes his diligence in following Web buzz about himself.

Alice at Uncommon Sense writes an eerily lyrical love/hate letter to Bourdain that makes her regret her humdrum existence as a college student in Texas.

Finland has launched a campaign to get Bourdain to pay a visit.

In honor of the upcoming holiday…

Here’s a video clip of Bourdain preparing a turkey and stuffing from his only holiday special. It’s the closest Tony may ever come to doing a cooking show. Pass me some of that stuffing, Tony!

If you’re in New York City, Tony will be at the Union Square Barnes & Noble TONIGHT with David Chang at 7 p.m. and it’s free.

Will Sarah Palin Ever Run Out of Scapegoats?

By Adele

Short answer? No. And Oprah Winfrey walked on eggs trying not to become the next one. Sarah Palin’s book, Going Rogue, began polluting bookstores yesterday, blaming everybody for everything. Now she’s whining to Rush LimpPaw, Barbara Walters, and anybody else who can listen to her with a straight face.

Oprah seemed unusually subdued for most of their chat, carefully lobbing softball questions as if she’d been ordered, “Don’t try to make Sarah ad lib an original thought or say anything she can’t readily quote from the book.”

Oprah did dare to replay the infamous clip of Katie Couric asking Palin about what she reads. Palin’s still oblivious to the fact that she’s the only one who detects malice or a hidden agenda — and she still can’t name a title.

New York Times book reviewer Michiko Kakutani has pegged Going Rogue as “part cagey spin, part earnest autobiography, part payback hit job,” and hinted that Palin’s co-author, Lynn Vincent, features editor of an evangelical magazine called World, did Palin no favors by not cleaning up nonsensical imagery like this sentence from the first paragraph:

“I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier.”

Oprah only seemed to thaw out when she got Palin to say Levi Johnston has an open invitation to Thanksgiving, right after she trashed him by claiming he aspires to a porn career because of his relatively modest Playgirl spread.

Speaking of trashing, Palin also did a number on John McCain’s key campaign staff, especially manager Steve Schmidt, who calls the book “total fiction.” McCain has only said he’s “disappointed.”

So the dimwit thinks she gets the last word by putting her delusions in print.

The Associated Press did some fact-checking and, not surprisingly, found Palin’s facts lacking.

I confess, like President Obama, I will probably never read Palin’s book because Karen won’t let me. But the buzz tells me if you’re looking for reasons Palin would make a good president, they aren’t in Going Rogue.

Bourdain Food Fight Pan Scrapings

By Karen

The last tidbits I picked up from my evening with Anthony and Ottavia Bourdain at the Capital Food Fight in Washington, DC, on November 11:

Bourdain’s next book…

The manuscript is due in December for June 2010 publication, so Tony must be putting the finishing touches on it now. There will be a book tour. Ottavia told me the title may not be Cooks. She hasn’t read it. He only lets her see his finished work because she said her criticism is “too brutal.”

Ariane…

Ottavia showed me a picture of Ariane in a full-length white gown for Halloween, saying proudly that she looked like “a beautiful little bride.” Mama took Ariane trick-or-treating and she loved it. Tony was traveling and upset to miss it, but he already has next Halloween blocked off on his schedule. According to Ottavia, Ariane has her mother’s good appetite, eyes, and the strawberry blonde hair Ottavia had as a child, as well as Dad’s mouth and height. The height should serve her well because she’s studying ballet.

Ariane was with them in DC, staying at the hotel with her nanny. From there, they were flying to Miami for Tony’s appearance on November 13 with Jacques Pepin and Eric Ripert. He was due to speak in Schenectady, NY, on November 15, which regrettably didn’t leave much time for Miami R&R.

Vietnam…

Ottavia is “really excited” about moving to Vietnam, but doesn’t see it happening for a few years because of Tony’s many other commitments. However, he’s returning there in 2010 to, I assume, shoot another No Reservations.

Social life…

In New York, the Bourdain’s don’t go out much. Tony is recognized everywhere, and when he’s not traveling, he’d rather relax at home — and not in the kitchen. Ottavia said it’s not because she doesn’t like his cooking, as he claims. With a laugh she told me, “When I married a chef, I thought good… but no, he doesn’t cook much.”

After their early drinking dates, starting very late after her restaurant closed, they drink little at home. Ottavia said, “Mainly, Anthony drinks for the show and socially, but not in airports at 10 in the morning.”

Bourdain’s Alternate Universe…

I asked Tony if casting himself as the mad scientist for the “Cooking Channel” in his new animated Web series was deliberate, since Travel Channel’s new owners will be launching a channel by that name. He said with some irony, “No, it was serendipitous.”

Life imitating his art. Sometimes the snark is purely unintentional.

He also mentioned that this “Web freebie” turned out to be a lot more work than he envisioned. Ottavia said it was the brainchild of one of the producers’ relatives, a graphic designer.

Ottavia’s fans…

After the Food Fight, Ottavia asked me to accompany her up on stage, where Tony gave her a big kiss. Then he noticed me, and I said jokingly, “She and I are new best friends.”

He answered, “I was afraid of that.”

For all his misgivings about allowing me access to his wife, Bourdain placed his hand on my shoulder, not on my throat. Remarkable restraint.

People were clamoring to meet him on stage, so Ottavia and I returned to the floor, where two young Asian women shyly approached Ottavia. They recognizing her from No Res in Sardinia and told her they loved it. Ottavia seemed touched and surprised, and obligingly posed for a photo with them.

They left, and when I observed, “You have your own fans now,” she giggled.

Final thoughts…

Tony and Ottavia seem like a perfect fit. They’re attentive to each other, but she’s comfortable stepping back to share him with fans. Her self-confidence and maturity must help to ground him, but she also has a youthful ebullience that he probably needs to keep himself going at times.

When the night was over, we walked outside for another soaking by Hurricane Ida and ran in to none other than Tony, Ottavia, and Eric Ripert on the empty street. Tony bounded away to hail a cab and off they went.

Becoming Mrs. Bourdain

By Karen

After Ottavia began spending a lot of time at Tony’s place while they were dating, he invited her to stay an entire weekend, but she said she’d have to go home to feed Lupetto. Tony told her to bring the cat over, and Lupetto never left.

I said, “You know when a man accepts your cat, you have found a good man.”

Ottavia smiled and nodded in agreement.

She said she wasn’t particularly interested in getting married because things were going well. Now I’m surmising here, but Tony must have realized he’d found a keeper because he started talking about — brace yourselves — having a family.

Kids. His idea. Goes to show how little Tony lets TV and his books reveal about his soft side.

But in July 2006, Tony got trapped filming No Reservations in Beirut (his first episode to be nominated for an Emmy). Ottavia said he phoned her almost daily, but when he told her the cell phone towers were being bombed and they might lose touch, she got really worried. “The Italians and other countries got their people out. Where were the Americans?” she asked.

Ottavia Bourdain talks to Cats Working (Photo - Morgan)

When she was offered a seat on the private plane sent to meet Tony and his crew wherever the Marines dropped them off, she took it.

That close call made them both realize there’s no guarantee of tomorrow, so they decided to go for the family. They succeeded in conceiving on their first try, and Ottavia found out while they were vacationing in the Caribbean (or Miami, not sure which).

One night in December 2006, she was lying on the couch, “VERY pregnant, watching something dreadful on TV, like Dancing with the Stars,” when Tony asked her to marry him.

Impending motherhood had changed her attitude toward marriage, so she accepted. The only hitch was that Tony’s divorce wasn’t quite final yet.

I asked Ottavia what her parents thought of the 22-year age spread, and she told me she had always been a good kid, never in any trouble, so they trusted her judgment. Her mother read Kitchen Confidential. Although she didn’t find it exactly reassuring, all she said was, “Be careful.”

Ottavia said, “I was never into the big white dress or anything,” and a civil ceremony in April 2007 with no trimmings suited her perfectly. When I asked if they had a honeymoon, she replied with a smile, “We’ve been on many,” and I got the impression they’re on honeymoon wherever they go together.

Ottavia still studies martial arts for the exercise, but doesn’t fight much because it has caused some problems with her back, knee, and leg. But she’s glad to be able to defend herself, and plans to have Ariane start lessons next year.

The Bourdains traveled to Tuscany to film No Reservations when Ariane was just 4 weeks old, and Ottavia was asked to appear in the scene where Tony prepares an Italian meal for the crew. She said it was delicious and everybody was gobbling it, but they told her to say on camera that it was “disgusting” to make the scene funny.

The truth is, Tony does know how to cook good Italian.

And speaking of babies, I was wrong. Ottavia is not pregnant now, but she hinted that Ariane may not always be an only child.

Cats Working once asked if Bourdain’s wife chooses obscurity. Ottavia definitely does. She’s been asked to appear on No Res many times, but declines. She agreed to do the Sardinia episode only because her whole family was so excited about it. In the spring they’ll be filming in Rome and she’ll be there, but said she has no plans to appear on camera.

(We’ll be watching the edges of every frame, just in case.)

Bourdain travels so much, I asked Ottavia if it’s hard on her. She told me when Tony is anywhere within the U.S., she feels “he’s just a few hours away, so it’s not so bad.” Sometimes he comes home for a night, or she and Ariane go to him. It’s only when he’s overseas that she really feels distance between them.

Anthony Bourdain hosting the 2009 Capital Food Fight (Photo - Morgan)

Next: Bourdain Food Fight Pan Scrapings (sans Nasty Bits)

Ottavia Before Anthony Bourdain

By Karen

Morgan gets full credit for putting me in the right place at the right time to meet Ottavia. We were in a cavernous ballroom of the Ronald Reagan Building. The Food Fight stage was on a high platform with two small tiers of seats before it, off to either side. Morgan staked out the second row, house right. I think Ottavia and I spotted each other simultaneously.

Before I knew it, she and Tony had joined us. Ottavia greeted me with a big smile and a hug. Tony kissed my cheek. I apologized for basing my first impression on the Miami Ink clip. She laughed, agreeing that she looked like a “grinning idiot” (my description) because of how they cut the episode. She was dressed to relax in Miami, not be on TV, and understood how people got the wrong idea from her bare midriff.

She told us reading Cats Working is part of her Internet routine, and greeted Morgan and Cindy like old friends.

Tony brought up Winnipeg Bob’s recent visit to Les Halles, and told us waiter Tim, depending on his mood, will tell customers outrageous “revelations” about Tony, like he’s undergoing a sex change.

Before Tony left us to host the Fight, we got this group shot:

(L-R) MorganLF, Karen, Anthony Bourdain, Cindy (Photo - Cindy)

Ottavia graciously posed with me to prove there are no hard feelings with Cats Working:

Karen with Ottavia Bourdain (Photo - Cindy)

We were pleasantly surprised when Ottavia asked us to save her a seat because she was “alone.” She and I chatted for the next several hours.

Now, I must sincerely thank Ottavia for her company. I’ve said before I’m not a foodie. If she hadn’t kept me distracted, I’d have found some gourmet delicacies on toothpicks and poked my eyes out.

Watching people cook on stage is the PITS. Camera people constantly stood in front of the chefs to project their actions onto a big screen behind them. The judges, who included some of my faves, chef Eric Ripert and past Top Chef contestant Carla Hall, were seated far upstage, hidden from our view.

Three hours of watching smoke rise live from pans, with the actual food on TV, is not my idea of entertainment.

Now back to Ottavia…

She grew up in a small rural community of about 2,000 in, I believe, Italy’s Lombardy region. She loves animals and had chickens, rabbits, and “usually about 10 cats and always a lot of kittens,” and explained that spaying and neutering weren’t priorities then.

After high school, she began to study medicine and would have pursued it after moving to the States, but we require an undergraduate degree first. Her credits didn’t transfer, so she took a new direction in the restaurant business.

She met Eric Ripert working for him at Le Bernadin.

When she learned her favorite cat in Italy had died, Ottavia happened by one of those adoption events held by the North Shore Animal League. She saw a black kitten cowering “back in the corner of the cage” and decided they needed each other. She named him Lupetto.

Ottavia said she would love to have more cats one day when they move to a larger place, but she doesn’t know when that will be.

At age 28, Ottavia was working 14-hour days at the Geisha Restaurant in New York City and felt she didn’t have time for a relationship, but she didn’t want to be alone either.

She’d read Kitchen Confidential, saying, “Everybody did, it was like the Bible for us.” And she caught Tony once on No Reservations, “in Morocco or somewhere like that,” while she and a girlfriend were looking for another Travel Channel host they liked (sorry, I didn’t catch the name).

But Bourdain was still nowhere on her radar. She said, “I never thought I would get mixed up with a celebrity.”

Tony and Eric Ripert were good friends, and Ripert’s wife thought Ottavia and Tony might be a good casual match because Tony was on the road so much.

Ottavia made it clear to me that when she met Anthony (she uses his full name), he and Nancy were long separated, although not divorced, and he’d been dating. There was no overlap whatsoever with their meeting and his first marriage.

It took Tony a couple of months to follow up and contact Ottavia, and he did it via e-mail around Thanksgiving 2005. Their first date was that weekend, a very late night of drinking and smoking (she also had a 2-pack-a-day habit), so Ottavia was feeling rough the next morning and declined when Tony called and asked her out again that night.

He didn’t call again for about a month, but when they finally had another date, something clicked, and they became a couple.

While Ottavia and I were talking, Tony kept casting worried glances our way from the stage. At one point, he stood downstage in front of us and signaled her to button her lips, but she ignored him. I wonder what he was afraid she’d tell me?

Next: Becoming Mrs. Bourdain

Preview: Meeting Ottavia Bourdain

By Karen

It takes a lot to shock Cats Working reader MorganLF, but she was definitely in shock after the Capital Food Fight in Washington, DC, on November 11, co-hosted by Anthony Bourdain.

Anthony Bourdain hosting the 2009 Capital City Food Fight (Photo - Cindy)

Back at the hotel afterward, it took 3 martinis to steady my own nerves. I don’t know what reader Cindy did when she got home (we met her there), but her husband just told me she can’t stop talking about it.

I’m 2 days behind in client work, so I must attend to that right now. But I want you to know I’ve got lots to share. Once you read it, you’ll be able to say you know the real story of Tony and Ottavia.

Yes, Mrs. Bourdain was there. She’s a regular reader of Cats Working, and she stunned Morgan and Cindy by recognizing them by name. I spent about 3 hours with Ottavia, most of it one on one, and I came away regretting I never had a daughter. If I did, I would have wanted her to turn out exactly like Ottavia.

All I’ll say for now is, if you liked her in Sardinia on No Reservations, you’ll love her after I fill you in.

Winnipeg Bob, Bourdain knows all about your visit to Les Halles last week.

Note to Tony: I saw you cast many worried glances from the stage in our direction. Rest assured, I’m not out to embarrass anybody. On the contrary, you and Ottavia have empowered me to set the record straight, and I’ll do it with discretion. Hey, we’re fellow writers; we watch each other’s backs.

Readers, stay tuned. The details (with photo proof) are in the works…