Where’s Anthony Bourdain?

By Karen

Finding no personal appearances nor encounters on the road for No Reservations Season 6, I hope the absence of fresh Bourdain sightings signals Tony is enjoying some R&R with the family.

But I found some new audio. Sound Opinions in Chicago interviewed Bourdain on June 26 on the relationship between food and music. Bourdain’s featured during minutes 11-28.

On Sunday, July 12, at 10 a.m., the Travel Channel begins a non-stop marathon of No Reservations, leading up to a new episode at 10 p.m. on Monday, July 13, in Chile. He’s in Australia on July 20, and the Rust Belt on July 27 with Zamir, but that’s all I could find. No matter how I searched it, the TC schedule came up blank beyond that.

Seasons of Discontent recently honored Bourdain by naming him the blog’s Honorary Drinker of the Weekend.

Aspiring food writer Reagen Anderes, blogging for the Dallas Morning News, has been planning a fantasy No Res visit for Tony to Dallas, apparently anaware he’s already done Tex/Mex and Southwest episodes.

Bourdain slipped off the radar to drop by Livingston, Montana, to visit poet and novelist Jim Harrison some time “earlier this summer.” They dined on elk, antelope, and dove, according to the Wall Street Journal. Bourdain’s mentioned near the end of the article, and Mario Batali calls Harrison’s place “gastronomic heaven.”

Heaven Help Us, Sarah Palin’s a Free Agent

By Yul

Something smelled rotten when Sarah Palin claimed out of the blue she felt a “higher calling” and was abandoning her post as Alaska’s governor.

Everyone’s asking, “What next?” You can bet your treats she’s not thinking “homebody.” She’s been the family’s main breadwinner.

Obviously, someone has made her an offer she can’t refuse, and it’s in the lower 48. Move over, Ann Coulter.

I predict Palin intends to become the female Rush Limbaugh or a neocon Oprah — with a venue to make her a daily thorn in Obama’s side. She was just warming up when she took this swipe in her resignation speech, saying…

“And though it’s honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make.”

She’s already threatening to take legal action against bloggers and any other media outlet that says anything about a Palin she doesn’t like. She wants hers to be the only voice heard, even if it means trampling everyone else’s freedom of speech.

One reason she cited for resigning was all the bashing of her family, as if she herself didn’t parade them whenever it served her purposes as John McCain’s running mate. Now the woman who claims she has the chops to be president suddenly can’t take tasteless jokes at her children’s expense.

I suspect Palin believes some divine power has anointed her to lead the Republicans from their ideological wilderness and fill their leadership vacuum. In gratitude, they will draft her as their presidential candidate in 2012. That’s why she’s keeping her PAC alive.

Mine That Bird’s Got Jock(ey) Itch

By Adele

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird has been unwittingly snared in two horsey love triangles. I caught him by phone at Churchill Downs, where he’s been stabled since placing third in the Belmont. His Triple Crown hopes had been dashed in the Preakness when his jockey, Calvin Borel, ditched him to ride Rachel Alexandra to a narrow victory.

Adele: Thanks for talking to me, Mine. Congratulations on the Derby. Sorry about the other 2 races, though. The Preakness was a squeaker, but what happened at Belmont when you had Borel back? Did you throw that race to spite him, as some (me) have speculated?

Mine: Adele, since betting’s involved, I have no comment, but let us say that we horses think little of jockeys who play us to win a Triple Crown for themselves. It’s supposed to be a horse honor.

A: That brings up your latest dilemma. Calvin Borel rode Rachel last Saturday to win the Mother Goose Stakes, and now he’s been dropped as your jockey in future races because he won’t commit to you through the Breeders’ Cup in November.

M: Me and Borel made a good team while it lasted, but the race is won by the horse, not the jockey. That guy let his head get turned by a fast filly. As far as I’m concerned, he can have her.

A: And now they’re trying to get Mike Smith, your jockey in the Preakness, to commit, but he’s hedging because he wants to ride Zenyatta, the mare he rode to win the Vanity Handicap last Saturday.

M: Zenyatta’s a freak with a thing for fat jockeys. She lets Smith pig out between races and still wins. Personally, I hope they find me a Munchkin jockey. They stay light without all the heaving.

A: I understand you’re running in the West Virginia Derby on August 1, at Saratoga on August 29, and maybe one more before the Breeders’ Cup at Santa Anita on November 7. That’s a pretty heavy schedule.

M: Hey, that’s what I do, baby. Horses run.

A: Rachel Alexandra’s owners are saying she probably won’t run in the Breeders’ Cup because it’s artificial turf.

M: That’s their call. Me, I got no problem. That’s what hooves are for. But I’ll tell ya, win or lose, any race without Borel and that filly is a good race for me.

A: Good luck with your next jockey, Mine, whoever he is.

M: Don’t worry, Adele. Loyal fans like you, I don’t want to disappoint. No matter who’s on my back, I promise I’ll give it my best shot.

Catty Advice to Mark Sanford’s Wife

By Adele

Dear Jenny,

Congratulations on drawing the line of de-Mark-ation by kicking that cheating rat to the curb. You probably hoped it would scare him straight, but it backfired.

Confessing a little must have felt so good, Mark’s now saying he’s been a serial cheater for years. He “let his guard down” on vacations with his buds when he thought you’d never find out, which implies he considered cheating a lot. But he claims he never crossed “the sex line” before Maria Belen Chapur.

Bill Clinton taught us what “no sex” means. Inappropriate body parts touched with foreign objects.

That must make you feel so much better about sleeping beside Mark whenever there wasn’t another woman in the room.

Mark channeled John Edwards while confessing his Argentine trysts with Maria. First, it was only a few times in Argentina. Then a few times in New York. What next? A few times in your bed while you took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese?

To top it off, he’s still saying Chapur is his “soul mate,” but he wants to do you a favor and “try to fall back in love” with you.

That’s your cue, honey. Tell him, “No thanks.” The last thing your 4 sons need is a chronic philanderer as a role model.

Mark’s toasted his political career, so you’ll never be First Lady. If he doesn’t shut up soon, you won’t even be a governor’s estranged wife.

The rest of us hurl hairballs every time he blubbers remorsefully about diddling this woman he’s still obviously ga-ga over. It’s clear the only thing he really regrets is being tied to the old ball and chain — you.

Nobody's Crying for Sanford (Photo - Davis Turner/Getty)

Mark Sanford would best serve South Carolina by resigning the governorship, defecting to Argentina, and starting over with his soul mate — if her 2 teenage sons will let him.

Bo Obama’s a Boring Bow-Wow

By Cole

First Dog Bo Obama and I have something in common. We’re black and we have 2 white feet. His are in front and mine are in back. But that’s where similarity ends.

Bo posed recently for his official White House portrait on the lawn, which is being distributed on his new baseball card.

(White House Photo - Chuck Kennedy)

And let the merchandising begin…

Bo has a comic book called Puppy Power in which he’s a superhero. Dopey Dog is more like it.

There are already quite a few slapped-together books about him. Ty is selling a Bo Beanie Baby and key chain.

Such fuss over such a dull dog.

Michelle Obama said Bo likes to chew on people’s feet and play with his ball late at night. He also enjoys chewing his toys and eating tomatoes. His favorite pastimes are running and napping.

Ho, hum.

The only intriguing fact about Bo so far is that he’s a Portuguese water dog, but they say he can’t swim. How do they know he doesn’t dog-paddle? It can only mean someone threw him into the deep end of the pool and he sank.

Since Congress loves pretending to work, it’s a wonder they haven’t launched a full investigation.

Jon Stewart tried to make Bo controversial on The Daily Show by claiming he’s openly gay.

Nice try, Jon. But until Bo pees on something or somebody important while the cameras are rolling, he’s non-news.

Let’s hope Mad magazine digs up some real scoop for its book, Bo Confidential: The Secret Files of America’s First Dog, to be released in August.

Horse Racing Hijacked by 2 Female Phenoms

By Adele

Rachel Alexandra, the freakish filly who won the Preakness, robbing Mine That Bird of his jockey and his shot at the Triple Crown, has done it again. On June 27 at Belmont in New York, she became the first filly ever to win her next race after beating boys, and broke 2 other records.

Rachel ran in the Mother Goose Stakes against only 2 other fillies for 1 1/8 mile, but her 1:46:33 time set a new stakes record. Rachel could have blown through Secretariat’s slightly faster record at Belmont, but since she was ahead by more than 19 lengths, jockey Calvin Borel let her ease up in the final stretch.

While racking up her 7^th consecutive win, Rachel also beat Ruffian’s 13 ½-length margin of victory from 1975. But this was all in a day’s racing for Rachel.

In California, the amazing Zenyatta wiped the track at Hollywood Park with her 5 female competitors in the Vanity Handicap. Carrying Mike Smith at 129 pounds, which was 13-16 more pounds than the other horses (the “handicap”) and the heaviest weight of her career, the 5-year-old mare came from last on the 1 1/8 mile synthetic course to win by 2 ½ lengths for a time of 1:48:15.

Mike Smith and Zenyatta (Benoit Photo - LA Times)

Zenyatta is unbeaten, and this was her 11^th consecutive win.

The buzz now is all about when these two superstars will match up, but nobody knows. Zenyatta’s only left California once for a race, and Rachel’s owner isn’t eager to have her run on synthetic turf on the West Coast.

I’m kind of hoping the girls never meet. Otherwise, one of them will have to lose.

Michael Jackson: One Conflicted Black Cat

By Yul

I’m not a fan of Michael Jackson’s music, but I considered him a fellow black cat (underneath), and his unexpected passing stunned me. In his own strange way, Michael was one of those rare people whose departure leaves a hole in the planet.

Have you noticed how everyone seems to have forgotten they were vilifying him as a child molester just a few years ago and saying his career was over?

I believe he did inappropriate things, but with innocent intent, pathetically trying to recapture his own missed childhood. He didn’t realize he was playing with a stacked deck of adult knowledge and feelings because he tried so hard to suppress them.

Michael didn’t seem to have a mean bone in his body. If anything, he was too nice and people used him.

If his death was simply a sudden heart attack, Somebody up there provided him the mercifully quick and graceful exit he needed, but could never find for himself without having more scorn heaped on him. Fate may have known he was walking into the biggest humiliation of his life with that 50-show comeback next month in London, and that he wouldn’t be able to survive it.

Sure, die-hard fans were eager for him to command a stage again, but plenty of people would have been saying, “That weird, washed-up pedophile is just making a fool of himself.”

Michael must have felt enormous pressure to succeed, knowing it was his last chance to salvage his career and pay his debts. Failure would leave him even worse off than before, with no options left.

But now he’ll forever be the King of Pop, with no embarrassing finale. As the world mourns his death, we must acknowledge that, for his sake, its timing was perfect. I hope he’s finding the peace and love he craved so much in life.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Bourdain

By Karen

It’s a good thing Anthony Bourdain quit smoking because he’s got 53 candles to blow out today. We’ll be getting even more relief from the heat soon with new episodes of No Reservations beginning July 13 in Chile.

On July 27, watch for Bourdain’s much-anticipated journey to the “Rust Belt” of Baltimore, Detroit, and Buffalo with his pal Zamir. I’ve been renting The Wire from Netflix to get up to speed on Tony’s favorite show so I can fully appreciate his reaction to Baltimore.

The Travel Channel is playing coy about the air dates of the other new episodes. Maybe Ingrid from Room241 will check in soon and give us some scoop.

Cats Working reader UrbanJoanna sent a link to another great photo of lovebirds Tony and Ottavia. Her effortless chic is so Sex and the City.

Time magazine just dubbed the culinary tell-all genre Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential inspired as “Chef Lit.”

Culture in Indonesia, who’s trying to learn food writing, compares My Life in France by Julia Child to A Cook’s Tour by Bourdain and reaches an astoundingly off-base conclusion about Tony’s attitude toward food.

Thanks to Bourdain, I just got sucked in to Facebook while innocently trying to get a handle on his upcoming personal appearances. I’m in way deeper than I ever intended, hearing from long-lost cousins I couldn’t pick out of a lineup. I’m even registered like a common loony as one of Bourdain’s fans. Oh, the shame!

But since I’ve yet to figure out how Facebook works, none of it is doing me any good. Somebody out there please give it to me straight: Is Facebook an infuriating maze of poorly designed and hard-to-find features, or am I going senile?

Mama, Don’t Make Us Cats Go Vegan

By Yul

I can watch people eat salad all day, just don’t toss any into my bowl. I’m an unapologetic carnivore.

Last month, Karen bought this bag of junk called “By Nature” that contains chicken and fish, but the brown rice, various grains, tomato pomace, sweet potatoes, carrots, blueberries, cranberries, and raspberries ruin it.

Cats eating berries? Ha! The bag sits untouched.

But it had me worried, so I’ve been checking around to see what cats might face if this animal vegan thing takes off. I found VeganCats who sell VegeYeast, a supplement 100 times more acidic than regular yeast.

Could that possibly be a good thing?

A dog-owning VegeYeast fan shared some of her homemade dog food recipes. She puts garlic powder in everything, oblivious that it’s dangerous for cats and dogs. (For the record, onion can be fatal.)

They also sell vegan Evolution at $2.95 for a 14-oz. can. Add the pharmacy of dietary supplements to fill the nutritional vacuum, and our food is probably more expensive than people’s.

VeganCats had nothing good to say about mainstream canned food:

Most people… don’t know about the filthy renderings, diseased parts and tumors, unnatural fillers and other junk that goes into common foods, and they seem to think that most foods contain pure meat. Well, folks, that’s not the case, and you’d probably be quite surprised how little “good” meat goes into most mainstream brands…

What’s their point? If you believe Anthony Bourdain, cats are getting the most delicious “nasty bits.” Well, maybe not the tumors.

But I agree with VeganCats on this…

For those who say a vegan diet is “not natural,” please let us know what’s natural about a cat eating parts of cow, turkey, salmon or other such creatures that they’d never catch in the wild. When there is finally a can with a full dead squirrel, mouse, mole, etc., inside, then there will finally be a “natural” cat food…

Now they’re talking. We’d love Friskies® Field Mouse Savory Shreds, and we’d be helping the environment!

What if Cats Wore Burqas?

By Adele

Since his wife Carla keeps a closet full of Dior, it’s no surprise French President Nicolas Sarkozy sees nothing chic about burqas and niqabs, those head-to-toe black things some Muslim women wear. Yesterday in a speech to parliament, Sarkozy called those women “prisoners behind a screen” with no identity, subservient and debased, and declared such dress unwelcome in France.

That got me thinking…what if by some bizarre twist of nature, dogs could make cats wear burqas? Forcing us under wraps with nothing but our eyes to contend with is the only way they could ever get the upper paw on us.

Dogs would be free to romp and play and pee everywhere. Cats would become identical-looking nonentities — sweltering in the sun, unable to run, jump, eat, or even wash our faces in public.

The robes would drag through our kitty litter, stifle our natural grace, keep our tails between our legs, and make vermin lose all respect for us. Before long, the planet would be teeming with rats gone wild and the plague would make a comeback.

Cats — useless, faceless, helpless — would have to sit there and watch mankind get wiped out while dogs just stood around barking their heads off.

If God, Allah, or Whoever intended for any of us to be shapeless blobs, we’d have been built that way in the first place. But we’re not. We’ve got parts and we’re supposed to use them.

I hope Sarkozy’s attempt to liberate Muslim women is accepted graciously, without riots or violence. He only wants to see who they are and let them realize their full potential.