Coming Out of the Closet

By Yul

Lorenzo is a Maine Coon in Miami with humble beginnings. He was born on Halloween, stuck in a shoebox with his three sisters, and thrown in a trash can. His sisters, sadly, didn’t survive, but Lorenzo was adopted by a writer named Joann Biondi.

Besides living with writers, Lorenzo and I have other things in common. He likes to chase rubber bands. I like to steal rubber bands. He has written on his MySpace page about Obama, my favorite black cat in Washington.

Lorenzo has his own Web site and has been photographed extensively by Biondi while enjoying a peculiar fetish he seems proud of. Seeing him has given me the courage to come out and say…

I like to wear clothes.

At least, I would if I had any.

Karen tried to get me a sweater for Christmas but she couldn’t find one that complemented my rugged good looks. Most of what’s available off the rack for cats is pink and girly. Karen even checked into dog clothes, but they were made like crap.

So I indulge myself with shopping bags. This started years ago when I first put my head through the handle of a bag and realized that it made a dandy Super Kitty cape. I wore it around the house for hours, and then carefully removed it so Karen could fold it for me.

Super Kitty peruses the paper for crimes to avenge.

But what I really want is a real cape. Or a shirt or a jacket. Lorenzo’s clothes are handmade by Mr. Luigi in Tuscany, his personal tailor. I know Karen would never go for that, so if anybody knows where I can find decent duds closer to home, please write and let me know.

Little Girls Gang Up on Bourdain

By Karen

This week, Anthony Bourdain takes No Reservations within spitting distance of home, having lunch with actor Bill Murray in the Hudson Valley. Here’s a clip.

He also gets a good taste of what he’s probably got in store from daughter Ariane in about 7 years…

Speaking of little girls, Bourdain shares in his blog a touching essay by crew member Todd Leibler’s daughter. Tony, before you know it, Ariane will be writing her own revealing school essays. If she’s got a fraction of your talent, her teachers are in for a treat — or a shock! There may be a few urgent parent-teacher conferences in your future.

Cape Cod Times did a great run-down on Bourdain’s appearance in Providence, RI, on January 23, and mentions that Cape Cod might be on the short list for NR Season 7. (UPDATE: This article also implies that the Bourdains have a dog. I was able to verify that it’s not true and Lupetto the cat still reigns supreme. Tony was probably speaking of pets in general, and the reporter misunderstood.)

On February 28, at the Food Network South Beach Wine & Food Festival, Tony will square off with Eric Ripert in Death Match on the Beach: Battle Fish. From ingredients in a mystery basket, they’ll each try to prepare the best fish dish.

Sorry, Tony, my money’s on Eric to win.

Yet another wacko has tattooed himself with Bourdain — and Eric Ripert and Masaharu Morimoto.

Stellaa’s Blog gives Tony a lengthy kick in the pants. At first, I thought it was tough love, but she really does seem to hate the guy.

Here’s the most complete listing I’ve found on the ‘Net of Bourdain’s personal appearances.

Will Bloggers Free Bourdain from Chase?

By Karen

Wendy at Room 214 sent this surprising note regarding Anthony Bourdain brandishing a dummy Chase Sapphire card in Istanbul:

First, I wanted to say thank you for your post last week about the Brittany episode of No Reservations. I also wanted to let you know that I sent feedback to the sales group and production team about the credit card scene (Istanbul episode) that so many viewers are talking about. In other words, we’re listening. If I get any updates that I can share with you, I will!

Tony wasn’t packing the card in Brittany, although it would have complemented all that blue he kept talking about. But there it was in Prague, where Tony supposedly whipped it out at the Café Savoy before he’d even eaten. A plug so brief and pointless, it seemed as if Chase is experimenting with subliminal brainwashing.

Let’s hope the Travel Channel really is listening and ends this madness.

And in the WTF department…

Travel Channel granted Nomadic Matt’s Travel Site an interview with Bourdain. Matt asked his readers to pose questions and, after reading them, all I can say is, “Poor Tony.”

Tony’s latest blog post reveals he’s been filming somewhere in the Caribbean. Last week, I made a whirlwind tour of 5 islands in 5 days myself and never saw him (not that I was looking).

Cape Cod Makeover saw Bourdain in Milwaukee on January 22 (where he also filmed for an upcoming Heartland show) and says he wore WHITE cowboy boots and drank Pabst Blue Ribbon. Tony the redneck? Tell me it isn’t so!

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported on Bourdain’s topics that night, and I learned he’s been mugged twice at gunpoint and twice at knifepoint. The paper also published the menu of a local chef who cooked for Tony. His only restriction: no tofu.

A.V. Club was the only one to mention that Bourdain had to contend with a bad sound system and a lot of rude, drunken restaurant workers there.

According to Crain’s New York, Bourdain is teaming with Eric Ripert, David Chang, Daniel Boulud, and others beginning April 30 for the first Asian Food Festival and Restaurant Week to benefit the hunger relief organization City Harvest and the Asian American Federation, which fights poverty in Asian communities.

The Brûlée Blog got some illicit video of Bourdain in Calgary on January 12, with a shot of the podium that seems to confirm he does speak from notes, or at least topic lists.

Mission: Food met Bourdain at the book-signing after his appearance in Providence, Rhode Island, on January 23, and got a photo. Tony apparently wasn’t wowed. Notice: no teeth.

Daily Blender coined a phrase I asked myself many, many times while sitting in the San Juan airport trying to get home through a snowstorm on January 30…

WWTD: What Would Tony Do?

I thought I knew, I was willing, and I’ve done it before. But never with my parents. As soon as I heard it was snowing in Richmond, I’d have gotten myself on the next flight anywhere with any chance of getting me into Richmond before they rolled up the runways. But the folks wouldn’t consider overshooting our destination to, say, Pittsburgh or DC. So we sat for 11 ½ hours in the Twilight Zone — an airport whose arrival and departure boards listed canceled and nonexistent flights as “on time” and “airborne.” US Airways employees told us the airport routinely concocted flight schedules in the name of “consistency.” The only way to find out what was really going on was to phone the airline’s reservations number.

Bourdain provided a list of the 10 best chefs and restaurants around the world for the James Beard Foundation .

BehindTheKnife got a quick video interview with Tony inexplicably in silhouette on the beach at the Cayman Cookout, and got him talking about barbecuing on tire rims.

Epic Portions bestowed its first annual EPIE Awards with much snark toward the losers, but Bourdain and No Res distinguished themselves in several categories.

We’re Back!

By Karen

After a carefree week sailing the Caribbean, I ended up trapped in airports for the whole weekend, trying to return to Richmond during a “massive” mid-Atlantic snowstorm. (In Virginia and farther south, 8” qualifies as a blizzard.)

I’m sure Anthony Bourdain could laugh at my traveling trials, but he doesn’t travel with a pair of 70+-year-olds who want to call all the shots (which usually meant doing nothing to save themselves) because they’re the parents.

Anyway, I’m now digging out from the snow and all the information that piles up in a week. So please bear with me. I haven’t seen No Reservations in Brittany yet, and I’m looking forward to Prague tonight. I will catch up ASAP.

PS: The cats are recovering nicely from their own “hellish” experience while US Airways was torturing me in every imaginable way. Their pet sitter couldn’t get through the snow to open their cans and scoop their boxes. Yul staged one outside-the-box demonstration to convey the group’s dismay over the suddenly-nonexistent housekeeping service. I’ve been working so hard to get them back on track that my suitcase still sits unpacked.

Talking with Rachel Alexandra, Horse of the Year

By Adele

Rachel Alexandra finally agreed to a phone interview from New Orleans where she’s training, after learning she beat her arch-rival, Zenyatta, as Horse of the Year.

Adele: Congratulations, Miss Alexandra! I was worried Zenyatta would be the sentimental favorite, since she lost to Curlin last year and was supposedly retired.

Rachel: Call me Rachel. I hear you, Adele. We were both undefeated but, not to brag, I won 8 races to Zenyatta’s 5, broke a couple of records winning by 20 ¼ lengths and 19 ¼ lengths, which was ridiculous. Those other fillies barely left their stalls. And I was the first filly to win the Preakness since 1924, and the first filly ever to win the Haskell, and the first 3-year-old filly to beat older guys running a mile-plus in the Woodward Stakes.

Zenyatta ran against the same horses she always beats until they put her up against males in the Breeders’ Cup Classic. Big deal. I’d already beaten colts 3 times.

A: Everybody was disappointed that you and Zenyatta never raced each other. Did you hear she’s coming back as a 6-year-old? That means there could still be a match-up, and they’re talking about the Apple Blossom at Oaklawn on April 3.

R: Bring her on! If Zenyatta’s willing to get her hooves dirty on a real track instead of that fake stuff she loves out in California, I’d be happy to settle the “best horse” question once and for all.

A: You won the Preakness, the second Triple Crown race, and beat the winners of the Kentucky Derby and the Belmont, Mine That Bird and Summer Bird, respectively. I think that makes you the Triple Crown winner by default. Do you wish they had entered you in all three races so you could have earned the title for real?

R: Hadn’t thought about it, since I was busy winning races. But, gee, since you put it that way, I’m bummed. I felt bad beating Mine in the Preakness and crushing his big dream — with his jockey on my back, no less. It would have been preferable to win the Derby so he never got his hopes up. Mine’s a nice guy. So’s his brother, Summer.

A: I guess that means the rumors you tried to gain an edge before the races by freaking them both out pretending there was a love triangle are false?

R: Rumors? It’s no secret I’d be game anytime for a little ménage à trios with the Bird brothers. They’re hot! Racing is just our job.

A: They’re hot, but slow.

R: Well, yeah. I can out-run them with one hoof tied behind my back, but speed isn’t a necessarily good thing in boyfriends.

A: What do you do in the off-season?

R: Get my mane done. Have a pedicure. Watch Mister Ed reruns. I’m not much for reading.

A: Did you hear that Curlin, last year’s Horse of the Year, just had his first foal, a filly?

R: Yes. He and his chick Zophie have asked me to be her godmother.

A: Are you looking forward to the new racing season?

R: Sure. At this point, my only career options are racing or making little horses. I’d rather colts be chasing me than have one on my back. I’m not ready to settle down.

Juries Could Use More Cats

By Cole

Justice is looking up, now that a cat has been invited to participate in the process. This ground-breaking development happened in that cradle of progressiveness, Massachusetts. (Well, not so progressive since it turned red last week.)

A gray and white cat named Sal from East Boston has been summoned for jury duty.

Sal’s owner, Anna Esposito, thinks it’s because she named Sal on a census form. It was only asking about dogs (why?), but she wrote in “Cat” and Sal’s name.

Anna tried to get Sal disqualified from serving, but some brilliant jury commissioner denied her request. If Massachusetts law is like Virginia’s, if Sal doesn’t appear at Suffolk Superior Court on March 23, he could be held in contempt and face arrest.

To keep Sal out of the slammer, Anna says she’ll let Sal have his day in court, if necessary.

The joke will be on the commissioner if the trial runs long and Sal decides he needs to use the jury box for another purpose.

Any perp who gets Sal as a juror should be grateful because it will streamline the trial. The lawyers must keep their arguments snappy or Sal will tune them out for a catnap.

In the deliberation room, the other jurors can get mellow by petting Sal’s soft fur and reach a verdict without bickering over any evidence. Sal himself won’t pussyfoot in casting his vote if he smells a rat.

Unfortunately, Massachusetts doesn’t have the death penalty, which cats have always found it the most efficient way to keep vermin off the streets. But who knows? Today a cat on a jury, tomorrow a cat on the Supreme Court.

Anthony Bourdain’s Packing Plastic

By Karen

Tonight on No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain visits Brittany. I wonder if he’ll be buying anything on credit?

Under the revealing subhead, “Things We Hate,” Food Network Humor lit into the blatant, poorly-executed plug for Chase’s Sapphire card during Bourdain’s visit last week to Istanbul, even speculating that a stunt hand was used to proffer the card.

Stunt hand, hell. The CARD was a blank phony!

I give Bourdain a pass on this because he’s obviously doing the bidding of his cruel masters. But any more gratuitous Sapphire shilling shoehorned into NR risks sending Bourdain’s cred down the crapper and turning the card into a running joke.

Travel Channel, you’ve been warned.

Personally, I think Tony would be wise to start endorsing products of his choosing in other venues. He’d get my attention during those annoying network breaks that keep getting longer and more frequent.

But I do have a “fish to fry” with Tony in Istanbul for calling those who recoil from beheaded marine life “punk-ass loser Americans.”

That would describe moi.

I’d try durian or haggis, but I draw the line at sucking a fish skull. This aversion may have originated while I swam in Lake Erie as a kid and found them floating all around me.

But in the end, I must say, “Touché, Tony.” I had it coming after some unkind things I’ve said about the lovely Ottavia. But now we’re even, so watch it. (Just kidding!)

Daily Blender reports on the fabulous Cayman Cookout. The welcome reception alone makes you understand why Bourdain blew off the Tasty Awards, even if he did have to temporarily don chef’s whites again. Tony’s pricey Hawaiian shirt also made an appearance, and he wrote about the Cookout himself.

The second episode of Alternate Universe, “Romania Rhapsody,” has arrived, and Tony reveals sides of Zimmern and Samantha Brown they’d never let us see on TV.

Bite Club Eats caught Bourdain’s appearance in Santa Rosa, California, on January 13 and provides some highlights.

Tony did a phone interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal before his January 22 appearance.

June 8 is the release date for his new book, Medium Raw, and it will retail for $26.99.

NOTE: The cats are running the show the rest of this week but cannot respond to comments. Being a ruthless computer despot with final approval over their writings is the only shred of control I have over them.

John Edwards Comes Clean. Now What?

By Adele

Two years too late for the innocent toddler who’s had no dad, John Edwards has finally admitted that 2-year-old Frances Quinn Hunter is his love child. Not that anybody cares.

What is surprising is that a guy who fostered such an open, squeaky-clean, boy-next-door persona could turn out to be such a duplicitous douchebag.

Elizabeth Edwards has reportedly come to her senses and split from the rat, now that he’s settled his new family in their own house in Charlotte, N.C., reportedly worth more than $500K.

Rielle Hunter’s shameless scheme to bag a rich, powerful man actually helped the country dodge a bullet. Edwards didn’t hesitate to pile lie upon lie to cover his slimy tracks. He risked wrecking staffer Andrew Young’s marriage by having Young claim he was the baby daddy, he asked Young to get some quack doctor to fake DNA results, and then to steal a dirty diaper so Edwards could do his own secret testing.

If Edwards suspected that Hunter was sleeping around, that makes him a liar with execrable taste in tarts, and you have to wonder if, as president, he’d have routinely resorted to such idiotic, juvenile machinations to deal with the nation’s problems.

And now Edwards is belatedly babbling the truth (maybe), trying to upstage Young’s new book, The Politician, which is probably contains lots of juicy details.

Edwards seems on on track to marry Hunter once Elizabeth is history. It’s bound to be cheaper than forking over nearly $18K a month to the home-wrecker, who apparently thinks her destructive skills should be richly rewarded.

Massachusetts Peed on Ted Kennedy’s Grave

By Adele

…And then spit on it, electing Republican Scott Brown to take Ted Kennedy’s seat in the Senate. But if Teddy’s watching, I think he realizes Massachusetts did the country a favor.

If Scott Brown can keep 30 million more Americans from being bilked by greedy health insurers, more power to him. Teddy would approve.

Obama let Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi run health system reform off the rails. Nobody knows all the secret deals and loopholes they’re hatching behind closed doors, but what we DO know bears no resemblance to the equal-opportunity, quality healthcare Kennedy envisoned. It’s all about buying insurance policies.

As long as Congress thinks for-profit insurers are the fix, billions will continue to be squandered on maintaining their worthless existence, instead of making every dollar intended for healthcare GO TO HEALTHCARE.

What part of that doesn’t Obama get?

Congress thinks a gullible public believes that insurers will meekly let the crap be legislated out of them. Everybody knows the cost of ANY law that even nibbles at insurer profits will be passed on to customers — just like the credit card companies.

And insurers won’t hesitate to get more creative in skirting legislation that keeps them from canceling sick people, denying claims, and dragging their feet on payment until their customers are dead and insurers get to keep the profits.

Ted Kennedy should be smiling down from heaven on Massachusetts, proud that they may have sent Congress back to the drawing board and stopped Obama from desecrating Ted’s dream of healthcare for all.

A Cat’s Advice to Jay Leno

By Yul

Any “comedian” who needs the cover of darkness and a semi-conscious audience to be funny is a loser, so I have no dog in the fight NBC started between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. But like everybody else, I’ve been watching.

Conan O’Brien gets 3 tails up for his feline reaction to NBC’s treachery. Instead of licking their hand and meekly letting them kick him past midnight, he’s outta there.

Jay Leno doesn’t wash as the innocent victim. OK, maybe NBC did yank him off the Tonight Show and set him up to fail with a more-alert audience at 10 p.m. But Leno letting Conan go down and grabbing Tonight back is just two wrongs not making a right.

Sure, Conan will reap millions, but that’s what happens in a breach of contract. He’d be a schmuck to say, “OK, NBC, forget our agreement and let’s just part friends.”

Leno’s saying Conan is a “great guy.” Not good enough.

Leno should “retire.” It’s not as if he needs the job.

NBC’s clueless suits have made many bad decisions and dissed their talent. They deserve to scramble to fill a now-empty time slot.

I suggest a new format. Instead of having some jerk deliver lame jokes and chit-chat, they could murder someone in the first 10 minutes. Then guests would solve the crime and try the perp. They could call it Law & Order: Tonight.

Even though I’ll probably never watch him no matter where he goes, I wish Conan O’Brien good luck.

Leno, grow a spine. Go away. Write a book. Then make your triumphant “comeback” to TV in a few years.